How to find purpose the hard way

06/20/2026 / toseealife / Leave a comment

You know how sometimes you have those really deep conversations with friends about life?

Well, it doesn’t actually happen to me that often, but it did this last Sunday.

A friend of mine and my sister’s was telling us about her uncertainty about what she’s supposed to do going forward. Chase dreams? Pick the steady job she has a better shot of getting? Even if she doesn’t feel that passionate about it.

I’ve had the same questions. So has my sister. All of us could relate to the feeling that we’re not fulfilling our purpose. I’ve had it often.

I think most people in their 20s have that feeling, but from what I’ve heard, people in their 30s and 40s do also.

We all hold ourselves to this standard in our minds of what really matters, and what our lives should accomplish.

It’s admirable to want to do something good for the world, but I wonder if a lot of the time, it’s more of a wish not to be forgotten.

I used to obsess over this, but through prayer and self reflection, really mainly in the last year, I came to realize a few things about why I think about it so much.

While there is some genuine wish to please God, and help people, in there, I found a lot of this desire of mine was from frusteration.

See, I wasn’t happy with my life, so I blamed the lack of accomplishing anything big. As if accomplishing something big would magically make me feel happy and fulfilled.

Yet if we look at the classic hidden lives and mental health crash outs of famous people and philanthropists, it doesn’t seem like that formal fully works.

There is the rare do-gooder who is very happy and fulfilled, but most often, it’s because their goal was more specific than just doing something big and important.

I finally noticed, reading the stories of famous do gooders like Mother Teresa, or David Wilkerson, or Corrie Ten Boom, or even others like Frederick Douglas, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, any and all kinds of people. From Gandhi to Churchill, often the story really starts small.

None of these people really set out to do huge good things. Most of them just saw people around them who had a need, and they tried to help it. And that grew into something bigger.

Others of us, it never happens that way. Some people live out their lives helping only one person at a time. And in the eyes of the world, that’s a small thing.

Yet, one has to wonder, what really is the difference between changing one person’s life forever, and changing a thousand people’s lives? Except number.

Yet, if that one person you helped goes on to help millions of others, then you did help more.

It’s one reason teachers like teaching. We love to reach the individual and bring out their potential, and then see them use it to help way more people than we ever could.

It’s hard to quantify change. You could save one person’s life, and they could go on to save hundreds. Like the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” portrays so well.

As all this began sinking in, I noticed that I discount a lot of the things I’ve done to help people.

In my short life, I’ve always tried to reach out to people who were lonely, or in trouble.

Often, I never really knew whether it helped or not.

Once in highschool on a mission trip, a girl confided in me about some horrible things she’d undergone at home. I didn’t know how to help except to listen. Later after the trip, she asked to stay at my house overnight one time, and my family and I agreed.

She left my church not long after that, I don’t know what happened to her. I hope her life got better. I wished I could do more.

Another girl opened up to my sisters and I about her home life as well, and other things she struggled with. We listened, we didn’t judge, and we gave her the best advice we could but tried not to sound preachy.

Unfortunately, another leader reported what happens to CPS, without waiting to verify all the details, and things got worse instead of better. The family left the church, unsurprisingly. We lost touch with her, but we did run into her again a year or so ago, and she seemed to be doing better. We know at least she didn’t blame us for what happened, but life gets in the way sometimes.

When I was in college, I befriended a girl at my dance class for a short time, who had major issues. She was high every class, usually. Once I went to a party with her and some guys from the class. I didn’t like the party, and I left early, but she asked me to take her home and I did. I’m pretty sure she’d have been SA-ed that night if I hadn’t, she was already drunk and buzzed when I arrived, and she had no sense of self protection based on what I knew of her life.

I remember the guys from class, who maybe wouldn’t have been that bad, but there were other people there who I didn’t know about, later said I was a good person because I was willing to take her home. I figured a small inconvenience to me was better than leaving her in that situation. I didn’t really realize how few people do things like that, at least, how few people those guys must have known.

They were kind of creeps anyway. But they all left me alone after that. Maybe they knew where I stood, maybe they were ashamed. I’m not sure. Mostly, men don’t bother me who have poor intentions. They can read me better than that. (A few exceptions here and there).

I learned that what I considered basic decency came off as usual to people who weren’t raised the way I was. It doesn’t always take a lot to make an impression.

I’m glad as a Christian at least they didn’t think I was a hypocrite. I believe I scared them a little just by not engaging in party behavior.

But the girl in question kind of just used me and then once I wasn’t willing to just be used, she cut contact. I didn’t resent it though, because I knew she had deep problems and likely, she just had no clue how to maintain a healthy friendship. It wasn’t personal.

Other times, I’ve been burned and it did bother me. Mostly when people in church act that way.

This ties back into my talk with my friend, as she’s had similar experiences with people at church.

I wished I could pass on my experience to her in a way that would help her understand that it’s these choices, one after another, that add up.

I often find it frustrating that I never know the result of the things I do to help people. But I do remind myself, that the result is really only gratifying to me, it doesn’t really matter that much when it comes to deciding the right thing. Other than, we should learn from how effective something is.

I’ve tried to improve the lives of all the kids I’ve babysat for over years as my side job. I never really got to see results there either. I often bemoaned to God that it was so infuriating to care about these kids, often more than their own parents did, but be able to do nothing about it.

Still, I don’t really know for sure that I never made a difference. I still remember things my favorite teachers and babysitters did when I was a kid myself. Their kindness made an impression even when I didn’t always have a lot of conversations with them.

While talking to my friend about wanting to find purpose, I decided to try a new tactic other than just practical advice.

I began to ask her and my sister what they most valued in life. And what would they want God to say to them tomorrow if He could say anything?

[I found that an interesting question for myself also.]

They answered with things like sincerity, honesty, humility, intimacy with people.

I pointed out something interesting to them. That the goals they told me they had actually didn’t fully align with those values. They were separate from them.

I mean, you could have those things with those goals, but it wouldn’t be required.

I myself could see in my own values that actually some of mine reflect wanting bigger goals more, but others don’t.

One my biggest values is Justice, and it drives me crazy when people don’t uphold that standard. That leads me to pick fights that other people think is a waste of time. Which also drive me up the wall.

At times, yes, it’s okay to let stuff go, and I’m working on that, yet I think others let things go way too often when it would hurt other people besides just them to do so.

In fact, one thing that convinced my mom to kick my dad out was us showing her how much his actions were affecting us, not just her. She could block it out for herself, but hearing how desperate we were was a wake up call. All of us were so much better off once he was gone.

Honestly now my dad has improved his life a lot, but it never would have happened while he had us to blame for things instead of having to fix them himself. I still wouldn’t choose to live with him again, but I’m not hostile to him.

In the end, doing the hard thing improved all our lives.

It’s choices like that that really shape us. Not some obscure big goal we have.

The problem with big goals is that they are often out of reach during our current situation. It’s convenient because we can’t really be expected to do anything about them. They make us feel like good people because we wish for them, but we don’t have to do anything actually good.

I know so many people who say they would like to make the world better, but hide in their house every day and don’t like making friends or risking interacting with people.

People who would say they care about the homeless, but walk by people asking for money.

I’m not guiltless of doing this, but I try to give when I can, even if it’s a few dollars. It’s not because I think of myself as some saint, but because I was taught that little things are how we prepare for big things.

I told my friend that one thing God told me about being stuck in small jobs and places, was that “He who is faithful with little will be faithful with much.”

Also that “to him who has more will be given, but to him who has not, even what he has shall be taken away.”

We’re all stewards, I told her. What you have now isn’t what you want, but it’s the opportunities and place you have now. If you make the most of it, then God will give you more eventually when you’re ready. So if you feel like He’s telling you to wait now, that might be why.

Also, sometimes the opportunities that really lead to big things aren’t what we think.

My current job was a very non glamorous, ordinary small job. I can’t go into detail, but it’s put me in a very unique position to do something a lot bigger than I expected to do at it. It won’t be glamorous really, and I probably won’t get credit for it, but it will matter.

And it’s not a nice sitioant that I’m in, but it is a strageti one.

I never would have imaig this placeholder job would open up someitn liekt hit it me. I don’t really want it, but now that it’s happened, I see that God might have lined it up for me specinailanl, as just ofn instins Iv’ had since I took the job, whit no togth of it ending this way, somehow led to me being protected and prepared for what happened.d

[I may explain it more in another post when it’s less problematic to.]

What I didn’t tell my friend was that in my opinion, she’s not ready for the things she wants. She has good intentions, but I could see where she does still need to grow. I didn’t think I should say that, since life is already telling her that, and people don’t always needs us to be that brutally honest.

But hey, even if she got what she wanted now anyway, I’d stand by my advice.

The hard truth is big stuff is pretty stressful. Now that I’m dealing with a big thing, I’m only waiting for it to be over because it’s really a lot.

Yet, I see that I might be the only one willing to do it.

That’s honestly, I think, what real opportunity looks like.

It won’t be the flashy thing everyone wanted to get, probably. At least, not for most of us.

Most of us, the biggest thing we’ll achieve, will come in the form of a crisis that we’re handed, and we can choose to deal with the right or wrong way. It won’t look like an important goal when it happens, but at the other end, we may find it opened something up.

I hope that’s what happens with me. Still, even if it doesn’t, I know I need to do what’s right.

Funny, all my coworkers complain about the job, and I was the one who complained the least, but none of them that I know of tried to do anything about it.

I notice the same pattern in life. People who complain about wanting purpose, rarely are the ones trying to find it (some exceptions exist).

Viktor Frankl, the famous Auschwitz survivor who wrote “Man’s Search for Meaning” noted in the book that he found that men don’t need to know a grand purpose for their life nearly as much as they need to know the purpose of what they’re currently doing.

And if they don’t feel a purpose in it, they should move to find something else, or try to change their perspective, if they can’t change their situation.

I thought about this.

I think it’s really the same as Peter telling the church to do everything they do as to God. Or that famous quote about being a great street sweeper.

Or even as the movie “Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day” put it. “It ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it, that’s what gets results.”

Purpose is something you have to see in what you do already.

See, nothing really is meaningless, unless you don’t do it for a reason.

Acting like you’re brain damaged, and doing things on compulsion, that’s living without a purpose.

One thing I try to do, is no matter what I’m doing, I do it intentionally.

If I’m relaxing, I do it on purpose. If I’m working, I do it on purpose. If I’m writing, I do it on purpose.

When I confront someone, I do it intentionally, I don’t just rush into a fight usually. I used to, learned the hard way it didn’t work.

Well, I can’t say it always work out even now, but that’s more on them for not wanting to try than on me, I’m always willing to find a solution.

The rough part is realizing other people would much rather let a problem fester than fix it, if fixing it would require stepping outside their behavior patterns.

C’est la vie.

