I’m waiting for my family to get ready so we can open presents, since, you know, that’s how we do.
I thought I’d write a short post about how Christmas has changed for me a bit this year.
We still did all the same things, but I felt like I wanted to do them myself more this year.
The last few years, I’ve kind of lost my enthusiasm for a lot of the things I used to like as a kid. I didn’t want to decorate the tree, listen to the music, or do cookies and lights and all the other stuff.
I’m not sure if it had something to do with my dad moving out, and the subsequent depression and anxiety that followed for a few years, or if it was as I’ve become an adult, I don’t have the same childlike enthusiasm as before, so I didn’t see a point to it all.
This year though, I found myself wanting to do those things again. And I did, I actually helped do a lot more than before. I set up the tree, and my sister and I made cookies since our mom had to work.
My sisters and I have all had to step up more and more often as our schedules get more busy and our mom’s does too. We’ve taken on more and more responsibilities.
That stressed me out more last year, but this year I felt more into it.
But I really think the change is more of tied to my new job somehow. I’ve noticed I’ve become a lot more productive even at home, since starting it.
It’s hard to believe how much of a difference it makes but because at this job I’m treated like an adult (instead of a student like I was at the last job), I’ve grown to see myself with more self respect.
It’s not that I didn’t try to be a good worker at previous jobs, but I felt always lile I was treated as beneath my boss, even when they were nice to me.
This job, even though I’ve made mistakes, sure, everyone does, I’m never belittled or treated poorly. So I’ve gained the ability to be able to offer solutions to problems and enact them myself. And instead of getting in trouble for doing things differently than the others, I’ve been told it’s good that I came up with my own approach.
I now understand why people find good work environments make such a difference. While I coudl survive in a bad one, if I had to, the good one makes you feel more like a person.
And carrying that self respect back home, I also made more contributes to the household budget (small ones but I tried) and did more chores and stuff. Because now I feel more like an adult.
I’m 26, I’ve been an adult for several years, but the mindest just wasn’t fully thre for me. I mean, I’ve not been immature, but I guess it was more of not feeling like other people gave me credit for it. That feels different now.
It shifts, really.
To cap it off, I bought my second car (first one I’ve paid for though) this month, and that was another milestone.
I also wil file taxes for the first time next year. Yay…
But actually, making enough income to even need to worry about filing was something I prayed about. I don’t relish the idea of paying them, but if I’m finally not under the poverty line, then that’s good. (I know you can file even if you are, but I made a few thousand at most the year before this so it was literally pointless to even bother with that. This is the first year I’ve made more.)
I think also, as I’m older now, I’ve realized that I won’t always be able to do all this with my family.
Not that I’m planning to move out, get married, or anything else any time soon. But it will happen eventually.
I know everyone says that, but, I think it is true. Maybe it’s just a phase of life to realize that. Kids are always looking forward to the next thing, which is not bad, they have their whole life ahead of them.
Elderly people tend to look behind them, though some of them don’t, but many live in the past.
I’m not sure there’s any one age where you decide to live in the present, at least not universally, but I think that’s kind of what I’ve been thinking.
And Christmas is the time to think about present, right?
Ha ha…I know, bad joke.
But at the same time, I mean…yeah, the holidays are kind of what let us slow down and see where we are right now.
Maybe that’s why God commanded so many of them in the bible. A lot of people don’t know this, but Celebration is actually considered a spiritual discipline by the Christian church.
Because it is a discipline, isn’t it? It takes work to make celebrations. And it’s something I’ve never been very good at. I was an anxiety ridden teenager and child, and as an adult, I’ve only made steps outside that in the last couple years.
So I understood why it’s actually an act of self will to celebrate.
But if you do, if you build up tha muscle, eventually you’ll come to see why it matters so much.
Feasts, dedications, festivals, they help us remember the good things that happened in the year.
Gretchen Rubin, author of the the “Happiness Project” wrote in her book that “the days are long but the years are short.”
That’s so true.
We experience the present as a long time, day by day, but it drops away from us into the past so quickly. The older I get, the faster it goes.
I’m not really sad about this. I think change is important and it’s often fun, and good. I’m not as afraid of it as a I was as a kid.
But nonetheless, we can miss what’s good in our lives if we never pause to think about it.
Every book and movie about Christmas feels like it’s about that, doesn’t it?
Maybe there’s a reason for that. Maybe it’s something that humans just know, deep down, about holidays.
And remember that in the Bible, the angel told the shepherds “Peace on Earth and good will to men”. Designating the birth of Christ as the time to celebrate and have good will to each other.
So I have good will that all of you will have a good Christmas.
And even if you are dealing with some tough stuff this Christmas, try to find something to celebrate.
(I get to have a dentist appointment tomorrow that I didn’t want, and that’s just the beginning, so no, my life is not perfect right now, but, I’m not letting that steal my joy.)
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight, day, and whatever is in between.
Until next time–Natasha (do you know that name means Christmas? Fitting right.)
I was looking at a short video on YouTube last night which made me kind of sad.
In it, one of those r/reddit threads was asking people about something they’ve never forgotten being said to them, and the person told a story about how their husband said their singing was annoying.
This woman loved to sing, and after her husband said that, she said she no longer felt the same about it. It was her way of expressing joy.
Though he later apologized, she still felt bad.
The comment section was full of people sharing similar stories of how others crapped on their innocent fun and talents in the same way.
I have that story too, only it didn’t happen to me just once. My dad made fun of my singing for years, though it didn’t stop me from doing it (though it did stop me from doing it around him a lot.)
Once I even sang for his birthday party since my sisters weren’t willing to do it, though he wasn’t very happy with me doing it instead, and after he said I sang off key. No “thank you”, nothing.
My father was less than encouraging about my writing (doesn’t read this blog either, not for years,) and even encouraged my sisters to make fun of it. Thankfully, they stopped doing that and are now my biggest fans (and sometimes the only fans I have.)
I was hurt plenty of times by my dad’s comments, and my mom didn’t exactly say he was wrong.
Though I had a singing instructor who said I had a good voice, I didn’t really think so.
Now I can’t even tell. I like singing still, I like listening to myself if I’m not on recording, but on recording, I can’t tell if it’s good or not.
I often wish I could sing like my sister, who has a very good voice and musical talent.
But the funny thing is, she was encouraged in that by my father and other people, and me and my other sister even, while we were less encouraged.
And I’ve noticed that singing is harder when you feel less confident about it. Actually that was in some of the other stories in the thread too.
Pretty much everything is hard to do well when you feel insecure.
But singing made me happy.
Honestly, while I would like it if other people enjoyed listening to me, I would sing anyway, even if only while I was alone.
It was sad to me to read that so many people just gave up what they loved doing, just because of one mean comment.
It’s like we thing one other person is really the judge of our talents.
Newflash: Other people can be wrong, and often are wrong.
I mean name one famous singer who is liked by every single person. None of them are.
No famous artist appeals to every single person out there. Some philosophers used to think that’s what made art, art. The fact that it can’t always appeal to the masses.
What we find annoying also changes based on how tired we are, how stressed we are, and as us ladies know, our hormone levels.
I can be fine with something one day and another day and I want to scream if I hear it or see it.
I can even find singing and talking annoying sometimes, from other people.
But I do not do what my father used to do and bark “Quiet!” at them, just for existing. (He said that when we sneezed or coughed too, as if we could help that).
I do have moments when I say sharp things without a good reason, I won’t deny it. I think we all do. But thankfully, my family knows that I’m doing that in a moment of irritation and not because I find what they do annoying at all times. And they know that because I praise them for what they do also.
It’s fine to maybe not want to hear or do something at one particular moment, and if it won’t hurt the other person’s feelings, you can say “can we please be quiet for a bit?”
In a secure relationship, someone else can understand that you just need a break, and it’s not them, it’s just that you’re tired.
But if you say things thoughtlessly lie ” you’re annoying” Then it becomes about having a problem with them.
I’m sure my dad was told he was annoying all the time growing up, he’s said as mcuh (and he was, from all I hear). No doubt to him, it’s normal to snap at people like that.
But I don’t want to be that way.
I also think we need to grow a thicker skin. All of us are going to annoy people sometimes. And it’s good to be considerate of them.
The funny thing is my father was not the least bit considerate of me. When he played his music, he’d crank it up so loud it would make my head hurt. Even if I told him I already had a headache, he would just say “Too bad!”
