Life

Stop it (both a rant and a reflection on current attitudes)

/ toseealife / 1 Comment

You know I think I’m finally getting the hang of this new editor, yay!

Well if you were curious, I am better today, have been for a couple days, starting icing my inflamed muscles and taking Prilosec (for acid reflux) and I’ve been eating much better.

And another great thing that happened this week was the Oh Hellos (that band I keep leaving links to at the bottom of my posts) dropped another EP, liking it so far. Musical genius. I am actually listening to them as I write.

Plus a friend I have not seen since the lockdown began finally came to Youth Group again.

So, with some good things happening, what should I write about?

How messed up the world is right now? Yeah…

You know, I try to refrain from ranting about it and getting into politics a whole lot, because that’s not really what I want to write about, and I think too many people complain about the world in their blogs, I won’t start naming names because I still like those bloggers, YouTubers, and others, but…seriously?

Here’s a thought that keeps coming back to me over this year.

Stop. Just… stop.

Why do you bother?

I really don’t get the appeal of being “woke” about stuff, giving the hot take on the events of the world like you are some kind of expert on it. Like you really have such a great grasp of the global climate and the suffering of other people.

Now, I am all about Free Speech, I believe that the right to give our opinions in public is the only protection from tyranny we have.

And I believe that even the idiot’s right to free speech must be protected. after all, if the fools don’t speak, they will not expose their foolishness, as Proverbs assures us they will.

My issue with how it currently is is that the fools are the only ones speaking, most of the time, and people of true wisdom simply stay out of the quarrel.

Like the anime movie title, there’s a Silent Voice in both America, and other countries in political trouble right now. There’s the people who just go quietly about their lives, thinking more wise thoughts, and they won’t let on.

Proverbs also tells us that Wise men will guard their tongues and not speak unnecessarily. Which is not really talking about small talk and humor, as some people have been taught by too strict churches, but talking about saying what is better left unsaid, or saying something at the wrong time.

Proverbs says “a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” Meaning there’s a right time and place to speak, and a right manner.

JAmes says we should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Doesn’t sound like our modern social world does it?

Well, newsflash that the media won’t ever tell you: This is nothing new. People have always been prone to petty arguments, talking over each other, and throwing insults more than reasoning.

It’s hilarious to me when people bemoan how free thought and reason have fallen out of popularity…when were they ever in popularity? There have been a few golden ages in the history of the World where Wisdom was perhaps sought after and respected by many people, but those times were decades at most usually.

When church leaders (not just in the church, it’s all over, but I hear it most there for obvious reasons) say we need to get back to being kind, and need to remember that, and not drift, I want to laugh. They mean well, but I always think, “have you read the bible? This isn’t new. Tell us to be better by all means, but don’t imply that we ever didn’t have these same problems. These are just human problems. They have existed since the fall. They will exist until the new kingdom comes.”

The real wake up call anyone reading this needs, if they haven’t had it already, is to realize this is not something that happened because humans have changed, but because they haven’t and won’t.

This is not unusual.

2020 as a whole has been a weird year, to be sure, but the problems it exposed in our culture are not really Racism, Intolerance, or radicalism to unhealthy amounts on both sides of our political spectrum. It was not arrogance, pride, or pettiness.

Oh no, if you didn’t already know all that existed, boy were you either stupid or sheltered way more than a homeschooler ever is. Read a book, seriously, I’ve known about this stuff since I was a kid, just in varying forms.

But I’m sure you did know. I don’t care if you don’t even live in the USA, it’s the same everywhere. You cold live in a remote African village, or in rural China, (though I doubt you’d be reading this if you did) and you could tell me the same crap happens there as I’m describing, it’s just undocumented.

You know what 2020 really revealed to me, I knew it already, but I never saw it so clearly before:

Just how Self-Aggrandizing, Whiny, and Anxiety obsessed my country is.

And it’s not just the young people, though it scares me how prevalent it is for them, at least in my state.

But, oh my gosh, have we gotten delusional.

I hear people say constantly that the world has never been through this kind of thing, the country has never been through this kind of thing, and we are in something new.

I mean, seriously? None of the other crisises in history came close to this one? This one that was made much better by having tech we could connect with each other through, and keep our businesses running with, and our churches. For a national or global crisis, this has been remarkably cushy, the psychological effects are far worse than the materiel ones for most of us who have not lost someone to the virus, or lost our jobs, but even those of us who did suffer that had more resources than the average Crisis victim in any past tragedy would have.

I got handouts I didn’t even ask for from my school, lots of people have.

And the political corruption line? Really. That’s been every single election since Washington stepped down and Reagan served his 2nd term.

I ask you Americans who read this, what do you think we deserve, anyway?

If you are on the Left, what makes you think we are so entitled to social justice?

Your side promotes murdering innocent children, pushing ideologies in schools that many parents don’t like, and pushing secularism and Evolution, a worldview that has absolutely not a shred of evidence.

If you are on the Right, why are you blaming the Left for ruining this country?

Who has sat back and done nothing, for decades? Or at most, protested and petitioned in weak ways, but not gone to the real battleground and taken back our schools and counties, and gotten social media savvy, and tried to understand what kids are up against now, instead of blaming them fro being brainwashed when no one tried to stop it.

I mean, I’ll give the Left this, they make themselves heard, they have popular platforms, they know how to appeal to kids.

The Right often to me does not even try to understand what we like, they just tell us what we should like. In my personal experience, it’s gotta be old music, old fashions, old ways of doing things. And anyone who doesn’t like that is just a snowflake wimp.

So much for being the trendsetters.

No, though I support Conservative ideology, the actual actions of Conservative often fail to impress me. There’s some very cool ones out there, but many just sit on their duffs and complain and say it’s all wrong, and do nothing whatsoever that will ever be remotely useful in the long run.

So, I ask, what ecactly do you expect?

You can call this years election a joke, but this is exactly what you asked for, and you know how?

Because you fall for the click-bait, you start the arguments, you rail at people who don’t agree with you.

You demonize the other side, and you worship any leader who echoes your opinions.

But what’s worse than all that, is you actually have the audacity to feel sorry for yourself. To feel you’ve already lost, and that your life will be forever ruined by forces you cannot control.

And that absolutely can and has happened, in the past, but you take it on before it’s actually set in stone, and live your life afraid of the future, and what the opposing side will do to you.

(I don’t mean all this as necessarily someone who is reading this does that, though it’s possible, I mean to the grander audience of people who complain in general)

Now, it may be no one knows what to do. But why not just admit that and start praying? Why must me insist on being so arrogant that we will deny just how clueless we really are, and refuse to seek wisdom, to study how it was done in the past, and how real changes were actually made.

I am so sick of the Self Pity. How dare we feel sorry for ourselves when we have the most freedom to control our fate, and people would kill for that in oppressed countries. And they must look at us in amazement at how scared we are.