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who try to adapt themselves to a challenge, and those who find the biggest challenge is adapting themselves instead of trying to adapt others to fix their preferences.

Without exception the worst parents, teachers, and leaders I’ve known were in the second category.

The best ones were able to roll with the punches and find new solutions to issues.

And I’ve some to see it’s the same in every other area of life.

Finding your purpose, doing a good job, it’s all something you have to adapt to and do with intention.

I don’t mean you should chase after some vague goal to find your purpose. That’s not actually doing anything with what you have now. That’s the problem.

We all have tools. Heck, if you’re reading this, you at least have technology. There’s a lot you can do with what you’re holding in your hand. If you only use it to doom scroll, that’s on you.

I say this as someone who’s never had money, connections, fame, or a huge amount of charisma. I can’t claim to be popular with everyone or have the secret to winning anyone over. I can’t claim to be rich or influential to many people.

I can claim to have self respect and a sense of purpose in what I do.

I guess it’s up to my friends, students, and you if you think that’s more worth listening to than the big success stories.

I at least know my way works, for me, and for others too. That’s something.

That’s why I tell my Sunday School class, look at the people around you if you want to start serving God even as kids. It’s your siblings, your parents, your classmates, your friends who you can influence the most right now.

All of us might save someone’s life without even knowing it.

Here’s a couple things about myself I’ve learned from the many challenges I’ve dealt with:

Where others take cover, I take action.
When others stand aside, I stand up.
Where others back off, I go for back up.
When I see a problem, I find a solution.
If I can help, I will.
If it’s up to me to change, I would rather change than stay comfortable.
When there’s nothing I can do, I try to find someone who can do something.

I mean some of these are similar to each other, but I think each thing sums up what is not the common attitude, and why that makes all the difference.

We all think we’re unique, but the real test of uniqueness is not in being quirky or creative or having taletns.

It’s what you do with that once the fire’s lit, and the die is cast, and your back’s up to the wall.

It’s when you’ll risk something to do something right.

That’s what makes you different.

Honestly, the world may not reward you for that.

Because, being rewarded by the world is not unique, it’s what everyone wants. Pursuing that won’t make you different.

Ignoring that makes you different.

Either we can conclude then, like the villain in Zootopia 2 “I don’t want to be different.”

Or we can be Judy Hopps and say that it matters more to care than to be safe or accepted.

[Can’t believe I just used a movie I don’t even like as an example. But I guess that proves I’m open minded.]

I will let you all in on a secret though.

God gives the people who will make that sacrifice the biggest tasks. Even if they seem small to us, they are the biggest ones to Him.

One has to remember that martyrdom is one of God’s highest honors, according the Bible, because it’s a rare person who can accept it.

Often, God also gives out the more flashy tasks to those people too.

I can’t pretend to predict God’s ways for any one individual, and I’m certainly not saying people shouldn’t try to achieve big goals.

I’m saying big builds off of small. So if you feel lost, start with what’s in front of you.

Like I told my friend, in church, we’re raised with those overnight success stories. God healed someone instantly, set them free of addiction in one minute, gave them money through a miraculous event, gave them a big charity in a few months.

The Bible has a bunch of miracles like that too.

So what’s wrong with us if we dont’ get that.

What gets overlooked in church often is that the Bible is also full of miracles that took up to 40, 50, or 80 years to happen. Sometimes longer.

Also that often big miracles only followed a series of small obedience steps. Even for Jesus.

And that the biggest miracles of all according to God, are saving people’s souls, which anyone can help with, even if they don’t see signs and wonders.

It’s harder to move a heart than to move a mountain.

And for every big Christian success story,there are probably hundreds more of people enduring things for a long time and doing things to fix it with God’s guidance, rather than getting the quick fix.

We just don’t like focusing on those stories, because it’s not easy.

That’s the point though. That’s normal life.

I for one prefer to think of it this way. I’d rather feel purposeful than empty.

That’s what I got for you today, folks.

See you next time, and stay honest– Natasha.

Book Break Down: Till We Have Faces

01/01/202601/01/2026 / toseealife / Leave a comment

So I’ve analyzed movies and songs on this blog, but surprisingly, I rarely ever talk about books, and I grew up being more of a reader than a watcher, we didn’t even have TV for years. [Honestly, I don’t watch TV itself now, I stream so I can pick the shows, but, who doesn’t now?]

Anyway, I still read, I try to read at least one book a month if I can, and I log the books to keep track.

And one I read every year usually, is my all time favorite book “Till We Have Faces” by C. S. Lewis.

Lewis is my favorite author anyway, but this book is his best work of fiction in my opinion, and some other critics agree.

It’s not as novel as his space trilogy, but it’s far easier to read and had much deeper themes that are not as…theoretical as those books, (if you read them you’ll get what I mean, but I’m not talking about those ones.)

But you’re not here for me to just talk about Lewis, let’s dive into the book itself:

Plot and Concept:

In brief terms, “Till We Have Faces” is a re-telling of the myth, my favorite myth as it happens, of Psyche and Cupid, or Eros, if you prefer the correct name.

The myth itself has strong Christian undertones, considering it’s a pagan myth, as the symbolism of it is basically that our soul (which is what psyche means) must be united with Love (Cupid) to become immortal. There also a part when Cupid raises Psyche from the dead after she descends into the underworld to bring beauty to Aphrodite, the goddess who represents lustful love instead of true romantic love, or perhaps superficial love to be more accurate.

Psyche and Eros have a divine child whose name means ‘joy’ which shows how the product of the soul meeting love is Joy.

The story features two jealous sisters, so it is like a tweaked Cinderella story, but also a tweaked Beauty and the Beast. These kinds of stories run all over myths and legends across the world, makes me wonder if there was a common root that did actually happen.

Psyche is alone and unable to marry because people treat her as goddess instead of a person, so an oracle prophecies that she will marry a monster feared by both gods and man, but this turns out to be a riddle that means Cupid, since love is powerful enough to make both gods and humans do things they would normally do (and Greek myths are full of the God doing dumb things because of ‘love’).

A pretty cool story on its own, really, but Lewis’ retelling is masterful.

In Lewis’ retelling, Psyche is instead sacrificed to Ungit, the name he gives Aphrodite, the goddess who represents animal, profane love that only takes and takes and gives nothing back.

But Psyche is rescued by The West Wind god, and taken to the god of the grey mountain, who is Eros in this story.

They are wed, and she lives happy but Orual, her older sister who is uglier than any other woman in the world, finds out about it and is jealous of her, though she thinks it is not jealous.

To make a very complex story short, Orual forces Psyche, by her love, to betray the god of the mountain, and Psyche is sent into exile as punishment, while Orual is told that she “will know herself and her work, and she also shall be psyche.”

Orual is not sure what this means, and instead of being doomed, she becomes the Queen of her country, Glome, in the next week, and rules for many years, trying to bury the pain of the memories of Psyche and what the God told her.

The Conflict:

Finally, Orual hears the story of Psyche and herself retold, but in the original fashion of the real myth and it infuriates her, so she writes a book, which is the book we the audience are reading, of a complaint against the gods, putting it to us like a case to be heard, hoping that some Greek, who speak more freely of the gods that her own people, I’ll read it and judge.

After she writes the book, she begins to have mysterious visions from the gods of things happen to her, that also happen to Psyche, in the myth, only for her they are much harder and more painful.

She begins to also learn from the people around her that she’s lived her life devouring the lives of others, as she was always bitter that she was ugly and could never marry or have children, so she obsesses over a married man who she loved, and she kept her adopted father, the Fox, in Glome with her isn’t sending him home, and she abandoned her other sister Redival, in order to have Psyche all to herself. And she wanted Psyche to love her just as obsessively, instead of in a normal, healthy way.

One of the most striking moments of the book, early on, before all this, in which Psyche says to her

“You are indeed teaching me about kinds of love I did not know. It is like looking into a deep pit. I am not sure whether I like your kind better than hatred.” [Chapter 14]

Later, after seeing the visions, Orual is taken to the court of the gods and her case is read.

As she hears her own voice saying the true words of her soul, she realizes that she only ever wanted to devour Pschye’s love, to possess it all for herself, she never truly loved her unselfishly. The gods gave her chances to do so, but she rejected them all and instead blames the gods for luring Psyche away by their beauty and their goodness that she didn’t understand.

After this, she is shown all the thing Psyche suffered for her sake and then, she is taken to meet the god of the grey mountain, and Psyche also meets her and forgives her, and give her the beauty of death (but death to the profane love of Ungit, not literal death) and Orual sees her reflection changed to be beautiful, and then she hears the words: “You also are psyche.”

She then wakes up and writes in the book that she knows why the gods don’t speak to us face to face, because they can’t ’till we have faces?’ (A line that always gives me chills).

Meaning that, until we know what we really mean, and not just what we think we mean, they cannot be open with us, since we cannot be open with them.

She also writes that she knows now that the god of the mountain did not give her an answer, because he is the answer.

Christians will spot the characteristic that we assign to Jesus here, as that is the metaphor of the god.

Context:

I think you could understand this book without knowing anything about Lewis, if you have a good understanding of the idea of love, and real love versus selfish or toxic love.

However, I’ve seen many people review the book who said they did not fully understand the ending, or all the themes.

When I read it the first time, I understood it by the time I got to the end, and every time after that, when I read it, I understood it better. Especially after I read “The Four Loves” by Lewis also.

Lewis has a fictional version of pretty much all of his non-fiction books of theology and philosophy, which not a lot of people know. This book is his fictional version of “The Four Loves”, as well as some parts of “The Weight of Glory” and “Mere Christianity.”

You can find some of this in his fictional book “The Great Divorce,” but this book is his magnum opus of writing about love, so I always refer back to it the most.

To understand the ending of the book, as well as the conflict you need to know the Lewis believed that true love, charity or agape, as he called it (the Greek word for unselfish, unconditional love is agape) was the holy kind that has to come into every other kind of love to make it good.

And the human love, which is ‘need’ love’, he says, will become devilish, if left to itself.

He give examples of such, how things like affection (family love, also called storge), can keep people under the control of their family if they are left to themselves; how friendship love (phileo) can be snobbish and exclusive and also corrupt people because it puts the friendship above doing the right thing; and how romantic love (eros) can corrupt people even more by being so exciting that it makes them do things like cheat, lie, and steal, all in the name of love.

And some people are even cruel to the one they love, because they think love makes it okay.

In each case, he points out that the love doesn’t have to be evil, but when all other things are put aside, all moral and rational limitations to it, then all loves becomes evil.

Agape love can’t be evil because the basis of it is that it loves you freely, it doesn’t ask for anything back, it doesn’t need anything from you, and it doesn’t demand you do what it wants. It’s love free from the temptation to be possessive.

Obviously, he points out, no human being can perfectly live in that state of love at all times.

