Book Break Down: Till We Have Faces

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So I’ve analyzed movies and songs on this blog, but surprisingly, I rarely ever talk about books, and I grew up being more of a reader than a watcher, we didn’t even have TV for years. [Honestly, I don’t watch TV itself now, I stream so I can pick the shows, but, who doesn’t now?]

Anyway, I still read, I try to read at least one book a month if I can, and I log the books to keep track.

And one I read every year usually, is my all time favorite book “Till We Have Faces” by C. S. Lewis.

Lewis is my favorite author anyway, but this book is his best work of fiction in my opinion, and some other critics agree.

It’s not as novel as his space trilogy, but it’s far easier to read and had much deeper themes that are not as…theoretical as those books, (if you read them you’ll get what I mean, but I’m not talking about those ones.)

But you’re not here for me to just talk about Lewis, let’s dive into the book itself:

Plot and Concept:

In brief terms, “Till We Have Faces” is a re-telling of the myth, my favorite myth as it happens, of Psyche and Cupid, or Eros, if you prefer the correct name.

The myth itself has strong Christian undertones, considering it’s a pagan myth, as the symbolism of it is basically that our soul (which is what psyche means) must be united with Love (Cupid) to become immortal. There also a part when Cupid raises Psyche from the dead after she descends into the underworld to bring beauty to Aphrodite, the goddess who represents lustful love instead of true romantic love, or perhaps superficial love to be more accurate.

Psyche and Eros have a divine child whose name means ‘joy’ which shows how the product of the soul meeting love is Joy.

The story features two jealous sisters, so it is like a tweaked Cinderella story, but also a tweaked Beauty and the Beast. These kinds of stories run all over myths and legends across the world, makes me wonder if there was a common root that did actually happen.

Psyche is alone and unable to marry because people treat her as goddess instead of a person, so an oracle prophecies that she will marry a monster feared by both gods and man, but this turns out to be a riddle that means Cupid, since love is powerful enough to make both gods and humans do things they would normally do (and Greek myths are full of the God doing dumb things because of ‘love’).

A pretty cool story on its own, really, but Lewis’ retelling is masterful.

In Lewis’ retelling, Psyche is instead sacrificed to Ungit, the name he gives Aphrodite, the goddess who represents animal, profane love that only takes and takes and gives nothing back.

But Psyche is rescued by The West Wind god, and taken to the god of the grey mountain, who is Eros in this story.

They are wed, and she lives happy but Orual, her older sister who is uglier than any other woman in the world, finds out about it and is jealous of her, though she thinks it is not jealous.

To make a very complex story short, Orual forces Psyche, by her love, to betray the god of the mountain, and Psyche is sent into exile as punishment, while Orual is told that she “will know herself and her work, and she also shall be psyche.”

Orual is not sure what this means, and instead of being doomed, she becomes the Queen of her country, Glome, in the next week, and rules for many years, trying to bury the pain of the memories of Psyche and what the God told her.

The Conflict:

Finally, Orual hears the story of Psyche and herself retold, but in the original fashion of the real myth and it infuriates her, so she writes a book, which is the book we the audience are reading, of a complaint against the gods, putting it to us like a case to be heard, hoping that some Greek, who speak more freely of the gods that her own people, I’ll read it and judge.

After she writes the book, she begins to have mysterious visions from the gods of things happen to her, that also happen to Psyche, in the myth, only for her they are much harder and more painful.

She begins to also learn from the people around her that she’s lived her life devouring the lives of others, as she was always bitter that she was ugly and could never marry or have children, so she obsesses over a married man who she loved, and she kept her adopted father, the Fox, in Glome with her isn’t sending him home, and she abandoned her other sister Redival, in order to have Psyche all to herself. And she wanted Psyche to love her just as obsessively, instead of in a normal, healthy way.

One of the most striking moments of the book, early on, before all this, in which Psyche says to her

“You are indeed teaching me about kinds of love I did not know. It is like looking into a deep pit. I am not sure whether I like your kind better than hatred.” [Chapter 14]

Later, after seeing the visions, Orual is taken to the court of the gods and her case is read.

