I know I’ve been MIA for a while. Life got crazy, and often this blog ends up on the back burner.
But I’ve been happy to see a lot of people are still visiting it anyway. Thank you all for your support.
This year has been one of the hardest I’ve gone through since before my dad moved out.
Just a list of things that have happened:
I went to the ER while on vacation.
My new (used) car needed two major repairs within the same year and a few smaller ones.
I lost one job and wasn’t able to continue the other because of school work being too much.
I had an ear infection that cost me some of my hearing in one ear.
I had my laptop break down and it took three tries to find a replacement.
I cut off my dad again.
My cat disappeared for 4-5 days straight (luckily someone found her).
Debit card got hacked and I had to freeze it.
Honestly, there was more, I just can’t remember it all at once.
At the same time, I did accomplish some cool things this year.
I had three yard sales that raised near to $1000 in total that helped me repay my car debt.
I had friends who contributed to a GoFundMe for another $600.
I was able to finish some stories and start a podcast.
I organized almost my entire house, cleared out the garage, got rid of unnecessary things, sold others, and fumigated our shed for termites (all with my families help).
We cleared out our storage unit also so we don’t have to pay for that anymore.
Despite all the setbacks, I was able to set aside some money.
Thankfully, I caught the debit card fraud before anyone used it to buy something.
A friend of ours at church actually gave my sisters and I each $100 to start investing with, just out of a wish to help us out.
Somehow, though I’ve been wrecked financially, I’ve still had enough to cover my basic needs. I cut down on spending, but was able to find other methods to get stuff, and my family has been nice about paying for things when I can’t.
Through all this, I admit, it’s been hard to feel like God is really helping me. Not because I haven’t had blessings, but because they have not been what I wanted.
I really wish to be more financial stable, even if I can’t be fully independent. I wish to have a different job in childcare, one I could actually grow in.
I wish to have accomplished more in my life than I have.
I wish I wasn’t single still at 27.
The fact is, I wanted a family by this age, I wanted a better job. I never imagined I’d still be in nearly the same financial place now as I was when I was 20.
“Try everything” like the Shakira song says has been my motto this year.
I have learned a lot, I admit.
I’ve heard that if you end up in the same place over and over again, it’s because you haven’t yet learned what God wants you to learn from it.
The truth is, my idea of success is too important to me.
Blame it on my dad for beating into my head (against my will, really), that jobs were all important. He criticized me so much for not having one, and not looking for one once I’d realized my methods didn’t wokr in the modern job market (once I switched to online job sites, I had success finally, but he never told me to do that). He also used to say he wanted to kill himself when work was bad.
He and my mother also made some poor financial choices and didn’t always think ahead, though they had some back ups, but we had to file for bankruptcy when I was 9-11. And we moved, not for the last time.
I had a life coach briefly also who blamed me for not having a job when I told her the same thing I told my dad… she wan’s my life coach after that point. The 30 minute long lecture I don’t ask for just killed it for me.
My dad also encouraged me to put up with toxic bosses which led to my first several jobs being very unhealthy ones.
So yeah, I wasn’t set up to take this job thing lightly. Even when I know it’s not my fault and the market is bad, I find it hard not to take it personally.
When work is going well, I tend to feel good about everything else, and when it’s not…I feel depresesed.
Funny, I always thought my dad’s attitude towards it was stupid, but now I’ve found it hard not to adopt it.
So, maybe, God has allowed this reoccurring joblessness in my life to teach me both how ot rely on other people (as I’ve had no choice but to do), and to not make jobs all important.
I can’t say I’m happy about it, but I’ve gone on with my life, chosen to pursue hobbies, home organizing, doing what I can when I can’t work, to keep busy and productive and not to see it as only worth doing if I’m making money.
I have many days where I still feel stressed about it, and I’ve had dozens, if not hundreds of set backs on this journey.
Still, I know that many people wish they could have what I have. I don’t have to pay rent since I live with my grandma still. I have support. I’ve been able to pursue my interests because of free time.
Is it really so bad?
The truth is, I know it’s not as bad as it feels.
I wish, honestly, that I could be as grateful all the time, and as joyful, as I think I should be, conciser how much worse it could be.
Sometimes, I do find it funny, the struggles I have, since they are almost cartoonishly numerous this year, but most of them were small, compared to some.
My nature is to worry, really. To let the problems I have steal my joy. I’ve been that way since I was 5 or 6. The same time my anxiety disorder started.
I used to think if I looked forward to things, they were more likely not to happen. I’d try to trick fate by thinking against things happening…which we know now, actually makes it more likely they won’t. Positive thinking makes success more likely.
I still sometimes feel jinxed, and I hear the same things in my head that I heard my dad say, over and over again.
As if God is testing me, as if He has abandoned me. As if he will keep me afloat, but not let me do anymore than survive, which is stressful.
And that that is not fair.
Yet… do I really know best?
Perhaps, like my father, I’ve not been responsible enough with money to really warrant making more of it.
I’ve learned a lot more this year, and I do feel more ready to make wise choices financially once I go back to work.
Perhaps it’s that simple, God didn’t want to give me more when I wouldn’t be a good steward of it.
One thing He’s put in my head, many times in the last two years, is “he who is faithful with little will be faithful with much’ and “I have better things for you.”
Better than to settle for the same crap as before, I hope.
But have I been faithful?
I hope so. I try to be.
When I do have money, I do try to give and be generous with it. Not always maybe as much as I should, I’m never sure how much we should, but, I try.
Yet, the thing I keep thinking is, maybe God is not doing this to punish me.
My dad would say that, but I never believed it in his case.
He thought job success was proof God was pleased with Him, and anything less meant he was failing.
Well, he was failing, but not at working. He failed us at being a good father and husband. The areas he needed to grow.
I have learned more about stewarding my home and family this year, as I’ve had time to make improvements around my house and rally my family to do so also.
I got us all to start taking more notice of our grandma’s health, and to start thinking of saving money together as well, and I got us all to sell and get rid of the unneeded stuff so we had room for our things and don’t need the storage unit anymore.
I’ve cleaned more, rearranging more, and gotten more cost effective lighting options even for our rooms.
All in all, I’m proud of it. The house is almost a different place than it was last year.
All this is stuff my dad never did, and to be honest, I never used to do either. I might never have bothered to try if I was working more.
It has taken some of the pressure off my mom also, though she still has to do the heavy lifting financially for us. But by bringing more income and eliminating the storage unit cost, I feel I helped at least a little even if I couldn’t work. I did repay her for the money she loaned me for my car, almost all of it. Still have $900 to go.
I would love to do more, but, I can’t right now.
Still, I wasn’t useless. I wasn’t wasteful with what time I did have.
If God looks for us to make the most of what we have to work with, I hope that He is satisfied with my efforts.
I can’t tell you all where I will land on this, but this year has been crazy for everyone. Everyone I know has had problems this year, so I guess we’re all in this together.
Still, while I’m struggling, my spirit is not broken.
Not many people my age believe they will have a bright future.
I think it depends on what you go by.
While I find it hard to be optimistic about the state of the world in general, I know I don’t know everything.
God finds ways to bless people no matter what goes on in the world, somehow. That’s always been true if you read books by people of faith.
So my fate isn’t tied only to the world din generals, however much it feels like it.
Success may not look like what I wished, but I might still find it, in my way.
The clouds have silver lining.
I can’t know for sure if the end of next year will see me in a much better place or not, but, I can hope.
Even if it doesn’t, I hope I will have learned not to take it all personally, not to base worth on money, and not to blame myself for things I cannot control.
Wishing all of you the same, and a good holiday season, stay honest– Natasha
This month I’ve been asking myself why, since this year started and it seemed like every thing that could go wrong did go wrong, I turned so much to doing things to improve my household life.
(By the way, my car had to get repaired again. The ABS, the other big Prius thing that tends to break, went out. I hope at least now that the two big ones already failed, every other issue will be much smaller.)
I’ve been a Christina for 13 years, but even I’m not immune to the temptation Job had to question why God is allowing all this. since the year became 2025, it’s like some line of dominoes was pushed over to make one thing after another go wrong, and as soon as I deal with one problme, another one emerges. Like getting the ear infection to go finally, but it getting slightly reinfected because of allergies and also the hole in my ear not healing the way we hoped.