Believe me, I get scared by the corruption too, but I have not yet been convinced that I am helpless. There are measures still open to me, and at the very least, if I can change nothing, I can at least choose not to compromise.

We asked for this. We really did. And we didn’t try to stop it. Why? Because we decided we liked anger, we liked hatred, we liked ignorance.

And I am not talking about racism or bigotry as the media defines it, I mean the pure corruption in this country that people can’t stop whining about, just as if they didn’t all contribute to it.

It’s like the Hunger Games, if nobody watched it, this gruesome, sick, charade couldn’t keep going.

69 The Hunger Games HD Wallpapers | Background Images - Wallpaper Abyss

So why do we watch it?

Part of the point of that saga is not that people will necessarily force kids to fight for food in a post apocalyptic future, it’s that people will accept evil that they do not have to accept, if it’s entertaining. That people will be fooled into thinking they can do nothing about it, if they are shown something as normal, and as supported by rich, privileged higher ups. Who in turn think they can do nothing, because people pay them for this.

That’s why things are this way this year.

And all the whining about how awful it is is not going to change a thing, that’s part of the problem. You do realize that the facade literally depends on us complaining about it instead of actually trying to improve our own lives.

I’ll tell you, if we all tried to improve our own lives alone, we’d have changed this country years ago, let alone if we tried to help out others.

That’s what Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of happiness means, guys. The freedom to pursue the best life for yourself possible, whatever the confines of your situation are. People cam to America with nothing and became rich, not because they had “privileges” but because they believed they could change their situation.

Despite many bad legal decisions in the last few decades, that is still true and has not yet quite disappeared, though many foolish people are trying to remove it.

I don’t have a plan to fix this country, nor do I necessarily think it will be fixed, because I am much more concerned with individuals and how they think, and feel.

I am just using politics as an example because it’s an obvious one, but what I’m saying applies to all areas of life.

Just stop. Stop commenting on everything. Stop complaining about everything.

Stop talking about how corrupt our leaders are, you’re the one who even watches the news to get told who to vote for, why are you surprised when they make a sensation, that’s what you asked for, because you like feeling stirred up (nobody who doesn’t like that watches the news, trust me.)

Guess what, there are other candidates who dion’t get coverage at all, do you bother looking into them?

Stop trying to sound smart.

Stop trying to diagnose the problem.

Stop thinking that talking about it is a solution.

Like, raising awareness, what is the point of raising awareness? It stops nothing. It only intimates people who might actually do the right thing if it wasn’t shoved in their faces how terrible they are for not doing it.

But, hey, no one has to listen to me. I know that. I know that I am talking to myself here as much as anyone. But this is the best advice I could give myself. Like Portia and Alice, I don’t always follow it, easy to say, not easy to do.

But even so, I am learning.

The real reason the Bible advises us not to get too concerned with world events is because Jesus knew just how much of a trap it is, trying to fix the world that cannot be fixed, and getting sucked into the void of trying to find the perfect solution that doesn’t exist.

Because Jesus is and always will be the only Perfect Solution to anything and everything. And he cannot be controlled by us and our efforts, though he may use them.

I think, in the end, many people my age wouldn’t even argue with me that there is no real answer in this world, they just lack the hope that there is a better world with the answer that we can be a part of.

Which saddens me. The only real way to prevent despair is to hope in something that cannot be taken away by the world’s circumstances.

Christians get flack for focusing on what is unseen, and what is often vague and hard to understand, on a distant Heavenly future instead of solving the present problems.

But remember Christianity was founded under a wold dominion, a time when a human solution to the problem seemed impossible. That was why it was so clear why Heaven had to be the answer.

Because God’s kingdom must be untouchable by man’s rules or ways, or it is weak and empty, just like our own. So it can’t be an earthly kingdom. No earthly kingdom is permanent, if you set your hope in that, you might as well despair now.

So, to wrap this up, my final thought it that I will hate to see my world collapses around me, and I hope it doesn’t for a very long time, but I now it will, sooner or later, and when it happens, I want to find the rock under my feet was always something that the world couldn’t take away from me, because it wasn’t o f the world to begin with.

And I encourage people to think about that, as this year draws to a close. You lost a lot more than you expected, but what did you find unshakable? If there was nothing, then maybe you built your life on the wrong thing to begin with.

Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

Being a jar.

/ toseealife / 1 Comment

Well, it’s been one of those days…weeks…months…

I am still feeling very sick, I’ve barely eaten since Friday, and I am sore from my chiropractic appointment that was supposed to help, but has made my entire body feel inflamed (I got worked all over, like bread dough).

I don’t know where my miracle is, it’s starting to feel ludicrous to even expect one.

Of course, I don’t want to write a post just to gripe, or I’d review a movie or show I don’t like 😉

But I’m being honest, that is my theme, right?

Drybonestruth.

You know it was 4 years ago when I started this modest blog and picked that name out, at the time I was interested a lot in the Ezekiel 37 story, some of you who read my homepage probably know that already.

I was as arrogant as most young authors when I started writing this, I thought I’d write these profound posts and people would comment on them, and be like “wow, that’s so deep.”

I planned to write mostly ideas, observations, theology, etc.

But pretty much no one who blogs can avoid the self-reflective posts forever, if they can, I’m amazed at their self control, or else I pity them because they must fear being exposed.

When I did write about myself, I only presented my best parts, even up till this year. I didn’t lie, or anything, or try intentionally to put on a facade, I just saw no value in telling people about my problems and struggles, who wants to read that?

But I started doing it as a way to stay accountable, and then I began reading other people’s blogs where they shared their issues, and I found it encouraging myself.

I never intended for this to become a Recovery Blog, and while it still isn’t only about that, it strikes me as interesting.

I got to thinking about why I named my blog drybonestruth again partly because one of my pastors preached a sermon on Sunday about our dry bones needing to be brought to life. And it resonated with me because with these physical struggles, I’ve literally told my mom “I feel like I’m dying.”

That’s how the emotional struggles felt too, like a part of me was just dead. I didn’t think Christians could or should feel that way, we’re reborn after all.

But I was thinking this week, Paul actually wrote that we are perishing daily

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. 8 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 11 For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So then death is working in us, but life in you.

13 And since we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I believed and therefore I spoke,” we also believe and therefore speak…

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-18)

And upon rereading Ezekiel 37, I noticed something else

” Then He said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They indeed say, ‘Our bones are dry, our hope is lost, and we ourselves are cut off!’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord God: “Behold, O My people, I will open your graves and cause you to come up from your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel. 13 Then you shall know that I am the Lord, when I have opened your graves, O My people, and brought you up from your graves. 14 I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I, the Lord, have spoken it and performed it,” says the Lord.’ ” (11-14)

If both these passages are any indication, feeling more dead than alive is not that unusual for a believer. God can raise the dead, but it’s more usual to see Him use that as an example, instead of just healing and freedom, which is what caught my attention.

Why the name drybonestruth still applies is that, honestly, if I can’t tell the truth about myself, how can I tell it about anything else. It’s always hardest to be honest about yourself.