As she hears her own voice saying the true words of her soul, she realizes that she only ever wanted to devour Pschye’s love, to possess it all for herself, she never truly loved her unselfishly. The gods gave her chances to do so, but she rejected them all and instead blames the gods for luring Psyche away by their beauty and their goodness that she didn’t understand.

After this, she is shown all the thing Psyche suffered for her sake and then, she is taken to meet the god of the grey mountain, and Psyche also meets her and forgives her, and give her the beauty of death (but death to the profane love of Ungit, not literal death) and Orual sees her reflection changed to be beautiful, and then she hears the words: “You also are psyche.”

She then wakes up and writes in the book that she knows why the gods don’t speak to us face to face, because they can’t ’till we have faces?’ (A line that always gives me chills).

Meaning that, until we know what we really mean, and not just what we think we mean, they cannot be open with us, since we cannot be open with them.

She also writes that she knows now that the god of the mountain did not give her an answer, because he is the answer.

Christians will spot the characteristic that we assign to Jesus here, as that is the metaphor of the god.

Context:

I think you could understand this book without knowing anything about Lewis, if you have a good understanding of the idea of love, and real love versus selfish or toxic love.

However, I’ve seen many people review the book who said they did not fully understand the ending, or all the themes.

When I read it the first time, I understood it by the time I got to the end, and every time after that, when I read it, I understood it better. Especially after I read “The Four Loves” by Lewis also.

Lewis has a fictional version of pretty much all of his non-fiction books of theology and philosophy, which not a lot of people know. This book is his fictional version of “The Four Loves”, as well as some parts of “The Weight of Glory” and “Mere Christianity.”

You can find some of this in his fictional book “The Great Divorce,” but this book is his magnum opus of writing about love, so I always refer back to it the most.

To understand the ending of the book, as well as the conflict you need to know the Lewis believed that true love, charity or agape, as he called it (the Greek word for unselfish, unconditional love is agape) was the holy kind that has to come into every other kind of love to make it good.

And the human love, which is ‘need’ love’, he says, will become devilish, if left to itself.

He give examples of such, how things like affection (family love, also called storge), can keep people under the control of their family if they are left to themselves; how friendship love (phileo) can be snobbish and exclusive and also corrupt people because it puts the friendship above doing the right thing; and how romantic love (eros) can corrupt people even more by being so exciting that it makes them do things like cheat, lie, and steal, all in the name of love.

And some people are even cruel to the one they love, because they think love makes it okay.

In each case, he points out that the love doesn’t have to be evil, but when all other things are put aside, all moral and rational limitations to it, then all loves becomes evil.

Agape love can’t be evil because the basis of it is that it loves you freely, it doesn’t ask for anything back, it doesn’t need anything from you, and it doesn’t demand you do what it wants. It’s love free from the temptation to be possessive.

Obviously, he points out, no human being can perfectly live in that state of love at all times.

It’s not necessarily bad, to need each other. As in this life, we will need each other, and most people like to feel needed. Being completely independent of people is more selfish than needing them a little bit is.

But when that need becomes all we can think of, and we can never put it aside even if it’s hurting the other person, then the love is demonic. Or profane, as some people put it.

Now we usually say toxic. I like profane better.

Toxic love can be negligent in a relationship, if it’s not too big a part of it. We like to joke these days about toxic traits, but most toxic traits, in small amounts, won’t ruin a relationship. If the other person understands you and is willing to overlook, and you do the same for them, then it won’t really matter in the long run, though you should definitely still try to improve.

But profane love is where there is nothing but that. Toxic love that has poisoned the entire relationship, the kind narcissistic people have. They cannot ever love you with anything but that kind of love.

Even when they act like they’re doing something unselfish, they expect you to pay them back for it in some way.

To me, this book was life changing. I read “The Four Loves” I think after I had read this book, but when I went back and re-read it, I saw how brilliantly Lewis wove the themes of those principles in the story.

Orual, once you know how to look for it, is a huge example of profane love. Yet she’s not hateable. She had good points– he still made her believably human.

Her ugliness, which I saw complained about by some readers, is symbolic. It’s meant to show how her love is ugly and profane as her face is, and when she is freed from that love, she is freed form her ugliness also, at least, spiritually.

There are also other favorite themes of Lewis in the book, such as how important reason is, represented by the Fox’s character who is a Greek Philosophy lover.