All of these things might seem small enough, if each of them was the only problem, but all together, when the costs amount to over $8,000, and my family’s total income is less than 100,000 even if you combined all 3 or 4 of us who make income…
Well, we’ve scraped by, but we’ve gone through a lot of emergency savings to do it. I mean, I guess they are for emergencies, but still.
For me, the funny thing is, even a single one of the crisis I’ve dealt with this year would have, 3 years ago, laid me out for weeks. Being anxious and depressed and afraid of the future.
I’ve felt as if I just don’t have the time to dwell on it. I still had to go to work. Now that I’m on vacation (sort of) for the Summer, I worried I would fall into that anxious habit again.
I’ve set myself daily talks to make sure I have something to focus on, which helps.
However, I also find that pull to fall into anxiety is less than it used to be.
Maybe I got tougher, because of all the stuff I had to go through to get it his point. Not sure.
Another thing is maybe, I learned to redirect my enegery.
I think we often try to stop being anxious in the passive way, we try to block it out the anxious thoughts, using mediation, or self affirmation…
But taking action is often the best way to fight any bad mood, especially fear.
I think that’s why reading “The Happiness Project” helped me so much two years ago. Up till then I was kind of just trying to escape anxiety the same way I always had, and it sometimes would work. Prayer, worship, and distraction are all valid ways to treat anxiety, and I can say without God, I would have never got this far.
Yet, I think God himself points us to needing to do more to fight off fear than to just wait for it to go away.
Once I started taking some small actions in regard to my happiness and control over my life, I was shocked by how different I felt.
It’s not even always about me feeling happy so much as feeling less helpless. Which for me, is the biggest source of unhappiness in my life.
I’m the kind of woman who had to feel like I can do something about my situation, in order to feel at peace about it. At least, without divine help to not need that, which, to be real, doesn’t always come, because I think God does want us to take action ourselves.
Nothing stresses me out like having no solution.
Which, come to think of it, might explain why my parents were never much help to me dealing with my fears when I grew up.
My mom’s go-to phrase when I had a problem and told her was: “I don’t know what to tell you.”
Or “I don’t know how to help.”
My dad’s go-to was to tell me how much worse he used to have it, or that he had the same problem….with no potential solution. Unless it was to just make fun of it.
Which is how he deals with every problem.
I am glad both my parents do also take practical steps to solve some issues, so though they never told me how to do this, I was able to glean some things from their examples.
However, I didn’t realize how much their attitude had affected me till the last few years. Until I started trying to take action, I never noticed how little I ever did before.
I believe I could have solved my anxiety issues as a child, even, if I ‘d know it then, and had the relationship with God I do now. You need both, but I think I would have suffered less even if it was just with the practical steps.
I can’t go into every single thing I learned, but here’s the biggest one, and this an did start with a revelation from God, appropriately enough.
Everyday life is the place I will find the most happiness.
I was lamenting my lack of accomplishment of my goals to God a couple years back, I remember this clearly because, though it was in my head, I knew the thought was not mine, it was too far from anything I’d been thinking at that time to be my own idea.
God, finally getting tired of listening to this, I imagine (I had complained to Him many times already) finally shot back with “You have a beautiful life.”
I say shot back, but it was actually a very gently made a point.
(God does not talk to me in a harsh voice, ever. I know there are people He can be firm with, but I think I never perceive it that way because I want tho so much as a kid with harsh parents, and God knows it would only push me back into that cycle to be spoken to that way.
Perhaps this sounds crazy to you if you’re not a Christian, but I’ve heard many others say that God speaks to them the way they can handle, s it’s not just me.)
And if you think that means that we’re just making it up…well, I know I can’t persuade you otherwise, but it seems odd to me that if I made it up, it would be such a new, unlike me thing to think. Make of that way you will.)
Anyway, after that sentence, a bunch of memories of the things I have that other people don’t have came into my mind.
I remember that I felt something shift after that moment. I didn’t usually get over all of my issues–and I have now, but when I get down about my life I think of that statement and I reflect on my blessings, I guess you could say. I don’t like to call it that because I think the cheesy cliche makes me people turn off their brains, but I suppose it’s what I’m doing.
One thing I sometimes think about is that for all the things I had to complain about, I’m never starving, or homeless, or lacking even in electricity, and clean water or clothing. The fact that I even have enough money to chastise myself for spending more than I should, means I’m blessed.
My car has been a problem, but I’ve had one when I needed it, even if it breaks a lot,and that has let me at least still work and do my church activities.
I have books and more movies tan I can read. I have enough free time to choose how I will spend it.
I have a cat.
I have family who loves me, even if they aren’t always the most helpful to me about things, and I have friends now.
Sure, there are things I had that gave me disadvantages. I had a father who didn’t financially plan very well and so we ended up always struggling for money and losing our house. I had a father who also abused me emotionally enough to give me a ton of issues.
All in all, like most people, my life is a mixed bag.
I don’t think God was telling me to think that everything was beautiful in my life when He said that.
But he was pointing out that in the moment I was being so negative, I was ignoring the fact that I had a bed, a house, two loving siblings, plenty of other basic needs, and a few luxuries, and other things in my life were changed for the better. And best of all, I no longer live with apron trying to tear me down constantly and threaten my safety.
And even though this year has sucked in many ways, I won’t tell you that nothing good has happened in it. The good things have been smaller and quieter, but they have been there.
And while financially, I’m still struggling to figure stuff out, at least I know that my family can help me if I end up falling short, and someone have no one but themselves.
I know people would kill to get what I have, even when I feel down about it.
My personal values are a wish to be independent, but that has not gotten granted to me at any time in my life. Maybe it never will be. It could be that God knows I’m better off knowing I need people.
Or perhaps, one day He will answer that prayer.
I’ve been reminded of the bible verse “He who is faithful with little with be faithful with much” a lot since last year. [Luke 10:16]
Perhaps I’m starting small to learn responsibility.
And I have to admit to you all, I was not very responsible with what I did have before. I didn’t have a savings account with my job before my current one. I spent more than I should. And I didn’t do a lot to take care of my house or contribute to the family.
That has changed a lot. And I feel more ready to have a house of my own because I’ve been taking care of the one I do live in now.
And in that, I do find joy.
Everyday life seems boring or people who always want to move onto the next big thing. I know because, I’m one of those people. I always dreamed big.
I didn’t do a lot to get ready for those dreams though. I always thought I didn’t have enough money and I didn’t have the money to go out and try things. My parents kind of kept me from being able to do that.
Even when I wanted to do outside things, like sports, or drama,or writing workshops, they with the financial support because either we couldn’t afford it, or, it was too much of a hassle, or I didn’t do enough to earn the support.
I think they really could have found a way to support me, if they’d looked into it, but…
Well, blaming them is probably no good.
However, that helped me feel like I could never pursue anything I wanted to do without enough money.
There are ways that’s true, but it’s also true that people have made so many free resources now, more than has ever be available to anyone throughout history, that we don’t realize the gold mine we’re sitting on top of, in the current century I can learn almost any skill online for free, within reason.
Instead of noticing this, I just felt bad about not having money for so long.
And instead of doing anything to change my household for the better, I just complained about it being arranged in a way I didn’t like.
I also felt useless, because all my skills seemed to be purely academic and I had nothing else to fall back on, so when that didn’t yield the reason I wanted, I got depressed.
Now I know that I do have some other skills, even if they ‘re not huge money makers, it’s good to know I could probably have options, if I need them.
My point is, everyday happiness is something we shouldn’t take for granted
Sometimes the old saying are old because they are true and people find them to be true.
People complain about everything now, and always have, but now they can spread it much farther. If I complain to my family, I only bring down the moods of 5 people, but if I post it online, I could bring down the moods of 5 million people, if I had enough of a following.
T’hat not healthy to do to others. Or ourselves.
I feel like these truths are obvious, but as usual, humans are weak to the temptation to do that.
So I can’t give you a formula that will help you fix it if you have that problem, being formulaic doesn’t work.
My best advice is to find something that makes you happier, and try to do that instead of indulging in complaints and negativity, even challenge yourself for one week, or three days, to stay off the thing that brings you down and for someone else. If you don’t see a change immediately, then, try something else, because who wants to stay unhappy?
