I’m back!

Whew, it has been a while.

What can I say? Life happens.

Since I last wrote on here, I’ve changed jobs, finished my interpreting course, started volunteer interpreting, and completed a few more fan fic. (Check them out on Wattpad, @worldwalkerdj. If you’re interested in my fiction. Which is probably better than my non fiction in my opinion, but I’m biased towards fiction.)

What to talk about today…

Maybe I should talk about Anxiety, that’s always a popular topic.

With all the changes listed above, I’m sure some people already could imagine how anxiety inducing it could be… and you have no idea.

Anxiety is something I’ve struggled with since I was a kid. Unlike many people, it was not triggered in my teen years, or by poor health and life habits, though, I’m sure that plays a part.

For me, anxiety was just how my life was, after 5 or 6. Before that, I don’t remember having it, I was a pretty bold kid at 3 and 4, the earliest I can remember.

My anxiety surfaced partially because of an overactive imagination, and partly because I think of things my father told me as a young kid. But also, as a Christian, I’ve always assumed it’s spiritual too.

Whatever the case, it was quite crippling from age 11-13, and since then, I’ve been battling it.

The interesting thing is that, no one ever suspects this about me.

I know because people have told me many times that I seem confident, even courageous (more of a church word), and tough.

I have not seen myself this way for very long, I never understood what they saw in me.

While I was bold enough about some things, I know myself and my fears so well, that I assume they are obvious to other people.

But perhaps that’s not the case. Honestly, I’ve found with others, I often can’t see their fear of something until they tell me, because they’ve learned to mask it, and I suppose I’ve learned the same.

Also, like many of us, I was taught to overthink about my actions and behavior and personality, by mean spirited people who told me I was wrong for being the way I am.

(I certainly don’t believe that I’m perfect, or that I don’t need to improve, but the way some people tear you down, you know they’re not really trying to help you, just make you feel bad.)

I was thinking after I logged on here, that I was 16 when I started this blog, and I’m 25 now. I haven’t kept it up consistently.

Anxiety probably had something to do with that also, I started to feel like no one would care what I have to say. After all, I have no degree (yet), and I have no big success story to tell to prove I’m credible.

Personally, I even get annoyed with all these bloggers and YouTube influencers who act like they know what they’re talking about, but they really don’t. How am I any different than them?

Well, I can’t prove to you all I am. But one thing I will never do here is lie about where I’m at, or how successful I am. I figure it won’t do anyone any good for me to be fake, and it won’t help me either.

And if I do know what I’m talking about, it’s because I’ve had to walk all this out, as a regular woman, living in this century, with the same challenges as many others. I might be young still, but I’ve had plenty of difficulty for my age.

I’m not entitled, and I’m not angry at everyone, but I have my frustrations, and issues.

I used to write this blog with the assumption that my ideas were usually right, and that I was explaining them well. Now if I read my old posts, I’ll cringe. But it’s not really my fault, at 16, all of us are unpolished, if I was reading someone else’s writing, I’d be judging it by how good it was consider how little experience they ahd, and I Think I wasn’t too bad, then, for my age.

But I’m too old now to use that as an excuse, even if I wanted to do mediocre work, here or anywhere else.

I’ve learned a few things since then.

One: I write way too long posts.

I wish I could say I was just that self aware, but it’s really because since I started working more, I realized how time consuming it is to read something 4,000 words long. I’ve been blessed with the ability to write thousands of words daily, easily, but, then, I’ve also been blessed with the free time to attempt that, and not everyone is.

Two: I should branch out what I write about.

It’s honestly nice that I could actually share work stories and other stuff now. Though I still like analyzing content and may do that still.

What does this have to do with anxiety?

Well, see, I get worried about all this. I figured I’d never be a popular writer or blogger because I like unpopular topics. But, you know, in a lot of ways, blogging was more to help me grow as a writer than it was because I thought I’d be a popular blog.

I figure, it doesn’t matter anymore. I should just write what I know.

And hey, I know a lot.

I’m the type to always feel like I’m not doing enough with my life (one of the things I’ve been anxious about).

And hey, adding the pressure of blogging again may not even be necessary, but I’m taking a break from classes, so I should have something to do when Im’ not working on creative stories and job stuff, right?