Also some very sharp insights into how cruel men are often hiding insecurities, and bitter women are hiding jealously.

Not that it can’t go both ways, it can, and it does, sometimes.

There are also ideas of sin, and repentance in there. As Orual must die before she dies to escape Ungit, who represents carnal sin and love, and it’s said that even Psyche, who was a nearly perfect human, had to die and escape her as well. How they have to gather the beauty of the gods without effort, because no effort of theirs could get it, and how we have to resist temptation to give into the pressures other people put on us, even when we love them, if it means disobeying God, because God comes first.

Lewis goes into more detail on these themes in “The Four Loves”, but the book portrays this so poignantly, that it’s impossible not to see yourself in some of what Orual says and does.

Personal Impact:

I’m not kidding when I say that this book changed my life. I read it maybe a few months to a year after I became a Christian, and my relationship with my family was still a wreck at that point.

A lot of that was my dad’s fault, I certainly saw him in the abusive father in the book, but, the book showed me the things that I did and said that were like my dad, and things that weren’t like him, but they were still wrong. It made me see my relationship with God differently also.

C. S Lewis believed that we can never see ourselves clearly, or our sin, that we can never be fully aware of how bad it is, or how good God is, but only see dimly. This is probably true, as the Bible says similar things.

That idea helped me to be more humble when I prayed, not always, and I’m not always now, but at least I had the concept fully rooted in my mind that I could never fully know myself enough to know if God was wrong to do as He did. Also to question my motives for things whenever I started whining about not being treated fairly; sure sometimes, it’s valid to say you deserve better; but you have to watch to make sure yours not demanding something just because you want it, and not because it would be best.

The book didn’t make me neglect my own well being, as some people say Christianity teaches people to do, if anything I think it helps me understand why my father was wrong and I needed to cut ties with him as an adult. Other teachings I heard sometimes made me think I needed to put up with his abuse, but not this book.

It also always reminded me that the answers in God are often found more just by knowing him more than by mere logic. Not that logic isn’t good, Lewis loved logic and reason, but often we find it’s limited, since we are humans, and everything we do is limited. Sometimes you have to go beyond just pure reason to understand things.

Criticisms:

People have accused this book of being sexist because of the many things Orual says against women and as an ugly woman.

I think that’s because they don’t read Lewis’ other books. Lewis was not sexist (at least not for his era) and he had many women students and married a woman who he admitted often won arguments with him very easily. He actually liked that about her (and he dedicated this book to her, in fact, since she held him come up with concept).

He puts himself into the mindset of a bitter woman so well I’m often shocked when I read it, as mostly when male authors try to write how women feel, they fail miserably, in my experience, because they think of it as a woman instead of person.

As a woman, I could relate to Orual, though I’m not ugly, but as someone with a bad father, and who’s been rejected often for reasons beyond my control, I could still identify with her bitterness and sadness.

As well as her wish to assuage that by grabbing at whatever she could.

I don’t find this sexist. Men do it as well, and men can see themselves in this book just as easily as a woman can. The remarks Orual makes about women are from her own bitterness, and made because the character narrates the book, they are not Lewis’ actual opinion on things.

He was very good at making even characters who disagreed with him feel real and if you read his other books all of his characters feel like real people you could meet, except the ones who are sometimes wiser and more noble than humans usually are.

The other complaint is the themes are hard to understand.

Well, they can be. They were not as hard when he wrote it, more people had read the myth, and more people were writing other works with similar themes at the time.

I think it was still very complex, even then, but to our barely literate culture now, it is hard to understand.

That said, it’s still an easy read, full of fun language that’s not too old fashioned for most fantasy lovers to read, and fun characters.

I don’t recommend letting a child read it since it talks about sex more openly than his other books do, but he didn’t write it to be a children’s book.

I would say though, any child 12 and up could probably handle this book, since it’s not too explicit and that’s the age most kids start being more self aware about how they act, so that’s when it would help to read books like this.

I was about 14 when I read it the first time, and I understood it, but I was very literate for my age, so if parents are going to let their child read this, I’d say to use your own discretion.

Closing thoughts:

There are not many books like “Till We Have Faces” anymore. It’s a level of parody and fantasy writing that most authors just can’t achieve in the modern era, because they haven’t read enough books like it.