It’s not necessarily bad, to need each other. As in this life, we will need each other, and most people like to feel needed. Being completely independent of people is more selfish than needing them a little bit is.

But when that need becomes all we can think of, and we can never put it aside even if it’s hurting the other person, then the love is demonic. Or profane, as some people put it.

Now we usually say toxic. I like profane better.

Toxic love can be negligent in a relationship, if it’s not too big a part of it. We like to joke these days about toxic traits, but most toxic traits, in small amounts, won’t ruin a relationship. If the other person understands you and is willing to overlook, and you do the same for them, then it won’t really matter in the long run, though you should definitely still try to improve.

But profane love is where there is nothing but that. Toxic love that has poisoned the entire relationship, the kind narcissistic people have. They cannot ever love you with anything but that kind of love.

Even when they act like they’re doing something unselfish, they expect you to pay them back for it in some way.

To me, this book was life changing. I read “The Four Loves” I think after I had read this book, but when I went back and re-read it, I saw how brilliantly Lewis wove the themes of those principles in the story.

Orual, once you know how to look for it, is a huge example of profane love. Yet she’s not hateable. She had good points– he still made her believably human.

Her ugliness, which I saw complained about by some readers, is symbolic. It’s meant to show how her love is ugly and profane as her face is, and when she is freed from that love, she is freed form her ugliness also, at least, spiritually.

There are also other favorite themes of Lewis in the book, such as how important reason is, represented by the Fox’s character who is a Greek Philosophy lover.

Also some very sharp insights into how cruel men are often hiding insecurities, and bitter women are hiding jealously.

Not that it can’t go both ways, it can, and it does, sometimes.

There are also ideas of sin, and repentance in there. As Orual must die before she dies to escape Ungit, who represents carnal sin and love, and it’s said that even Psyche, who was a nearly perfect human, had to die and escape her as well. How they have to gather the beauty of the gods without effort, because no effort of theirs could get it, and how we have to resist temptation to give into the pressures other people put on us, even when we love them, if it means disobeying God, because God comes first.

Lewis goes into more detail on these themes in “The Four Loves”, but the book portrays this so poignantly, that it’s impossible not to see yourself in some of what Orual says and does.

Personal Impact:

I’m not kidding when I say that this book changed my life. I read it maybe a few months to a year after I became a Christian, and my relationship with my family was still a wreck at that point.

A lot of that was my dad’s fault, I certainly saw him in the abusive father in the book, but, the book showed me the things that I did and said that were like my dad, and things that weren’t like him, but they were still wrong. It made me see my relationship with God differently also.

C. S Lewis believed that we can never see ourselves clearly, or our sin, that we can never be fully aware of how bad it is, or how good God is, but only see dimly. This is probably true, as the Bible says similar things.

That idea helped me to be more humble when I prayed, not always, and I’m not always now, but at least I had the concept fully rooted in my mind that I could never fully know myself enough to know if God was wrong to do as He did. Also to question my motives for things whenever I started whining about not being treated fairly; sure sometimes, it’s valid to say you deserve better; but you have to watch to make sure yours not demanding something just because you want it, and not because it would be best.

The book didn’t make me neglect my own well being, as some people say Christianity teaches people to do, if anything I think it helps me understand why my father was wrong and I needed to cut ties with him as an adult. Other teachings I heard sometimes made me think I needed to put up with his abuse, but not this book.

It also always reminded me that the answers in God are often found more just by knowing him more than by mere logic. Not that logic isn’t good, Lewis loved logic and reason, but often we find it’s limited, since we are humans, and everything we do is limited. Sometimes you have to go beyond just pure reason to understand things.

Criticisms:

People have accused this book of being sexist because of the many things Orual says against women and as an ugly woman.

I think that’s because they don’t read Lewis’ other books. Lewis was not sexist (at least not for his era) and he had many women students and married a woman who he admitted often won arguments with him very easily. He actually liked that about her (and he dedicated this book to her, in fact, since she held him come up with concept).

He puts himself into the mindset of a bitter woman so well I’m often shocked when I read it, as mostly when male authors try to write how women feel, they fail miserably, in my experience, because they think of it as a woman instead of person.

As a woman, I could relate to Orual, though I’m not ugly, but as someone with a bad father, and who’s been rejected often for reasons beyond my control, I could still identify with her bitterness and sadness.

As well as her wish to assuage that by grabbing at whatever she could.

I don’t find this sexist. Men do it as well, and men can see themselves in this book just as easily as a woman can. The remarks Orual makes about women are from her own bitterness, and made because the character narrates the book, they are not Lewis’ actual opinion on things.

He was very good at making even characters who disagreed with him feel real and if you read his other books all of his characters feel like real people you could meet, except the ones who are sometimes wiser and more noble than humans usually are.

The other complaint is the themes are hard to understand.

Well, they can be. They were not as hard when he wrote it, more people had read the myth, and more people were writing other works with similar themes at the time.

I think it was still very complex, even then, but to our barely literate culture now, it is hard to understand.

That said, it’s still an easy read, full of fun language that’s not too old fashioned for most fantasy lovers to read, and fun characters.

I don’t recommend letting a child read it since it talks about sex more openly than his other books do, but he didn’t write it to be a children’s book.

I would say though, any child 12 and up could probably handle this book, since it’s not too explicit and that’s the age most kids start being more self aware about how they act, so that’s when it would help to read books like this.

I was about 14 when I read it the first time, and I understood it, but I was very literate for my age, so if parents are going to let their child read this, I’d say to use your own discretion.

Closing thoughts:

There are not many books like “Till We Have Faces” anymore. It’s a level of parody and fantasy writing that most authors just can’t achieve in the modern era, because they haven’t read enough books like it.

Its deep themes are timeless, and everyday problems, not ones that only intellectuals would care about.

The ideas of love within family and romantic relationships are ones we all can learn from, as well as how we isolate ourselves in our own minds, when we’re bitter and angry about our lot in life.

So I recommend reading it even if it’s not your usual thing.

You can find an audio book version if reading isn’t your thing, and I recommend doing that, because this book is too good to miss if you like fiction and especially if you like myths and symbolism.

I’d like to close with a few more memorable quotes:

“Don’t you think the things people are most ashamed of are the things they can’t help.”– Psyche.

“You must die before you die,”– the god.

“Who can feel ugly when the heart meets delight?”– Orual

“And in that far distant day when the gods become wholly beautiful, or we at last are shown how beautiful they always were, this will happen more and more. For mortals, you see, will become more and more jealous. And mother and wife and child and friend will all be in league to keep a soul from being united with the Divine Nature.”– The Fox

Thanks for reading, and stay honest– Natasha.

Everyday happiness

06/20/2025 / toseealife / Leave a comment

This month I’ve been asking myself why, since this year started and it seemed like every thing that could go wrong did go wrong, I turned so much to doing things to improve my household life.

(By the way, my car had to get repaired again. The ABS, the other big Prius thing that tends to break, went out. I hope at least now that the two big ones already failed, every other issue will be much smaller.)

I’ve been a Christina for 13 years, but even I’m not immune to the temptation Job had to question why God is allowing all this. since the year became 2025, it’s like some line of dominoes was pushed over to make one thing after another go wrong, and as soon as I deal with one problme, another one emerges. Like getting the ear infection to go finally, but it getting slightly reinfected because of allergies and also the hole in my ear not healing the way we hoped.

All of these things might seem small enough, if each of them was the only problem, but all together, when the costs amount to over $8,000, and my family’s total income is less than 100,000 even if you combined all 3 or 4 of us who make income…

Well, we’ve scraped by, but we’ve gone through a lot of emergency savings to do it. I mean, I guess they are for emergencies, but still.

For me, the funny thing is, even a single one of the crisis I’ve dealt with this year would have, 3 years ago, laid me out for weeks. Being anxious and depressed and afraid of the future.

I’ve felt as if I just don’t have the time to dwell on it. I still had to go to work. Now that I’m on vacation (sort of) for the Summer, I worried I would fall into that anxious habit again.

I’ve set myself daily talks to make sure I have something to focus on, which helps.

However, I also find that pull to fall into anxiety is less than it used to be.

Maybe I got tougher, because of all the stuff I had to go through to get it his point. Not sure.

Another thing is maybe, I learned to redirect my enegery.

I think we often try to stop being anxious in the passive way, we try to block it out the anxious thoughts, using mediation, or self affirmation…

But taking action is often the best way to fight any bad mood, especially fear.

I think that’s why reading “The Happiness Project” helped me so much two years ago. Up till then I was kind of just trying to escape anxiety the same way I always had, and it sometimes would work. Prayer, worship, and distraction are all valid ways to treat anxiety, and I can say without God, I would have never got this far.

Yet, I think God himself points us to needing to do more to fight off fear than to just wait for it to go away.

Once I started taking some small actions in regard to my happiness and control over my life, I was shocked by how different I felt.

It’s not even always about me feeling happy so much as feeling less helpless. Which for me, is the biggest source of unhappiness in my life.

I’m the kind of woman who had to feel like I can do something about my situation, in order to feel at peace about it. At least, without divine help to not need that, which, to be real, doesn’t always come, because I think God does want us to take action ourselves.

Nothing stresses me out like having no solution.

Which, come to think of it, might explain why my parents were never much help to me dealing with my fears when I grew up.

My mom’s go-to phrase when I had a problem and told her was: “I don’t know what to tell you.”

Or “I don’t know how to help.”

My dad’s go-to was to tell me how much worse he used to have it, or that he had the same problem….with no potential solution. Unless it was to just make fun of it.

Which is how he deals with every problem.

I am glad both my parents do also take practical steps to solve some issues, so though they never told me how to do this, I was able to glean some things from their examples.

However, I didn’t realize how much their attitude had affected me till the last few years. Until I started trying to take action, I never noticed how little I ever did before.

I believe I could have solved my anxiety issues as a child, even, if I ‘d know it then, and had the relationship with God I do now. You need both, but I think I would have suffered less even if it was just with the practical steps.

I can’t go into every single thing I learned, but here’s the biggest one, and this an did start with a revelation from God, appropriately enough.

Everyday life is the place I will find the most happiness.

I was lamenting my lack of accomplishment of my goals to God a couple years back, I remember this clearly because, though it was in my head, I knew the thought was not mine, it was too far from anything I’d been thinking at that time to be my own idea.

God, finally getting tired of listening to this, I imagine (I had complained to Him many times already) finally shot back with “You have a beautiful life.”

I say shot back, but it was actually a very gently made a point.

(God does not talk to me in a harsh voice, ever. I know there are people He can be firm with, but I think I never perceive it that way because I want tho so much as a kid with harsh parents, and God knows it would only push me back into that cycle to be spoken to that way.

Perhaps this sounds crazy to you if you’re not a Christian, but I’ve heard many others say that God speaks to them the way they can handle, s it’s not just me.)