Yeah, this is the same person who got mad at us for involuntarily sneezing.
You see my point? Some people are just nsaty.
You can’t let them kill your joy.
The fact is, what you’re doing may only be annoying to them because they are too easily annoyed. We all need to learn paitence.
It’s not like every feeling is valid (whatever they say now). I know that it’s irrational to find kids laughing annoying, especially if they’re outside, and not bothering me, but some people still find it annoying. But if I do, that’s a me problem. they’re not doing anything wrong. (I don’t actually find it annoying btw, it’s just an example.)
The feeling of annoyance is something that’s hard to control and inconsistent; and that’s why we shouldn’t let it master our words and actions. It’s not even worth it to complain half the time, I think.
In my mind, the only valid time to ask someone not to do something because it annoys you is if you’re feeling sick or you’re trying to focus or rest, and then it is inconsiderate of them.
Otherwise, they’re just living their lives, and you should let them.
And I apply that to my own actions too. I try not to get mad at people over dumb little things they don’t need to worry about.
Often, I just change my environment. Like, if I don’t want to listen to someone or something in the background, I put in my earbuds. We have so much technology now that can help us not be annoyed and then make us be nicer to people, but we still don’t always use it.
I chose not to listen to my dad, and to keep singing and keep writing.
And look at me now.
I’m not extremely successful as a writer maybe, but, I’m growing, I’m reaching an audience. I’m honing my skills.
And I may not be a famous singer, but I put it to use when I teach and my love of music works for me in other ways, like when I practice sign language.
I also recently had a karaokee themed birthday party, and while I didn’t sing the best (had a clogged throat from allergies), my friends said that it was still very fun.
And that’s the real point.
Not everyone is really good at something, but that’s no reason not to do it, if you like it.
I am not good at chess. I still played someone last week who I knew would beat me, because it’s fun, and I like to challenge myself (I like wining more, but, it’s good to play a game you know you’ll lose every so often, just to not get too arrogant.)
I’m not great at dancing, but I still dance.
Who cares?
If someone really needs to control your actions to that point, maybe they have the probelm.
That’s why I’m telling you all, if you dropped something that you used to love because of a mean comment, don’t.
Get back into it.
Don’t let people shame you out of doing what you really like.
I’m not saying to make a career out of it, though maybe you could. But some things we need to do just for the love of them, because money has a way of making even fun things feel like work.
That may be why God in His wisdom gives us all a penchant to enjoy doing things we aren’t good at, so that we won’t monetize everything we do.
If I ever make money from writing, I know it might take some of the fun out. And you know, I’m disciplined enough now to maybe be able to handle it, but, I’m glad I had so many years of doing it for only myself for only a few people. I got to really enjoy what I do.
Same thing with childcare really. I didn’t have to do it for a long time, but I voluntarily did it, and even though I do it for a living now (in a way), I’m still glad I didn’t for a long time.
So whatever people said to you, remember they don’t have the right to judge your entire life, or your interests.
Personally, I don’t do that to others. Even if I think they suck at what they do, it’s their life and it’s their right to do it. I don’t have to particopate in it if I think it’s bad, right?
(I’m talking just about quality, not morality, obviously, that’s a different conversation than this post is having).
Anyway, I hope this encourages someone. I felt like more people needed to hear this. Just do what you love.
Even if you’re doing it alone, or not paid, or people say you’re not good at it, do it anyway. Skill isn’t everything in life.
If I asked you what the answer to all your problems was, what would you say?
Probably you wouldn’t be able to answer. But if I pressed, you might admit that a lot of those problems could be solved with either more money, more time, more friends, or more will power on your part.
Today, I want to focus on the last one.
Will power.
Philosophical question: Is will power the real key to success?
Maybe that’s not even a philosophical question, maybe it’s more of a practical one. In real life, isn’t it all about grit? Courage? Persistence?
I’ve always been told that, from books and inspirational speakers, at least.
Everything is our choice.
You’ve probably heard or seen this on a plague or mug somewhere:
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” — Henry Ford.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” –Wayne Gretzky.
Or something like that.
One thing I hear a lot these days is to “be your own hero.” Or “I am my own hero.”
It’s even in the song “Roar” by Katy Pery.
I’ve always found that weird. I remember reading in a book (not sure what book now) that an author was commenting on how when he used to ask teens who their hero was, they’d say either a real person, or one in fiction, and that they wanted to be like them.
Now they don’t really have anyone they look up to.
I think that varies depending on the demographic and age group you’re talking to, but isn’t it concerning that high schoolers by and large no longer seem to look up to that many people.
Then again, many people may say that it’s better that way. That you should never meet your heroes. That people will always let you down.
I’ve wondered what it would be like to meet my own personal heroes. The kind of people I look up to are usually reported to have been very kind to their fans, and I’d like to think ah’t even if they didn’t immediately like me, they’d still have been the same people I thought they were. Flawed, but, not bad.
But then my heroes are always the ones who admit they are flawed and share their mistakes, so it’s hard to be as delusional about them.
I’m not one for hero worship anyway. I’ve disagreed with my favorite Author, C. S. Lewis, openly to other people, even though I think he was brilliant, because there are some topics he just didn’t understand. But he’d be the first to agree with me on that, it doesn’t take away from my admiration of him, just reminds me to think for myself.
I wonder if we just don’t teach this skill to our kids now. That you have to learn how to respect someone’s good points, and not imitate their bad ones. That you eat the meat, and spit out the bones. No one will ever match your ideal lifestyle, probably because for you, that lifestyle has to be personalized, so no one ever could match it. You have to take what you can from people and turn it into what works for you.
But I feel like we’ve got this weird cycle, in the West at least, where teens and young people idolize someone, or something, until it ends up doing one thing they don’t like, and then they turn on it. Even if that thing is not ever proven, or not even clearly incorrect.
I’ll give an example, and since I’m Christina, I guess it’s only fair to use a Christian one, since we do this too.
I’ll use the example of Switchfoot.
Switchfoot is a very popular Christian indi-rock band, and my personal favorite in that genre, so I was once watching a video about it on YT, and the lead singer (Jon Foreman) addressed one of their fans who was in the LGBTQ+ group, and told them they were welcome to come to a concert, as the fan had posted a video voicing doubt that they’d be welcomed there.
The video got so much backlash, it was astounding to me. I watched the clip from Jon Foreman and nothing he said was unbiblical, he was just trying to put this girl’s mind at ease and be kind and welcoming.
Sure if you twist his words, you could say he was endorsing her lifestyle, but he didn’t actually say that you’d have to read that into his acceptance. (I’m not even going to talk about where I personally stand on it, right now, as it’s irrelevant.)
My point was that so many Switchfoot fans were furious, and flat out mocking this guy and tearing the band to shreds for this short video.
I was surprised at how venomous their comments were. I would think they’d have given them the benefit of the doubt, as Switchfoot has always been a very pure band in their presenting of God and our beliefs, in my opinion at least. Which is why I would have found it hard to believe they were actually being unbiblical so openly.
But it’s not just Christians, it’s not even primarily Christians. This turnabout happens all the time with celebrities, politicians, entertainment, products, you name it.
Perhaps that’s part of the movement for being your own hero. If there is no other hero to be had, then you have to be your own.
I do love a good inspirational story about a self-motivated person achieving their goals. And honestly, I am a very self motivated person myself. I rarely wait for anyone else to tell me what I’m good at, what I should do, or who I should try to be. I’m the one who tells other people my opinion, at times, unnecessarily.
But that’s how I am, I want people to reach their potential, and to reach my own. Nothing is usually ever good enough for me to want it to stay the same forever.
So of all people, the ‘be your own hero’ mantra should appeal to me. And, it does, usually.
But I have come to question it in the last several years.
At first it sounded great, but, I realized what we all realize eventually, that it doesn’t work.
I went through my self help phase as a teenager, which is a lot sooner than most people do, but, I was ambitious. I started reading the books, watching the messages, planning out what I wanted to accomplish and change in my life.
And…I did have some success, but other things, I didn’t.
And all these books over simply it too. People who lead exceptional lives seem to assume it’s simple for everyone to do what they did.
I read the book “Do Hard Things” when I was 13, and I later read the follow up book to it “Start Here” (both by Alex and Brett Harris.)
Then, inspired by a story in the second book, I tried to start my own fundraiser to send money to a charity I liked.