Its deep themes are timeless, and everyday problems, not ones that only intellectuals would care about.

The ideas of love within family and romantic relationships are ones we all can learn from, as well as how we isolate ourselves in our own minds, when we’re bitter and angry about our lot in life.

So I recommend reading it even if it’s not your usual thing.

You can find an audio book version if reading isn’t your thing, and I recommend doing that, because this book is too good to miss if you like fiction and especially if you like myths and symbolism.

I’d like to close with a few more memorable quotes:

“Don’t you think the things people are most ashamed of are the things they can’t help.”– Psyche.

“You must die before you die,”– the god.

“Who can feel ugly when the heart meets delight?”– Orual

“And in that far distant day when the gods become wholly beautiful, or we at last are shown how beautiful they always were, this will happen more and more. For mortals, you see, will become more and more jealous. And mother and wife and child and friend will all be in league to keep a soul from being united with the Divine Nature.”– The Fox

Thanks for reading, and stay honest– Natasha.

Have my political views changed?

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Daily writing prompt
How have your political views changed over time?
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My basic views have never changed that much, since they were based on strong principles of my faith, which I’ve also never changed, though I have questioned it.

I am more open to thinking there is more than one right way to do things for a country, as long as some basic principles are always adhered to.

Like one side thinks one solution works, the other has a different one, maybe either could work if done the right way.

I do have a problem with hypocrisy though, if people on any political spectrum say one thing, but do another, or only try to help one group, but ignore another, then I think it’s wrong.

I have become a bit more centrist I think than my parents, but, not enough to really cause conflict. My conflict is with extremists in any group, not with the rational minded people in them who can compromise.

If that answers the prompt, I’m not sure, it’s kind of a tough one for me.

My perfect reading/writing space

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Daily writing prompt
You get to build your perfect space for reading and writing. What’s it like?
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Did we answer this one already?

Well, it would be a brightly lit room with a window, but thick curtains if I want it dim, plenty of lamps by a chair, a sofa, and a bean bag so I can sit wherever I want.

A comfy desk with lots of room for pens, paper, and a charging port for my laptop and phone.

Lots of wall space for posters about writing, or lists of ideas. Maybe a cork board for research and plot point notes.

And at least 3 books shelves to put my old writing projects, and books I use for inspiration.

Also maybe a calendar with quotes from famous authors or philosophers on it.

The color of this room would be different shades of blue, maybe with white accents. Blue soothes my soul.

And I’d also have a spot for music since I like to listen to music when I write, and other stuff while I edit.

Hey, maybe someday I can create this room for real, if I ever get my own house/apartment.

Net Worth

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I know I’ve been MIA for a while. Life got crazy, and often this blog ends up on the back burner.

But I’ve been happy to see a lot of people are still visiting it anyway. Thank you all for your support.

This year has been one of the hardest I’ve gone through since before my dad moved out.

Just a list of things that have happened:

  1. I went to the ER while on vacation.
  2. My new (used) car needed two major repairs within the same year and a few smaller ones.
  3. I lost one job and wasn’t able to continue the other because of school work being too much.
  4. I had an ear infection that cost me some of my hearing in one ear.
  5. I had my laptop break down and it took three tries to find a replacement.
  6. I cut off my dad again.
  7. My cat disappeared for 4-5 days straight (luckily someone found her).
  8. Debit card got hacked and I had to freeze it.

Honestly, there was more, I just can’t remember it all at once.

At the same time, I did accomplish some cool things this year.

I had three yard sales that raised near to $1000 in total that helped me repay my car debt.

I had friends who contributed to a GoFundMe for another $600.

I was able to finish some stories and start a podcast.

I organized almost my entire house, cleared out the garage, got rid of unnecessary things, sold others, and fumigated our shed for termites (all with my families help).

We cleared out our storage unit also so we don’t have to pay for that anymore.

Despite all the setbacks, I was able to set aside some money.

Thankfully, I caught the debit card fraud before anyone used it to buy something.

A friend of ours at church actually gave my sisters and I each $100 to start investing with, just out of a wish to help us out.

Somehow, though I’ve been wrecked financially, I’ve still had enough to cover my basic needs. I cut down on spending, but was able to find other methods to get stuff, and my family has been nice about paying for things when I can’t.

