Author: toseealife

Christmas has changed for me (in a good way).

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It’s that time of year again.

I’m waiting for my family to get ready so we can open presents, since, you know, that’s how we do.

I thought I’d write a short post about how Christmas has changed for me a bit this year.

We still did all the same things, but I felt like I wanted to do them myself more this year.

The last few years, I’ve kind of lost my enthusiasm for a lot of the things I used to like as a kid. I didn’t want to decorate the tree, listen to the music, or do cookies and lights and all the other stuff.

I’m not sure if it had something to do with my dad moving out, and the subsequent depression and anxiety that followed for a few years, or if it was as I’ve become an adult, I don’t have the same childlike enthusiasm as before, so I didn’t see a point to it all.

This year though, I found myself wanting to do those things again. And I did, I actually helped do a lot more than before. I set up the tree, and my sister and I made cookies since our mom had to work.

My sisters and I have all had to step up more and more often as our schedules get more busy and our mom’s does too. We’ve taken on more and more responsibilities.

That stressed me out more last year, but this year I felt more into it.

But I really think the change is more of tied to my new job somehow. I’ve noticed I’ve become a lot more productive even at home, since starting it.

It’s hard to believe how much of a difference it makes but because at this job I’m treated like an adult (instead of a student like I was at the last job), I’ve grown to see myself with more self respect.

It’s not that I didn’t try to be a good worker at previous jobs, but I felt always lile I was treated as beneath my boss, even when they were nice to me.

This job, even though I’ve made mistakes, sure, everyone does, I’m never belittled or treated poorly. So I’ve gained the ability to be able to offer solutions to problems and enact them myself. And instead of getting in trouble for doing things differently than the others, I’ve been told it’s good that I came up with my own approach.

I now understand why people find good work environments make such a difference. While I coudl survive in a bad one, if I had to, the good one makes you feel more like a person.

And carrying that self respect back home, I also made more contributes to the household budget (small ones but I tried) and did more chores and stuff. Because now I feel more like an adult.

I’m 26, I’ve been an adult for several years, but the mindest just wasn’t fully thre for me. I mean, I’ve not been immature, but I guess it was more of not feeling like other people gave me credit for it. That feels different now.

It shifts, really.

To cap it off, I bought my second car (first one I’ve paid for though) this month, and that was another milestone.

I also wil file taxes for the first time next year. Yay…

But actually, making enough income to even need to worry about filing was something I prayed about. I don’t relish the idea of paying them, but if I’m finally not under the poverty line, then that’s good. (I know you can file even if you are, but I made a few thousand at most the year before this so it was literally pointless to even bother with that. This is the first year I’ve made more.)

I think also, as I’m older now, I’ve realized that I won’t always be able to do all this with my family.

Not that I’m planning to move out, get married, or anything else any time soon. But it will happen eventually.

I know everyone says that, but, I think it is true. Maybe it’s just a phase of life to realize that. Kids are always looking forward to the next thing, which is not bad, they have their whole life ahead of them.

Elderly people tend to look behind them, though some of them don’t, but many live in the past.

I’m not sure there’s any one age where you decide to live in the present, at least not universally, but I think that’s kind of what I’ve been thinking.

And Christmas is the time to think about present, right?

Ha ha…I know, bad joke.

But at the same time, I mean…yeah, the holidays are kind of what let us slow down and see where we are right now.

Maybe that’s why God commanded so many of them in the bible. A lot of people don’t know this, but Celebration is actually considered a spiritual discipline by the Christian church.

Because it is a discipline, isn’t it? It takes work to make celebrations. And it’s something I’ve never been very good at. I was an anxiety ridden teenager and child, and as an adult, I’ve only made steps outside that in the last couple years.

So I understood why it’s actually an act of self will to celebrate.

But if you do, if you build up tha muscle, eventually you’ll come to see why it matters so much.

Feasts, dedications, festivals, they help us remember the good things that happened in the year.

Gretchen Rubin, author of the the “Happiness Project” wrote in her book that “the days are long but the years are short.”

That’s so true.

We experience the present as a long time, day by day, but it drops away from us into the past so quickly. The older I get, the faster it goes.

I’m not really sad about this. I think change is important and it’s often fun, and good. I’m not as afraid of it as a I was as a kid.

But nonetheless, we can miss what’s good in our lives if we never pause to think about it.

Every book and movie about Christmas feels like it’s about that, doesn’t it?

Maybe there’s a reason for that. Maybe it’s something that humans just know, deep down, about holidays.

And remember that in the Bible, the angel told the shepherds “Peace on Earth and good will to men”. Designating the birth of Christ as the time to celebrate and have good will to each other.

So I have good will that all of you will have a good Christmas.

And even if you are dealing with some tough stuff this Christmas, try to find something to celebrate.