I thought people would do what they described, they would want to help me and that would make it happen. I had ideas…but, I never had a lot of support form others, and on my own, I didn’t have the means to raise the money. We raised some, but, not as much as I wanted.
One lady did try to caution me to be more realistic, and I dismissed her at the time, saying that I had enough faith for the big amount.
But, perhaps the Lord humbled me for that reason.
It wasn’t pure arrogance on my part, really, though. It was that I thought that’s how it worked. That God blessed everyone’s efforts if they were for the right reasons. I didn’t want glory for myself, I wanted to do something meaningful, something that would make a big difference.
Maybe I did want to accomplish something, in a way, to make myself feel important. But looking back, that’s more of something I think now that I’ve had time to examine myself, not what I thought at the time.
But it doesn’t matter if my motives we’re all selfish, or only partially selfish, or not selfish at all; whatever the case, I mistakenly assumed that a first try was going to succeed just because it was for a good cause and because the books made it sound that way.
The books didn’t share a lot of stories of failure. Probably because they didn’t think they’d be as inspiring. But the thing is, teens need to be told they will fail sometimes, even many times, before they succeed, because everyone’s path is different. And the odds are you’ll fail more often than you’ll succeed at anything that involves other people, because no one is likely to care as much as you about it. And even if you find that golden group of people who do, there is luck, or fate, or whatever you call it that has to line up, it can take years for that to happen.
For some people it does happen fast, but, that’s rare. And usually it’s not even the most talented people that it’s true of. It can be passing fad that they happens to hit at the right moment, it can be being in the right place at the right time, or it can be they do the wrong thing by accident, but it somehow works.
For me, it was very discouraging to realize no one else cared as much as I did, but now that I’m older and more experienced, I know that is not uncommon.
But I had the expectation that it would be simple for me. And maybe, for someone else, it would have worked, but the books didn’t cover what to do if you’re not that special person.
So I learned that you can’t do everything just on your own steam.
Other changes I tried to make I could do them, when it was just me. But not always as much as I wanted.
I’ve tried things like exercising regular for years, off and on, and it took till this last year for me to finally have the mental discipline and to know what works for me, enough to actually pull it off for months on end, so far.
I’m learning about what works for me, and I’m finding my footing. I’m 25. I Wish I knew what when I was 16.
But this is why it’s dangerous to tell kids to be their own hero.
The fact is, and if you are a teen or young adult, I say this with the greatest possible respect, but the fact is: You don’t know a lot yet.
I don’t mean that many of you are not smart, capable, and even independent.
But what I mean is that experience is what shows you what is going to work for you, and you just can’t have that figured out as a teenager. It takes months usually to test any thing enough to know if it’s a good fit, and we only have so many months in a year, and so many years of being old enough and capable enough to test out things. Especially in the West.
So the reality is, even for those of us lucky enough to be able to do what we want, and not what we must, as with most places in the world, it just takes time.
And kids can be really prepared with numbers, and figures and info, but still not be ready for the real world. But no one ever is ready. You just go for it, and you get ready as you do.
That’s the truth.
And I’m still in that phase, honestly, but at least, now I know I am. I didn’t before.
There’s another thing to consider:
The culture we live in is obsessed with personal success.
But, let’s look at some dark truths.
Statistically, not all of us will live to be old enough to be successful.
It takes most people till their 30s to be gaining more than they’re putting into anything, let alone a career.
It takes most people years to have kids, if that’s their dream, and to find a romantic partner. I’m still waiting for my first boyfriend in my mid twenties. It’s not that I haven’t looked, but I’v never found the right tone.
The Bible says we shouldn’t set our mind too much on earthly things. People have seen this as some hyper spiritual way of looking at life, that God just doesn’t want us to care about Earthly things that much.
But that’s not what the Bible means by that. In Ecclesiastes it even says you should enjoy what you do, and your marriage, and your life, as best as you can…but knowing that it’s all vanity. It all will pass. And that you may not live as long as you want to. But who’s to say you’d have been better off if you did?
It’s bitter wisdom, but it is still wisdom.
It’s not that God does not want us to try to succeed, He does, but that He is warning us to spare ourselves the heartache of pining all our hopes on one thing that is only temporary even if we get it.
What if we made a million dollars? We’ll spend it.
What if we have kids? They’ll grow up.
What if we get married? Both of us will die eventually, one before the other, probably.
What if we make a great piece of art? Well one day, it will be destroyed or forgotten about.
And this is not bad. It’s just the way time affects us. Nothing can last forever. If it did, new people would never have the chance to be successful also. Some works seem timeless, but even they will be destroyed one day, and new works will replace them.
This is not really bleak, it’s just the way the world has to be to give a constant new chance to the people who live on it.
And that said, whatever we do, while it may be good, is nothing to stake our whole life on.
I’ve seen people like my father who get so depressed they feel suicidal when they can’t do well at their job. A lot of men are like that.
Or who get so down when a relationship ends, because they put all their hopes into that.
I’ve never wanted that to be me.
Yes, I put a lot of myself into what I do and who I’m with, but, I know one day it will end. And while that’s not an excuse to slack off, it does mean I have to be ready to let it go, when it does.
Job, one of the most famous sufferers in the Bible, if not the most famous, said, when he had lost everything through no fault of his own. “The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
See, all success we have is borrowed.
Even if you didn’t believe in God, you have to just look at the world and see that things change all the time. Success will rise and fall for everyone in their life. A billionaire could lose everything and be a pauper, just as easily as someone could become an overnight success. Depends on the person, and the time they live in.
We get so focused on what’s in front of us, we forget that it will not always be in front of us.
Same goes for suffering.
So when it comes to being our own hero, our own answer, for things, we have to realize that it’s never that easy.
There is a lot we can do to help ourselves, but some things always depend on others and their actions.
For me, it’s hard to accept that because people have let me down a lot…yet, without the other people helping me, I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am now. I wouldn’t have learned more about myself and I wouldn’t have learned the skills I do have.
I resent it sometimes when people act like I need help, but, I do.
And I no longer think I can save myself, if I ever did.
And that’s the thing, you can’t save yourself.
That’s a lie they keep putting out there.
Even in that Titanic movie, they say Rose has to save herself.
It’s true that there will be times when it is just us against the world, that you must fight for yourself, and that is part of life.
But that’s more like a crisis moment than a regular thing. Rose didn’t even save herself, Jack saved her, as she even admits later.
And while I’ve had to think fast and act to save myself a few times, most of the time I’m teaming up with other people.
And for me, God has always been the thing that’s saves me the most, even when no one else is around.
If you look up only to yourself, and treat yourself like God, which is really what this self actualization and saving yourself and being your own hero crap is about, when it’s taken to its logical extreme, then when you run out of strength, as everyone does, you’ll collapse.
Why do so many people commit suicide who feel alone? Because you can only talk yourself out of something so many times before you start to feel like it’s just your empty opinion and you’re deluding yourself.
But if someone else is helping you, then it’s easier to believe it.
C. S. Lewis even observed that defending the faith for years might be a way to start having a harder time believing it.
Why is that? Because it was his ideas he was putting against consent opposition, and we start to doubt our own footing after a while. How can we be right? And everyone else be wrong?
But majority rule does not determine who is right. Even finding one or two other people who agree with us can be enough to encourage us to keep believing.
But we can’t all be right. For me, I still compare everything to what my faith teaches, because there has to be some way I can filter what everyone else says and what I think myself.
But if I was just alone with it, if I had no one and nothing to turn to, I couldn’t really believe anything. I’d have no way to test it.
So no, I’m not my own hero, or my own muse. And I think anyone who says they buy that, is kidding themselves.
Even if, at most, you could maintain that for a few years, the bubble bursts sooner or later.
And it should.
And what you find left after that point, that’s what your life really is.
So I guess I’m warning you all reading this not to put too much stock in your own character. Even if you are your best self, your best self will never replace the need for a perfect and flawless model to base our lives on. And we do need that, as humans, because we need to know where we come up short, so we can improve.
There is one recent modern example of this that most people will probably recognize, of the contradiction of saying you should be your imperfect self because that’s better.
In the hit movie “Encanto”, Isabel, the middle child in the Family Madrigal, sings a song called “What else can I do?”
In the song she says “It didn’t need to be perfect, it just needed to be, and they’d let me be!”
The song is about her letting herself go wile with her power.
Now, in of itself, that’s maybe not bad–though she does cause a lot of destruction and injuries by doing it, but the movie waves that off as just the result of her being able to be messy and free finally.