Through all this, I admit, it’s been hard to feel like God is really helping me. Not because I haven’t had blessings, but because they have not been what I wanted.

I really wish to be more financial stable, even if I can’t be fully independent. I wish to have a different job in childcare, one I could actually grow in.

I wish to have accomplished more in my life than I have.

I wish I wasn’t single still at 27.

The fact is, I wanted a family by this age, I wanted a better job. I never imagined I’d still be in nearly the same financial place now as I was when I was 20.

“Try everything” like the Shakira song says has been my motto this year.

I have learned a lot, I admit.

I’ve heard that if you end up in the same place over and over again, it’s because you haven’t yet learned what God wants you to learn from it.

The truth is, my idea of success is too important to me.

Blame it on my dad for beating into my head (against my will, really), that jobs were all important. He criticized me so much for not having one, and not looking for one once I’d realized my methods didn’t wokr in the modern job market (once I switched to online job sites, I had success finally, but he never told me to do that). He also used to say he wanted to kill himself when work was bad.

He and my mother also made some poor financial choices and didn’t always think ahead, though they had some back ups, but we had to file for bankruptcy when I was 9-11. And we moved, not for the last time.

I had a life coach briefly also who blamed me for not having a job when I told her the same thing I told my dad… she wan’s my life coach after that point. The 30 minute long lecture I don’t ask for just killed it for me.

My dad also encouraged me to put up with toxic bosses which led to my first several jobs being very unhealthy ones.

So yeah, I wasn’t set up to take this job thing lightly. Even when I know it’s not my fault and the market is bad, I find it hard not to take it personally.

When work is going well, I tend to feel good about everything else, and when it’s not…I feel depresesed.

Funny, I always thought my dad’s attitude towards it was stupid, but now I’ve found it hard not to adopt it.

So, maybe, God has allowed this reoccurring joblessness in my life to teach me both how ot rely on other people (as I’ve had no choice but to do), and to not make jobs all important.

I can’t say I’m happy about it, but I’ve gone on with my life, chosen to pursue hobbies, home organizing, doing what I can when I can’t work, to keep busy and productive and not to see it as only worth doing if I’m making money.

I have many days where I still feel stressed about it, and I’ve had dozens, if not hundreds of set backs on this journey.

Still, I know that many people wish they could have what I have. I don’t have to pay rent since I live with my grandma still. I have support. I’ve been able to pursue my interests because of free time.

Is it really so bad?

The truth is, I know it’s not as bad as it feels.

I wish, honestly, that I could be as grateful all the time, and as joyful, as I think I should be, conciser how much worse it could be.

Sometimes, I do find it funny, the struggles I have, since they are almost cartoonishly numerous this year, but most of them were small, compared to some.

My nature is to worry, really. To let the problems I have steal my joy. I’ve been that way since I was 5 or 6. The same time my anxiety disorder started.

I used to think if I looked forward to things, they were more likely not to happen. I’d try to trick fate by thinking against things happening…which we know now, actually makes it more likely they won’t. Positive thinking makes success more likely.

I still sometimes feel jinxed, and I hear the same things in my head that I heard my dad say, over and over again.

As if God is testing me, as if He has abandoned me. As if he will keep me afloat, but not let me do anymore than survive, which is stressful.

And that that is not fair.

Yet… do I really know best?

Perhaps, like my father, I’ve not been responsible enough with money to really warrant making more of it.

I’ve learned a lot more this year, and I do feel more ready to make wise choices financially once I go back to work.

Perhaps it’s that simple, God didn’t want to give me more when I wouldn’t be a good steward of it.

One thing He’s put in my head, many times in the last two years, is “he who is faithful with little will be faithful with much’ and “I have better things for you.”

Better than to settle for the same crap as before, I hope.

But have I been faithful?

I hope so. I try to be.

When I do have money, I do try to give and be generous with it. Not always maybe as much as I should, I’m never sure how much we should, but, I try.

Yet, the thing I keep thinking is, maybe God is not doing this to punish me.

My dad would say that, but I never believed it in his case.

He thought job success was proof God was pleased with Him, and anything less meant he was failing.

Well, he was failing, but not at working. He failed us at being a good father and husband. The areas he needed to grow.