And we all have problems to focus on, I know that. And unlike me, maybe yours are not something you can ignore (at least for a short period of time).
I think there are still ways to make it better, but I don’t want to be flippant about that situation.
My point is that, for most of us, we have it better than we think. Those of us who really have it bad, we should support and help them to get to a better place. I’m thankful for all the people who helps me, the help wasn’t always perfect, but it was there.
Even my parents, will all our problems, have helped me many times. Even parent who add to your issues can sometimes be part of the solution.
So life is a mixed bag in every sense.
I hope some of this was helpful, I’m trying to make it a bit shorter and more to the point, one of my new resolutions is to try to improve my time management, and blogging shorter and more focused posts would help me with that.
(This post actually will work for non-Christians also, common sense is common sense.)
Hello all, today I’m writing about something because I’ve noticed a growing need for it in the modern Western church–and also, just everywhere.
Anyone notice the distinct lack of common sense advice?
I mean…not just common sense itself in younger people. I think that’s really exaggerated by the older generation to be worse than it is. But…where is the real advice?
Just on my personal experience asking for counsel from older people, I can count the amount of times it was helpful on one hand. The amount of times people give me some over spiritulized bull crap are endless.
And it’s not just me. Now that I’m an adult myself and have been doing ministry with kids and youth for many years, (and I noticed this white I was still young enough to be a student in those ministries too), I’ve noticed that kids are really crying out, literally in some cases, for some real life advice.
My generation (Zillenials and under) is really starved for direction. We’ve been pushed so many different ways, and the older generation has abandoned us by and large.
My father literally abandoned me, emotionally speaking, as a pre-teen.
And I don’t mean I just felt sad, I mean he literally told me he didn’t want to parent me anymore…multiple times.
Didn’t stop him from lecturing me about stuff at didn’t matter that much, but there you go.
But my personal issues aside, I feel like the older generation as a whole has just taken the same approach with everyone my age. Not just in America either, I think it’s all over the first world now.
And us being alone has led to us raise our own kids in a very overly permissive way. Some of these millennial parent videos are truly terrifying.
However…I mean…can you blame them for being lost? Most people’s current idea of childcare comes from these college psych classes. And not only is psych constantly being changed by the “experts”, it’s also a lot of bull crap for the most part when it comes to child rearing, based on what I’ve seen taught versus what I know actually works in real life.
There’s some good advice out there, but nothing beats practical experience or hearing it right from the people who raised you. And that’s what we’re missing now.
But in fairness to tho older generations, we did stop listening to them, also. There’s blame on both sides.
But assigning blame is not really my focus today, I’m just pointing out the problem.
Because of the generational divide, I’ve seen many well meaning people in their 40s and up try to give advice to us “kids” and it not go very well.
I mean, it’s not that kids are offended by it, it just doesn’t address their real issue.
Case in point, a couple days ago I was at a youth group where I volunteer interpret for one deaf student sometimes, and a different student asked a question about knowing who is and is not authentic in life and relationships.
I could tell the kid meant that he wanted to know how to spot this even outside of church activities, because honestly, people put on their best behavior at church.
The leader giving the message, who was in his 50s or 60s, answered something about how to tell at church, I can’t even really remember it now because it didn’t really make a lot of sense.
The kid was nodding but I could tell he didn’t really get the answer he wanted.
So I raised my hand and said “I agree with (insert leader’s name) but maybe you were wondering more about practical ways outside of church?”
And the kid nodded gratefully.
To which I gave him my two best tips for knowing a person’s real character:
See how they treat their family.
See how they handle conflict.
Both of these methods have never failed me to sort out who is trustworthy. But of course, you need time to get a chance to witness both those things.
Which is why I never assume I can trust someone after meeting them only a few times.
Also growing up with a narcissistic/BPD person, I know how much people can turn it on if they have someone to impress.
Anyway, I think the kid appreciated it.
I also talk to my Sunday School class of 4th-5th graders in a very similar way. I tell them often that even though their kids they deal with real life stuff the same way as adults do and I’m aware of that. So they need me to give them real talk.
Not harshly, of course, you still have to be sensitive to the fact that they are kids, but kids know the difference between real and harsh. They’re very good at that.
So, it’s good to be aware of this before anyone tries to take my advice and use it as a reason to “lecture” kids about the harsh realities of life.
Beleive me, any child who’s been exposed to the internet already knows life is hard. That is not what I’m suggesting we tell them.
What they want now is answers. What do we do about it?
Too much content for young people now is just telling them it’s a hopeless mess.
Like that’s really what we need to hear.
I can’t even watch wholesome content now without finding comments under it debunking it, because bitter people love to spread it around. “Misery loves company” is the old saying.
So, what do we do?
Those of us who have at least somewhat started to navigate our lives successful need to spot the BS to other people about it.
Frankly, Jan, I’m not really interested in you telling me “It’s all because of God’s goodness.”
Look, I do absolutely believe in God’s goodness. I know that God answers prayers…but if I’m asking you for advice on how to get what you got in life, I don’t want to hear that it’s all God’s goodness.
Because, that doesn’t help. God is good to everyone…but He does expect us to do work for ourselves. That’s in the Bible, FYI. Check out Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and James. And most of the rest of the New Testament.
Here’s a fun little story to illustrate:
Jesus once was asked by the religious leaders why his disciples picked food from the wheat fields on the sabbath, because they were hungry.
He defended their right to do this, and called out the leaders for their self righteous attitude.
But interesting to note that Jesus also was able to feed 5,000 people with a few loaves of bread. So, couldn’t he have just made food for them?
But often the Gospels mention the Disciples arguing over food or needing to get food from other people. So…
Jesus probably also worked as a carpenter at least for a some of his adult life before he started ministry, since it was what was done.
The point of this story is that Jesus supported practical solutions, and working for things, not just expecting everything to get handed to you.
And that was the son of God.
So, we can assume that this goes even more for all of us.
It’s funny how people born in the Church and out of it, often act like God should do even for us.
Uh, hello, who made the world? Who made the things in it that we use to survive? Who gave us life?
God did give us everything, but He would like us to be able to use it ourselves.
How many parents would like to buy clothes for their kid and still have to dress them when they’re 10 years old? Some would, but most of us would agree at a certain point, you expect someone to use what you give them without your help.
Granted, God still has to direct our lives even so, but we need to at latest try to take steps.
I’m currently looking for a new job (not because I was laid off but because I feel like it’s time for a chance), and I may not find one as soon as I want, or explain what I want, but, I believe in at least trying to learn what’s out there and prepare for it.
I think God will decide why I actually end up doing, but I’ve tried sitting and doing nothing before…didn’t work. God only rewarded me when I started trying to improve my skills.
See whining about it didn’t get me anything with God, and I think He even told me as much at times when I would pray. Or maybe, I just knew deep down already.
And if I’ve learned one thing in the last 2 years, it’s that wisdom is often practical, more than spiritual.
I actually believe there’s really no difference. I think the fact that we make spiritual things sound weird and watery is just proof we really don’t understand them. The Bible portrayed them as quite real and subject to rules and oddities as much as material things tend to be. More so even.
I can’t cover every situation here in one post, but I think I can give a few more examples of areas we need real advice in. And if anyone wants to comment further on it, I’d love to read it.
So I mentioned relations already.
Another question young people often have is:
“When should I start dating?”
And I’m probably not the best person to answer this because I’ve barely been on internet dates which didn’t go so well.
I mean, you should start by finding someone who wants to date you.
If you already have that, you’re ahead of me.
But I have seen myself grow in maturity over the years and I do have a better idea than I did what makes someone ready to date. And I wasn’t ready before.
I think I’m ready currently, but maybe the man isn’t…stuff like that can happen.
Anyway, pro tip for this, young people (and older people really) is to check your motives and check how you handle responsibility.
There is no one size fits all to dating, or love. People get together at all levels of maturity.
Which is probably the best advice anyone could give you. Don’t assume what works for everyone else will work for you.
However, you should seek out people’s stories that are similar to yours, because that is more likely to help you.
For me, I find the stories of people who waited a long time to date often hold more wisdom that applies to my life. Such as the best use of your time as a single person, trying to find fulfillment in friendship and in God, and not making your whole identity about being single.