[What Else Can I Do?– Encanto]
But the film (and its reviews) missed the problem with what Isabel is doing.
If it’s truly better to be imperfect…how do we measure that? What are we comparing our imperfection to to say it’s closer to it than our attempt at perfection?
And the answer is usually ‘we don’t know’. There’s just this blind idea of a happier life that we think not trying to be perfect will get us.
[Because we all know it’s the people who try the least who are always the most satisfied with their lives…right? (Not statically).]
I am in favor of breaking the mold, but only because I think the model itself is never perfect, not because the idea of perfection is the issue.
See, when we say we can’t be perfect and we should be, we mean other people’s ideas of perfect, and it’s true, those are never accurate.
But if we ever saw true perfection, we’d see it was beautiful, liberating, and more satisfying than anything else. Because…that’s the definition of perfection. It has no flaws, no drawback.
Something can not be perfectly imperfect, that’s a contradiction.
And because we are not perfect, we always need to grow…but we need to realize we’ll never meet anyone else’s standards of perfection either.
And so we need to allow each other to make mistakes, but never assume that means making mistakes out of a callous disregard for any kind of standard is a god thing.
There has to be a balance to this.
And that’s part of the idea of not trying to be your own hero. If you are your own hero, you have to never mess up. But if you do, who will save you then?
Rather than being liberating, it’s horrifying, the pressure would be endless.
But if you are not your own hero, then you can save yourself, sometimes, but you can also be saved by someone else. Or something else.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. Experiencing things outside ourselves is why we’re on this earth. And to add our own flavor to it also. That’s the paradox of life, giving and receiving in a rhythm and often, doing it at the same time.
So to wrap it up, my thought is, we all should stop saying we’re going ot be the hero of ur own story.
You are a player, but you are not the game. You can be a hero, but you can’t be the only one. You can achieve greatness, but you can’t expect to be the pinnacle of all things.
We should aim high, but learn we’ll never reach heaven, to use the old Babel story metaphor.
And that’s good, because people who live that way are the most happy anyway. Because they know what they can achieve, and what they can’t.
And I hope to live this way myself.
Thanks for reading and please leave a like if this post resonated with you–
I keep trying to post and then getting distracted…go figure.
But I’ve had a lot going on, trying to enter a writing contest, finishing books, working, trying to finish my school courses, and planning a vacation.
But excuses aside, I do have something a bit more unusual to post about.
Those of you who’ve read my older posts from the last four years probably recall that I had the experience of ending an abusive situation, in a very unusual way, and have been dealing with the repercussions of that, therapy, and trying to build new relationships.
I’ve said before that I don’t hate my father, but I do not know where the future will take us.
This month, I finally decided to do something I’ve been thinking about for probably nearly 3 years, and call him.
I haven’t talked to him since he tried to use a family memorial to manipulate my sympathy with, and since we talked to him when he had a mild heart attack. I’ve thought about it, but just couldn’t bring myself to yet. I didn’t feel secure in not being dragged back into that cycle.
Often people do reconcile with their family after splitting, and they mention that it happened, but very few talk about how the process went in detail, I thought maybe my impression after it might be useful to someone.
My Dad is not the kind of abusive that makes the news and shocks people, though it does surprise some people I’ve spoken to, so talking to him is not really dangerous for me to do, just awkward.
But my past with him was not all bad memories, though it was certainly very few good ones after a certain age.
I can’t explain what really went wrong on his end, or what he really thinks, I’m not sure he even knows.
But for me, I decided it wasn’t something I wanted to deal with or be responsible for anymore.
But I didn’t want to be that girl who never talks to her father either because of old resentments.
I’ve met people like that. People have said repeatedly to protect myself and that I don’t owe him anything. My family, aside from his relatives, have mostly not put pressure on me to reconnect.
So with a clear head, I knew I was making this choice for myself, but I was never against it one day.
I think at some point you have to choose what you want. Our current culture glorifies cutting people off and not giving them second chances. It glories self love–and we have a loneliness and mental health epidemic.
It’s not very biblical, but I’ve heard Christians say the same things.
The Bible does warn us that in the last days (any day after Christ’s ascension), sin will abound and love for many people will grow cold.
Sins ares so easy to see, with our media, that peopl allow it to kill love before it has time to even really mature.
I don’t regret making the choice to try to still love my dad even in the years he was making me miserable, deliberately. The fact is, loving him despite that was what gave me any power to not be ruined by his attitude. He didn’t make me into another version of himself, because I chose to forgive and stay open to love, though I was scarred and I have had ot unlearn a lot of habits.
That said, I was hesitant to call him because I knew from watching and listening to other people in m situation, that contact with the person in the cycle is the most likely thing to pull you back into it. It’s like people have their own relational gravity, that pulls you either up or down the scale of bad to good behavior.
But I’ve gotten more and more upbeat and somewhat more confident in the last couple years, and I thought it might be time to test how much I had changed.
I want to be honest with you all reading this. I won’t sugarcoat it and I won’t exaggerate how bad it was either. All I have is my honest thoughts of what happened.
Perhaps the drama queens reading this will be disappointed to know there was nothing explosive about our conversation.
He was teary at first, then we spent most of it talking about our lives, and the only really serious thing I wanted to say was that if I was going to keep in touch, I didn’t want to waste any time fighting, or arguing.
I also told him I’m not looking for apologies. I just want to talk about normal stuff and see how it goes.
I think most people who have been through this will get it, but to those who haven’t who might wonder why I don’t want to hear the words “I’m sorry”, let me explain:
My dad is a textbook narcissistic abuser. He’s emotionally manipulative in the way that messes with your head. Who knows if it’s intentional or not at this stage, I think someone as old as him might have been this way so long they can’t tell the truth anymore–I hope so. If he does it knowingly, that’s just worse.
But what this means is that periodically for me, growing up, and for my mom long before that, he would make a big confession to either her or us all as a family, of how he knew he’d been doing all these things wrong, and he would admit his flaws (usually he’d be on point about them), and say he was going to try to change.
As a Christian, he would also say God convicted him about it.
I note now, looking back, that he never said it was by the grace of God that he could change, which is a red flag for a Christian, to think our own effort will be enough.
The first time he did this where I could hear him, I thought he meant it. I soon learned that he didn’t.
Fast foward to now, he told me the same things over the phone.
He did seem older, and more tired than in the past, but then, he could do that before. Most of my big memories of him are him yelling at me, but he could be contrite too. It felt weird to be on the receiving end of it though.
I told my sisters afterward, who are used to this also, that I knew better than to buy it because if he had me under his power again, I knew it would be the same as before, or worse even. What he would do to me to make me pay for all this, I can only imagine.
But if I don’t put myself in that position with him, I probably have nothing to fear. As long as I have control of this interaction, he will probably be respectful.
But the question is, if I don’t believe it’s genuine, and I can’t trust him, what is the point of us talking at all?
I’m also well aware that his family has a history of not speaking to each other for a long time, and then crawling back and pretending to reconcile, only to fight and argue again
So I could be part of a repetitive cycle here if I’m not careful. The whole thing is a mine field.
So why bother then?
I’m still working on answering that. But I do think one part of it is, just shutting down and cutting off is the kind of thing he would do to me, and I don’t want to be the same.
At the end of it all, I don’t want to be the one they said didn’t try or didn’t give it her A-game. I believe in love and forgiveness, not spite and grudgeholding. It’s not about my dad deserving that from me, it’s about wanting to be the kind of person who goes above what is deserved.
I may never get what I want, but I don’t want that to be because I didn’t try.
I do not think just distance alone will change this relationship, I think you have to build new inroads, and redefine how you do things, if you really want change.
It’s a two way street, I’m not saying I intend to bend over backwards to get his approval, I don’t think I’m even trying to get his approval much now. I suppose I still wish he was pleased with me, it’s only natural to wish that, but his praise doesn’t mean anything to me. He’s proven too many times that it will evaporate as soon as he gets angry about anything.
However, what does concern me is the amount of temptations that popped up in my mind in the two weeks after talking to him, three weeks now, to rehash the past. I was willing to leave it alone while I wasn’t talking, but now that I have, I think of all the things I wanted to say to him over the years, and couldn’t.
And I now know are unwise to say. Don’t cast your pearls before swine. It’s not much good giving someone wisdom that they won’t listen to, or will twist into something else.