But, the thing is, for someone with a lot of free time, I do keep pretty busy. And I think the pressure I feel is because I was always told I was special and smart growing up, and I always wanted to do something meaningful to impact the world.

Whether it’s being the first writer to really commit to making Christian fan fiction a thing.

Or it’s finding a career that’s meaningful and personally, one on one.

Whatever it is, I wanted to feel like I did something really important with my life.

And all the cliches about small things mattering, they are true, but they aren’t always comforting.

I can’t say I’ve figured out yet how to be satisfied with everything, but, I’m getting better at it. And as I do, my anxiety has decreased.

I could devote a whole separate post to how my social anxiety has changed or grown or shrunk over the years, but that would take a lot longer to delve into.

The point I’m making is, in 9 years, I’ve changed a lot, but in many ways, I have not changed at all. I still want most of the same things I did then, and I still believe the same things I did, I just have a deeper understanding now.

And my fears have changed, they have not gone away, and some of them are the same, and some, I hope, are mostly gone.

It’s also been 5 years since I started recovering from the abusive situation I was in with my father. My father and I have spoken more times, and we’re on fairly good terms considering.

The reason I reopened community with him, was, other than God told me to, also that I knew I would never lose my fear of what happened, if I didn’t face it.

The same reason, maybe, that though I have mild to moderate acrophobia (fear of heights), I somehow always want to climb a mountain, do an obstacle course in the trees (Treerunner, it’s in Michigan, check it out if you ever go that way), or otherwise rock climb in higher spots. Sure, it scares me and I hate it at first…but eventually, I feel stronger because I faced it.

This is old advice, but in a day where we’re told to coddle ourselves and that our fear is an excuse to quit because something is too hard, old advice about it is the best advice.

Let me tell you all, I would never have the job I have now, have finished the stories I did, or done any of the other things, if I listened to my feelings and if I told myself “it’s okay, it’s too hard right now for me.”

It’s just the truth.

You may feel that you’re too afraid to do something now, but, I promise, it does not get easier if you put it off. Honestly, I dreaded those things more the more I put them off.

I also found that once you commit to doing something, you can find ways to make yourself feel better about it.

Like when I first called my dad, I had other people with me for morals support.

When I had to job hunt again, I finally used a website to help me make my resume better, and I watched a YouTuber for advice about how to interview. (Advice with Erin if you want to know.)

Or how I was anxious about making new friends, but I still invited people to hang out with me and join the life group I’m in at my church, and it worked out.

It’s still hard sometimes, and nothing is perfect…and that used to scare me. Sometimes it still does, but I’ve learned that I can press on through the disappointment, and eventually, it gets better again.

If I quit because I didn’t feel ready, I’d never have even tried. And I wouldn’t have succeeded. I don’t win every time, but I win more when I try to then when I do nothing.

All this is, again, old advices, but I’m telling you, it works. Probably why i’ts such old advice.

And no, that doesn’t make it easy to follow. I’ve realized that all this has to be walked out individually.

I had all the advice about conquering fears in my head from a young age, but you have to build up your strength. I figured that out finally. What works for me may not work for everyone as quickly or completely, but it does work.

What does not work, is excuses. And I’ve used plenty, but they never made me feel better. Actually, they lowered my self esteem. You start to feel damaged, and like you’ll never be whole and able to live the way you want.

But that’s the fear talking, and fear, as Dostoevsky said, “is a lie.” (The Brothers Karamazov).

Or as the Crane Wives sang in their song:

“No amount of waiting will make you brave, no amount of fear will keep you safe.”

[Keep you Safe– The Crane Wives.]

It’s all true, but it’s hard to live by.

But that doesn’t make it okay for us not ot try.

Things are hard…all things are hard if they’re important. At least some of the time. But they are not always hard, for all of the time.

Some things that used to be hard for me, are not hard now.

Like saying “I love you.” It was hard, but now it’s mostly easy.

Or talking to boys. That’s been easy for years, but it wasn’t for a long time.

Or driving. I’ve been afraid of it a lot of times, but I’ve always kept getting behind the wheel, and now it’s much easier.

These are small things, but I think big things have also gotten less hard for me. Anyway, what’s a big challenge is relative to everyone.

So yeah, I practice what I preach.

I think that’s about all I got for now. If you’re back, thanks, I know it was a long wait.

Or if you’re new, welcome.

And as always, Stay honest– Natasha Queen.