Which is good advice even for people already dating too.
Also, not settling for someone mediocre.
However, high standards should be worthile.
Me, as a woman, I don’t create really about height. I really don’t get why so many girls obsess over it. I doubt as many really do as media implies.
I also think money is sort of a mid-range thing to care about. It does matter, and a man should be willing to work hard, but if you want a guy who’s not obsessed with money and who will pay attention to you, you have to figure he may not be as well off and you may not be able to afford as many things.
This is the kind of thing that I think helps the most with deciding who you’d be good with. Ask yourself what you really want in life, and if it would really make you happy. Often it’s not what we think.
Also watch out for wanting traits in someone that would only make your life easier, not necessarily better.
This actually goes more for men, I think. I’ve seen so many guys who really have no clue what they want in a woman other than someone who’d be nice to them.
And gentlemen…nice is not always the best thing.
But neither is putting up with a woman who bullies you just be she’s hot or because you figure you can’t get better (same for girls, but I feel like we’re less likely to do this nowadays.)
Honestly, being bullied is just another way of taking the easy way out. Easier to let a woman (or man) push you around than to stand up for yourself and grow as a person enough to maybe make her angry.
Strong minded women actually hate this in a man, and in other women, but will exploit it, human nature is like that.
I think a woman should be respectful to a man…not because I have some weird idea of submission in the sense of not having any personal rights as a woman, but because I think everyone should be respected. Why is that so hard to get across nowadays?
One thing I make sure not to do is talk down about men to them, or behind their backs, unless it’s to my family who I know wont repeat it. Sure, we need to blow off steam sometimes, but even then I’m not tearing the guys apart, just willing to discuss things that I find awkward or uncomfortable, or that I like about them.
But just bashing on men is not something I do, and I don’t do it with women either. I feel like if I wouldn’t want them to do it to me, I shouldn’t do it to them.
Honestly, even if I know someone talked about me behind my back, I don’t do the same to them, because who knows if I will end up being the one held accountable for it and they won’t. Sure, that’s not fair, but why would I take the chance?
This is another good practical tip, by the way, boys and girls. Don’t trash talk anyone you know to anyone else they know if you don’t want it to get back to them. It almost always will.
I do utilize finding out which people gossip about me as a way to know never to tell them anything about me, or rely on them, but, not to get revenge. That’s just smart, I think.
Don’t leave yourself wide open for people to punch, but don’t start a fight either.
All right, I think I have time for a few more common situations where people want practical advice, and then I’ll have to continue this in a different post.
Another example from real life is a young man asked me and my sister about how to handle his relationship with God changing after getting married and working more.
He was a newer christian and he said he didn’t feel it as much as he used to.
Apparently, no one told him this was normal.
The first passion for anything dies, eventually.
It’s like when I start a new book. I always enjoy the being a lot, and then about the middle I get burnout…but I usually finish strong. That’s how life is, the middle part tends to be the most boring. (I mean, of anything you do, not of your life itself.)
My sister and I told him practical things to do about it.
For one thing, being married is a lot like for us with sharing space with so many people. Even if you love them, you’ll get tired of each other.
So it’s important to give each other space to be alone.
And me, honestly, as the one who wants to spend the most time together out of my whole family of introverted people, kind of gets why it can be hard on the more energetic person to give space.
My sisters learned to accommodate my wishes to spend time together by having set times we could devote to stuff I like doing, and I learned to accommodate them by giving them warning in advance of when I want to do that stuff so they can mentally prepare. It doesn’t always work like a charm, but it works for us.
So this is the kind of thing we told this guy. That and that as long as he’s still serving God and spending time in the word, and praying, he should not worry if it’s not as easy as it used to be.
And if you are a new Christian reading this by any chance, it will happen to you too. But don’t worry. All of us go through it, and it passes. Usually, you get close to God at the end of it, if you just stick it out.
When I was a new Christian, it helped me to see the dullness and blandness as just part of the fight to stay close to God. That was my present cross to bear.
And as a Christian of over 10 years now, I think I even prefer it this way. Emotional highs exhaust me, I’m not a naturally emotional person. I have feelings, but they tend to be trigger by certain things only. I don’t just go from emotion to emotion all day like some people I know.
But hey, my father is highly emotional and I wouldn’t want to be him, it seems miserable to me.
Some people can be highly emotional and still be happy, but I think it makes it harder to exert self control, so maybe I’m happier the way I am now. To each their own. It’s fine to be either way, but don’t assume that because you’re less emotional, you’re less passionate about your faith.
Or that you don’t love people in your life. Love is action and prioritizing someone, even if you don’t feel like it.
I’m remind of Leonard and Penny from the Big Bang Theory. I think they’re toxic most of the time, but one thing you can say is that they don’t stay in the infatuation phase, but they keep working on their relationship after that point. Even to where they ask Sheldon to make them a relationship hip agreement so they can improve.
While I find the show stupid in many ways, I do think the writers were onto something with that idea. Love is about deciding what you give and take in a relationship, and doing it without being demanding or whiny or domineering. And if it is one-sided, you decide if you’re in it for the long haul.
I can’t go into every aspect of relationships here, just touching on a few things I’ve heard asked about a lot. We’d be here for years if I tried to tackle everything, which I’m not qualified to do anyway.
Let’s see…what else could I cover?
Oh yeah, here’s a good one.
How do you know your purpose?
My life group actually talked about this in the last week, but I didn’t feel like it really answered the question well.
We were focusing on talents.
Let me tell you all the hard truth.
Your talents do not always guide you to your purpose.
Now, many times, they do. But not always in a way you recognize as such.
I ended up doing work I didn’t expect to be good at because I assumed my talents were elsewhere, and I found out I have more talents than I expected, but honestly, my success is me just knowing how to use my talents to make anything I do work for me.
There will be some jobs I won’t be able to do, even using that method, but it does open up a lot of possibilities for me, because I don’t limit myself just on my obvious talents.
Like I’m good at drama and writing, and public speaking. I’m also good at remembering stuff.
I was not good at organizing things as a kid or teen.
But I’ve gotten better it because I used my skills at learning to pick it up bit by bit, and I used my talents as a people person to get other people on board.
See, talents point you to certain careers that seem obvious, but often you don’t realize that they can work in other areas of life, just in a different way.
You’ll see that with ministry too. Often people are good at a variety of things and don’t think they’ll fit a ministry, but then it works for them because they do it their way.
So when it comes to finding your purpose, I’d say, don’t do what many people do and wait for it to hit you one day.
There is no one foolproof way to find fyour purpose. All I know is that God gives it to us, in His own time.
“In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)
For some of us, God gives us what we want. If we commit it to him, or, even if we don’t. He’s not a cruel God.
For others, God keeps us very closely dependent on Him, and we have many twists and turns.
I think that for each of us, it comes down to both on our wisdom to let God lead, and what God thinks will suit each of us.
[Let Mercy Lead– Rich Mullins]
Even if you don’t acknowledge God, you probably can agree that the same path doesn’t work for all people.
That said, there are some things you can do to get ready for your purpose:
If you do have talent, develop it. Either privately or professionally. It can’t hurt to get good at it. Usually there is some use for it even if your career ends up elsewhere.
Don’t be afraid to try different things even if you don’t think they’re your destiny. The skills you learn in one place often can help you in another place.
Like how babysitting helped me prepare for dealing with customers, because no one can be as rude to you as a spoiled child can.
Even if you do what I did, and pick bad jobs at first because you don’t know better, it will teach you what to avoid in the future.
I recommend you try to start working as soon as you can. Even if it’s volunteer (you can use that on your resume, if you don’t say it was volunteer.)
And, learn how to interview. A lot of Youtube channel and websites now post ways to sound better in an interview and how to answer tough questions. I’m sure the corporate world will update their method soon because too many people are going to take advantage of it, but the skill of learning to asses a situation and talk the right way should still helping you even if the game changes, because the point is you are learning to adapt.
Also I find that learning how to talk professionally helped me in other areas of my life, not just work. It gave me more self respect.
Another thing: do things around the house and volunteer.
The best cure for feeling like you have no purpose is give into someone else’s life. Donate clothes, clean up something, serve at a soup kitchen, get involved in your church outreach.
