Faith

Book Break Down: Till We Have Faces

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So I’ve analyzed movies and songs on this blog, but surprisingly, I rarely ever talk about books, and I grew up being more of a reader than a watcher, we didn’t even have TV for years. [Honestly, I don’t watch TV itself now, I stream so I can pick the shows, but, who doesn’t now?]

Anyway, I still read, I try to read at least one book a month if I can, and I log the books to keep track.

And one I read every year usually, is my all time favorite book “Till We Have Faces” by C. S. Lewis.

Lewis is my favorite author anyway, but this book is his best work of fiction in my opinion, and some other critics agree.

It’s not as novel as his space trilogy, but it’s far easier to read and had much deeper themes that are not as…theoretical as those books, (if you read them you’ll get what I mean, but I’m not talking about those ones.)

But you’re not here for me to just talk about Lewis, let’s dive into the book itself:

Plot and Concept:

In brief terms, “Till We Have Faces” is a re-telling of the myth, my favorite myth as it happens, of Psyche and Cupid, or Eros, if you prefer the correct name.

The myth itself has strong Christian undertones, considering it’s a pagan myth, as the symbolism of it is basically that our soul (which is what psyche means) must be united with Love (Cupid) to become immortal. There also a part when Cupid raises Psyche from the dead after she descends into the underworld to bring beauty to Aphrodite, the goddess who represents lustful love instead of true romantic love, or perhaps superficial love to be more accurate.

Psyche and Eros have a divine child whose name means ‘joy’ which shows how the product of the soul meeting love is Joy.

The story features two jealous sisters, so it is like a tweaked Cinderella story, but also a tweaked Beauty and the Beast. These kinds of stories run all over myths and legends across the world, makes me wonder if there was a common root that did actually happen.

Psyche is alone and unable to marry because people treat her as goddess instead of a person, so an oracle prophecies that she will marry a monster feared by both gods and man, but this turns out to be a riddle that means Cupid, since love is powerful enough to make both gods and humans do things they would normally do (and Greek myths are full of the God doing dumb things because of ‘love’).

A pretty cool story on its own, really, but Lewis’ retelling is masterful.

In Lewis’ retelling, Psyche is instead sacrificed to Ungit, the name he gives Aphrodite, the goddess who represents animal, profane love that only takes and takes and gives nothing back.

But Psyche is rescued by The West Wind god, and taken to the god of the grey mountain, who is Eros in this story.

They are wed, and she lives happy but Orual, her older sister who is uglier than any other woman in the world, finds out about it and is jealous of her, though she thinks it is not jealous.

To make a very complex story short, Orual forces Psyche, by her love, to betray the god of the mountain, and Psyche is sent into exile as punishment, while Orual is told that she “will know herself and her work, and she also shall be psyche.”

Orual is not sure what this means, and instead of being doomed, she becomes the Queen of her country, Glome, in the next week, and rules for many years, trying to bury the pain of the memories of Psyche and what the God told her.

The Conflict:

Finally, Orual hears the story of Psyche and herself retold, but in the original fashion of the real myth and it infuriates her, so she writes a book, which is the book we the audience are reading, of a complaint against the gods, putting it to us like a case to be heard, hoping that some Greek, who speak more freely of the gods that her own people, I’ll read it and judge.

After she writes the book, she begins to have mysterious visions from the gods of things happen to her, that also happen to Psyche, in the myth, only for her they are much harder and more painful.

She begins to also learn from the people around her that she’s lived her life devouring the lives of others, as she was always bitter that she was ugly and could never marry or have children, so she obsesses over a married man who she loved, and she kept her adopted father, the Fox, in Glome with her isn’t sending him home, and she abandoned her other sister Redival, in order to have Psyche all to herself. And she wanted Psyche to love her just as obsessively, instead of in a normal, healthy way.

One of the most striking moments of the book, early on, before all this, in which Psyche says to her

“You are indeed teaching me about kinds of love I did not know. It is like looking into a deep pit. I am not sure whether I like your kind better than hatred.” [Chapter 14]

Later, after seeing the visions, Orual is taken to the court of the gods and her case is read.

As she hears her own voice saying the true words of her soul, she realizes that she only ever wanted to devour Pschye’s love, to possess it all for herself, she never truly loved her unselfishly. The gods gave her chances to do so, but she rejected them all and instead blames the gods for luring Psyche away by their beauty and their goodness that she didn’t understand.

After this, she is shown all the thing Psyche suffered for her sake and then, she is taken to meet the god of the grey mountain, and Psyche also meets her and forgives her, and give her the beauty of death (but death to the profane love of Ungit, not literal death) and Orual sees her reflection changed to be beautiful, and then she hears the words: “You also are psyche.”

She then wakes up and writes in the book that she knows why the gods don’t speak to us face to face, because they can’t ’till we have faces?’ (A line that always gives me chills).

Meaning that, until we know what we really mean, and not just what we think we mean, they cannot be open with us, since we cannot be open with them.

She also writes that she knows now that the god of the mountain did not give her an answer, because he is the answer.