I have learned more about stewarding my home and family this year, as I’ve had time to make improvements around my house and rally my family to do so also.

I got us all to start taking more notice of our grandma’s health, and to start thinking of saving money together as well, and I got us all to sell and get rid of the unneeded stuff so we had room for our things and don’t need the storage unit anymore.

I’ve cleaned more, rearranging more, and gotten more cost effective lighting options even for our rooms.

All in all, I’m proud of it. The house is almost a different place than it was last year.

All this is stuff my dad never did, and to be honest, I never used to do either. I might never have bothered to try if I was working more.

It has taken some of the pressure off my mom also, though she still has to do the heavy lifting financially for us. But by bringing more income and eliminating the storage unit cost, I feel I helped at least a little even if I couldn’t work. I did repay her for the money she loaned me for my car, almost all of it. Still have $900 to go.

I would love to do more, but, I can’t right now.

Still, I wasn’t useless. I wasn’t wasteful with what time I did have.

If God looks for us to make the most of what we have to work with, I hope that He is satisfied with my efforts.

I can’t tell you all where I will land on this, but this year has been crazy for everyone. Everyone I know has had problems this year, so I guess we’re all in this together.

Still, while I’m struggling, my spirit is not broken.

Not many people my age believe they will have a bright future.

I think it depends on what you go by.

While I find it hard to be optimistic about the state of the world in general, I know I don’t know everything.

God finds ways to bless people no matter what goes on in the world, somehow. That’s always been true if you read books by people of faith.

So my fate isn’t tied only to the world din generals, however much it feels like it.

Success may not look like what I wished, but I might still find it, in my way.

The clouds have silver lining.

I can’t know for sure if the end of next year will see me in a much better place or not, but, I can hope.

Even if it doesn’t, I hope I will have learned not to take it all personally, not to base worth on money, and not to blame myself for things I cannot control.

Wishing all of you the same, and a good holiday season, stay honest– Natasha

Am I a good judge of character?

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Daily writing prompt
Are you a good judge of character?
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Yes.

I am very good at reading people and spotting patterns.

Unfortunately, I’m also trained to think I should put up with poor treatment, and I’ve had to try to break that habit for years. Still working on it.

They say choose peace, but sometimes, I want to choose security over peace.

Security meaning, what I am used to and think I can put up with. I guess I’ve been taught that that’s being tough.

Maybe it is, sometimes, but it’s not a good reason to put yourself around people who are only going to toss you aside.

Being tough means you deal with the regular problems of the job, or life, or whatever other thing you’re doing…not that you accept abuse and exploitation because you can “handle it.”

I’ve had to learn that the hard way. That if I can see someone is not reliable, I shouldn’t rely on them.

Sometimes though, it’s hard to go the other way and trust people even if they have shown themselves to be trustworthy. I’m used to no one having my best interests at heart, so it’s hard to believe anyone else ever does.

I know I’m not the only one who eels this way.

Here’s to all of us finding people we can truly count on–

Stay honest–Natasha

Everyday happiness

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This month I’ve been asking myself why, since this year started and it seemed like every thing that could go wrong did go wrong, I turned so much to doing things to improve my household life.

(By the way, my car had to get repaired again. The ABS, the other big Prius thing that tends to break, went out. I hope at least now that the two big ones already failed, every other issue will be much smaller.)

I’ve been a Christina for 13 years, but even I’m not immune to the temptation Job had to question why God is allowing all this. since the year became 2025, it’s like some line of dominoes was pushed over to make one thing after another go wrong, and as soon as I deal with one problme, another one emerges. Like getting the ear infection to go finally, but it getting slightly reinfected because of allergies and also the hole in my ear not healing the way we hoped.

All of these things might seem small enough, if each of them was the only problem, but all together, when the costs amount to over $8,000, and my family’s total income is less than 100,000 even if you combined all 3 or 4 of us who make income…

Well, we’ve scraped by, but we’ve gone through a lot of emergency savings to do it. I mean, I guess they are for emergencies, but still.

For me, the funny thing is, even a single one of the crisis I’ve dealt with this year would have, 3 years ago, laid me out for weeks. Being anxious and depressed and afraid of the future.