(I get to have a dentist appointment tomorrow that I didn’t want, and that’s just the beginning, so no, my life is not perfect right now, but, I’m not letting that steal my joy.)

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight, day, and whatever is in between.

Until next time–Natasha (do you know that name means Christmas? Fitting right.)

A not-so tough question…

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Daily writing prompt
Who are the biggest influences in your life?
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The top influences in my life?

My sisters are probably two pretty big influences. We have each other’s backs, and we ask each other for help about anything from fashion to finances.

There’s also my favorite books, which have shaped my views on pretty much everything in life, especially ones by C. S. Lewis.

And of course, the biggest influence of all is my faith, in Jesus Christ. Which runs through everything I do and believe.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas Eve–Natasha.

To be honest…yes.

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Daily writing prompt
Are you a good judge of character?
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I am very good at reading people’s behavioral patterns. I can get a feel for what they probably will and won’t do.

Has given me some trust issues with people who take offense to that, though.

But it’s a useful thing to be able to do. I usually nkow who to ask for a favor, who will come through for me, etc.

I generally can get a read on people within 5-10 minutes of meeting them, and the more time I know them, the better I can predict their trustworthiness.

Which is a skill I thought everyone had till I realized the amount of times I’ve seen people put faith in someone who is abusive and toxic, no matter how many times they’ve proven to be that way. So I guess it’s not universal.

It can be frustrating to be intuitive around people who are not that way. Things that seem obvious to me often seem like I’m making snap judgments to people.

I’m not infallible though. I have been wrong, or I’ve failed to listen to my instincts and still trusted unworthy people, or maybe been too harsh on others.

I think it’s like predicting the weather. We’re pretty good at it now, but there are always slight changes or shifts that make us often wrong or at least slightly off from what really happens.

People can always surprise you, but if you’re good at judging character, you are surprised less often.

Case in point, I remember there was on actor who was accused of sexual harassment and after I looked into it and his actions and personality, I didn’t believe it was true. Though people claimed there was a lot of evidence. Later he was found innocent by the court.

Of course, maybe it’s not always provable, but, by and large, I can guess when someone is innocent and when they’re not.

I’d be curious to know if other people have the same mixed reception of this gift that I do, and if people tend to get mad at you for it or just to be confused as to why you don’t like something or someone even if you’ barley know them.

Thoughts?– Natasha

Is it a cliche?

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Daily writing prompt
When are you most happy?
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Sounds cheesy, but I think it’s when I’m doing something to make other people happier. Maybe because I don’t always focus on if I feel happy because of something, it’s easier to be a third party observer.

I feel like happiness is better if you’re sharing it with someone else.

Don’t let people’s annoyance steal your joy.

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I was looking at a short video on YouTube last night which made me kind of sad.

In it, one of those r/reddit threads was asking people about something they’ve never forgotten being said to them, and the person told a story about how their husband said their singing was annoying.

This woman loved to sing, and after her husband said that, she said she no longer felt the same about it. It was her way of expressing joy.

Though he later apologized, she still felt bad.

The comment section was full of people sharing similar stories of how others crapped on their innocent fun and talents in the same way.

I have that story too, only it didn’t happen to me just once. My dad made fun of my singing for years, though it didn’t stop me from doing it (though it did stop me from doing it around him a lot.)

Once I even sang for his birthday party since my sisters weren’t willing to do it, though he wasn’t very happy with me doing it instead, and after he said I sang off key. No “thank you”, nothing.

My father was less than encouraging about my writing (doesn’t read this blog either, not for years,) and even encouraged my sisters to make fun of it. Thankfully, they stopped doing that and are now my biggest fans (and sometimes the only fans I have.)

I was hurt plenty of times by my dad’s comments, and my mom didn’t exactly say he was wrong.

Though I had a singing instructor who said I had a good voice, I didn’t really think so.

Now I can’t even tell. I like singing still, I like listening to myself if I’m not on recording, but on recording, I can’t tell if it’s good or not.

I often wish I could sing like my sister, who has a very good voice and musical talent.

But the funny thing is, she was encouraged in that by my father and other people, and me and my other sister even, while we were less encouraged.

And I’ve noticed that singing is harder when you feel less confident about it. Actually that was in some of the other stories in the thread too.

Pretty much everything is hard to do well when you feel insecure.

But singing made me happy.

Honestly, while I would like it if other people enjoyed listening to me, I would sing anyway, even if only while I was alone.

It was sad to me to read that so many people just gave up what they loved doing, just because of one mean comment.

It’s like we thing one other person is really the judge of our talents.

Newflash: Other people can be wrong, and often are wrong.

I mean name one famous singer who is liked by every single person. None of them are.

No famous artist appeals to every single person out there. Some philosophers used to think that’s what made art, art. The fact that it can’t always appeal to the masses.