And I don’t just mean griping about my problems, many people do that, it’s no more honest than anything else, often they just blame everyone but themselves.

Me? I tend to blame others because I expect them to blame me, people usually do. I look for an accusation before I even hear one.

I’ve blamed myself for the crappy way I’ve been feeling, but some of it I was born with, some of it was injuries, some of it is likely genetic, and some of it is beyond my ability to really trace the root cause of. I can blame everybody and everything, I can blame me, but it won’t heal me any faster.

My sister pointed out to me, that as bad as this is, it’s good that it happened when I wasn’t working, or needing to provide for myself financially to pay for all this, or when I had kids, or tried to have kids.

And she’s right, I have 3 or 4 people taking care of me, plus doctors and a very nice chiropracter hwo goes half an hour overtime and doesn’t charge for it.

I feel like an ungrateful (insert curse word I can’t say) when I still want to whine and throw a tantrum about how it’s all not enough. There’s plenty of people who go through stuff like this alone.

And I wonder if people are right when they say bloggers are narcissistic.

I think, I didn’t use to be this way, I used to be able to think of other people.

But, if I was honest, I’d admit that’s not true. I’ve always focused on myself, my inner turmoil, angst, happiness, etc.

It’s not necessarily that I am unusually selfish, it’s kind of how I’m built, to be reflective, I can be selfish because of it, but I can also be hard on myself for not being kinder.

And I do write about things other than me, surprisingly, people tend to like personal blogs better. They like getting a peek into someone else’s life.

I started following Umai Yomu’s blog a while back, because I liked reading about their experiences in Japan, I don’t read the reviews (because I don’t watch any of the anime and couldn’t follow the points) much, but I like the personal stuff (Link here: .https://umaiyomu.wordpress.com)

I don’t know if God is trying to change that I’m reflective, but He may be trying to change how I handle being ill.

While I complain too much, I don’t complain as often as I used to. I don’t get down as often, though I get down plenty. I am more proactive than I used to be.

And if that’s not enough…then I just need to accept that I don’t have to do everything. God is the one who heals.

The longer I study anything related to health, the more I think that’s true from anything to scrapes and cuts, to cancer. Any little injury can be bad, even a bump on the head, and cancer can be cured. Who lives, who dies, it’s really got to be in the hands of some Divine Judge, medicine really can’t explain it.

I don’t believe I am going to die. I don’t know when I’ll feel better. Could be today, tomorrow, or next week. I am exhausted, that’s no lie.

This morning, after feeling bad, I just started playing worship music, because I had nothing else to do, there was nothing else to do.

When everything is a mess, all you can do is worship. Because, to start lashing out at God would cut off my last shred of comfort.

It may not seem that comforting, when I don’t feel any better, but at least I have a hope, a promise that I will, eventually, recover. This can’t last forever.

I miss eating. But the bible says “Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that precedes from the mouth of God.”

Despite not eating more than maybe one decent sized meal a day for at least 5 days, and not as much as usual before that, I have not fainted, or been unable to focus on schoolwork. While that’s not a whole lot of comfort, at least it’s a good sign.

Whether I eat, whether I don’t, I know God can sustain me.

Which, is not me trying to say I will just not eat. I’m still trying to do that, I’m not going to be anorexic on purpose… it’s just me accepting not everything is in my control, including my stomach.

My chiropractor did something called “body sculpting” on me, which means he’s literally changing the shape of my body to be aligned right. It was all wrong.

I have a beautiful, strong body in many ways, it just doesn’t work like it should.

I would not recommend body sculpting to the faint of heart, it hurts, it’s tiring, and you’re really sore the day afterward.

I understan the verse about “The potter and the clay” in a whole new way now.

Like Paul wrote, we’re earthen vessels, just clay, easily broken, but with many uses. Holding everything from refuse to precious perfumes and spices.

And I feel how fragile I am right now. I’ve been so angry with myself, and my body, but I am starting to blame it less. It can’t help it, after all.

I feel sad, frustrated, scared… but I’m less angry.

I want God to heal me, but I can’t make God heal me. Like Job, I can only get an answer when God chooses to give it, I pray that like Job, my health will be doubly restored, for I wasn’t as well off before as I’d like to be in the future.

Recovery itself can cause pain, sickness, and other discomfort. So, who’s to say, maybe feeling terrible today is a good thing… sort of.

And no, I’m not a saint. I don’t feel like this most of the time, this is me trying to raise myself up to think differently. Half the battle is in the mind, right?

Right.

And with that, I think I’ll close this post. I hope something in this made sense and was encouraging to you, I’m sure I’ll write something less depressing soon, I have some ideas.

Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

Resisting Resignation.

/ toseealife / Leave a comment

I have views from Thailand and Belgium today, man, it blows my mind how many countries get represented on this site.

Also, yesterday marked my 9th week of not drinking coffee, after drinking it nearly every day for several years, my family is amazed I did it. It takes 9 weeks to either completely break or build a habit.

And I’ve not been feeling any healthier, honestly. Yesterday I woke up and had one of my mysterious gagging episode, with nausea and neck tightness and back pain. Best guess so far is GERD, but my chiropractor thinks I have pinched nerves, and it’s true, stretching my muscles does seem to help. More fun from having a misaligned spine for so long, all my internal organs got squished together, fun.

My church had a healing service last night, and I got some prayer, the lady must have had a word of knowledge, she prayed for my intestines, neck, head, and even brain, not the usual guess for headaches.

I know many people view Faith Healing as one of the biggest scams of the evangelical/Pentecostal/charismatic church. And I agree there are some real frauds out there, and you will always find frauds whenever anything can get you fame and fortune.

And I’ve never really been healed all in one go either. I’ve wanted it, but it’s not the path I’ve been given so far. Though that may change.

But I still believe in it. I’ve met people personally at my church who got healed, we get reports of cancer being gone and other problems too all the time.

One can believe it was all a misdiagnosis, but after the 20th time, you just start to find that a flimsy excuse.

God truly does heal. At my church we know it does not always happen right away, my pastor says he’s known it to be one or two weeks after the initial prayer, my mom’s read of it being 1 or 2 years.

It does not seem to matter too much. We know that the answer to prayer can be delayed, both the book of Daniel and the New Testament say so. For different reasons.

So, if you were wondering, no, I don’t feel 100% today. I feel better than yesterday, thankfully. Yesterday morning I woke up and couldn’t eat, today I ate a bit, usually it’s worse in the mornings and by night I can eat an almost normal meal, like Morning Sickness. Or else I just get so hungry I don’t care anymore.

Half my sick feeling is usually not eating, and I’m working on controlling that, but I am very tired of feeling this way, it all started about a year ago, the first time I had a gagging episode, but I’ve had nausea spells, cramps, and neck pain for most of my life.