This also cures depression in many cases. I felt much less depressed when I became more active in other people’s lives. I now am not depressed at all.
If you have high anxiety, I encourage you to just do the stuff anyway. Anxiety only gets better when you face your fears and it starts feeling less new to you.
Also, while anti-anxiety techniques did help me somewhat, finding other tasks to focus on did way more to cure my negative thoughts than breathing exercises and grounding did. They can help but I think they’re better when used with other distractions.
I also say avoid medication unless it’s completely necessary and you’ve tried other methods first. I was pressured to take meds for my issues but I ended up not needing them, and if I’d taken them, it would have caused other problems that would have been worse probably than my anxiety and depression were.
Also, and this is important, do not use marijuana.
I swear, everyone I know who vapes or smokes is a mess emotionally and has a disorganized life, because honestly, it weakens your brain.
Most of the people I know who are getting off those substances are doing better since they did and feeling more in control of their lives.
It’s a quick fix that doesn’t really fix anything.
You may think this has nothing to do with finding your purpose, but it does.
Stuff that steals your joy, or even your anger, or sadness, often steals your ability to be satisfied by what you do also. Striving to feel nothing, or to feel mellow all the time, cuts off growing success.
We shouldn’t be struggling just to stay average, we should be thriving. That’s why I’m against quick fix methods. They seem easier but they really steal your whole ability to get past the problem at all.
Another method for finding your purpose is being willing to take an interest in other people. Learn about many different things. Talk to people about what they do. Who knows, you might find something you like.
But all in all, I think it’s good advice to not worry about it so much. I think we find our purpose when we stop focusing on it and ourselves and start focusing on making the lives of the people around us better.
All right, I think that’s all I got for now.
It was fun tackling some big questions but there are lots more I could cover.
If you want to leave ideas down below, I’d love to hear what other people are worrying and wondering about besides me and my own social circle.
I kind of feel like this is all survival skills for life that I’m picking up as I go. Though maybe once upon a time, most people knew this. The digital age made us lose ourselves so much. Le sigh.
I was looking at a short video on YouTube last night which made me kind of sad.
In it, one of those r/reddit threads was asking people about something they’ve never forgotten being said to them, and the person told a story about how their husband said their singing was annoying.
This woman loved to sing, and after her husband said that, she said she no longer felt the same about it. It was her way of expressing joy.
Though he later apologized, she still felt bad.
The comment section was full of people sharing similar stories of how others crapped on their innocent fun and talents in the same way.
I have that story too, only it didn’t happen to me just once. My dad made fun of my singing for years, though it didn’t stop me from doing it (though it did stop me from doing it around him a lot.)
Once I even sang for his birthday party since my sisters weren’t willing to do it, though he wasn’t very happy with me doing it instead, and after he said I sang off key. No “thank you”, nothing.
My father was less than encouraging about my writing (doesn’t read this blog either, not for years,) and even encouraged my sisters to make fun of it. Thankfully, they stopped doing that and are now my biggest fans (and sometimes the only fans I have.)
I was hurt plenty of times by my dad’s comments, and my mom didn’t exactly say he was wrong.
Though I had a singing instructor who said I had a good voice, I didn’t really think so.
Now I can’t even tell. I like singing still, I like listening to myself if I’m not on recording, but on recording, I can’t tell if it’s good or not.
I often wish I could sing like my sister, who has a very good voice and musical talent.
But the funny thing is, she was encouraged in that by my father and other people, and me and my other sister even, while we were less encouraged.
And I’ve noticed that singing is harder when you feel less confident about it. Actually that was in some of the other stories in the thread too.
Pretty much everything is hard to do well when you feel insecure.
But singing made me happy.
Honestly, while I would like it if other people enjoyed listening to me, I would sing anyway, even if only while I was alone.
It was sad to me to read that so many people just gave up what they loved doing, just because of one mean comment.
It’s like we thing one other person is really the judge of our talents.
Newflash: Other people can be wrong, and often are wrong.
I mean name one famous singer who is liked by every single person. None of them are.
No famous artist appeals to every single person out there. Some philosophers used to think that’s what made art, art. The fact that it can’t always appeal to the masses.
What we find annoying also changes based on how tired we are, how stressed we are, and as us ladies know, our hormone levels.
I can be fine with something one day and another day and I want to scream if I hear it or see it.
I can even find singing and talking annoying sometimes, from other people.
But I do not do what my father used to do and bark “Quiet!” at them, just for existing. (He said that when we sneezed or coughed too, as if we could help that).
I do have moments when I say sharp things without a good reason, I won’t deny it. I think we all do. But thankfully, my family knows that I’m doing that in a moment of irritation and not because I find what they do annoying at all times. And they know that because I praise them for what they do also.
It’s fine to maybe not want to hear or do something at one particular moment, and if it won’t hurt the other person’s feelings, you can say “can we please be quiet for a bit?”
In a secure relationship, someone else can understand that you just need a break, and it’s not them, it’s just that you’re tired.
But if you say things thoughtlessly lie ” you’re annoying” Then it becomes about having a problem with them.
I’m sure my dad was told he was annoying all the time growing up, he’s said as mcuh (and he was, from all I hear). No doubt to him, it’s normal to snap at people like that.
But I don’t want to be that way.
I also think we need to grow a thicker skin. All of us are going to annoy people sometimes. And it’s good to be considerate of them.
The funny thing is my father was not the least bit considerate of me. When he played his music, he’d crank it up so loud it would make my head hurt. Even if I told him I already had a headache, he would just say “Too bad!”
Yeah, this is the same person who got mad at us for involuntarily sneezing.
You see my point? Some people are just nsaty.
You can’t let them kill your joy.
The fact is, what you’re doing may only be annoying to them because they are too easily annoyed. We all need to learn paitence.
It’s not like every feeling is valid (whatever they say now). I know that it’s irrational to find kids laughing annoying, especially if they’re outside, and not bothering me, but some people still find it annoying. But if I do, that’s a me problem. they’re not doing anything wrong. (I don’t actually find it annoying btw, it’s just an example.)
The feeling of annoyance is something that’s hard to control and inconsistent; and that’s why we shouldn’t let it master our words and actions. It’s not even worth it to complain half the time, I think.
In my mind, the only valid time to ask someone not to do something because it annoys you is if you’re feeling sick or you’re trying to focus or rest, and then it is inconsiderate of them.
Otherwise, they’re just living their lives, and you should let them.
And I apply that to my own actions too. I try not to get mad at people over dumb little things they don’t need to worry about.
Often, I just change my environment. Like, if I don’t want to listen to someone or something in the background, I put in my earbuds. We have so much technology now that can help us not be annoyed and then make us be nicer to people, but we still don’t always use it.
I chose not to listen to my dad, and to keep singing and keep writing.
And look at me now.
I’m not extremely successful as a writer maybe, but, I’m growing, I’m reaching an audience. I’m honing my skills.
And I may not be a famous singer, but I put it to use when I teach and my love of music works for me in other ways, like when I practice sign language.
I also recently had a karaokee themed birthday party, and while I didn’t sing the best (had a clogged throat from allergies), my friends said that it was still very fun.
And that’s the real point.
Not everyone is really good at something, but that’s no reason not to do it, if you like it.
I am not good at chess. I still played someone last week who I knew would beat me, because it’s fun, and I like to challenge myself (I like wining more, but, it’s good to play a game you know you’ll lose every so often, just to not get too arrogant.)
I’m not great at dancing, but I still dance.
Who cares?
If someone really needs to control your actions to that point, maybe they have the probelm.
That’s why I’m telling you all, if you dropped something that you used to love because of a mean comment, don’t.
Get back into it.
Don’t let people shame you out of doing what you really like.
I’m not saying to make a career out of it, though maybe you could. But some things we need to do just for the love of them, because money has a way of making even fun things feel like work.
That may be why God in His wisdom gives us all a penchant to enjoy doing things we aren’t good at, so that we won’t monetize everything we do.
If I ever make money from writing, I know it might take some of the fun out. And you know, I’m disciplined enough now to maybe be able to handle it, but, I’m glad I had so many years of doing it for only myself for only a few people. I got to really enjoy what I do.