And if you think that means that we’re just making it up…well, I know I can’t persuade you otherwise, but it seems odd to me that if I made it up, it would be such a new, unlike me thing to think. Make of that way you will.)

Anyway, after that sentence, a bunch of memories of the things I have that other people don’t have came into my mind.

I remember that I felt something shift after that moment. I didn’t usually get over all of my issues–and I have now, but when I get down about my life I think of that statement and I reflect on my blessings, I guess you could say. I don’t like to call it that because I think the cheesy cliche makes me people turn off their brains, but I suppose it’s what I’m doing.

One thing I sometimes think about is that for all the things I had to complain about, I’m never starving, or homeless, or lacking even in electricity, and clean water or clothing. The fact that I even have enough money to chastise myself for spending more than I should, means I’m blessed.

My car has been a problem, but I’ve had one when I needed it, even if it breaks a lot,and that has let me at least still work and do my church activities.

I have books and more movies tan I can read. I have enough free time to choose how I will spend it.

I have a cat.

I have family who loves me, even if they aren’t always the most helpful to me about things, and I have friends now.

Sure, there are things I had that gave me disadvantages. I had a father who didn’t financially plan very well and so we ended up always struggling for money and losing our house. I had a father who also abused me emotionally enough to give me a ton of issues.

All in all, like most people, my life is a mixed bag.

I don’t think God was telling me to think that everything was beautiful in my life when He said that.

But he was pointing out that in the moment I was being so negative, I was ignoring the fact that I had a bed, a house, two loving siblings, plenty of other basic needs, and a few luxuries, and other things in my life were changed for the better. And best of all, I no longer live with apron trying to tear me down constantly and threaten my safety.

And even though this year has sucked in many ways, I won’t tell you that nothing good has happened in it. The good things have been smaller and quieter, but they have been there.

And while financially, I’m still struggling to figure stuff out, at least I know that my family can help me if I end up falling short, and someone have no one but themselves.

I know people would kill to get what I have, even when I feel down about it.

My personal values are a wish to be independent, but that has not gotten granted to me at any time in my life. Maybe it never will be. It could be that God knows I’m better off knowing I need people.

Or perhaps, one day He will answer that prayer.

I’ve been reminded of the bible verse “He who is faithful with little with be faithful with much” a lot since last year. [Luke 10:16]

Perhaps I’m starting small to learn responsibility.

And I have to admit to you all, I was not very responsible with what I did have before. I didn’t have a savings account with my job before my current one. I spent more than I should. And I didn’t do a lot to take care of my house or contribute to the family.

That has changed a lot. And I feel more ready to have a house of my own because I’ve been taking care of the one I do live in now.

And in that, I do find joy.

Everyday life seems boring or people who always want to move onto the next big thing. I know because, I’m one of those people. I always dreamed big.

I didn’t do a lot to get ready for those dreams though. I always thought I didn’t have enough money and I didn’t have the money to go out and try things. My parents kind of kept me from being able to do that.

Even when I wanted to do outside things, like sports, or drama,or writing workshops, they with the financial support because either we couldn’t afford it, or, it was too much of a hassle, or I didn’t do enough to earn the support.

I think they really could have found a way to support me, if they’d looked into it, but…

Well, blaming them is probably no good.

However, that helped me feel like I could never pursue anything I wanted to do without enough money.

There are ways that’s true, but it’s also true that people have made so many free resources now, more than has ever be available to anyone throughout history, that we don’t realize the gold mine we’re sitting on top of, in the current century I can learn almost any skill online for free, within reason.

Instead of noticing this, I just felt bad about not having money for so long.

And instead of doing anything to change my household for the better, I just complained about it being arranged in a way I didn’t like.

I also felt useless, because all my skills seemed to be purely academic and I had nothing else to fall back on, so when that didn’t yield the reason I wanted, I got depressed.

Now I know that I do have some other skills, even if they ‘re not huge money makers, it’s good to know I could probably have options, if I need them.

My point is, everyday happiness is something we shouldn’t take for granted

Sometimes the old saying are old because they are true and people find them to be true.

People complain about everything now, and always have, but now they can spread it much farther. If I complain to my family, I only bring down the moods of 5 people, but if I post it online, I could bring down the moods of 5 million people, if I had enough of a following.

T’hat not healthy to do to others. Or ourselves.

I feel like these truths are obvious, but as usual, humans are weak to the temptation to do that.

So I can’t give you a formula that will help you fix it if you have that problem, being formulaic doesn’t work.

My best advice is to find something that makes you happier, and try to do that instead of indulging in complaints and negativity, even challenge yourself for one week, or three days, to stay off the thing that brings you down and for someone else. If you don’t see a change immediately, then, try something else, because who wants to stay unhappy?

And we all have problems to focus on, I know that. And unlike me, maybe yours are not something you can ignore (at least for a short period of time).

I think there are still ways to make it better, but I don’t want to be flippant about that situation.

My point is that, for most of us, we have it better than we think. Those of us who really have it bad, we should support and help them to get to a better place. I’m thankful for all the people who helps me, the help wasn’t always perfect, but it was there.

Even my parents, will all our problems, have helped me many times. Even parent who add to your issues can sometimes be part of the solution.

So life is a mixed bag in every sense.

I hope some of this was helpful, I’m trying to make it a bit shorter and more to the point, one of my new resolutions is to try to improve my time management, and blogging shorter and more focused posts would help me with that.

Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

Dreams and Realities–New Year’s

12/29/2024 / toseealife / Leave a comment

The turn of the year is coming up.

Every year this time, my Church does this thing they call “Dream Sunday” which happens to be today.

I take the chance around this time to reevaluate my goals in life and ask what I still want to do.

I tend to make two lists. One for the year, and one for my lifetime.

I’ve had getting married and having kids on the lifetime one for years and years–God are you there?

(Just kidding. I know everything has to happen in its time. It just gets hard to wait.)

For other life times goals, becoming a paid professional writer has been on the list since I was a teenager. (Hey, help me with that one and like this post guys.)

But because I know that it takes time to acheive some things, I also make short term dreams.

I don’t like to use the word “goals” or “resolutions” when I do this. Not because there’s anything wrong with those words, per sec, but because I know myself too well. If I treat it like it’s a demand, I won’t want to do it.

A dream is something I can try to do, but if life doesn’t work out that way, I can always find a new dream, just like Tangled told us. (That’s not my favorite Disney movie, but it is probably on my top 10.)

I’m not too disappointed when I don’t meet those goals. And I’ve also learned what dreams are reasonable over the years. When I asking myself a number, like “get 200 followers” then it won’t happen. I can’t control other people.

But if it’s a goal like “get a new car”, or “read 30 books”, something that either isn’t a set number to it one that I can be flexible with, and that I can control, I can usually do it. Even go above and beyond it.

As I mentioned in a different post, I just got the new car. I can’t even remember if I put that on the list last year, or if I just decided I needed it now.

I do know though, that owning a blue Toyota has been on one of my lists, though if it was the dream one or the bucket one, I can’t say, for a long time.

What? I just like what I like guys.

And that’s basically happened. I mean, it’s kinda blue-green, but hey that’s my favorite shade of blue. Light turquoise to aquamarine. I’m a beach girl.

I also just got my wisdom teeth out, yesterday, and while I wouldn’t call that a dream, I’ve had jaw problems for a couple years and I’ve hoped doing this will help a bit, so in a way it’s a dream. Also I was able to get it done quickly and around my work schedule, that was a blessing.

Also, it was way easier than I expected. I barely had any reaction to the anesthesia, and I’m able to chew already the next day (soft foods of course, but still). I apparently am lucky, my mom and sister said they could barely open their mouth for days.

Also I had a best case scenario pretty much, so while I wasn’t jazzed about getting surgery for the first time, I was blessed that it wasn’t a bad experience. (Is it weird if I prefer it to a regular dentist appointment? I hate drills.)

I hope if you have to get yours out, that encourages you.

Anyway, not everything was planned, but they were things I wanted.

And things that were planned, like finishing more stories, and getting a better job, I got and then some. Like last year, I put a better job on the list, and I got a much better and longer one than I expected.

It might not be everyone’s dream job, but it was perfect for me, at this stage of my life. Helped pay for the car, after all.

(Btw, I sold my old car to my sister, though I got it for free, and people are judging me for it. She wanted it that way. I offered to give it to her and she didn’t like the idea of accepting it that way, so I said I’d just sell it to her instead. She wanted to feel more independent, and I 100% respect that.)

Just because I got it for free doesn’t mean I really wanted it that way. I just could never have afforded it when it was given to me, I plan to pay for my own cars going forward if I possibly can. I’m not above getting help, though. I’d do the same for anyone else, I figure, so it’s no big deal to accept it. And I mean that, my family shares bills a lot.

I’ve been able to go out with friends a lot this year. And I think making more friends was one of the things on my list, too. (I haven’t found it yet, but that sounds like something I’d put on it.)

Also, I’ve planned my first get away trip without my mom’s help.

I may actually file for taxes finally, another dream, weird as it sounds, but it means I’m not impoverished anymore.

Now, does all this mean my life is perfect? No.

It’s been a good year.

But I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging. I share all this because I see it as God’s goodness.

But to level with you all who might feel like your life sucks compared to mine (and mine’s not that glamorous, so if yours is worse, I’m sure you’ve got it rough), maybe I can encourage you a bit.

This is a recent thing for me.

For many years, I’ve had a lot of these wishes, and honestly, I couldn’t even work towards them for the longest time, I was just hanging on barely to what I already had, not expanding.

I’ve not had a lot of friends for most of my life, and it’s been weird to make more.

And it felt like I had one issue after another the last few years. I had health issues, though they seemed small, but not to me.

I had job problems constantly.

I got frustrated a lot and I had a lot of anxiety.

And I still sometimes do. I know that none of this stuff I have now will last forever. Friends come and go, so do jobs, vehicles, and health can be changing too.

Money will rise and fall for me, and so will success.

Now that’s no reason to assume I’ll end up worse off. God takes us from glory to glory.

And I don’t mean that in a cheesy way. I’ve seen it play out.

While things have been both bad and good for me, I have noticed a different aspect of life with God in each season. Sometimes it’s his kindness, sometimes it’s just the strength to keep going. The voice in my head that says it’ll get better.

And no, it doesn’t happen overnight.

Christians love to share our testimonies of God’s goodness, because it makes Him sound better to outsiders, and we don’t want to seem like we’re doing badly, when we’re supposed to represent how much better life is with God.

But the wisest of us realize that if life is better with God, it logically must mean that even the bad parts of it are made better by God.

Jesus warned us we’ll never get out of suffering in this life. No matter how good we have it, there will be trouble. Not because God wants us to suffer, but because the world is not a safe place. Suffering is inevitable. Jesus suffered a lot.