I’ve felt as if I just don’t have the time to dwell on it. I still had to go to work. Now that I’m on vacation (sort of) for the Summer, I worried I would fall into that anxious habit again.

I’ve set myself daily talks to make sure I have something to focus on, which helps.

However, I also find that pull to fall into anxiety is less than it used to be.

Maybe I got tougher, because of all the stuff I had to go through to get it his point. Not sure.

Another thing is maybe, I learned to redirect my enegery.

I think we often try to stop being anxious in the passive way, we try to block it out the anxious thoughts, using mediation, or self affirmation…

But taking action is often the best way to fight any bad mood, especially fear.

I think that’s why reading “The Happiness Project” helped me so much two years ago. Up till then I was kind of just trying to escape anxiety the same way I always had, and it sometimes would work. Prayer, worship, and distraction are all valid ways to treat anxiety, and I can say without God, I would have never got this far.

Yet, I think God himself points us to needing to do more to fight off fear than to just wait for it to go away.

Once I started taking some small actions in regard to my happiness and control over my life, I was shocked by how different I felt.

It’s not even always about me feeling happy so much as feeling less helpless. Which for me, is the biggest source of unhappiness in my life.

I’m the kind of woman who had to feel like I can do something about my situation, in order to feel at peace about it. At least, without divine help to not need that, which, to be real, doesn’t always come, because I think God does want us to take action ourselves.

Nothing stresses me out like having no solution.

Which, come to think of it, might explain why my parents were never much help to me dealing with my fears when I grew up.

My mom’s go-to phrase when I had a problem and told her was: “I don’t know what to tell you.”

Or “I don’t know how to help.”

My dad’s go-to was to tell me how much worse he used to have it, or that he had the same problem….with no potential solution. Unless it was to just make fun of it.

Which is how he deals with every problem.

I am glad both my parents do also take practical steps to solve some issues, so though they never told me how to do this, I was able to glean some things from their examples.

However, I didn’t realize how much their attitude had affected me till the last few years. Until I started trying to take action, I never noticed how little I ever did before.

I believe I could have solved my anxiety issues as a child, even, if I ‘d know it then, and had the relationship with God I do now. You need both, but I think I would have suffered less even if it was just with the practical steps.

I can’t go into every single thing I learned, but here’s the biggest one, and this an did start with a revelation from God, appropriately enough.

Everyday life is the place I will find the most happiness.

I was lamenting my lack of accomplishment of my goals to God a couple years back, I remember this clearly because, though it was in my head, I knew the thought was not mine, it was too far from anything I’d been thinking at that time to be my own idea.

God, finally getting tired of listening to this, I imagine (I had complained to Him many times already) finally shot back with “You have a beautiful life.”

I say shot back, but it was actually a very gently made a point.

(God does not talk to me in a harsh voice, ever. I know there are people He can be firm with, but I think I never perceive it that way because I want tho so much as a kid with harsh parents, and God knows it would only push me back into that cycle to be spoken to that way.

Perhaps this sounds crazy to you if you’re not a Christian, but I’ve heard many others say that God speaks to them the way they can handle, s it’s not just me.)

And if you think that means that we’re just making it up…well, I know I can’t persuade you otherwise, but it seems odd to me that if I made it up, it would be such a new, unlike me thing to think. Make of that way you will.)

Anyway, after that sentence, a bunch of memories of the things I have that other people don’t have came into my mind.

I remember that I felt something shift after that moment. I didn’t usually get over all of my issues–and I have now, but when I get down about my life I think of that statement and I reflect on my blessings, I guess you could say. I don’t like to call it that because I think the cheesy cliche makes me people turn off their brains, but I suppose it’s what I’m doing.

One thing I sometimes think about is that for all the things I had to complain about, I’m never starving, or homeless, or lacking even in electricity, and clean water or clothing. The fact that I even have enough money to chastise myself for spending more than I should, means I’m blessed.

My car has been a problem, but I’ve had one when I needed it, even if it breaks a lot,and that has let me at least still work and do my church activities.

I have books and more movies tan I can read. I have enough free time to choose how I will spend it.

I have a cat.

I have family who loves me, even if they aren’t always the most helpful to me about things, and I have friends now.

Sure, there are things I had that gave me disadvantages. I had a father who didn’t financially plan very well and so we ended up always struggling for money and losing our house. I had a father who also abused me emotionally enough to give me a ton of issues.