People write about telling off abusers, and that’s cathartic–until you try it. The bible warns us that anger towards an angry or evil person just makes them worse, and that is true. I had moments of standing up for myself in the past, and my dad would seem to listen briefly, but then it would be gone a few days later and he’d double down.
So what can I say or do that has any meaning? At first, I just wanted to be able to have a civil conversation. Can I get carried away and hope to restore decades of lost relationships?
No, I’m not God.
So what is my part here? I don’t know.
I can’t lie and say this is an easy situation. When you’re dealing with someone who can’t even meet you in the middle, because they have no idea what that middle is, it’s tricky. You don’t want to carry the burden on your own shoulders, but you know that they won’t carry an equal amount. That’s not even how love really works.
I realize, writing this, that this affects my perception of my life overall. I often ask myself if what I’m doing makes any real difference, because, like with my Dad, I don’t get to see any results. I can try, and try, and never know if a thought even sticks in someone else’s mind.
And even if I’m told it did, I don’t believe it, because my dad would tell me that, and then contradict it a few days later.
As you can imagine, I have serious trust issues because of that double sided aspect of him.
So why open myself up to that again?
It’s not easy, and it’s not something I would do in large doses, but at a smaller level, is it worth it to try?
Maybe just for personal satisfaction. My dad will not be around forever. When he passes on, do I want to have a clear conscience that he had every chance I could give him to be a better dad?
Not that I need his help, now. That’s not what this is about. But someone needs a way to redeem themselves sometimes, or they will never dare to try. And I think people should get a chance to try, if they truly want it.
I can’t say if he does, but is that my call to make? As a human with limited perception?
Those are the questions that keep me from calling it quits entirely. Not that I would be open to more abuse. But in a safer zone, I would be open to some redemption or reconciliation of some nature happening.
Another reason I have is just that, in situation like this, where you have generations of cycles to break, you won’t change a thing by doing nothing. Taking myself out of it is something that protects me, but not anyone else. Trying to change it has the potential to stick with someone, maybe it won’t be my dad. But maybe it’s something someone else in the family could look at, and say “I don’t want ot keep doing this crap either. I’d rather just stop the cycle of abuse. And resentment.
I’m still learning about this. I can’t tell you all it will work out for sure. And if it doesn’t, I think I will be honest about that.
But there are things that haven’t been tried yet, that could be tried, before I just assume that it won’t work. And if those don’t work, then I know for sure.
The Bible says that love endures all things and hopes all things, and it never fails. That doesn’t mean that you will never see someone fail in learning to love. That happens.
But I believe it means, that when you make love your protection and shield and your way of life, it will never fail to change your life and make it better. You may fail to get through tos oem people who have hard hearts, but you will not become like them. And most of us fear being the bad guy even more than we fear what the bad guy can do to us. We don’t want to be poisoned by our past.
I am not perfect, but I can tell you all today, that in the last few years, I have vastly changed how I approach people, how I love them, and I’ve learned to let a lot of things go that used to irritate me for a long time. I tripped over a lot of things at first, but I kept pressing towards love, and gradually, I began to be more graceful with it.
I would also like to tell anyone who is thinking about making this journey a few things:
1. You will not get a lot of encouragement from the world. People will tell you you’re wasting your energy trying to be loving towards the unlovely. And if you are leaving yourself wide open for pain, that’s not okay–but if you’re just remaining soft, and not bitter or vindictive, that’s your choice. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you to get even or to cut people off who you can safely still be around, but they think you shouldn’t bother with.
2. The anger does go away. I’ve not only stopped feeling angry at my dad, and many other people, over what happened; but I’ve stopped getting angry as easily in general because of the choice to forgive and try to set a better pattern. You may feel the anger never stops, but it can. And I’m naturally a grudge holder, so trust me, if I can change that, you can.
3. The pain does get better. I’ve been through it, the depression, anxiety, fear that my life will be ruined, the aching from not being loved or treated well. And it does come back, sometimes, still. But it’s not everyday, and it’s not overpowering. I also have learned to see signs of love where I did not before, and to see people mean well, even when I don’t feel a connection with what they are saying. I’m also more okay with feeling pain now, as long as it’s clean sadness, and not bitterness. I’m okay with crying about a movie where there’s a father who’s more kind and loving than mine has ever been, and letting that make me more aware of what I want and what I seek in God, instead of resenting that I didn’t have it in earth. But that is also a choice and it took a while to feel that way.
4. You will embarrass yourself. This is a hard one for me. I hate looking like I don’t know something…but, the reality is, I don’t know naturally, that much about healthy love. I have to learn it step by step, and at times, it’s extremely awkward to be around much more open people, and to not be able to be that way with them. People with better families than I, who sometimes think I’m cold, because I have no clue how to respond to them. and sometimes, I say things that I think sound normal, only to find that my toxic family dynamic treated as normal what other people think is rude, harsh, cruel, or inappropriate. But, that also gets better. I have learned a lot. I’m still out of my depth sometimes, but I am learning bit by bit. I pray that one day I will be where I want to be, or at least a lot better than I am now.
5. It takes time. I’ve said this with the others, but it’s something I have to remind myself a lot. I wish it was a fast process, but relearning love and life, it takes years. I’ve had 4 years. I think I’ve done well in that amount of time, but it takes most people 10 or more years to really see the kind of life they want, I think. Depending on the person. I’ve also had to do a lot alone, though I’ve had help sometimes. It varies from day to day. And I’ve had to learn to be okay with not always having help, but sometimes saying I need it.
So, now that I’ve admitted all that, do I eel better?
Not really. Dwelling on this stuff is the best way to psych yourself out, which is why I don’t want to write about it too much till I’ve had more time to get self control. Controlling my mood about this stuff has taken a really long time, and it still goes up and down when I get stressed.
But I can thank God I’m in a much better frame of mind about all this than I used to be. And I snap out of it much faster when I do get in a funk. Everyone gets in a funk sometimes, but we don’t have to stay there.
So, yeah, for how it went, I’d say about as well as could be expected, and I’ll see where it goes. But that people should take caution about the kinds of temptations that will pop up when you stir up old memories, just because it starts you thinking about the past again.
So with encouragement and caution, I think I’ll wrap this post up, until next time, stay honest–Natasha.
I have an anecdote for you today, as some of you may recall, I work at a college, as well as attend classes (online mostly now) to get ready for certification in ASL Interpreting.
Which is a whole ‘nother story in of itself, but not my focus today.
I currently work in the writing center, as many colleges have one, as a student tutor.
The job can be boring when people just want grammar checks and assignments to be signed off, but every so often I get a real zinger that reminds me why I love my job–or hate it, depending how you look at it.
Just such an occasion happened last week for me during finals. A student was doing an assignment on the topic of banned books.
He titled it “the war on books.”
Banned books are an interest of mine, so I was eager to read his paper.
Until…
Turns out the student had haphazardly researched what the leftist news cites had to say about parents’ objections to the many LGBTQ+ and political agenda books that are being presented to students.
Also the objections against Harry Potter and other books that include topics religious people don’t like.
I was surprised to see “To Kill a Mockingbird” on the list. Usually conservative, the group this student was rather biasedly targeting in his paper, don’t object to that book. I was skeptical that it was them. Mostly it’s the liberals who don’t like Huck Finn or Uncle Tom’s Cabin, other famous books that include some touchy race words and aspects of life, just because they are realistic about it.
Some people don’t understand the value of historically accuracy when teaching kids about race issues.
I asked my student about why he targeted only conservatives, and his basic answer was it was what the articles mentioned.
Not sruspi, they were form liberal owned papers.
Which is bad journalism, because all political parties object to certain books, not just conservatives, they’re just trying to make it seem like it’s a political party issue, but it’s a issue parents of all backgrounds have.
I’m not supposed to lecture students, so I had to be careful how I worded my objections, I causally pointed out that the paper had a clear bias ad that it’s not considered responsible writing in college to target people groups.
“We target ideas not people,” I explianed.
(This is true, whatever side you’re on you’re supposed to keep it professional in college classes.)
I learned this myself, and I think it’s helped me as a blogger to not try to call out specific people, though I do complain about the left, on a blog it’s okay to do that, it’s not considered professional formal writing and people expect you to be biased in a blog. I do refrain from slinging insults though.
The student took this point pretty well from me, so I dared to, after going over some of his professor’s feedback also, broach the subject of his argument itself.
I asked him “is your position that parents should not be deciding what their children read.”
“Yes.” he said.
I had a silent moment of disbelief.