I thought my spine realigning would make it better, I was already doing better, and I thought for sure, decreasing the amount of stress on my neck, head, and back would get rid of the tension causing my episodes. My sister massaging my back has often provided some relief, so I thought a professional, definitely.

Instead it was worse than before, I gagged longer, and felt really sick. True, it didn’t last more than 20 minutes or so, and my stomach felt better after a bit of massaging. My chiropractor even walked me through a few things over the phone that seemed to help, though my hunger still upset my stomach. Towards dinnertime I felt almost back to normal, and I actually ate a real meal. This morning I didn’t feel nearly as bad. Good, right?

I have a doctor’s appointment in a few hours to try to find out more about this problem, see the likely solution, and if I can make it better for myself.

I was told, however, not to rely on doctors or medicine, but that God would do a miraculous healing. Which I have been begging for, I hate doctors (not personally, just going) I hate medicine. I used to take pain meds almost every day while suffering stress headaches (which were actually misalignment headaches, in hindsight) and eye strain, and I got to where I felt I was taking it way too much, and it wasn’t even working that well, so I began trying massages, stretches, tea, heating pads, anything natural, and it worked, usually I can get an ache to leave in a few hours if I’m not hormonal (then it’s always harder) with the right treatment.

I always think too, what if one day you have no access to medicine? It’d be much better to know what else to do, wouldn’t it? What did people do before medication? Believe it or not, they were not generally unhealthier than we are now, they just had more diseases without vaccines, and when they need surgery it wasn’t available, so they did die ore, but they didn’t always suffer from the same infirmities more than we do. They had natural remedies that more and more people now are finding work better than medication anyway.

If anything, professional help has added problems to me, I never had jaw aches and headache because of my teeth before I got braces and my jaw line was changed, it still bothers me now, my chiropractor told me my jaw is also out of alignment due to my neck. OF course, no orthodontist ever brought that up, and I even went to one to consult for the headaches. No one said “Oh, if your neck is messed up, your jaw might be pulling on it wrong and causing headaches, sorry we didn’t tell you that before treating you.”

I mean, really, we should require neck evaluations before we make people wear braces or even glasses, because those muscles both on your teeth and eyes, and those things won’t fix all of it. The average Chiropractor visit is still cheaper than either an orthodontist or an eye doctor, figure it out Health Department.

I get it, chiropractors are seen as jokes by many doctors, I read one saying “Don’t ever let those buggers touch you above your neck.”

Well, mine is a full body health specialist, so he’s a bit different, he didn’t jerk my neck or anything crazy. But hey, it’s your fault if you don’t look up who you’re going to before you do.

What I like about the chiropractic option is it relies on your body’s ability to heal itself. Some doctors, bless them, do also take that approach, but many treat the body as a malfunctioning organ that they just need to pump with meds and alter with surgery, and replace parts of, and all that is never gong to work as well as what God designed. 3D printed bones still don’t come close to God’s original, you know why? Our bones produce blood cells, white and red.

I don’t want to get surgery, I can’t afford surgery anyway.

And I don’t want the option some physicians say “Just live with it.” I hate that response, especially from a doctor. I mean, it’s like “Uh, jackass, if you don’t know how to help me, can you suggest a specialists? A nutritionist maybe, don’t just tell me to live with it! What kind of doctor says that!”

Sheesh. Well, no one’s ever told me that, but I read stories.

I believe almost nothing is incurable. Just that cures for many things have been forgotten because chemicals and minerals solve everything now.

And let’s not forget how many toxins we put on our own food now. My family tries to buy healthier stuff at farmer’s markets, but we can’t avoid every pesticide and GMO.

Some people think that certain chemicals in the food are supposed to make us more compliant, I don’t really buy that, but it freaks me out that many food corporations require GMO products and pesticides in their food.

Luckily, where I live, if you’ve got a greenhouse, you can grow anything, all year round, so I don’t really experience the “out of season” problem even with local food, though it does ripen differently depending on the month.

Anyway, that was a tangent, but someone actually asked my about it in my French class, and it is related to health, especially digestive health, like mine, though digesting the food seems fine for me, it’s just eating it.

I’ve told my family that sometimes, for me, even eating is an act of faith. I can feel so ill, and be so afraid of immediately throwing the food back up, that I don’t even want to try.

Let me stress, that’s never actually happened, I’ve probably thrown up less than 20 times in my entire life, and only once did I throw up more than 2 or 3 times while I was actually sick. My stomach functionally seems to be fine, but I’ve always feared doing it. Like I see it as some kind of ultimate defeat.

I know, it’s strange. Throwing up can be a result of so many non serious things, like over eating, over heating, over exercising, etc. that it’s not like I should treat it as a sign I’m dying, but I loathe being nauseated. And this fear makes me do things to end up more nauseated, see how that works? The vicious cycle is again my real problem.

I hope I didn’t gross you out too much, I mean, this is my life, this is what I deal with. I probably don’t seem like that kind of person in writing, I tend to write with more confidence than I actually think I have.

Plus, up until the last year and a half, I wouldn’t have thought of myself as still having this problem, I thought I was over it, till I had to deal with it all the time.

What I really hate is how it steals my joy. I know a girl who’s been dealing with stomach problems for probably 3 years now, and she is still able to be happy and cheerful, at least at church, which perhaps is not saying much but it’s more than I can be when I feel bad. I can never hide it.

Still, and this is the most important part of this post, if you’ve read this far, thanks for listening to my life story here 🙂

but the most imporant thing, is I have realized I have certain blessings I never knew I had before, because of feeling so bad.

My family has been very supportive of helping me find new things to try eating and drinking to help. Paying for doctor visits, since my income is still under $100 a week, if that much. Massaging my aching muscles. Sometimes I’m not very grateful, but I shudder to think what going through this alone would have been like.

There are times I take out my frustration on them, but it’s gotten a lot less, it takes a lot more to really get under my grill than it used to, so I guess my patience has increased.

Another change has simply been I don’t get mad at God. I do get frustrated, I have times of asking Him why this is taking so dang long, why I feel this way, and of begging Him to tell me what to do–and sometimes, He does. God is the best physician after all. Nothing too elaborate, just to eat, to go to the doctor, to not go, etc.

I know for some people who live 20 years with the same problem the idea of going one year and getting frustrated must seem pathetic..or it doesn’t, because maybe at one time, they questioned it and were discouraged.

But honestly, for most of us, myself included, it never occurred to us to question it.

I never really found my stomach and neck problems frustrating, until I found out they might be fixable. Some of you know what I mean, once you know, it’s a thousand times harder to be patient. Resignation is such a powerful killer of restlessness.

And when God tells you to rest, without becoming resigned, it’s freaking hard.

Seriously, there are times I just wish I could give up on the idea of getting better, and try to cope. To say to myself “well, I know there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’ll just have to sit this one out, lie in bed all day, and that’s okay.” It’s not like it’s not tempting, isn’t it? Sometimes even emotionally, we’d like to do that.