What we find annoying also changes based on how tired we are, how stressed we are, and as us ladies know, our hormone levels.

I can be fine with something one day and another day and I want to scream if I hear it or see it.

I can even find singing and talking annoying sometimes, from other people.

But I do not do what my father used to do and bark “Quiet!” at them, just for existing. (He said that when we sneezed or coughed too, as if we could help that).

I do have moments when I say sharp things without a good reason, I won’t deny it. I think we all do. But thankfully, my family knows that I’m doing that in a moment of irritation and not because I find what they do annoying at all times. And they know that because I praise them for what they do also.

It’s fine to maybe not want to hear or do something at one particular moment, and if it won’t hurt the other person’s feelings, you can say “can we please be quiet for a bit?”

In a secure relationship, someone else can understand that you just need a break, and it’s not them, it’s just that you’re tired.

But if you say things thoughtlessly lie ” you’re annoying” Then it becomes about having a problem with them.

I’m sure my dad was told he was annoying all the time growing up, he’s said as mcuh (and he was, from all I hear). No doubt to him, it’s normal to snap at people like that.

But I don’t want to be that way.

I also think we need to grow a thicker skin. All of us are going to annoy people sometimes. And it’s good to be considerate of them.

The funny thing is my father was not the least bit considerate of me. When he played his music, he’d crank it up so loud it would make my head hurt. Even if I told him I already had a headache, he would just say “Too bad!”

Yeah, this is the same person who got mad at us for involuntarily sneezing.

You see my point? Some people are just nsaty.

You can’t let them kill your joy.

The fact is, what you’re doing may only be annoying to them because they are too easily annoyed. We all need to learn paitence.

It’s not like every feeling is valid (whatever they say now). I know that it’s irrational to find kids laughing annoying, especially if they’re outside, and not bothering me, but some people still find it annoying. But if I do, that’s a me problem. they’re not doing anything wrong. (I don’t actually find it annoying btw, it’s just an example.)

The feeling of annoyance is something that’s hard to control and inconsistent; and that’s why we shouldn’t let it master our words and actions. It’s not even worth it to complain half the time, I think.

In my mind, the only valid time to ask someone not to do something because it annoys you is if you’re feeling sick or you’re trying to focus or rest, and then it is inconsiderate of them.

Otherwise, they’re just living their lives, and you should let them.

And I apply that to my own actions too. I try not to get mad at people over dumb little things they don’t need to worry about.

Often, I just change my environment. Like, if I don’t want to listen to someone or something in the background, I put in my earbuds. We have so much technology now that can help us not be annoyed and then make us be nicer to people, but we still don’t always use it.

I chose not to listen to my dad, and to keep singing and keep writing.

And look at me now.

I’m not extremely successful as a writer maybe, but, I’m growing, I’m reaching an audience. I’m honing my skills.

And I may not be a famous singer, but I put it to use when I teach and my love of music works for me in other ways, like when I practice sign language.

I also recently had a karaokee themed birthday party, and while I didn’t sing the best (had a clogged throat from allergies), my friends said that it was still very fun.

And that’s the real point.

Not everyone is really good at something, but that’s no reason not to do it, if you like it.

I am not good at chess. I still played someone last week who I knew would beat me, because it’s fun, and I like to challenge myself (I like wining more, but, it’s good to play a game you know you’ll lose every so often, just to not get too arrogant.)

I’m not great at dancing, but I still dance.

Who cares?

If someone really needs to control your actions to that point, maybe they have the probelm.

That’s why I’m telling you all, if you dropped something that you used to love because of a mean comment, don’t.

Get back into it.

Don’t let people shame you out of doing what you really like.

I’m not saying to make a career out of it, though maybe you could. But some things we need to do just for the love of them, because money has a way of making even fun things feel like work.

That may be why God in His wisdom gives us all a penchant to enjoy doing things we aren’t good at, so that we won’t monetize everything we do.

If I ever make money from writing, I know it might take some of the fun out. And you know, I’m disciplined enough now to maybe be able to handle it, but, I’m glad I had so many years of doing it for only myself for only a few people. I got to really enjoy what I do.

Same thing with childcare really. I didn’t have to do it for a long time, but I voluntarily did it, and even though I do it for a living now (in a way), I’m still glad I didn’t for a long time.

So whatever people said to you, remember they don’t have the right to judge your entire life, or your interests.

Personally, I don’t do that to others. Even if I think they suck at what they do, it’s their life and it’s their right to do it. I don’t have to particopate in it if I think it’s bad, right?

(I’m talking just about quality, not morality, obviously, that’s a different conversation than this post is having).

Anyway, I hope this encourages someone. I felt like more people needed to hear this. Just do what you love.

Even if you’re doing it alone, or not paid, or people say you’re not good at it, do it anyway. Skill isn’t everything in life.

Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.