And we think that means only the Cross, but no, Jesus was tired, hungry, hurt by his friends and family, mocked, accused, and that was before he even was killed. He slept outside a lot.

Often, we don’t have the mental picture of just how difficult it must have been for him, as a man, though He was God.

So, no, no one gets out of suffering. He wasn’t floating around in a nimbus, people, not feeling the burn of walking everywhere. That’s not how it happened.

But Christian artists have always portrayed Jesus as somewhat above suffering. Not I think, out of a lack of understanding perhaps, always.

But because they recognize that our inner self, that is what makes suffering seem impossible or bearable to us.

Jesus was strong on the inside, so He rose above his circumstances. He was not raised by rich parents, in a well known district. He came from Nazareth, the bad town of the ancient world. Everyone thought it was awful.

He has his high moments, to be sure. His entrance to Jerusalem, he was worshiped, given gold, frankincense, and myrrh by the wise men.

The point I’m making here is that Jesus wasn’t always sad or always suffering, but he certainly wasn’t always doing well either.

His life, like ours, had its ups and downs.

So when Christians say that God will make your life better, we don’t mean your problems will go away. We mean that God will get in your problems and make it better for you.

And I would say that’s the truth, in my experience.

I had depression and anxiety, they didn’t just go away because of my faith (they have gone away mostly now, though). But while I had them, I felt God with me. Not always in a distinct feeling of peace, but at least, I felt like I was not alone.

I think that’s the worst part, really being alone. Ever notice that no matter what experience we suffer, the loneliness part is always the worst. Even if it’s painful in other ways, somehow what horrifies us is that we’re alone.

Humans do not like to be alone.

It’s funny too, I’ll see people online saying they like to be alone–in a public comment section, where they’re commenting on other peoples thoughts and getting likes and comments back.

I’m thinking “you don’t like to be alone, you’re asking for sympathy from strangers, and giving your opinions on their lives, because that’s just a less risky way to have companionship. You get to have it on your terms, that’s all. You’re not truly trying to be alone.”

Let’s say no one who’s on the internet is ever trying to really be alone.

Maybe if you go off the grid and live in a log cabin without a phone, then you’re really trying to be alone–and you’re not reading this post then.

I do notice though, that people who say they want to be alone, have small dreams.

Like it or not, we need other people to make our dreams happen. I know mine never would have happened without people–and some of them literally require other people participating to make happen at all. I can’t marry and have kids with myself, can I?

So, no, I don’t leave other people out of my dreams.

And I submit everything to God.

The word says if you commit your ways to the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.

This doesn’t mean, I think, that we get every single thing we want. I think that there are desires that God gives us, in our lives, that He will make happen, if we don’t go against His will.

Often something would only be good for us if it was through God. Otherwise, it would end badly.

Not just because God won’t bless it if it’s not through Him, but often the ways we try to get things without God are very selfish. We lie, we steal, we cheat. We try to get ahead.

I don’t really want to be rich, now.

I’ve wondered if it would be nice, but honestly, I think if I didn’t have to work, I’d feel pretty useless. I would like to be well off enough to work only at what I like doing, instead of what I hate to do, but, that’s not a requirement, it’s just what I prefer.

But if I got a billion dollars or something and never need to work again, I’d feel empty.

Sure, a lot of money would help me…

But honestly, right now, there’s not that many problems I have that I really need to fix with money. There’s a few, and long term, yes, I’ll need more.

But I can say for what I need right, now, I have enough. And I’ve noticed that’s always the case. God has never given me an overwhelming amount of wealth, but He’s always given me as much as I need for my current expenses. And that’s been true even as my expenses increased.

Sometimes I want to get ahead, and I get frustrated that I can’t, but I know I have no real reason to complain.

It’s the same with my dreams. They didn’t all happen when I wanted. And they still haven’t all happened.

But enough of them have happened for me to know that God is good.

And I’ll get the other things, if I need them.

Though I don’t think that God only does things when we need them. I do think some stuff is just for the fun of it. Just because we want them, too. But that’s more depending on if it will hurt us or not. You can’t be more generous than God, but He knows what we need to be happy.

That’s the thing too, I think that’s maybe why I haven’t gotten further ahead. Working for all this makes me feel more satisfied with my life.

Would I really be happier if it was easier for me?

I don’t know. I kind of doubt it, somehow.

I do hope that one day I can live below my means and still have enough, but, I’m trying not to worry about it anymore.

See, goals and money problems were what plagued my dad constantly while I was growing up. The funny thing was, we were never starving or homeless. I’d say we really weren’t that bad off. But he obsessed over every money problem anyway.

And all his other goals, he’d forget about them and just worry about business.

And, we never had that many other goals. We’d talk about it, but eventually it always came back to business. He didn’t stick to any other goal.

My dad is good at business, so it’s not like it’s not his gift, but I thought it should have made him happier than it did.

That’s why I have other goals, ones I don’t have to pay for.

And some things I will have to pay for. Both.

Because success isn’t just in money, but money is usually part of success. Put that on a plaque.

So yeah, you know, I’m happy.

Lastly, let me say, I do still sometimes have the fear that all this will go away just as fast as it came.

And it’s true there are no guarantees in life.

But I realize that this was kind of hurting my ability to enjoy it.

I’m not perfectly good at blocking out worry yet. I think it would be hard for someone like me, who’s been like that most of her life, to unlearn it in 1 or 2 years, but, I am better than I was.

See, I’ve heard the cliche that you won’t fix it by worrying, but I only recently started to realize just how logical that is.

I guess I lacked maturity before to really embrace it. And this is not an age thing, so many older women than I are obsessed with worries and fears.

So I say if I’ve changed, it must be a God thing.

So, to get back on topic, not every dream may happen. And some things that I have now, I may not have later.

Hoesn thoguh…so what?

I mean there are always other things you can do. The world is full of stuff, why get hung up on losing or having one thing, or one person.

True people are not replaceable, but you can always let new ones in.

I mean if I quit because of bad experiences, I’d have quit years before I made any real friends.

That’s the thing, why do we give up? Why do we settle for our life the way it is. Nearly every problem gets better with enough time, energy, and innovation to try to fix it.

I mean you can make money at home in so many ways now, you can’t have really tried everything if you’re broke.

Maybe there’s so many things we can do, that we can’t settle on one.

I really do suggest making a dream list then. Things you always wanted to do, or things that just sound fun to you.

Try to do them. At least one of them. In the next year.

I should get started on mine.

Happy New Year to you all, and stay honest–Natasha.

My keys to Happiness

12/12/2024 / toseealife / 1 Comment

Hello all,

I decided to do a more lighthearted post today.

As you may know, I’ve used part of this blog to post about my recovery process after living with an abusive father for most of my life.

While I may not have as many horror stories as some people (and I acknowledge that everyone is different) it was definitely enough to poison my happiness and my self confidence for many years.

I still live with some side effects of that, but, by and large, my life has vastly improved in the lats 6 years.

I was dealing with depression and anxiety for a while because of what happened (and because I had reoccurring issues with that growing up), but I’ve gotten much better, and I’ve never needed meds. (Some people might, but I felt it wasn’t for me.)

So I thought I’d blog about some of the changes I’ve made.

Keys to Happiness

A lot of people say happiness is fleeting. That it’s just an emotion.

What I’ve come to see from both my own life, and observing other people’s, as well as reading about it, is that it would be more accurate to say happiness is a continual process, not a point of arrival.

I remember during the period of my recovery where I could barely eat because of anxiety (something my mom and sister also went trhough, and I’ve since learned is a symptom of people who’ve been narcissistically abused) some things like songs and messages would help me get trhough the dark points.

One that caught my attention was “Theseus” by the OH Hellos (one of my favorite bands still).

“At the edges of my fingers, never quite closing around it, that peace like a river always going, never getting.

Seems like maybe it’s not all that much a place, as it is a way, and ways don’t ever seem to want to stay too still, too long.”

[Theseus– The Oh Hellos]

I realized after hearing this song that the Bible describes Peace and love and joy as the paths of righteousness, and it always describes goodness as a “way” you walk.

Many major religions or even small ones, describe peace as a state you arrive at at the end of a journey But the Christian religion suggests that peace and joy are things you “practice.” You do them. You build up spiritual muscles to them. Paul even calls it “spiritual exercise” in his letter to Timothy.

I had a paradigm shift gradually after this point. I heard other people teach on the same subject around that time, I’ve always noticed that when I’m learning about a new concept, God throws other sermons and books and people into my path who echo it.

Happiness, and joy, if you prefer the deeper word, are both things you walk in. You make daily, weekly, monthly choices that make you more likely to feel happy.

1. Food

For me, nutrition was a big part of that. It was hard, but I ahd to choose to eat even when I felt sick or had low appetitet or was stressed out.

I never used to do that, and then I’d feel worse because I have a very fsat metabolism and skping evne one meal is enoght to amke me lightheaded and nasuoous. But when i eat regualra, I tend to feel much better.

I was put on a path of findi out how my body works, after suffering for several months with symspt like gaggin and acid reflux because it got so out of hand.

And over time, I learned to eat as a discipline even when I didn’t feel like it, and avoid the symptoms (for the most part) that not eating was giving me.

The weird part was I realized I had had those symptoms my entire life, since childhood, but had always avoided eating as a way to handle them.

I learned things I could do, like use anti-acids, or tea, or protein, to offset the symptoms when they started so I didn’t get to the point where I felt like throwing up.

And I’ve had problems like that since I was a kid.

I also learned to drink things with electrolytes instead of just water or to eat stuff with high sugar when I most felt like I was dropping, because it replenishes faster. And I suddenly stopped feeling sick all the time with allergies and sinus issues like I always did before. I never realized that dehydration was one of the main reasons I felt sick.

And that led me to find out that cold compresses, heating pads, and using aloe vera to help with inflammation, and using nasal spray and eye drops to help with it in hard to reach areas, could also alleviate a lot of the discomfort I felt when I had allergy attacks (which I do frequently).

My health issues have not disappeared now, and some things I did need to seek more help for, like getting a chiropractor for my spine misalignment (which also caused nausea and poor digestion)–but the point is, the entire process began because of what I experienced form trauma leading me to learn different ways of doing things.

I’m not saying that all health problems can be fixed this way, but almost all of them can be made less difficult to deal with by making lifestyle changes. And some can be cured, it depends on the problem. If I had known as a kid what I know now, I’d have missed out on a lot less activities because I felt sick or weak and didn’t want to do them. I might not have done as poorly at jobs that I felt sluggish at because I didn’t eat, never realizing that that was the reason I felt so sick.

And I wouldn’t have felt as depressed, because I realized that low blood sugar was a huge cause of it.