But if the reality is, there is something I can do. I can try to find a way. I can believe there is a way, to be better, then aren’t I cheating myself if I resign myself to illness?

From dizzy spells, to stomach problems, to back pain, to skin problems, people accept stuff they don’t really have to live with. We think it’s too expensive, or too much work, or we’re just plain scared.

I relate to all of that. But I will say after months of suffering, you start to feel like none of those reasons are worth it.

So, yes, I’m still going to try.

One more thing, there is something that I’ve done, more because I had to or go insane with self pity, than because I just want to be positive,

But I had to start looking at what I could do.

Did I feel too sick to do everything I normally do today? Maybe, but did I manage to get schoolwork done? Did I write? Did I read? Did I make a YouTube video? Did I manage to run a short errand like buying apples or getting gas.

Most importantly, did I still worship God today? Did I read my Bible?

That’s the real goal of all this stuff, separation from God, and if I don’t give in to that, ultimately, it failed, even if I still felt like crap, but usually, I feel at least a tiny bit better after worship. Scientifically, it boosts your immune system, and I believe releases endorphins.

Anyway, this has been along post (I miss my word count, still don’t know hoe to use it on the new editor) so I’m going to end it here, I hope you got something out of it, until next time–Natasha.

As Good as it Gets (Aligning or Misalignment)

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Well, I’ve had another eye opening week.

I didn’t mention this last time I posted, because I didn’t want to talk about it, but I was dealing with some contracted, tight and sore muscles in some hard to understand areas of my body.

Finally, after about 2 weeks of it, I was fed up, ready to give up, and I decided to get up and go to the Chiropractor. My first time ever, but my parents both went to him and liked him, so I went.

And boy was I sorry I didn’t go sooner.

Turns out I had a crooked tailbone, back, shoulders, and neck. My whole body was at a tilt, pushing my back bones up at an angle. Causing the lower back pain, leg pain, and rib pain I’ve had for years.

For extra fun my brain was getting constricted by the nerves, muscles, and bones at the base of my skull getting knocked off balance by walking for years with uneven legs and shoulders. A condition that can affect mood and the spinal cord…

Yeah, and I couldn’t point my feet out, but I’ve never been able to do that.

Since I was born I moved strangely, a lot of babies get spine injuries while being born. I never crawled right, and I used to walk crooked and bent over. I now stand straighter, but I couldn’t make my feet go straight. Made ballet class real fun. I never liked it.

I’ve never liked working out, and I never could run very far, or stand for very long without my back and legs starting to hurt a lot, and my feet.

People have blamed me for this in the past. My singing instructor thought I should stand still, but it was too physically uncomfortable. I was told I needed more stamina. But even when I was the most fit, it was never the same. When I ran I’d get a stitch must faster than most people usually do.

And I always leaned to one side. Turns out one of my legs was like an inch shorter than the other, just from muscles and bones being out of place.

I get frequent headaches and neck aches, that sometimes seem to cause gagging, and stress me out.

For ages I assumed all this was because I don’t take care of myself, or I’m not fit, or I have weak eyes…or I was just born that way ad couldn’t change it.

But turns out all of it is fixable, over a short period of time. After just two sessions, I can stand and walk in a straight line, I’ve never done that in my memory!

There are some drawbacks. Relieving the pressure and realigning my body has left me with soreness all over, and I got a headache from having my skull adjusted but my neck not enough. I feel better after the second visit, but it may take a few more to finish fixing it, and until then I am likely to still have pain and difficulty adjusting.

But it’s better to hurt because you are healing then because everything is staying the same.

I’m young enough to recover from all this before it created problems like bone loss, according to my chiropractor, but had I waited longer, these problems could have affected my ability to have sex and give birth. Maybe not fatally, but it would have increased the pain and difficulty. Perhaps even given me trouble getting pregnant.

It was scary to hear how narrow an escape I had from far worse consequences. But a blessing to have found a way to heal, far more than I ever thought I would.

I learned a lot from these visits. I am an inquisitive person so I ask questions, my doctors usually love me, an intelligent, informed patient is much easier to work with because they are trying to get better.

I freely admit though, I was terrified to go. I was afraid it wouldn’t work, and I’d just be in more pain and frustration.

And since your pain can linger a while till you’re finished adjusting, I still have to choose to trust the process, to trust my chiropractor, and to believe God guided me to the next step. The idea to go came to me after I prayed to unlock a door to healing.

I know many people are like me, afraid of doctors, I know what it feels like to be afraid to even find out what’s wrong with you, and afraid to hear that they don’t know. (By the way, Urgent Care is crap for anything not a basic, common condition, they’ve helped me with infections, but anything else remotely complicated I’ve had to get other help, so don’t take their word for it if they don’t have a solution.)

I have a phobia about doctors. But I am working on overcoming it.

I was kind of upset that God would not just heal me, miraculously, and with a few lifestyle changes. Specialists are expensive.

But I think I see why God chose to do it this way. There are some people it doesn’t bother to seek help, and they get frustrated, and God heals them to show he is higher than Medicine.

But for me, the problem is not wanting to put enough value on my health to spend money and time on it, something that runs in my family. My father has all kinds of problems that he found got better with a few changes. My grandfather died of a myriad of conditions that could all probably have been prevented if 30 years prior he’d sought out help, he had the money for it.

I also have a grandmother who is a bit of a hypochondriac, and I’ve had that too, it’s much better now.

The point is, I had some very destructive attitudes about my body and health. I inherited the DNA to have the same problems as my family, but most of them could be fixed with a little effort.

And paying $100 a visit for 5-6 visits is still way better than a $30,000+ operation that I might need if I wait. Do the math. I don’t have health insurance, for me this is as good as it gets for pricing.

Let’s talk about that, actually. I watched the Jack Nicholson movie “As Good as it Gets” yesterday (also known as the only Jack Nicholson movie I will probably ever like him in, we’ll see.)

30 Minutes on: "As Good As it Gets" | MZS | Roger Ebert

About halfway through that movie, Melvin, the MC, asks a question that kind of sums up what the film is about “What if this is as good as it gets?”

He has obsessive compulsive disorder. He says and does things with little self control and offends everyone around him.

Also featured in the movie are two character who represent the other aspects of that questions.

Carol, a waitress with a sick son who she can’t afford to take to a specialist, and his constant emergency room visits and fever episodes are for her “as good as it gets.”

And then there’s… I think his name is Sean. Melvin’s neighbor, who’s art career is just not taking off, his parents are estranged form him, and he gets beaten up, robbed, and left in a cast by some addicts needing their fix. For him, it starts to look like his miserable life of failure is “as good as it gets.”

The movie’s solution to this question is to basically say your problems will not go away, but you can take steps to make them better, and in the end still be happy, because happiness doesn’t depend on having no problems, but on surmounting the ones you do have.

One later scene, Melvin bitterly says that it doesn’t bother you that you had it bad, but that other people had it good, and the other two disagree, basically saying it does bother them that they had it bad.