Same thing with childcare really. I didn’t have to do it for a long time, but I voluntarily did it, and even though I do it for a living now (in a way), I’m still glad I didn’t for a long time.
So whatever people said to you, remember they don’t have the right to judge your entire life, or your interests.
Personally, I don’t do that to others. Even if I think they suck at what they do, it’s their life and it’s their right to do it. I don’t have to particopate in it if I think it’s bad, right?
(I’m talking just about quality, not morality, obviously, that’s a different conversation than this post is having).
Anyway, I hope this encourages someone. I felt like more people needed to hear this. Just do what you love.
Even if you’re doing it alone, or not paid, or people say you’re not good at it, do it anyway. Skill isn’t everything in life.
If I asked you what the answer to all your problems was, what would you say?
Probably you wouldn’t be able to answer. But if I pressed, you might admit that a lot of those problems could be solved with either more money, more time, more friends, or more will power on your part.
Today, I want to focus on the last one.
Will power.
Philosophical question: Is will power the real key to success?
Maybe that’s not even a philosophical question, maybe it’s more of a practical one. In real life, isn’t it all about grit? Courage? Persistence?
I’ve always been told that, from books and inspirational speakers, at least.
Everything is our choice.
You’ve probably heard or seen this on a plague or mug somewhere:
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” — Henry Ford.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” –Wayne Gretzky.
Or something like that.
One thing I hear a lot these days is to “be your own hero.” Or “I am my own hero.”
It’s even in the song “Roar” by Katy Pery.
I’ve always found that weird. I remember reading in a book (not sure what book now) that an author was commenting on how when he used to ask teens who their hero was, they’d say either a real person, or one in fiction, and that they wanted to be like them.
Now they don’t really have anyone they look up to.
I think that varies depending on the demographic and age group you’re talking to, but isn’t it concerning that high schoolers by and large no longer seem to look up to that many people.
Then again, many people may say that it’s better that way. That you should never meet your heroes. That people will always let you down.
I’ve wondered what it would be like to meet my own personal heroes. The kind of people I look up to are usually reported to have been very kind to their fans, and I’d like to think ah’t even if they didn’t immediately like me, they’d still have been the same people I thought they were. Flawed, but, not bad.
But then my heroes are always the ones who admit they are flawed and share their mistakes, so it’s hard to be as delusional about them.
I’m not one for hero worship anyway. I’ve disagreed with my favorite Author, C. S. Lewis, openly to other people, even though I think he was brilliant, because there are some topics he just didn’t understand. But he’d be the first to agree with me on that, it doesn’t take away from my admiration of him, just reminds me to think for myself.
I wonder if we just don’t teach this skill to our kids now. That you have to learn how to respect someone’s good points, and not imitate their bad ones. That you eat the meat, and spit out the bones. No one will ever match your ideal lifestyle, probably because for you, that lifestyle has to be personalized, so no one ever could match it. You have to take what you can from people and turn it into what works for you.
But I feel like we’ve got this weird cycle, in the West at least, where teens and young people idolize someone, or something, until it ends up doing one thing they don’t like, and then they turn on it. Even if that thing is not ever proven, or not even clearly incorrect.
I’ll give an example, and since I’m Christina, I guess it’s only fair to use a Christian one, since we do this too.
I’ll use the example of Switchfoot.
Switchfoot is a very popular Christian indi-rock band, and my personal favorite in that genre, so I was once watching a video about it on YT, and the lead singer (Jon Foreman) addressed one of their fans who was in the LGBTQ+ group, and told them they were welcome to come to a concert, as the fan had posted a video voicing doubt that they’d be welcomed there.
The video got so much backlash, it was astounding to me. I watched the clip from Jon Foreman and nothing he said was unbiblical, he was just trying to put this girl’s mind at ease and be kind and welcoming.
Sure if you twist his words, you could say he was endorsing her lifestyle, but he didn’t actually say that you’d have to read that into his acceptance. (I’m not even going to talk about where I personally stand on it, right now, as it’s irrelevant.)
My point was that so many Switchfoot fans were furious, and flat out mocking this guy and tearing the band to shreds for this short video.
I was surprised at how venomous their comments were. I would think they’d have given them the benefit of the doubt, as Switchfoot has always been a very pure band in their presenting of God and our beliefs, in my opinion at least. Which is why I would have found it hard to believe they were actually being unbiblical so openly.
But it’s not just Christians, it’s not even primarily Christians. This turnabout happens all the time with celebrities, politicians, entertainment, products, you name it.
Perhaps that’s part of the movement for being your own hero. If there is no other hero to be had, then you have to be your own.
I do love a good inspirational story about a self-motivated person achieving their goals. And honestly, I am a very self motivated person myself. I rarely wait for anyone else to tell me what I’m good at, what I should do, or who I should try to be. I’m the one who tells other people my opinion, at times, unnecessarily.
But that’s how I am, I want people to reach their potential, and to reach my own. Nothing is usually ever good enough for me to want it to stay the same forever.
So of all people, the ‘be your own hero’ mantra should appeal to me. And, it does, usually.
But I have come to question it in the last several years.
At first it sounded great, but, I realized what we all realize eventually, that it doesn’t work.
I went through my self help phase as a teenager, which is a lot sooner than most people do, but, I was ambitious. I started reading the books, watching the messages, planning out what I wanted to accomplish and change in my life.
And…I did have some success, but other things, I didn’t.
And all these books over simply it too. People who lead exceptional lives seem to assume it’s simple for everyone to do what they did.
I read the book “Do Hard Things” when I was 13, and I later read the follow up book to it “Start Here” (both by Alex and Brett Harris.)
Then, inspired by a story in the second book, I tried to start my own fundraiser to send money to a charity I liked.
I thought people would do what they described, they would want to help me and that would make it happen. I had ideas…but, I never had a lot of support form others, and on my own, I didn’t have the means to raise the money. We raised some, but, not as much as I wanted.
One lady did try to caution me to be more realistic, and I dismissed her at the time, saying that I had enough faith for the big amount.
But, perhaps the Lord humbled me for that reason.
It wasn’t pure arrogance on my part, really, though. It was that I thought that’s how it worked. That God blessed everyone’s efforts if they were for the right reasons. I didn’t want glory for myself, I wanted to do something meaningful, something that would make a big difference.
Maybe I did want to accomplish something, in a way, to make myself feel important. But looking back, that’s more of something I think now that I’ve had time to examine myself, not what I thought at the time.
But it doesn’t matter if my motives we’re all selfish, or only partially selfish, or not selfish at all; whatever the case, I mistakenly assumed that a first try was going to succeed just because it was for a good cause and because the books made it sound that way.
The books didn’t share a lot of stories of failure. Probably because they didn’t think they’d be as inspiring. But the thing is, teens need to be told they will fail sometimes, even many times, before they succeed, because everyone’s path is different. And the odds are you’ll fail more often than you’ll succeed at anything that involves other people, because no one is likely to care as much as you about it. And even if you find that golden group of people who do, there is luck, or fate, or whatever you call it that has to line up, it can take years for that to happen.
For some people it does happen fast, but, that’s rare. And usually it’s not even the most talented people that it’s true of. It can be passing fad that they happens to hit at the right moment, it can be being in the right place at the right time, or it can be they do the wrong thing by accident, but it somehow works.
For me, it was very discouraging to realize no one else cared as much as I did, but now that I’m older and more experienced, I know that is not uncommon.
But I had the expectation that it would be simple for me. And maybe, for someone else, it would have worked, but the books didn’t cover what to do if you’re not that special person.
So I learned that you can’t do everything just on your own steam.
Other changes I tried to make I could do them, when it was just me. But not always as much as I wanted.
I’ve tried things like exercising regular for years, off and on, and it took till this last year for me to finally have the mental discipline and to know what works for me, enough to actually pull it off for months on end, so far.
I’m learning about what works for me, and I’m finding my footing. I’m 25. I Wish I knew what when I was 16.
But this is why it’s dangerous to tell kids to be their own hero.
The fact is, and if you are a teen or young adult, I say this with the greatest possible respect, but the fact is: You don’t know a lot yet.
I don’t mean that many of you are not smart, capable, and even independent.