It’s a cycle. You’re stressed so you don’t eat, but then not eating makes you more stressed. But I had to break that cycle step by step. It was never a thing I arrived at. I’m still learning about what works for me 6 years later, but, I am a lot better now than I was then.

And that was just one physical aspect of it. But as C. S. Lewis pointed out in the Screwtape Letters, our body affects our spirits. If we treat our body poorly, we tend to treat our spirit poorly. If our body is weak, our spirit will be weak to fight off dark thoughts.

Probably 90% of depressed kids now are not getting proper nutrition, and not enough sunlight, which also has vitamins you need for your body.

We medicate them, but that just puts more chemicals into your body that are not even really good for it, because they suppress emotions, they don’t balance them, and often they don’t work very well. Even if you feel less sad, you feel less period.

Again for some people, it might work, but a lot of people don’t find it helpful, and often are not told what would most help them is different food habits and different lifestyle habits.

2. Exercising more

True confession: I really only started this one recently.

I did notice that some dancing and walking made me feel better even years ago when I started this journey, but, to be honest, I didn’t make it a regular thing enough to reap the benefits.

I’m not the best at exercising on a schedule now, with work and other things going on, but I still try to frequently work out and walk and get in the sunlight, most importantly.

Even an 20-30 minute walk can make you feel a lot better and get you some needed Vitamin D.

But even more if you sweat, sweat is a good stress reliever.

I started my exercise program for myself during my break from school/work because I realized that when I had things to accomplish, I felt less down and had more energy. I also set myself chores every week so I would feel like I was doing something worthwhile. But I’d say out of the two, exercise helped improve my mood the most and my energy.

Also I felt more like doing chores after I worked out, strange to say. Because it got the blood and endorphins glowing, which makes you feel more productive. Go figure. And you wonder how house wives and farmers wives used to get so much done in one week. It was because they had to do it every day so they were really fit and that made them more motivated (also because they actually expected their children to help them, but that’s a subject for another time). Also they took Sunday completely off, while most of us cram it with just as many activities as week days because it’s our free time.

That leads to my next point.

3. Taking Earned breaks

I would never tell people that work, work, work is the only cure to being depressed or anxious.

It helps a lot. Tests on rats have shown that a cushy lifestyle makes you more depressed and more anxious and more aggressive, not less so. All that energy you’d normally use to survive has to go somewhere. We’re no different. (The rich people who are the most happy have hobbies that are very active, and always have, it’s a fantasy of TV shows that rich people don’t do anything all day except get waited on.)

There’s nothing wrong with resting and relaxing. I can find it hard to really relax, especially when I have the most high anxiety.

Sometimes doing stuff is the best way to keep your mind off it.

But then you can swing back, like I do sometimes, and try to do too much, creating more things to be anxious about.

I sometimes rush into stuff as a way to feel more important or productive in life. I have to be reminded over and over again that your value is not determined by what you di for people and for the Lord, but by what you are and how you love (more on that later).

I need rest too. But I found it easier to rest when I actually worked first. Just lazing around on the couch all day doesn’t feel like rest because you never worked. Or taking Saturday or Sunday off doesn’t feel like rest, if you didn’t work all week.

But if you’re active, then rest is sweeter.

I’ve told my family since I Started my 35 hour a week job (more than I ever worked before in my life, though less than some people), that I realized I need to either take Saturday or Sunday to do pretty much nothing, and it depends on which week was which. Even if that means skipping Church, because that can be a stressful thing to get ready for and drive to, and it’s still exhausting for me. Especially if I’m serving in a ministry that day.

So sometimes I skip it, and rest. And I choose to stay home if I’m not feeling too good instead of powering through it, unless I have no choice.

And if Saturday is free, then I can go on Sunday, but at least one day needs to be a stay at home, don’t do anything difficult, day. Not that I do absolutely nothing, but I do light stuff that won’t physically or mentally strain me.

And the bible lays this out too. Work 6 days, rest on the 7th. I’ve found it doesn’t really matter which day it is, as long as I have one day per week. And it seems like one is enough. Two is nice, when I can, but one at least helps me have the mental fortitude to go back to work. When I don’t do that, the looming work week just feels so overwhelming, I dread it.

I enjoy work, when it’s challenging and I have things to contribute, but I also enjoy rest. They need to be in balance. I’m not the first to point this out, or the last, I’m just telling you that it really works.

And I’m only 26. I’m still at the age where you can push yourself too far and get away with it, but, I really find I can’t do that, even now. Maybe I’ll be better off for it when I’m older.

4. Doing things for other people and just keeping a kind attitude towards them

Gretchen Rubin, author of the “Happiness Project” (which inspired some of the changes I made to my life that I’m writing about, but also I found some of them before I read it a year and half ago, and she just confirmed I was on the right track) wrote that one of her life mottos is:

“There is only love.”

Meaning, I think, that at the end of the day, you really have nothing else to bring satisfaction except what you love, and choose to invest in. Especially if they are people.

And love isn’t always about doing things, though that is a big part of it.

But Corrie Ten Boom wrote how when her mother, who was a very loving person, could no longer do things for people after having a stroke, she still showed her love for them. Corrie wrote that “love is bigger than the walls that shut it in.”

Love is something we do with our souls, not just our bodies, though we should use them if we can.

Maybe you’ve seen this in a small smile a stranger might give you that still has kindness and good will in it. Or just a gesture that would seem meaningless usually but it’s done to help someone else out. Or the lack of a gesture, which sometimes says more.

A lot of us have no clue where to start with small acts of kindness, or we just don’t priortize it.

Also we have different definitions of kindness.

C. S. Lewis wrote that men think that unselfishness is not making people need to do things for you, and that women think that unselfishness is doing things to help other people.

And the difference of that is often what causes fights.

I think he’s right about men and women but I think there’s more overlap. I know ladies who never ask for help and think that makes them unselfish, but they also never offer to help you. And I know men who offer to help you a lot but then can end up making it more difficult for you by accident. And we need to do some things ourselves to feel competent and capable.

Some men think they need to stay out of the way of men, but do things for women. Which yes, by and large, I agree with. But there are nuances. Same with how women treat men.

And a lot of us never really try to figure this out.

The idea of “do no harm” is a popular way to define unselfishness now. But I don’t think it’s complete.

The bible definitely teaches that doing good is a key part of love, and even that it’s the more important part. Not doing anything is okay at times, but, only at times.

But in general, the more people who help, the easier something will be.

And often learning to accept help is a big struggle of ours. I’ve had to learn to do this too. I do not like asking for help. I actually noticed that it was making things more stiff between me and my co-worker though, that I never shared difficulties or questions about what we were doing with them.

I think people act helpless too often when they really aren’t, so I try to avoid acting that way (never let them see you sweat and all) but it can be a turn off. In this day and age people think that teamwork and being open about struggle is more important that just being able to do something alone. That was more Gen X and before’s mindset.

I find that usually I really can solve the problem myself, but asking for help makes people feel more connected with my contributions, and helps them to see I am doing things, so I’ve started to do it more. I still don’t like it, but, I’ll do it for the sake of morale.

And that’s a big part of love, I think. You don’t always like it but you make allowances for what other people need and like.

Not everything is about you.

The more I’ve put effort into doing things that I think will make others happy, the better I feel about myself and my life.

I’ve always wanted to have an impact on the world.

And while I don’t always feel that I contribute something really big, I try not to live small.

My current job is just coordinating tests for the Special Ed kids at a highschool. Basically, I sit in a room, waiting for them to come in, and hand out the tests and then collect them afterward.

I go over rules about it with them, answer questions about it if I can, or contact the teachers if I can’t. I also have to watch for cheating (an ongoing problem) and for kids getting distracted. Basically the person that kids don’t like the most, usually, on staff because they are only there to make sure they don’t do anything bad.

I love kids and hate the public school system so the job was ironic for me in many ways, but it was what I could get and it had a much better salary than my previous job, so I took it as a blessing. And it gives me a lot of time to write (I’m sitting in my “office” classroom right now writing this post, and checking every so often on the kids).

But I resolved that I would do my best to make my job work for me.

I made sure to start learning the kid’s names right off, it took a few weeks but I got most of them down. So I could actually treat them like people and not just people I had to watch.

I made it a point to say “have a good day” every time they left, and “Hello” and “Good morning” when they came in.

I bought extra things like pencil sharpeners, earplugs, and highlighters that I did get provided by the school (they give me some things, but not everything I wanted) so that I could have whatever they needed with me.

Some of them said the room was so bland it was stressing them out (and I had to agree, it was very boring). So I bought a bunch of posters that had nature scenes on them (some that looked like windows so the room looked bigger), and one with a phoenix on it that says “Grades Will rise from the Ashes” under it. (I made that part myself, my family said it was a good idea, and the kids did like it, so I guess they were right.)

I hung up some fake leaves on the back peg board and put fake flowers on my desk/table to brighten it up.

I also memorize the classes the kids are in for the most part so I could get them the tests faster.

I often make jokes or some wry comment to make it seem more like I’m human and not just some scary person. But I am firm when I need to be. When they don’t give me trouble, I don’t give them trouble, that’s my motto.

I’ve made the kids laugh with some of my jokes, so I guess it works out.

Yes, I have problems sometimes with them, but that’s teenagers, and people in general. Communication and attitudes are not always constantly good, but overall, we get along fine and they say they’re pretty comfortable coming to the room and testing here and that I make it more bearable, though they don’t enjoy the testing part much.

But I, at least, am not part of the bad experience, and that was my goal. I can’t make school less boring or annoying maybe, but I can not be part of the soul sucking experience of it. (And hey it’s not a bad school…I just know it’s stressful no matter how good your school is.)

I also try to be nice to my co-workers, and compliment them, and joke, and be cooperative as much as I can be.

This was all basic stuff, stuff anyone should do…and yet, a lot of people don’t do it.

And it helps me, not just them. By treating the kids and adults like people, I feel less bored and less lonely sitting here all day than I would otherwise. We may not be friends, but we’re like neighbors, in a sense. Not close but not hostile, we live in the same vicinity so we get along for the greater good.

Often, school and work can feel like a warzone to people who hate their job. And I could hate my job, if I wanted to focus on the negative parts.

But I don’t. I want to love what I do.

And while I don’t have any passion for testing students or enforcing rules I often think are dumb, I do have it for makinh people’s lives more enjoyable and if I can do that even at school, then, I will.

And in that way, I am living my dream even when it’s not really my dream job. But jobs come and go, really. How you look at them is the only thing you can control about your worklife.

5. Cut back on negativity

Short and simple. I indulged in reading a lot of angsty stories and listen to dark music while I was going through the effects of trauma after my father left.

It felt kind of good, and maybe there is a place for it, but finally I realized that it was encouraging me to dwell on the more dark parts of my life too much. I would get dragged back down to the same discouragement and depression as I felt before.