In the end, Melvin starts taking medication and trying to change because he learns he wants to be happier, Carol is able to move on from taking care of her son to letting someone take care of her, and Sean gains confidence that he can rely on friends and his life will eventually get back on track.

The answer being “as good as it gets” may mean “as good as you choose to aim for is what you will get.”

There are some people with chronic conditions that can’t do anything about it, though it’s rarely ever hopeless, and usually there are solutions we just can’t afford…

But the majority of us just give up. We do what my dad once said of his problem “you can just live with the pain.”

I’ve said that to myself. I’ve bargained with it, saying “if the pain could just decrease to this amount, I could live with it.”

But that’s never enough, what I really want is to be better. To be normal.

but the funny thing is about this and my emotional issues I sought help for, is that my normal was never normal.

Just like my body has been misaligned my whole life, my thoughts and feelings also were. It’s quite poetic… of course I believe our spiritual and mental reality affects our body. There’s too many coincidences for it not too.

For me, it’s a new normal, of being normal for the first time. I may finally be able to walk and run without being in pain, to bend my feet out, to crane my neck, for crying out loud.

Ironically, I’ve been told I have good movement in my body despite these problems, but I was never as flexible as my sisters, and I moved more stiffly. I walked more like my dad, who always had aches and soreness.

Just like I may become the happy, strong person I hope to be, and maybe deep down, I already am, but I got jacked up by having a messed up parent.

But in the future I may actually become flexible, it was just this problem holding me back.

The real challenge is not to accept that is has to be the way it is. And if anyone tells you it does, don’t listen to that person.

Really, the Bible itself would suggest we are our own biggest obstacle to healing, those who ask and seek receive.

Even if the woman with the issue of blood had it for 10 years, she got up out of her house and went looking for Jesus, and she got healed. She didn’t say to herself “I’ll just live with it…until I die.”

Commercials always say “Don’t wait for it to become a serious problem, get checked out now” and while it is to sell products, I admit it’s sound advice.

It may not be feasible to do that in every area of life, not all at once, but over time. The person keeping you from having an abundant life may really be you.

I know that many of us have other people who crate obstacles for us, and I acknowledge it’s more of a challenge, but I don’t believe it’s impossible, you can get out of that situation.

Anyone who can read this post and has internet access can reach out for help, where there’s a will there’s a way.

I think I’ll wrap this up now, until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

How do I know what I believe is True?

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One philosophy you hear a lot nowadays is that we should respect each other’s beliefs because all beliefs are equally good.

I don’t know anyone who actually believes that, but I do hear plenty of people try to end arguments with it.

Nobody interested in discussion could actually believe that line. Go into any forum online and find people arguing about the dumbest crap imaginable, and see how right they think they are.

“Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” (Proverbs 26:12)

But as G. K. Chesterton said “There is a thought that destroys thought.”

I could get into all that today, but it’s more of a lead in to what I really want to talk about:

Since people do make the claim quite often that Christians avoid hard questions about their faith, I try to occasionally tackle them on this blog, just to show I’m not afraid of it and there are answers.

Today, I was thinking of a question that sometimes bothers me, and has since I was a kid.

Which is: In all the myriad of philosophies, theologies, and ideologies out there, how can you know that you’ve found the one and only correct one?

Problem and Solution: The many versions of Christianity.

Actually, my sister was recently in a YouTube thread debate where one particularly angry person demanded how Christians could know we were right when there’s like 30,000 sects of Christianity out there, who all think they’re right.

Firstly, while that’s a good question, I have to point out it’s not a good litmus test. There’s sects of every single religious and worldview, even the secular ones. Honestly, the more compelling it is, the more sects there are because people are always anxious to make their own version of the really compelling stuff.

Consider a Religion to be like a piece of art, a really good movie, for example. There’s always hundreds of knock-offs, some that do a good job parodying the original, some that make you question how anyone could ever like this kind of crap, but there’s imitators, rip-offs, and paying homage to the legacy. That’s just with something as small as a movie, or a painting.

I mean, Mr. Peabody features a cartoon version of the Mona Lisa because it’s such a great piece of artwork, doesn’t make it accurate, but the imitation is proof of the original’s far reaching influence, over half a millennium of time thereabouts.

So, if there truly are around 30,000 sects of Christianity, it only shows how many people find the core of it to be true, even if the trimmings and trappings cause division. Like how C. S. Lewis, Chesterton, and many others can write books summarizing the key components of Christianity that we all can and should agree on if we believe the Bible, but they have different beliefs about practice.

I know nowadays two powerful apologetics ministries, and one believes you can use the basic prayer that people put on tracts in order to lead someone to God, and the other believes that’s wrong and you should have them pray from their own hearts. Both oft em are very successful, honest organizations that really believe in what they are doing.

Personally, do I have a preference? Sure. But I don’t feel it’s worth arguing over. The Bible doesn’t say how you have to do it, and people should go with what they feel is genuine.

Actually, did you know the Bible says all you have to do to be saved is “Confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and Believe in your heart that God raised Him from the Dead” (Romans) So, that’s pretty open to interpretation of how you could do it.

The need for the absolute truth

However, there is a huge difference between saying people have their own paths to the Truth, and saying that Truth itself has different paths. And paths to what? When you make truth a means to an end instead of the end itself, what exactly is the use of knowing it?

Meditation on happy things just because they make you feel happy (the gist of most Eastern meditation as we in the West now practice it) is rather pointless if they are not in reality, True.

I’ve never been comfortable with that idea, I have to have a truth to think on, I can’t just think. I get really stressed if I just think.

So, that said. How do I know that what I believe is right? How can I have the most true version of Christianity.

Well, it is probaly arrogant to assume I do. But here’s how I try to shape my worldview to make it at least as accurate as I can.

Tests I apply to my Worldview.

When I decide to believe a doctrine, I don’t just do it because I grew up hearing it. I have parents who read, study, and think critically a lot, so I usually give their opinions a good deal of weight. Unlike many kids, I can count on my parents having read about whatever they tell me is rue, and compared it to other opinions. They have blind spots, true, but they try at least to do their homework.

In fact, it was weird to me when I got old enough to realize most parents don’t actually study to see if what they tell their kids is true or not. They just tell them whatever they’ve heard themselves. (Ah, homeschooling, the most beneficial form of education to this day).

I can’t name any real differences in what I believe and what my mom believes, though I can with my dad.

One: Study

But I didn’t just assume my mom was right. I read the books too. I read a lot of books about Christian doctrine as a teen, and I still do as an adult. I am always excited to find if someone has seen something I haven’t. God tends to end my certain books right at the time a new chapter in my life is opening and I need them.

When I read “Orthodoxy” someone else had finally put into words what I had felt about my faith and it’s all encompassing nature, and it was at a time when I was about to enter some very secular, anti-religious Philosophy and later History classes. It helped me to have that fresh in my mind, and I was able to use it to see my way clear through the confusion.