All in all, like most people, my life is a mixed bag.

I don’t think God was telling me to think that everything was beautiful in my life when He said that.

But he was pointing out that in the moment I was being so negative, I was ignoring the fact that I had a bed, a house, two loving siblings, plenty of other basic needs, and a few luxuries, and other things in my life were changed for the better. And best of all, I no longer live with apron trying to tear me down constantly and threaten my safety.

And even though this year has sucked in many ways, I won’t tell you that nothing good has happened in it. The good things have been smaller and quieter, but they have been there.

And while financially, I’m still struggling to figure stuff out, at least I know that my family can help me if I end up falling short, and someone have no one but themselves.

I know people would kill to get what I have, even when I feel down about it.

My personal values are a wish to be independent, but that has not gotten granted to me at any time in my life. Maybe it never will be. It could be that God knows I’m better off knowing I need people.

Or perhaps, one day He will answer that prayer.

I’ve been reminded of the bible verse “He who is faithful with little with be faithful with much” a lot since last year. [Luke 10:16]

Perhaps I’m starting small to learn responsibility.

And I have to admit to you all, I was not very responsible with what I did have before. I didn’t have a savings account with my job before my current one. I spent more than I should. And I didn’t do a lot to take care of my house or contribute to the family.

That has changed a lot. And I feel more ready to have a house of my own because I’ve been taking care of the one I do live in now.

And in that, I do find joy.

Everyday life seems boring or people who always want to move onto the next big thing. I know because, I’m one of those people. I always dreamed big.

I didn’t do a lot to get ready for those dreams though. I always thought I didn’t have enough money and I didn’t have the money to go out and try things. My parents kind of kept me from being able to do that.

Even when I wanted to do outside things, like sports, or drama,or writing workshops, they with the financial support because either we couldn’t afford it, or, it was too much of a hassle, or I didn’t do enough to earn the support.

I think they really could have found a way to support me, if they’d looked into it, but…

Well, blaming them is probably no good.

However, that helped me feel like I could never pursue anything I wanted to do without enough money.

There are ways that’s true, but it’s also true that people have made so many free resources now, more than has ever be available to anyone throughout history, that we don’t realize the gold mine we’re sitting on top of, in the current century I can learn almost any skill online for free, within reason.

Instead of noticing this, I just felt bad about not having money for so long.

And instead of doing anything to change my household for the better, I just complained about it being arranged in a way I didn’t like.

I also felt useless, because all my skills seemed to be purely academic and I had nothing else to fall back on, so when that didn’t yield the reason I wanted, I got depressed.

Now I know that I do have some other skills, even if they ‘re not huge money makers, it’s good to know I could probably have options, if I need them.

My point is, everyday happiness is something we shouldn’t take for granted

Sometimes the old saying are old because they are true and people find them to be true.

People complain about everything now, and always have, but now they can spread it much farther. If I complain to my family, I only bring down the moods of 5 people, but if I post it online, I could bring down the moods of 5 million people, if I had enough of a following.

T’hat not healthy to do to others. Or ourselves.

I feel like these truths are obvious, but as usual, humans are weak to the temptation to do that.

So I can’t give you a formula that will help you fix it if you have that problem, being formulaic doesn’t work.

My best advice is to find something that makes you happier, and try to do that instead of indulging in complaints and negativity, even challenge yourself for one week, or three days, to stay off the thing that brings you down and for someone else. If you don’t see a change immediately, then, try something else, because who wants to stay unhappy?

And we all have problems to focus on, I know that. And unlike me, maybe yours are not something you can ignore (at least for a short period of time).

I think there are still ways to make it better, but I don’t want to be flippant about that situation.

My point is that, for most of us, we have it better than we think. Those of us who really have it bad, we should support and help them to get to a better place. I’m thankful for all the people who helps me, the help wasn’t always perfect, but it was there.

Even my parents, will all our problems, have helped me many times. Even parent who add to your issues can sometimes be part of the solution.

So life is a mixed bag in every sense.

I hope some of this was helpful, I’m trying to make it a bit shorter and more to the point, one of my new resolutions is to try to improve my time management, and blogging shorter and more focused posts would help me with that.

Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.