Especially when I was going through the time when I felt like dying would be better than living, reading about suicidal people just made me feel more hopeless.

I know a lot of people who do this, they gorge themselves on dark media and stories and say they enjoy the angst.

But it’s not good for you.

In moderation, a dark story isn’t unhealthy maybe, but if you read only that–I swear people take pride in it.

One person online told me that they just aren’t interested in a story if the happy character in it isn’t suffering abuse.

. . .

I wanted to ask them if they’d sought counseling for that issue.

Yes, as an author , I enjoy some drama, makes the story more fun to read. And yes, I write some darker stuff, because that’s life.

But I never write a happy character specifically to torture them with abuse and sadness. I have never written anything that was primarily an angst story.

Yes, it’s fun to make a character experience emotions they don’t usually, but it has to be done right, balanced and realistic. People just write with no sense of balance about it sometimes and indulge in it because pity can feel good,in a sick way.

Sometimes it can feel good to hurt people’s feelings, if you’re the type to get comfort out of making others share your own pain. (And all of us are sometimes, aren’t we?)

[Sometimes– Skillet]

But it’s not wise.

It’s also not wise to watch only political stuff that frustrates you about either side. And I have done that too. I had to cut back, it was making me hate the world too much.

Or videos about how stupid one gender is (am I calling you out yet?). Sure, I have problems with men, and with women. But the more I watch of people just complaining about them, either side, the more I think that the real problem is that. No one wants to take accountability for their part in it.

It’s gross. It’s easy to get hooked on, but it’s still gross. And it’s bad for you too.

Soon all you see is negativity.

The irony is, in my real life, plenty of people aren’t like that, and are nice, upstanding people. So if my view of the world is influenced more by people I don’t even know, online, that by people I do know irl…ins’t that a problem?

Sure some of us only know jerks…but you are what you attract, in that case, I say. We all think that we’re not also a jerk, but…if you are surrounded by them, clearly they think you’re one of them.

The point is, don’t put negativity around you if you don’t want to feel that way (preaching to myself here),

7. Get out and try new things

Another simple one, but sometimes motivating myself to go out and do anything when I don’t have to is hard.

But making friends and inviting them to do things I haven’t before, has proven to be a lot of fun. And helped me get closer to people who I’m not used to hanging out with.

I don’t have a expect opinion on the right way to do it, but I find even putting in effort, whether or not it was a success, has changed how I view myself.

I feel like a more confident person after I try stuff a little different than what I usually do.

(I recently tried karaoke for the first time. I’m not the best singer, but it was a blast anyway. The important thing is, it was new and fun).

Learning more about yourself is a good way to feel more at peace with the world, I’ve noticed.

I don’t really believe in all that self actualization stuff, but I do believe that you should find out what you like, and be comfortable with who you are.

Conclusion:

Of course, for me, all of this comes from Above.

I prayed about what to do to help myself feel better, and I believe God directed me to try all those things.

I’m still learning.

I’ve also gained a lot of perspective on my life. I am on better terms with my father, though I doubt we’ll ever be close. I’m even on better terms with the people I got along with before, but we feel closer now. Without all the unspoken tension in our house.

All in all, my life got way better, despite how difficult those dark times were.

And I learned a lot about what makes me the most happy and satisfied.

But maybe the most important part of this is you have to see waht happened as having a purpose.

The author of “Man’s Search for Meaning”, Viktor Frankl, who survived a Nazi prison camp, wrote of doing therapy with people using meaning and purpose. It was very successful, because he found that people can bear suffering more when they think there was a reason for it.

People will make up reasons, if they don’t have one provided.

The Bible has a more nuanced approach. It teaches that not all suffering happens because we deserve it, or even because God wants it to happen to us, but that it just happens, because there is evil in the world.

But, that if we give even the senseless things that happen to us to God, He will give them meaning. He will redeem that suffering.

So even if God didn’t want everything that happened to happen, He will fix it anyway.

And I found that comforting. I can’t quite reconcile the idea of the senseless violence and cruelty in the world with God’s will enough to think that everything was meant to be that way.

But I can reconcile the idea that God will heal it, even if He will not (or cannot, maybe in a sense), prevent all of it.

We can be upset that bad stuff happens period, but, that won’t stop it from happening. And people who use the idea that “nothing we do matters” as comfort, might as well not be alive at all (and many of them soon no longer are because they take that to its natural conclusion.)

The only real way to rise above pain is to accept it’s not always deserved, and it’s not always your fault, and it’s also not always not your fault. You have to take each thing as it comes and decide what to do.

Pain should not change who we are, only sharpen it.

This was not easy for me to practice, but, when I chose to, it was because I felt that the worst pain of all would be if the suffering made me not who I wanted to be. That idea was worse than the idea of more pain, and more suffering.

Because at the end of the day, we are what we have, always, to work with. Everything else changes, except God, I believe.

That was my rock.

Whether everyone will accept that or not, I don’t know, and it’s not really my responsibility if they do, but, for me, that was the motivation for trying to find ways to climb out of the pit.

And I did.

There’s more trouble ahead, no doubt, but I think I know better how to deal with it now.

And Gretchen Rubin said the same. She was learning how to be happy so that she could weather future difficulties more easily and more resiliently, because she built up those habits.

I agree.

I hope you found this post interesting or helpful.

Thanks for reading, and stay honest– Natasha.

Why Do Christians Over spiritualize everything?

10/09/2024 / toseealife / Leave a comment

You ever talk to a Christian who thinks everything has to have some spiritual tagline?

Like a coffee shop has to be called “Holy Grounds” or “He brews” (My churches’ coffee shop is just called Cafe Vida as a nod to the Churches’ name, but, that actually sounds like a normal cafe name. Guess we dodged that bullet.)

Or Christian gum? Or Christian versions of literally everything? if you go to a Christian bookstore, you’d be surprised how many eye-rolling puns and rebranding you’ll find. (Heck, it’s like going into Hot Topic but without the punk goth style.)

I’ve grown up around this stuff and some of it always seemed a little odd. Other stuff, it seemed cheesy but harmless.

And honestly, I don’t think cheesy rebranding is really that big a problem. People make fun of Christians for it, but, in a culture where anime fans buy plushies and body pillows based on fictional characters, and write fan fics shipping themselves with real and imaginary people, and there’s a brand store for pretty much every group out there (including Satanists) I think we could all just acknowledge that it’s not a Christian thing to be cheesy, it’s a human thing.

We like to have our little groups and to make our merch for them.

Nothing really wrong with that.

However, I’ve noticed that the attitude of everything needing to be Christian can also translated into “everything needs to be spiritual.” Everything needs to be rebranded into a certain interpretation.

I’m guessing you clicked don this post for one of three reasons.

You’re a Christian who is already set to be offended by anything I say to criticize Christians–or you may secrets agree with me about it and don’t have an outlet at your church.
You’re a non-Christian who wants to read about how nuts Christians are (very popular now I know)
You actually follow me and read it because I haven’t posted in a month or so. (In which case, thank you so much for your support.)

I’m probably going to annoy you if you’re group 1, I don’t know about the other two.

Now to be clear, I’m not hating on my fellow believers. By and large they are the nicest people I meet, no matter where I go. Sure, there’s some bad apples, but, if I took the bulk of non-believer I met, and the bulk of believers, the believers would win out as to who has been the most kind, helpful, supportive, and positive influence in my life.

However, my critique is more than Christians only help with some things, but often have this weird blind spot that I think is not biblical and not wise, especially in this day and age where people’ have forgotten all common sense approach to anything in life.

In fact that’s what I think we’re missing as a whole: Common sense.

Or, wisdom, if you prefer the Bible word (see what I did there?).

Some people also call it discernment, but that often gets mistaken as just being about spirtual warfare. In relay, discernment needs to be a skill evyeron uses, even if you’re not a believer.

What made me start thinking about this right now (thought not for the first time) was a conversation I had with a friend at the Bible study group last night.

This guy had shared several months ago about a problem with losing his enthusiasm for doing spiritual things. He still has his faith and still love the Lord, but doesn’t feel the same drive to pray, fast, or worship. He was worried that his closeness with God was being damaged.

Honestly, I could relate to it, as I’ve had the same feeling for a couple years now. However, in working through it in my life, I’d come to see some things about it.

My immediate reaction was to say I thought it was probably just the normal dying down of enthusiasm. This guy has been a Christian less than 4 years, and I would have expected it to happen a lot sooner. We all eventually lose the first passion and have to replace it with something deeper.

However, I was the only one who had this perspective.

They meant well, but every other person in the group jumped either to “some unknown sin” (Think of Job’s comforters in that story) or to “spiritual attack” and that we needed to pray it away and stuff.

Well, I knew that wasn’t going to work. And I wished I had a chance to talk to him more about it because I felt sure I knew the real problem. But then, I wondered if I was just being arrogant and thinking I knew best, as I usually do.

Months go by and I don’t hear any more about it, but then yesterday, he brings it up again and asks if we can talk about it (well I offered too since he was asking for prayer, but he was eager).

So me, and my sister sat down and heard the story.

I can’t lay it all out, but suffice it to say a lot of lifestyle changes, new responsibilities, and probably just the natural passage of time’s effects on our emotions seemed like the root cause. There was no sin, no religious trauma (this guy didn’t grow up in church really so it’s not an aversion to spiritual things based on past experiences) and no one in his life was really making it harder. It’s just that life changes, and our passion and energy change with it.

And since the issue had not changed, despite the prayer and other “Spiritual” advice, my sister and I figured we were right. It wasn’t sin or warfare.

After we got done talking, the guy said what we said did seem to help a little. And we asked what was helpful and he said that while he’d talked to our pastor and other believers about it, no one had really given him the practical angle like we did.

Our suggestions were mostly lifestyle based.

We didn’t say to pray the problem away, to fast, or to worship.

My personal thought was he probably over did it as a new Christian, and that was why he was burned out on it. But I didn’t say it that way, I just suggested trying other things to connect with God that weren’t so spiritual, and that it was fine to use things like exercise, (my sister suggested using art, movies, and stories to find meaning that God might have for you).

I also suggested (as I always do) to read a book. The Screwtape Letters talks a lot a

bout spiritual burnout and how to deal with it. And it’s an easy read, while a lot of theology books aren’t (I love them but, they’re very dry usually.)

Whether bro will take our advice or not, he seemed relieved that we didn’t make the whole thing into even more of a spiritual crisis.

The real problem here is often that we start to feel guilt and shame for not wanting to do these things.

Personally, I’ve found it much easier to pray when I’m exercising, whether it’s just walking (what many people do), or dancing, or literally lifting weights and doing pushups. It’s easier to worship that way too.