Test 2: Credibility (primary and secondary theology)

When I find a really good book, by an author I believe to be genuine, I am much more likely to include it in my doctrine. C. S. Lewis was a man whose personal character can be attested to by so many of his peers, students, and predecessors that I have little doubt he really believed what he wrote.

Plus, I can check it against scripture.

Most importantly, when I find a bunch of good, well studied men have agreed on certain points, I am more likely to give it credibility.

Lewis, Chesterton, MacDonald, and others all had similar ideas of Chioice, Free Will, Love, ad needing to see the Beauty in Life to be able to see the Beauty in God. While I cannot find Bible verses to specifically state what they write about it, I can look at life and see how often people act just the way they describe, and how their reasons seem to make the most sense to me as to why.

While the Bible does not state it in so many words, it does support those principles.

See this is the trick with secondhand theology.

Firsthand theology is what the Bible clearly says, anyone who breaks from it is just a heretic, plain and simple. Someone who denies Jesus was raised from the dead, that Adam and eve were the first humans, that Gay Marriage is not expressly forbidden, those people are heretics. It’s simply not in there.

Secondhand theology is about the less vital stuff, but the stuff you live your life around. What to eat, what to wear, how to do church, how to do charity, how to raise your children.

The Bible is appropriately less specific here because any sensible person knows its gong to be different in different countries, times, and situations.

That’s where theologians and moralists come in, to give us principles that will work best in the most cases, and trust us to figure out the exceptions. That’s why if I read a Christian author who seems to feel it’s their way or the high way, I immediately take it less seriously, because they may not know all the situations that could prove their way doesn’t work.

An example here would be the very popular “Five Love Languages” books, that most Christians have heard of in the West, and some nonchristians too. I read it over and over, and used to believe it was infallible, it makes sense, after all. People are different, you got to love them differently.

I now have learned if an author every uses words like “we have overlooked a very crucial truth” about what they claim is their own discovery, there’s usually a reason it was overlooked.

Chesterton’s confession that he tried to come up with his own religion, and found out it was only “orthodoxy” is much more honest.

Do Love Languages exist? Of course, just like people like different colors and foods, they like different expressions of love. But it’s not a fix-all anymore than knowing your spouse’s favorite color means you can buy them clothes they will like.

Okay, so that’s basically how I do this. I do plenty of my own thinking about stuff also, especially when I see a really difficult question.

But at bottom, any honest person know they can always find people to back up their views, you can read selectively, you can go to a Church that’s an echo chamber for your own thoughts. I’ve seen that result in a lot of tension in my family, and others over the years. A lot of personal stress too.

One of my least favorite tests that God seems to like to use is the test of Trouble.

Test 3: Trouble (suffering, loss, disappointment, etc.)

When I’m in pain, emotional or physical, doesn’t matter, what I fall back on, what actually keeps me going, what pulls me out of that hole, whatever those truths are, those are the ones I know work. I know because I had to either learn that or die, at least so it felt.

For me, failure in knowing the truth is not an option.

(I wish I had a T-shirt that said that.)

People who say you don’t need to have an ultimate truth to live are liars, or they’re idiots, or they’ve had a carefree life. There are times when you look into that black abyss in your soul, and there is nothing in it to give you any inkling what you should do to even get up off the floor, and it’s then that you know if you didn’t have a Solid Rock to stand on, you’d fall, and never stop falling.

Very angsty I know, but that’s how it feels, isn’t it?

However, I wish I could say that test is foolproof, but it’s not. Our will to live and be happy is strong, and humans can pull themselves up, or pull each other up, and still not know the real truth. Those people are still generally closer to it than others, but it doesn’t make them Right.

If so, every cruel person who survived their messed up childhood would be right.

Test 4: Conscience, (i. e. What points us to that way of life we know deep down is right.)

When what we fall back on is Truth, it will be pointing us to a certain way of life that we all know, deep down, is true.

Whether they admit it or not, every human knows that Love is the only true way of life that’s acceptable, either to ourselves, each other, or God.

What we fall back on can either make us more loving, or more selfish. We may feel both to be true. We have to choose.

There are times when it seems like Christianity works for everyone except me and my family.

I look at happier families who had much more functional parents than mind, and they say it’s because of God.

I look at people who got delivered of their physical ailments and emotional issues, while I am still waiting.

I look at people who are achieving big things that I want to be able to do.

And then I look at the people I know who’s home lives are worse than mine, who have been sick a lot longer with far worse problems then mine, and who have had way more set backs in their goals. And I conclude, we just can’t measure Truth by how well our lives are going.

Truth will stand all of these tests. If something fails one of them, it’s just not true, a nice thought, but not true. At the very most it might be partially true because it connects to a Higher Truth, like the “power of positive thinking” mantra can be helpful because there is a power in gratitude and praise…but it will not prevent hardship in your life, nor remove it, as some claim.

Final Test: Consistency

The final test of Worldview I apply is more like being able to see if anything in your worldview is hypocritical. If what you fall back on one time is literally the opposite of what you do another time. Like it’s okay to lie when it’s convenient for you, but not when it was convenient for someone else. Or even more subtly, you may claim all truth is equal, and then protest that racism is wrong because all people are equal, i. e. a statement that requires a belief in the absolute truth that Equality is a Good Thing.

(And yes, I know people close to me who will make that exact argument and admit it’s hypocritical in a way, but still make it.)

I guess I took a long time to explain this, but basically, whatever I write on here, most of it is stuff I’ve tested by all the above measures. Or seen tested by other people.

If I have some blind spots, I’ll find out when I meet God face to face, but by then I don’t know if it will matter anymore.

I hope you enjoyed this and found something in it maybe you hadn’t heard before, until next time, stay honest-Natasha.

An existential crisis and other things.

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 I might like Evanescence…who knew?

Well, I got a job at last. Yay!

My performance anxiety is still kicking in over whether I can maintain this one, it’s pretty hard to mess it up, the first day went mostly smoothly, but I lost my last job because I dusted a bookcase wrong, so I realized anew how temperamental people can be. That’s unusually picky, but still…

Especially in childcare, it’s hard.

Oh yeah, so I am working as a Nanny. I prefer that word to babysitter, since technically, the parents are still at home (mostly the case right now) but a lot of people need extra help.

It’s funny to me because I was homeschooled by a stay-at-home Mom, and we rarely got a babysitter. My dad never taught us, and rarely was home with us alone, so My mom didn’t get a break very often, somehow she stayed sane and manged to cook us dinner.

Now, some things got let slide, I can’t say we were very neat kids, and we’d go through phases of fighting a lot. There’s three of us girls.

But even so, it wasn’t bad. We were always well behaved kids, usually, in public. Of course, our parents believed in spanking.

Now, it’s weird for me to go to work for other families, and no one spanks, many people have only one child, and don’t leave their kids alone ever. My mom used to let us play for hours outside or in our room unsupervised, she knew we wouldn’t try to do anything stupid.