But I didn’t show it.
Instead I said that it was good to make his solution clear then, so I asked him “then who should decide it?”
I kid you not, he went quiet for at least 1.5 seconds, then he said “I didn’t really think of that.”
I did not say “I could tell from you paper that you didn’t think about it.”
I just thought it.
I patiently explained that if you say one person should not decide something, your implicit argument is that someone else should. In this case it would be the school (or perhaps the child themselves, but we were talking about 5th graders, so that was doubtful).
This student didn’t know it, but I have a pet peeve with college courses about the vial stories they make students read, and many students I speak to agree with me that the stories are awful and they don’t enjoy them. Some of them are borderline pornographic, and I told my English professor they made me uncomfortalbe to read.
I think college students should sign some kind of waver saying they’re okay with explicit content, or else be allowed to read a story with a senl theme, but less graphic depictions.
So I’m with parents about objecting to books I would never read myself being shown to kids not even old enough to drive yet.
The student agreed with my point, and said he hadn’t thought about it that much and he’d have to fix that later. And that he’d fix the biased part.
Since he seemed openminded, I decided to risk one more point, once we’d gone over some more technical stuff, and our session was nearly over.
I mentioned that I’d had one of his classmates with this paper subject in earlier in the semester, and we’d talked about it too. And I had asked them if parents should never be able to decide what their kids read, and their answer was kind of noncommittal.
For context, one of the books mentioned in the article was one that showed sex positions between two gay men–and it would be horrifying if it was between a man and owman also, being shown to kids under 18, the legal age of consent, there is no reason to be showing a book like this, and it wasn’t even to teach sex education, that I understood.
The article openly admitted this book was objected to because of that, but insisted that the parents were at fault.
I wonder what they would have said if the teacher had shown the kids a R-rated movie instead.
I decided to give the student an illustration.
“For example,” I said. “Would you object to a child whose parents were atheists being forced to read a religious text in school?”
[The funny thing about this is that’s not even as overt, because plenty of atheists can acknowledge the lessons of religious texts are beneficial, as long as the content is not too explicit. And not all religious texts are about God only, plenty are about people and have useful life lessons.But on principle the parents can object to it if they want.]
The student immediately said “Yes.” Just like I thought he would.
But impressively, he also said “I get it, because that’s the same thing.”
He might have been bad at doing research for his paper, but he wasn’t stupid.
I agreed that it’s basically the same thing if religious parents don’t want their child taught stuff that goes against their religion.
And as a Christian, of course I would prefer everyone to learn about the Bible, but I wouldn’t force a Muslim child to read it against their parent’s will. Because I want the same rights to protect my child as they do, and if an exception can be made for me, it can be made for anyone, that’s the danger of hypocrisy.
As Portia piontes out in Shakespeare’s “The Merchant of Venice”, once you make an exception for one person, no matter how much you like them, it’s a problem because it becomes a precedent for less scrupulous people to use as a loophole to get out of their punishments.
So why did I share this story?
Other than I thought it was funny, I also thought it was a good example.
I’ve been in college for 5 years (because a certificate program takes a long time) and I’ve noticed how the courses are trying to chip away at students’ integrity.
I know one class that make its student defend the idea that eating someone is okay if the person agree to it, and was drugged so as not to feel it.
I hope that shocked you and not that you’ve already had to study that case in your class.
I almost got physically sick when I went over that assignment.
But I learned something very important, and kind of diablocial, about psychology.
If you make someone argue for something, even if they hate it, it forces their mind to become a bit more open to it, just by dint of practice.
It’s like drinking alcohol, at first it’s really bitter, but then you get used to it, and your tastebuds go numb.
Now if it’s a harmless subject, that’s fine.
But what if it’s a subject the person really object to morally at first, but by practicing arguing for it, they become more amenable to it.
You might say “They probably didn’t really object that much then.”
But that is not true.
That is exactly how brainwashing works, you make someone accept part of something that is not true, and then you build off of it, till they don’t even realize you changed their mind.
The real art of counseling is to help people realize that they really think, deep down under the lies they tell themselves.
The art of brainwashing it to make people believe that they really agree with what you think, deep down, despite their misgivings initially.
Also the art of gaslighting works that way. Though in both cases, you may not actually believe what you want them to believe.
Some amount of manipulation goes into all forms of teaching, but a responsib;e teachers knows where to draw the line, just like a responsible parent knows that tricking your kids into eating more greens is very different than tricking them into a career choice they didn’t want. One of these things will not do lasting damage, and the other will.
And convincing someone to do what you want willingly, instead of jamming it down their throat, like my mom used to do with food I didn’t want to eat, is a very different skill.
However, if you force feed someone poison it will still be poison, and it’s still harmful.
I think the college classes are a mix of both. They force students to read about topics no one should ever be forced to read about.
Then they have them argue about it, till the students are willing to look at it more laxly.
Some professors hate this curriculum as much as the students do, but are required to teach it. Their silent protest is making the assignments as short and worth as little points as they can.
Others love it, because they’ve drunk the Kool Aid that says this is somehow becoming more progressive.
To go back to my student with the book banning, it’s really not so surprising the poor chump didn’t question his position till I pointed it out. After all, he’s being taught the exact same way by his professors, and it doesn’t occur to him to question it, because in his highschool days, he just had to do whatever the teachers said.
This is how I think public school teachers kids to be blind followers. Don’t object to anything or you fail the class.
At least in college our paper can criticize the material if you’re creative about it, so some vent for these feelings is allowed.
The thing I’ve noticed that’s key to brainwashing, is to make sure no one ever asks why you think this issue is so important.
As soon as I asked my student who he thought should be making the decision for what kids read, he hesitated. Because maybe deep down, he know that saying it should be the school and not the parents is a very problematic thing to say, without some parameters. Once I pointed out how he’d object to one situation but not the other, he began to see that he had a double standard, or better yet, the articles he read did.
Not every student can even admit this, some are very stubborn about not thinking out their position. I’ve had a few end our session as soon as they could because they didn’t like what I was saying.
I admit I’m not perfect as a tutor, but I do hold up students with views like mine to the same standards. I’ve told them plenty of times to be more careful about how they write their argument.
Even more so because I know professors with leftist leanings, like some I had, will tear their paper apart if they give any opening to do so by sloppy arguing, and they need to be better than the other students, not worse, at being unbiased.
What your college doesn’t tell you about these issues, like boko banning, or pride, or equality, is that the very first thing you need to ask before you teach anything about this, is why you think it matters.
See, the assumption that equality is the most important value of life permeates our culture, and most people don’t actually question if it’s valid.
As long as they don’t, the argument is always going to be on uneven footing, because you’re automatically forced to concede points to the other side.
And suggesting that there are higher goals than equality gets you a weird look, like that’s crazy, because it is so assumed.
I do believe in equal rights, but I don’t share the definition of rights that many people do, and I don’t like to argue on their turf until we’ve established what we really think.
Often my view surprises them because it’s not taught in school.
Which is my point, school doesn’t teach this stuff.
Chesterton said that a boy is only sent to school when it is too late to teach him anything. [Orthodoxy, chapter 9]
The angle in schools is very narrow. It doesn’t teach you all sides of an issue, or even the underlying assumptions of the side it is teaching.
The point is to teach yo uto spit out the same rhetoric they use, and not think any deeper, or any longer, about it than absolutely necessary.
And you wonder why the internet is such an echo champ of inane chatter and trolling.
I wish I could tell you the Left is the only offender, but I’ve seen just as much of it on the Right, only the Right tends to at least hold up the idea of unbiased thinking more than the left does, but often only in name, not practice. And often their approach to issues is just as surface level. Just because I happen to agree with their side more doesn’t mean I don’t see the flaws in their approach.
I was talking to my sisters and a friend about this earlier this week, and telling them that as much as we like to appeal to rationality for our side, we forget that people do not usually want to be rational.
They believe things because they are comfortable believing them, and because it’s what everyone else says, and most people don’t go against the flow. If our view was popular, they’d take it, but it’s not.
In fact on of my favorite tests of faith is to ask if your faith makes you comfortable.
Mine doesn’t. Some things about it are comforting, but many are challenging and unpleasant, but I’m firmly convinced of their validity despite that. Which shows I do not believe it just to suit my own fancy.
Granted, I may be ore afraid to stop believing it than I am to accept the unpleasant things, but that also shows genuine faith.