Sometimes activating my body helps me and my soul and mind. And that’s not a new idea. Paul wrote that bodily exercise is good, but spiritual exercise is better. (1 Timothy 4:8)

C. S. Lewis addressed the loss of early enthusiasm in the Christian walk many times in his writings, like The Screwtape Letters:

“Let him assume that the first ardours of his conversion might have been expected to last, and ought to have lasted, forever, and that his present dryness is an equally permanent condition.” [Chapter 9]

He also states that we forget that we are mind, soul, and body. That if we treat our body unwisely, it will make our spiritual lives harder. We’re all united.

Also why doing the right things will make our bodies healthier. There’s scientific research to back this up, but anyone who paid attention really would notice the same thing in the people around them. My family members who lived the most sinful, undisciplined lives ended up with a myriad of health issues, while the ones who did not have even for the most part, the healthiest.

Now it’s not always true, some chronic disease are just genetics or not our choice, but, it’s true more times than it isn’t, in my opinion (And health experts agrees).

That said, do you know how many times I’ve heard any Christian go to that when someone tells them a problem.

It’s weird to me actually, how divorced we are from our everyday lives when we go to church.

I’ve heard plenty of believes give life advice that was practical when they were having our outside of church–some of them still rely solely on spiritual stuff, but many will suggest lifestyle changes outside church–but insides church, they will only say prayer, fasting, worship, whatever.

It’s like we’re ashamed to be normal human beings with normal problems.

This attitude is not remotely biblical. I’m not even sure how it got so widespread. and it’s not even just America.

I used to go to an African church (I mean they mostly were Africans who went to it, it wasn’t in Africa), and they were actually more this way. Anything could ever be cussed just by health issues, it was always the devil. Nothing could ever be irresponsibility on your part, it was la the devil attacking you.

Maybe here and there one person might suggest it was something else, but, they never really got much attention.

It was so weird for me. I mean, I wasn’t sure whether to agree or not.

But going to many different churches in my life, and listened to different problems people have, I’ve thought most of the time “You know that to could easily be resolved if you’d just mature, or make a change to your life that would be smart. You don’t need prayer, you need discipline!”

I’m not by any means saying we shouldn’t pray about everything (Philippians 4:6). But there’s another aspect of this the Bible covers, particularly in the book of James. Which makes it clear that we are not to only pray for people’s blessings. We are also supposed to bless them ourselves, if we have the means to do so’

¹⁴What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds?…¹⁵Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. ¹⁶If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? ¹⁷In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” [James 2]

And there are chapters and chapters of how Christians are supposed to live, how we are supposed to grow in self control and kindness and modesty (not the clothing kind).

So it’s not as if God doesn’t make it clear that we need to address our mind and our bodies as well as our soul.

I don’t know why this has gone out of the Church’s Sunday Sermons, Bible Studies, and general ideology so much. At most, we give lip service to it. But people often get very offended if you dare to advise them on any practical matters.

(Though some of us would be really glad for it.)

Despite being raised in a Christian home, where my parents both turn to the spiritual aspect more than anything else when they address issues, I’ve always rushed more to any practical explanation first.

Actually, that’s probably why. For years I’ve watched my father deal with lifestyle and behavioral issues, and he always went for prayer on them…and nothing happened.

I don’t think it’s that prayer isn’t a real help for many people. I think it’s that prayer must be followed by our actions. Unless it’s a situation that we can’t do anything about. But, if we’re honest, 80% of our problems are ones we could easily do something about, and people often use prayer as an excuse to do nothing.

They act as if God will take care of it. God will magically change your personality and life habits for you.

Yeah, well, even if God could do this, why would He?

Don’t you think God might find it demeaning to be asked to fix problems for you that you could fix yourself? Many parents and even professionals find it annoying to be asked to fix stuff for people that they could fix on their own.

And like your mom when she cleans your room, if God fixes your easy problem, He may do it by eliminating some things you don’t necessarily want gone, because it gets to that point where it’s too frustrating to deal with it anymore. (I mean that sounds like what happened to the Israelites when they wandered in the wilderness for 40 years.)

I guess the big question now is why do we do this? And how harmful is it?

I’ve spent some time describing why we need to take action in the here and now, but is thre really any reason not to say that’s also spiritual.

Well, according to James, it is spiritual. True religion is serving the people who won’t be able to pay you back for it. Often, who won’t thank you for it.

C. S. Lewis said that kind of true Christian would be someone who seems to always have a lot of time, and never talks about their problems extensively or their achievements.

I’m not there yet, certainly. But Lewis tried to practice what he preached. He tried not to think of his influence on people, as one of his friends documented. (An introduction to the the Weight of Glory tells the story.)

That said, Lewis was always wary of spiritual pride. The temptation to think that being more “in the know” about spiritual things makes you better than non-believers, or even new believers.

And we do that a lot in the modern church (I suspect it’s always been the biggest problem in any church, really).

We don’t think of it as pride.

But when we tell someone who’s opening up about a struggle that they should just pray more, or do this or that spiritual thing, but we don’t offer any other help to them, that’s pride.

It’s like saying “If you did all these spiritual things I did, you wouldn’t have problems.”

Chonda Pierce, a famous Christian comedian, told how in her struggles with depression, that was what got on her nerves the most when people told her. No one just wanted to listen to her vent and be supportive. Judgment free.

Most of us probably mean well (I’ve done it myself once or twice), thinking that’s just what we’re supposed to say–and then there are some who are just mean and dismissive because they truly don’t care.

Either way, it doesn’t help, but people generally forgive the first kind more easily.

The thing is, this or that said in prayer doesn’t always really matter. Shocking I know. But God knows our hearts. He knows what we mean, the Bible says that too. Saying magic words doesn’t make anything different.

There are things you can learn to pray for better, sure, but I never thought formulas were a good idea. Too much like the way pagans worship their false gods. Repetition. Jesus warned about that.

And he warned that over complicating things is also the work of futile religion.

The best thing to do is pray simply and honestly about what you need, thank God, and ask forgiveness. in some measure all of us should be praying those three things on a regular basis. Whether you do it daily in that order, or you do it was the need arises.

The bible also never says how long to pray, or how many days a week you should. Though it does support doing it every day, it sounds like in some place, but God never commands it in the New Testament in so many words. Jesus says “our daily bread” as the closest thing to it.

I’m not saying you should pray every day, but I’m saying that people make up all these standards. Pray for an hour, pray for half an hour, pray 5 times a day…and it’s all unnecessary.

Pray when you can, when you should, and when God leads you. Figure out the rest to fit your life, that’s what I tell people.

Reality is, especially if you’re a parent, you can’t devote hours every day to prayer. Telling people that’s the answer is ridiculous.

Telling people that more worship will fix every issue they’re having is also ridiculous.

Yes, it may help. Worship does help us relax, it does help a lot of things, but, that doesn’t mean you should be doing what you can on your end.

An old saying is “Heaven helps those who help themselves.” It’s not the bible, but the Bible does say to work and to live wisely. which is pretty much the same thing. That phrase has fallen out of popularity in our entitled, spoiled generations.

Honestly, people who work hard to make what they want happen often don’t demand as much from God anyway, and are more grateful for the hlep He does give. But they often need less to begin with because they do work for themselves.

And why should we earn part of our own success? There are things only God can give you, it’s true, but you have to remember the parable of the talents. Everyone has so much and they need to do so much with what God gives them, or it goes to waste.

And all this asking God to give you more, instead of figuring out how to use what you have better, is not a good lifestyle.

And this applies to mental health issues as well. People ask for prayer for anxiety and depression all the time…if you dare to suggest that they probably should exercise more, cut down on sugar, sotp reading angsty teen novels or watching depressing movies, and stop hanging around people who only company ob t life–well then you’re part of the problem. You dared to expect something from them.

Look, I don’t know how else to say it, if something is enough of a problem for you to ask for prayer from other people about it (since most of us don’t like sharing our problems anyway) then it’s nos you need to be willing to take action to fix.

And who’s to say God does not answer prayer by simply telling you what to do to make it better? Many of my prayers have been answered that way. And many people I know have shard similar stories.

Like when Naaman asked a prophet what to do to be cured of leprosy, and he was told to bathe in the Jordan River 7 times. He refused at first, thinking it was too silly and unnecessary, and his servants asked him “if he had asked you to do a hard thing, would you have done it?”

And so, realized that it was simple to do it, he did, and he was cured.

Simple things can be the hardest, because we can do them ourselves, we just don’t want to.

And we’re afraid to tell each other that, because peopel get the most offended when you say they need to change.

But, that’s life. Most things in life only change when you yourselves change. Tough crap if you don’t like it.

One more thing…

Perhaps a lot of this sounded only like basic common sense after all, and nothing really unusual.

But what if I said I don’t even think the attending church weekly, and participating in ministry is really most of what Christianity is about.

That might shock you.

Ministry is important, but, again, most of the ministry done through church is just more church. More 6 week lesson series, studies and prayer meetings.

Which is fine, but, rarely changes anyting in your life big time.

Helping the person you sit next to in school, on the bus, at work, that’s much closer to real Christianity.

But those are the poele who often annoy us the most, aren’t they?

Or being kind to your own family, that’s not the popular topic now, is it?

But that’s what the Bible, and really, most faiths that have nay merit at all, describe as real righteousness. Personal and private life things being in order before public or professional ones.

Yes, the public ones are important, but never as much as private, though it’s counter-intuitive to most of us to think of it that way.

But a thought to keep in mind is that Jesus Himself did not often attend church, though He did go to temple when he was in town and could. Before they drove Him out.

Jesus spent the majority of his time traveling, eating, drinking, and teaching his followers. He settled disputes, provided food, and did many miracles in private, not public. He taught often about how to live with your neighbor and your brother, not with your public.

Why? Because that’s what He was really about fixing.

And how to live with God. How to honor Him truly. How to show Him your love.

Jesus didn’t have 4 worship songs, a prayer time at the end of service, and offering.

All that was a part of his life, but in a different way. He wove it into his full life, he never separated the two like we are.

And compartmentalizing it into just chruch stuff is part of our problem. We should see following God as holistic.

You can follow God while you’re working out at the gym, reading a book, babysitting, taking kids to school, doing a desk job, doing a physical labor job, teaching, sleeping, showering, whatever.

Do everything as to the Lord, the Bible says. [Colossians 3:23]

And if any area of your life is out of balance, the best way to serve the Lord is to bring it into balance, whether you need a physical, mindful, emotional, or spiritual solution. Often it’s more than one thing.

Adn yes, there’s time to use prayer and fight on another plane, but, it should usually be only one step, not the only step period.

Food for thought, and I think I’ll end there.

TLDR: We do this because we’re afraid to admit we have non-spiritual problems because it makes us sound more ordinary and we think a good Christian should be spiritual.

But, we’re all human and it’s part of life to have normal problems too, which sometimes need normal solutions as much as spiritual ones.

Thanks for reading, and until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

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