Now even if parents are in the house, they want someone to watch their kids while they work. I guess I can understand that, my mom didn’t work, and now she works out of home, not the same thing. Though she did lots of volunteer stuff with us there, and she never found us distracting. Heck, she taught me to help out the adults and she didn’t mind if other people were watching us more than her. I never supposed that was unusual until I got older and found out it’s rare. Rare in my culture anyway, in some parts of the country that might be fairly standard.

I admit in the American West, it’s seen as good parenting to be constantly around your child, involved, attentive to their emotions, etc. In the Midwest or East, it can be more about the child becoming independent and sensible early on, not needing to be carried through life.

There’s something to be said for both, I’ve heard that in cultures where kids are coddled and held more, stress levels are lower later in life; but what comes with that is also a lack of independence from other people, free thinking, or willingness to break from your community even when it’s going the wrong way.

America’s emphasis on independence drove its citizens to become stronger on their own, if the community is less strong than in other countries, we always felt it was wroth it to be free and preserve our Moral Integrity. That’s going away, but it’s not bringing unity. We now have a belief in independence without the reasons independence was ever important.

In the end, the American Dream was originally that if you had to leave your family to follow your beliefs, you could, and the early Pilgrims recognized that Religion has to come over all else, if it’s going to be real. It’s part of Christian Doctrine not to love anything more than God.

I won’t say that’s a less stressful life, but God has never promised us a less stressful life, and stress is not always bad. It can be, but the right kind of pressure makes us into better people, more than anything else can.

I was thinking today how lately it’s hard for me to know what to say when someone asks me “How are you?”

How can I put “I think I’m good, but I don’t really know how I am one day to another, and I’m confused, and I’m up and down, and I’m great, and I’ve never been so strange to myself” into a glib response that someone will accept? 

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I feel like I’m having an existential crisis… and yet I’m not.

It’s funny, I’ve been questioning what does make my life worth it. I guess when you have intrusive thoughts about suicide, and you choose not to follow them, to reject that as being what you are, then the next logical step is to wonder why. What’s driving you? What’s making you different from thousands of people worldwide? What do you have that they don’t? Is it arrogant to think you can conquer a problem so many people fail to beat?

I know I can’t be the only one who feels that way. I remember when I read “Soul Surfer” Bethany Hamilton described wondering why it was her, but not in an angry way, just like she wanted to know the grander purpose of what happened to her. And it was weird to many people that she wasn’t more devastated.

What if your feelings just don’t make any sense?

Even my therapist can’t figure me out every time.

I remember one of the recent episodes of Fruits Basket (I will probably review that show once season 2 ends) had a moment where two characters met each other, and the curse of their family took hold. They felt “Beloved, Hated, Drawn, Repulsed” at the same time.

That’s so accurate to the life of a victim of abuse. Both toward your abuser and to the rest of life, you feel drawn and repelled at the same time. You love them, you hate them. You want more, you want nothing.

Abuse is perhaps the most contradictory kind of brokenness in the human experience, because the nature of it is to be contradictory, to combine love and hate in an unholy way that never should exist.

I love my Dad still, a lot, and don’t want him to suffer, yet I want him to feel the weight of what he did to me, even if it hurts him, and I don’t want to see him, or talk to him. What do you make of those feelings?

I want to live, but I don’t want to live the same way I always have. I do many things, but I don’t know why I’m really doing them anymore, I don’t know if I believe they matter to anyone in the long run. 

“Vanity, vanity, all is vanity” Ecclesiastes says.

I am a student, I am a blogger. I have a YouTube channel. I read, I write on average 10 pages a day by hand, I knit, I watch kids, I go to Church. I dance. I sing.

I have goals and dreams and things I want to do, and I wonder why I want to do them. Won’t the end be I’ll feel the same as I did before? Are they just escapes? Isn’t everyday life the only real experience I will ever have.

One of my favorite things about the Bible is how much it lacks false sentimentality. You won’t read the fairytale , wishful thinking mindset in the Bible. None of this “escape” stuff.

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When the Bible has heights, it claims those as fully real, as normal as the lows. When things are dull, the Bible records them as faithfully as when things are exciting. We have whole books of Laws, Numbers, and History. We have books of Spiritual Revelation. We have a book about sex that beats any porn crap, both pure and passionate. (Did you know the Bible had a book about sex? A lot of people don’t know that.)

The Bible sees everything as important, it treats life as a journey, I picked up that attitude and I’ve always been less discouraged in my life because of that.

I guess right now, I’ve just had doubts about whether the Bible is right. Is my life a journey? Or it is dull. Don’t thousands lives never go anywhere? (At least in our eyes).

You have to really learn that you can’t know everything, if you want to make it through life sane.

I recently reread Ecclesiastes all the way through, I noticed that what that book is about is how the World’s pleasures, and man’s own pursuit of knowledge and wisdom, do not satisfy us. They don’t make us happy. Indeed, the end sum of wisdom is realizing everything is empty. That’s why Eastern religions have their goal as to be removed from the world and other people, they have reached the pinnacle of man’s wisdom.

Yet it’s strange that the Preacher in Ecclesiastes says to still do our work, because it is what God has given us to do, even if there is no point in it, because good things happen to both the good and the wicked person, and so do bad things, and we can take nothing with us.

It wasn’t until Jesus, the only man wiser than Solomon, that we got the answer s to why God would have us still spend time on earthly things. Jesus told us that we could lay up treasure in heaven for ourselves by our faith and works here.

The Bible does not teach that we are saved by works, but that we are rewarded for them. We can be saved even if our works are empty, but it shows our faithfulness to God is they were of value. 

And of course, human beings are not earthly things, strictly speaking, and we need to be concerned about each other.

Still, there are times I feel I am failing even at that, that I’ve hit a dry place in my life where I have nothing to give, and no one would appreciate anything I have to say. Like I’m just using other people for life support, but am myself a vegetable, emotionally or spiritually speaking.

I don’t know how true that is, but I suppose even if it was, everyone has seasons like that.

What I think God wants of me is to decide that even if I see no point in anything I’m doing, I will trust him, because I know He does have a plan. And that’s all I need to know, I don’t need to know what it is.

And even if I am not doing any other thing worth doing, if I Love God, and He Loves Me, then life is still worthwhile. Like the end of “Groundhog Day” when every day is the same, he realizes, the only thing with lasting meaning is Love. Love isn’t bound by time, or repetition, or memory.This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is groundhog_day.jpg

Like with Mary of Bethany, it is better to sit at God’s feet and worship, then to be busy doing everything for Him, but nothing with Him.

It’s easy to write that, easy to tell people to do that, it is not easy at all to do it.

It is amazing how it can take the most strength to be still.

Again, all the most true things are the ones we’ve heard so many times and just never understood the meaning of.

Maybe it was good for me to realize all this now. Rather than chase these things for decades of my life only to understand at the very end why they didn’t matter without God’s purpose.

Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.