What is not genuine is when the only fear you have is to consider a different perspective that makes you uneasy period. Not because it’s one that would shake your entire world. People can be just as stubborn about not trusting new companies as they are about new religions, but either might be better than what they currently use, they’ll never know if they can help it.
What college does not tell you is that sometimes it’s in losing those beliefs that make us comfortable that we find what’s really right for us.
Stores stopped carrying a coffee brand I liked, which bothered me for months as I had to use a cheaper, much less tasty variety.
But this dissatisfaction led me to try a new kind of organic coffee that tasted even better than the brand I first lost.
The point is, someone losing one good thing, and being dissatisfied with the available replacements, leads you to find a better thing in the end.
Ideas can be the same. Humans are terrible at knowing what’s best for us, and the wisest of us keep that in mind all our lives and are flexible, the foolish of us try to make everyone else agree with our definition of what’s best at all times.
And I think any religion that doesn’t challenge your idea of what’s best isn’t really a religion, it’s your preference that you put a religious face on. And Christains do this just as much as other religions.
But the bible at least is clear that it’s not the purest form of our religion to do this, that the best way is to be teachable.
Now, even so, even an idiot who’s right by sheer accident is better than a genius who’s wrong by deliberately pursuing the wrong thing.
So I still think it’s better to be a stupid Christian than a smart atheist, because intelligence is not everything, and anyone who thinks it is is already missing a big chunk of their heart.
Our intelligence, as we call it, is so very small compared to the complexities of the universe, that to feel proud of it is kind of ludicrous. The smartest person in the world can’t explain the real mysteries of life any easier than a stupid person can. Sometimes they have more trouble because they think they can.
Our intelligence, as we call it, is so very small compared to the complexities of the universe, that to feel proud of it is kind of ludicrous. The smartest person in the world can’t explain the real mysteries of life any easier than a stupid person can. Sometimes they have more trouble because they think they can.
Even so, I feel compelled to still get involved in these debates.
It seems small, but the Bible does say, “casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,” [2 Corinthians 10:5]
Which is why I write about it also.
I think it’s about time to wrap this post up (and I’m still recovering from a head cold anyway, starting to feel sleepy), and I think that’s a good closing thought.
I might write more about this in the future, but I think my overall takeaway is that you can’t let school be your only education.
You have to dig deeper, school plays to the bare minimum, unfortunately, to the lowest common denominator, and that’s encouraged by a lot of educators now, because no one should ever be made to feel inferior. Even if realistically, some people are not as smart or skilled as others.
Most people who hate learning, hate it because school does it the wrong way, and would enjoy it if they tried a different approach.
I believe in learning and self improvement if you can improve. And in growing.
So yeah, that’s it for today on what your college doesn’t teach you, though some professors, bless ‘em, do try, and I love them for it, but it’s just not enough without the student trying too.
Until next time, stay honest, –Natasha.
Well, I was young I was young and naïve Cause I was told Cause I was told so I believed I was told there’s only one road that leads you home And the truth was a cave On the mountain side And I’ll seek it out until the day I die…
As of October, we’ve added yet another cat to our family.
This one might be my favorite story of how we’ve gotten one
My sisters legit almost stole this cat on Halloween, they saw a black cat along our street, and it came up to them, all friendly like, and they were a little worried about leaving it out on Halloween, because people do terrible things sometimes (I had a friend whose black cat was killed) so they brought the cat home.
I wondered if she was a stray, she seemed pretty well fed, but she was very clingy and affectionate, and seemed happy to be inside. She was only about 5 months old.
Well the next day we take the cat back to the house they took it from, after trying in vain the night before to find out who it elonded to.
The lady there tells us the cat is a stray they’ve been feeding, but she lives outside and doesn’t technically belong to them. And if we want her, we can take her and give her a good home. Because she’s lonely, and they can’t take her inside.
Glad we did too, because it got freaking cold at our house now that it’s Winter.
But of course I gave my sister crap for basically kidnapping someone’s cat, even if she wasn’t officially theirs.
Our grandma didn’t want to keep it at first, but we talked her into letting us at least get the cat fixed and some shots, and by the time she recovered, she’d gotten used to being here, and didn’t seem to mind the dog much, surprisingly. So we just kept her.
All part of my ten point plan of course, mahahha.
So now we have 4 cats. And 3 of them are black. We keep saying people are going to thnk we’re sme kind of cult.
But we didn’t plan it that way. Two of them were just in our neighborhood and happened to be black, mine is the only one I purposely selected the color so I could name her after a character.
I think you could learn a lot from cats, or pets in general, really. But cats act more like humans if you ask me.
I know people, dog people, say that cats think they’re above humans. But if you ask me, cats just reflect how obstinate and self centered most of us really are, if we take all our excuses off the table. Cats would make the same excuses if they could talk.
See, if you like dogs, you’re either an optimist or a pessimist about people, but if you like cats, you’re a realist. The good and the bad.
And each of our cats reflects something different about human nature if you ask me, maybe I read into it too much but pet lovers out there can relate.
So why not, let’s see what I got.
1: Cata
Well our boy cat died, but his sister, our only non black cat currently, is still around. She’s up there but since cats can live 15 years, she might still be middle aged, we’ll see.
Cata, the cat, has always been kind of a princess, as we call it. She never was much for roughhousing, even as a kitten, she loved playing with anything shiny or girly (seriously, it was weird how she went for girly stuff, like a cat shouldn’t really know that right? Could she smell the estrogen?) and was one to want affection even before food.
For real, we’ve seen this cat refuse to eat multiple times unless someone pets her first, or she’ll eat if you sit and pet her, but if not she’ll just ignore the food. Can’t say the others have that problem.
Conversely she’s also the most sensitive of our pets, she doesn’t like being picked up, and is very particular about when she wants attention. But if she’s lying on a bed, she’s usually in the mood for snuggles, she knows that our turf. But if she’s on a chair in the office, leave her alone, that’s her territory. (The office is our cat room so they have somewhere safe from the dog.)
But I remember when I realized that Cata might be onto something was while I was house sitting alone, while my family were all on vacation.
Cata got kind of lonely without all of us there, and would come rub on my leg and sit in my lap while Iw aosn the etoliet (a weird habit all of our cats have for some reason) and get her loving, as my Mom would say.
But I had a revelation: This cat isn’t ashamed of it. She asks for love when she wants it and needs it, and doesn’t apologize.
It reminded me of how very often, I wouldn’t bother to go to God, or even to other people, if I feel sad or lonely, just because I don’t want to admit it, or because I think I can get by.
But can I really? I mean even the dumb cat knows that love is more imporant than food soemtimes, and sehs’ a cat.
Weird right?
But I guess maybe Cata is onto something, what is life without affection? Empty.
True, she’s a diva and has hidden from us for 48 hours straight just to get back at us for ignoring her or getting new cats, and also poops on the floor when we make her mad or don’t clean the litter box fast enough, or she’s just too lazy to bother (she is mobile enough to) so she does have that desolate helpless female thing going–but hey, don’t we all wish we could get attention that easily?
I think Cata’s eccentricness is partly because we’ve had her since she was a couple weeks old. She is our most comfort kitty type. She’s sa with us when we’re sad, even with my grandma, who she ignores the rest of the time, after her dogs died, Cata woulsit in her room…she stopped after a few weeks, and now that there’s another dog, never goes near that room, but it was like she knew we were sad.
Cata also seemed sad when her brother cat was dead, like she knew something was missing. They say animals don’t notice, but I think we did see a change in her behavior. She was more okay with her sibling cat than she was with our newer ones. But she did become a bit nicer to them after that, like she had to fill a void.
It’s odd, but even in animals, it seems like dealing with loss sometimes is easier when you open up to something new. Go figure.
But maybe Cata likes attention because she values company, on her terms, she is still a cat, and that’s something we could learn form, in our isolated society.
2. Winnie
Winnie (Winter or Winnie-the-Pooh, we still argue over which it was originally) is our next oldest cat.
She was dumped in our neighborhood, before we moved, right around Christmas–which in that area is the meanest time to abandon a cat, because it ices over sometimes.
My mom put an ad out for a lost cat, but no one responded, so we kept her.
Winnie is definitely the weirdest cat we’ve ever had…I mean I’ve only had 5, but she was unique.
She’s not mean, she actuall ran righ up to my mom when we foudn ehr and seemed used to people.