But what I mean is that experience is what shows you what is going to work for you, and you just can’t have that figured out as a teenager. It takes months usually to test any thing enough to know if it’s a good fit, and we only have so many months in a year, and so many years of being old enough and capable enough to test out things. Especially in the West.
So the reality is, even for those of us lucky enough to be able to do what we want, and not what we must, as with most places in the world, it just takes time.
And kids can be really prepared with numbers, and figures and info, but still not be ready for the real world. But no one ever is ready. You just go for it, and you get ready as you do.
That’s the truth.
And I’m still in that phase, honestly, but at least, now I know I am. I didn’t before.
There’s another thing to consider:
The culture we live in is obsessed with personal success.
But, let’s look at some dark truths.
Statistically, not all of us will live to be old enough to be successful.
It takes most people till their 30s to be gaining more than they’re putting into anything, let alone a career.
It takes most people years to have kids, if that’s their dream, and to find a romantic partner. I’m still waiting for my first boyfriend in my mid twenties. It’s not that I haven’t looked, but I’v never found the right tone.
The Bible says we shouldn’t set our mind too much on earthly things. People have seen this as some hyper spiritual way of looking at life, that God just doesn’t want us to care about Earthly things that much.
But that’s not what the Bible means by that. In Ecclesiastes it even says you should enjoy what you do, and your marriage, and your life, as best as you can…but knowing that it’s all vanity. It all will pass. And that you may not live as long as you want to. But who’s to say you’d have been better off if you did?
It’s bitter wisdom, but it is still wisdom.
It’s not that God does not want us to try to succeed, He does, but that He is warning us to spare ourselves the heartache of pining all our hopes on one thing that is only temporary even if we get it.
What if we made a million dollars? We’ll spend it.
What if we have kids? They’ll grow up.
What if we get married? Both of us will die eventually, one before the other, probably.
What if we make a great piece of art? Well one day, it will be destroyed or forgotten about.
And this is not bad. It’s just the way time affects us. Nothing can last forever. If it did, new people would never have the chance to be successful also. Some works seem timeless, but even they will be destroyed one day, and new works will replace them.
This is not really bleak, it’s just the way the world has to be to give a constant new chance to the people who live on it.
And that said, whatever we do, while it may be good, is nothing to stake our whole life on.
I’ve seen people like my father who get so depressed they feel suicidal when they can’t do well at their job. A lot of men are like that.
Or who get so down when a relationship ends, because they put all their hopes into that.
I’ve never wanted that to be me.
Yes, I put a lot of myself into what I do and who I’m with, but, I know one day it will end. And while that’s not an excuse to slack off, it does mean I have to be ready to let it go, when it does.
Job, one of the most famous sufferers in the Bible, if not the most famous, said, when he had lost everything through no fault of his own. “The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
See, all success we have is borrowed.
Even if you didn’t believe in God, you have to just look at the world and see that things change all the time. Success will rise and fall for everyone in their life. A billionaire could lose everything and be a pauper, just as easily as someone could become an overnight success. Depends on the person, and the time they live in.
We get so focused on what’s in front of us, we forget that it will not always be in front of us.
Same goes for suffering.
So when it comes to being our own hero, our own answer, for things, we have to realize that it’s never that easy.
There is a lot we can do to help ourselves, but some things always depend on others and their actions.
For me, it’s hard to accept that because people have let me down a lot…yet, without the other people helping me, I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am now. I wouldn’t have learned more about myself and I wouldn’t have learned the skills I do have.
I resent it sometimes when people act like I need help, but, I do.
And I no longer think I can save myself, if I ever did.
And that’s the thing, you can’t save yourself.
That’s a lie they keep putting out there.
Even in that Titanic movie, they say Rose has to save herself.
It’s true that there will be times when it is just us against the world, that you must fight for yourself, and that is part of life.
But that’s more like a crisis moment than a regular thing. Rose didn’t even save herself, Jack saved her, as she even admits later.
And while I’ve had to think fast and act to save myself a few times, most of the time I’m teaming up with other people.
And for me, God has always been the thing that’s saves me the most, even when no one else is around.
If you look up only to yourself, and treat yourself like God, which is really what this self actualization and saving yourself and being your own hero crap is about, when it’s taken to its logical extreme, then when you run out of strength, as everyone does, you’ll collapse.
Why do so many people commit suicide who feel alone? Because you can only talk yourself out of something so many times before you start to feel like it’s just your empty opinion and you’re deluding yourself.
But if someone else is helping you, then it’s easier to believe it.
C. S. Lewis even observed that defending the faith for years might be a way to start having a harder time believing it.
Why is that? Because it was his ideas he was putting against consent opposition, and we start to doubt our own footing after a while. How can we be right? And everyone else be wrong?
But majority rule does not determine who is right. Even finding one or two other people who agree with us can be enough to encourage us to keep believing.
But we can’t all be right. For me, I still compare everything to what my faith teaches, because there has to be some way I can filter what everyone else says and what I think myself.
But if I was just alone with it, if I had no one and nothing to turn to, I couldn’t really believe anything. I’d have no way to test it.
So no, I’m not my own hero, or my own muse. And I think anyone who says they buy that, is kidding themselves.
Even if, at most, you could maintain that for a few years, the bubble bursts sooner or later.
And it should.
And what you find left after that point, that’s what your life really is.
So I guess I’m warning you all reading this not to put too much stock in your own character. Even if you are your best self, your best self will never replace the need for a perfect and flawless model to base our lives on. And we do need that, as humans, because we need to know where we come up short, so we can improve.
There is one recent modern example of this that most people will probably recognize, of the contradiction of saying you should be your imperfect self because that’s better.
In the hit movie “Encanto”, Isabel, the middle child in the Family Madrigal, sings a song called “What else can I do?”
In the song she says “It didn’t need to be perfect, it just needed to be, and they’d let me be!”
The song is about her letting herself go wile with her power.
Now, in of itself, that’s maybe not bad–though she does cause a lot of destruction and injuries by doing it, but the movie waves that off as just the result of her being able to be messy and free finally.
[What Else Can I Do?– Encanto]
But the film (and its reviews) missed the problem with what Isabel is doing.
If it’s truly better to be imperfect…how do we measure that? What are we comparing our imperfection to to say it’s closer to it than our attempt at perfection?
And the answer is usually ‘we don’t know’. There’s just this blind idea of a happier life that we think not trying to be perfect will get us.
[Because we all know it’s the people who try the least who are always the most satisfied with their lives…right? (Not statically).]
I am in favor of breaking the mold, but only because I think the model itself is never perfect, not because the idea of perfection is the issue.
See, when we say we can’t be perfect and we should be, we mean other people’s ideas of perfect, and it’s true, those are never accurate.
But if we ever saw true perfection, we’d see it was beautiful, liberating, and more satisfying than anything else. Because…that’s the definition of perfection. It has no flaws, no drawback.
Something can not be perfectly imperfect, that’s a contradiction.
And because we are not perfect, we always need to grow…but we need to realize we’ll never meet anyone else’s standards of perfection either.
And so we need to allow each other to make mistakes, but never assume that means making mistakes out of a callous disregard for any kind of standard is a god thing.
There has to be a balance to this.
And that’s part of the idea of not trying to be your own hero. If you are your own hero, you have to never mess up. But if you do, who will save you then?
Rather than being liberating, it’s horrifying, the pressure would be endless.
But if you are not your own hero, then you can save yourself, sometimes, but you can also be saved by someone else. Or something else.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. Experiencing things outside ourselves is why we’re on this earth. And to add our own flavor to it also. That’s the paradox of life, giving and receiving in a rhythm and often, doing it at the same time.
So to wrap it up, my thought is, we all should stop saying we’re going ot be the hero of ur own story.
You are a player, but you are not the game. You can be a hero, but you can’t be the only one. You can achieve greatness, but you can’t expect to be the pinnacle of all things.
We should aim high, but learn we’ll never reach heaven, to use the old Babel story metaphor.
And that’s good, because people who live that way are the most happy anyway. Because they know what they can achieve, and what they can’t.
And I hope to live this way myself.
Thanks for reading and please leave a like if this post resonated with you–
Since I last wrote on here, I’ve changed jobs, finished my interpreting course, started volunteer interpreting, and completed a few more fan fic. (Check them out on Wattpad, @worldwalkerdj. If you’re interested in my fiction. Which is probably better than my non fiction in my opinion, but I’m biased towards fiction.)