But she was pretty brash too. She was only about 4 months old, but when our boy cat, Tiger, tried to get all territorial with ehr, she dug her heels in and gave it right back to him, that was her first day.
Tiger was so surprised that he backed off and left her alone mostly, then they became bffs because Winnie liked to play more than Cata, who was such a “girl” (at least that’s what I think Tiger would have said if he could speak)
Winnie had kind of a cracked out look in her eyes though, and would rush around the house like a maniac, she would play with herself, and my mo is convinced she was nearsighted.
She definitely had her own style, we used to joke that she’d be the atar of an action movie if she could be. We called her “ninja cat” because she’d jump up and do wild poses and swipes.
She freaked out one of our neighbors just because she was black and hada nutty expression.
But despite that, Winnie has never been a mean cat, just odd. She didn’t bit or scratch much (actually Cata drew blood more than any of our other ones) and in her older age, she mellowed out a lot. She’s still kind of funny, but now she mostly just rubs on our feet, and hides in boxes.
Winnie is a little more accepting of new cats than our other ones. And more welcoming of strangers in the house.
And call me crazy, but isn’t that a little like humans too?
Sometime it’s the weirdos who are the least judgmental–not always, but sometimes. Because if you know you’re different, then other people who are different also tend to be drawn to you.
And hey, sometimes feet and boxes are just the simple things in life to enjoy.
3. Saucy
Well, I suppose I have to take full responsibility for how Saucy turned out, since I raised her and all. I mean, it was a joint effort, but she’s my cat.
I got Saucy because someone who worked at the school behind our house had found kittens and offered me ne to conle me because I thought Cata had gone ising (turns out she just hid under a bed for 36 hours behind stuff so I couldn’t see her).
I had thought about getting another cat anyway, for myself, because one of ours haddied (got hit by car really) so I said yes.
Now everyone told me not to do it.
My sister, Mom, and Grandma all said the dog would eat any new cat. They all seemed to have this odd idea that our dog is more viscous than she really is. She ties to herd the cats, about as successfully as most people, but she doesn’t bite them. She’s a sheep dog, so she nips at their heels to get them to move, but it’s not real.
Despite them all saying it was a bad idea, I got the cat anyway, and introduce ehr to the dog little by little, the dog never tried to eat her. While she was too little to run, we kept them seperate, but once she was big enough, she was actually the least afraid of the dog, sometimes she’d rub under her, unlike the other two who avoided the dog like she was a wolf.
They say cats reflect their owners, so I suppose it’s my fault that cat has a personality that’s pretty stubbornly independent.
Actually I’ve gotten compliments from our vets that my cat is very calm and cooperative when they examine her. She doesn’t stress much. And I am much calmer than some of my family.
Aso I tend to be bolder, and not avoid conflict, and this cat wouldn’t avoid our older cats, she would go up to them. And the dog.
In fact she was so fearless I worried about letting her outside because I thought she’d go up to strange animals and get bitten. So we waited till she’d had her operation and shots to let her outside.
Strangely Saucy, while fearless, alway understood boundaries fairly well. She used to stand in the doorway when we left it open and looked at us like “I know I’m not supposed to go outside, but I really want to”. She didn’t climb on stuff as much as Winnie did, because she knew she wasn’t supposed to, when she’s inside, she sticks to her furniture we allow her on, for the most part.
Just can’t take th hint with other cats.
But this is like me too, I push limits soeitsm but I also know when to dra wa line.
Once we finally let Saucy out, she wound up being much more comfortable outdoors than indoors, she loves it. And her fao game to play is tag, she wants to be ah all over but she tsy sotu of reach until she’s acut tired and then she’ll let herself get caught and taken inside, or she comes in when she’s hungry or cold.
Despite being bold, Saucy was actually our most gentle cat. She never bit us, or scratch us hardly at all, was okay with being held more than the others, and when I give her bths, put sup way less prost than the older two, she even enjoys part o fit.
She growls and hisses and snap over having new cat around, but usually it’s all talk. (Some exceptions).
I can see myself in this also, I make a big noise and I ep myself, but I really really try to hurt anyone. Forceful but not harmful, that’s kind of my way. Though we all have our moments.
Sh definitely is Saucy, guess I did that one to myself.
But saucy and mean are not the same things. Saucy may be independent, but she’s not antisocial, she just likes to be social in a more active way, and she sticks to her guns about it.
While it can worry me, I have to respct it at times, I like a stong mdinded erson, env i fhteyr a cat.
And it does put me in mind of another truth about life, the worst of liking people who have a mind of their own is that they will have their own way sometimes, and it won’t always be what you want.
But deep down, you love them more because they are more themselves, then you do if someone bows to our every whim. It’s hard to like a personality if someone doesn’t have one, right?
And not everyone who is strong willed is a jerk, they may just be that way, but not mean any harm by it, don’t take their independence as a lack of affection, they may just show their affection differently.
Wow, that go tdep dint it?
Now for the last one:
4. Mimi/Jemima
We still call this cat different things, but she doesn’t care anyway, she really understands “kitty” best.
Mimi still is the most affectionate cat we have, maybe because she’s still getting used to having a home.
But it has changed a bit in 4 months. When we first got her she wanted attention constantly, she seemed worried we’d kick her back out. She didn’t really want to go outside, and we made sure not to let her because we worried she’d run back to her other house.
But she never acted like she wanted out the door anyway, she just wanted food and love.
Now we let her out but she still hasn’t tried to leave us, she sticks close to the house more than the other and comes back in quickly, partly she’s just cold, but partly, she’s just not interested. She’s know the good stuff is here.
See none of the other cats were homeless long enough to remember it, but Mimi was alone, sort of, for 5 months of her life, and she picked up the habits of a lonely person.
ingShe wants reassurance that she’s welcome here, but she also has an annoying habit the others don’t have, she steals our food. Especially bread and chick for some reason.
I get the chick but one of the other cats like bread, it makes no sense.
We think it’s her instinct to eat whenever she can and to take people food because she probably went through trashcans before. She still has that stravation mindset.
She’s getting a little better, but it’s still a problem, we have to hide food from her.
Mimi also likes to play more, since she’s still a kitten, and is slowly wearing Saucy down. Saucy was the baby before, and has the jealous sibling thing, but he’s getting over it. The other two didn’t care as much because Mimi and Saucy look like they’re twins, we think they might have had the same mom, and I think the older cat could tell the difference from a distance and got used to it faster.
Mimi likes people, but despite being very eager to come up to us when we found her, she has not been like that with strangers.
But I’ve seen this behavior before. We had another cat who loiterered outside and went between houses to eat, he a very affectionate to people but it was because he only got attention outside, and he never really wanted to become an indoor cat, just kind of liked to go between different houses.
Most really affectionate cats I’ve known were lonely ones, in fact, they ram as much aatn at hey na ge tinto small sauer of time.
But Mimi, now that she’s accepted this is her home, no longer feel the need to advertise to other people who walk by our house, she feels more secure here so here she stays.
And this, maybe most of all, is like how people are.
Some of us, when we have been alone a lot, we are very needy and beg for affection. It’s hard to help it when you’re empty. Even though Mimi had food from her other helpers, she wanted a family.
Once you have one, you stop looking, but you still may have some “hungry habits” to break.
Even when we know we’re at home, we can still steal food and act like we’re hungry again, it’s hard to go from one mindset to another. And a cat doesn’t have the self awareness to know that, bt we human do, but we can be blind to how nonsensical our habits are.
We need to accept that if we have a home, we can’t act like strays anymore, when you steal food, someone else has less of it, after all, it’s better to take what you’re given and be grateful for it, not to beg for more than your fair share.
We love Mimi anyway, but what’s a habit in a cat, can be more of a deliberate thing in a human being, and something we should try to grow out of it if we can.
Even a cat can learn better, so why not a thinking, person.
I guess that’s my point in all this. Each of our cats has their good and bad points, and they all mirror human qualities in a way, but our cats have no self awareness to know what is good and what isn’t, unlike us, who can choose.
So we can learn from them, what to do and what not to do. And that even if you have your quirks, the right person will love you anyway. But don’t be a beast and not at least try to change, we can forgive a pet, but a human should be willing to learn, but around that, we still need acceptance.
And I guess that’s what I learned from my cats.
Also the more the merrier, in my mind, but that’s a personal preference. It’s not that I have a void to fill, it’s just that I think the more things you have to love, the better life is.
Well was it kooky or profound? You tell me. Maybe both.
drybonestruth 