What to talk about today…
Maybe I should talk about Anxiety, that’s always a popular topic.
With all the changes listed above, I’m sure some people already could imagine how anxiety inducing it could be… and you have no idea.
Anxiety is something I’ve struggled with since I was a kid. Unlike many people, it was not triggered in my teen years, or by poor health and life habits, though, I’m sure that plays a part.
For me, anxiety was just how my life was, after 5 or 6. Before that, I don’t remember having it, I was a pretty bold kid at 3 and 4, the earliest I can remember.
My anxiety surfaced partially because of an overactive imagination, and partly because I think of things my father told me as a young kid. But also, as a Christian, I’ve always assumed it’s spiritual too.
Whatever the case, it was quite crippling from age 11-13, and since then, I’ve been battling it.
The interesting thing is that, no one ever suspects this about me.
I know because people have told me many times that I seem confident, even courageous (more of a church word), and tough.
I have not seen myself this way for very long, I never understood what they saw in me.
While I was bold enough about some things, I know myself and my fears so well, that I assume they are obvious to other people.
But perhaps that’s not the case. Honestly, I’ve found with others, I often can’t see their fear of something until they tell me, because they’ve learned to mask it, and I suppose I’ve learned the same.
Also, like many of us, I was taught to overthink about my actions and behavior and personality, by mean spirited people who told me I was wrong for being the way I am.
(I certainly don’t believe that I’m perfect, or that I don’t need to improve, but the way some people tear you down, you know they’re not really trying to help you, just make you feel bad.)
I was thinking after I logged on here, that I was 16 when I started this blog, and I’m 25 now. I haven’t kept it up consistently.
Anxiety probably had something to do with that also, I started to feel like no one would care what I have to say. After all, I have no degree (yet), and I have no big success story to tell to prove I’m credible.
Personally, I even get annoyed with all these bloggers and YouTube influencers who act like they know what they’re talking about, but they really don’t. How am I any different than them?
Well, I can’t prove to you all I am. But one thing I will never do here is lie about where I’m at, or how successful I am. I figure it won’t do anyone any good for me to be fake, and it won’t help me either.
And if I do know what I’m talking about, it’s because I’ve had to walk all this out, as a regular woman, living in this century, with the same challenges as many others. I might be young still, but I’ve had plenty of difficulty for my age.
I’m not entitled, and I’m not angry at everyone, but I have my frustrations, and issues.
I used to write this blog with the assumption that my ideas were usually right, and that I was explaining them well. Now if I read my old posts, I’ll cringe. But it’s not really my fault, at 16, all of us are unpolished, if I was reading someone else’s writing, I’d be judging it by how good it was consider how little experience they ahd, and I Think I wasn’t too bad, then, for my age.
But I’m too old now to use that as an excuse, even if I wanted to do mediocre work, here or anywhere else.
I’ve learned a few things since then.
One: I write way too long posts.
I wish I could say I was just that self aware, but it’s really because since I started working more, I realized how time consuming it is to read something 4,000 words long. I’ve been blessed with the ability to write thousands of words daily, easily, but, then, I’ve also been blessed with the free time to attempt that, and not everyone is.
Two: I should branch out what I write about.
It’s honestly nice that I could actually share work stories and other stuff now. Though I still like analyzing content and may do that still.
What does this have to do with anxiety?
Well, see, I get worried about all this. I figured I’d never be a popular writer or blogger because I like unpopular topics. But, you know, in a lot of ways, blogging was more to help me grow as a writer than it was because I thought I’d be a popular blog.
I figure, it doesn’t matter anymore. I should just write what I know.
And hey, I know a lot.
I’m the type to always feel like I’m not doing enough with my life (one of the things I’ve been anxious about).
And hey, adding the pressure of blogging again may not even be necessary, but I’m taking a break from classes, so I should have something to do when Im’ not working on creative stories and job stuff, right?
But, the thing is, for someone with a lot of free time, I do keep pretty busy. And I think the pressure I feel is because I was always told I was special and smart growing up, and I always wanted to do something meaningful to impact the world.
Whether it’s being the first writer to really commit to making Christian fan fiction a thing.
Or it’s finding a career that’s meaningful and personally, one on one.
Whatever it is, I wanted to feel like I did something really important with my life.
And all the cliches about small things mattering, they are true, but they aren’t always comforting.
I can’t say I’ve figured out yet how to be satisfied with everything, but, I’m getting better at it. And as I do, my anxiety has decreased.
I could devote a whole separate post to how my social anxiety has changed or grown or shrunk over the years, but that would take a lot longer to delve into.
The point I’m making is, in 9 years, I’ve changed a lot, but in many ways, I have not changed at all. I still want most of the same things I did then, and I still believe the same things I did, I just have a deeper understanding now.
And my fears have changed, they have not gone away, and some of them are the same, and some, I hope, are mostly gone.
It’s also been 5 years since I started recovering from the abusive situation I was in with my father. My father and I have spoken more times, and we’re on fairly good terms considering.
The reason I reopened community with him, was, other than God told me to, also that I knew I would never lose my fear of what happened, if I didn’t face it.
The same reason, maybe, that though I have mild to moderate acrophobia (fear of heights), I somehow always want to climb a mountain, do an obstacle course in the trees (Treerunner, it’s in Michigan, check it out if you ever go that way), or otherwise rock climb in higher spots. Sure, it scares me and I hate it at first…but eventually, I feel stronger because I faced it.
This is old advice, but in a day where we’re told to coddle ourselves and that our fear is an excuse to quit because something is too hard, old advice about it is the best advice.
Let me tell you all, I would never have the job I have now, have finished the stories I did, or done any of the other things, if I listened to my feelings and if I told myself “it’s okay, it’s too hard right now for me.”
It’s just the truth.
You may feel that you’re too afraid to do something now, but, I promise, it does not get easier if you put it off. Honestly, I dreaded those things more the more I put them off.
I also found that once you commit to doing something, you can find ways to make yourself feel better about it.
Like when I first called my dad, I had other people with me for morals support.
When I had to job hunt again, I finally used a website to help me make my resume better, and I watched a YouTuber for advice about how to interview. (Advice with Erin if you want to know.)
Or how I was anxious about making new friends, but I still invited people to hang out with me and join the life group I’m in at my church, and it worked out.
It’s still hard sometimes, and nothing is perfect…and that used to scare me. Sometimes it still does, but I’ve learned that I can press on through the disappointment, and eventually, it gets better again.
If I quit because I didn’t feel ready, I’d never have even tried. And I wouldn’t have succeeded. I don’t win every time, but I win more when I try to then when I do nothing.
All this is, again, old advices, but I’m telling you, it works. Probably why i’ts such old advice.
And no, that doesn’t make it easy to follow. I’ve realized that all this has to be walked out individually.
I had all the advice about conquering fears in my head from a young age, but you have to build up your strength. I figured that out finally. What works for me may not work for everyone as quickly or completely, but it does work.
What does not work, is excuses. And I’ve used plenty, but they never made me feel better. Actually, they lowered my self esteem. You start to feel damaged, and like you’ll never be whole and able to live the way you want.
But that’s the fear talking, and fear, as Dostoevsky said, “is a lie.” (The Brothers Karamazov).
Or as the Crane Wives sang in their song:
“No amount of waiting will make you brave, no amount of fear will keep you safe.”
[Keep you Safe– The Crane Wives.]
It’s all true, but it’s hard to live by.
But that doesn’t make it okay for us not ot try.
Things are hard…all things are hard if they’re important. At least some of the time. But they are not always hard, for all of the time.
Some things that used to be hard for me, are not hard now.
Like saying “I love you.” It was hard, but now it’s mostly easy.
Or talking to boys. That’s been easy for years, but it wasn’t for a long time.
Or driving. I’ve been afraid of it a lot of times, but I’ve always kept getting behind the wheel, and now it’s much easier.
These are small things, but I think big things have also gotten less hard for me. Anyway, what’s a big challenge is relative to everyone.
So yeah, I practice what I preach.
I think that’s about all I got for now. If you’re back, thanks, I know it was a long wait.
drybonestruth 