Christians will spot the characteristic that we assign to Jesus here, as that is the metaphor of the god.

Context:

I think you could understand this book without knowing anything about Lewis, if you have a good understanding of the idea of love, and real love versus selfish or toxic love.

However, I’ve seen many people review the book who said they did not fully understand the ending, or all the themes.

When I read it the first time, I understood it by the time I got to the end, and every time after that, when I read it, I understood it better. Especially after I read “The Four Loves” by Lewis also.

Lewis has a fictional version of pretty much all of his non-fiction books of theology and philosophy, which not a lot of people know. This book is his fictional version of “The Four Loves”, as well as some parts of “The Weight of Glory” and “Mere Christianity.”

You can find some of this in his fictional book “The Great Divorce,” but this book is his magnum opus of writing about love, so I always refer back to it the most.

To understand the ending of the book, as well as the conflict you need to know the Lewis believed that true love, charity or agape, as he called it (the Greek word for unselfish, unconditional love is agape) was the holy kind that has to come into every other kind of love to make it good.

And the human love, which is ‘need’ love’, he says, will become devilish, if left to itself.

He give examples of such, how things like affection (family love, also called storge), can keep people under the control of their family if they are left to themselves; how friendship love (phileo) can be snobbish and exclusive and also corrupt people because it puts the friendship above doing the right thing; and how romantic love (eros) can corrupt people even more by being so exciting that it makes them do things like cheat, lie, and steal, all in the name of love.

And some people are even cruel to the one they love, because they think love makes it okay.

In each case, he points out that the love doesn’t have to be evil, but when all other things are put aside, all moral and rational limitations to it, then all loves becomes evil.

Agape love can’t be evil because the basis of it is that it loves you freely, it doesn’t ask for anything back, it doesn’t need anything from you, and it doesn’t demand you do what it wants. It’s love free from the temptation to be possessive.

Obviously, he points out, no human being can perfectly live in that state of love at all times.

It’s not necessarily bad, to need each other. As in this life, we will need each other, and most people like to feel needed. Being completely independent of people is more selfish than needing them a little bit is.

But when that need becomes all we can think of, and we can never put it aside even if it’s hurting the other person, then the love is demonic. Or profane, as some people put it.

Now we usually say toxic. I like profane better.

Toxic love can be negligent in a relationship, if it’s not too big a part of it. We like to joke these days about toxic traits, but most toxic traits, in small amounts, won’t ruin a relationship. If the other person understands you and is willing to overlook, and you do the same for them, then it won’t really matter in the long run, though you should definitely still try to improve.

But profane love is where there is nothing but that. Toxic love that has poisoned the entire relationship, the kind narcissistic people have. They cannot ever love you with anything but that kind of love.

Even when they act like they’re doing something unselfish, they expect you to pay them back for it in some way.

To me, this book was life changing. I read “The Four Loves” I think after I had read this book, but when I went back and re-read it, I saw how brilliantly Lewis wove the themes of those principles in the story.

Orual, once you know how to look for it, is a huge example of profane love. Yet she’s not hateable. She had good points– he still made her believably human.

Her ugliness, which I saw complained about by some readers, is symbolic. It’s meant to show how her love is ugly and profane as her face is, and when she is freed from that love, she is freed form her ugliness also, at least, spiritually.

There are also other favorite themes of Lewis in the book, such as how important reason is, represented by the Fox’s character who is a Greek Philosophy lover.

Also some very sharp insights into how cruel men are often hiding insecurities, and bitter women are hiding jealously.

Not that it can’t go both ways, it can, and it does, sometimes.

There are also ideas of sin, and repentance in there. As Orual must die before she dies to escape Ungit, who represents carnal sin and love, and it’s said that even Psyche, who was a nearly perfect human, had to die and escape her as well. How they have to gather the beauty of the gods without effort, because no effort of theirs could get it, and how we have to resist temptation to give into the pressures other people put on us, even when we love them, if it means disobeying God, because God comes first.

Lewis goes into more detail on these themes in “The Four Loves”, but the book portrays this so poignantly, that it’s impossible not to see yourself in some of what Orual says and does.

Personal Impact:

I’m not kidding when I say that this book changed my life. I read it maybe a few months to a year after I became a Christian, and my relationship with my family was still a wreck at that point.

A lot of that was my dad’s fault, I certainly saw him in the abusive father in the book, but, the book showed me the things that I did and said that were like my dad, and things that weren’t like him, but they were still wrong. It made me see my relationship with God differently also.

C. S Lewis believed that we can never see ourselves clearly, or our sin, that we can never be fully aware of how bad it is, or how good God is, but only see dimly. This is probably true, as the Bible says similar things.

That idea helped me to be more humble when I prayed, not always, and I’m not always now, but at least I had the concept fully rooted in my mind that I could never fully know myself enough to know if God was wrong to do as He did. Also to question my motives for things whenever I started whining about not being treated fairly; sure sometimes, it’s valid to say you deserve better; but you have to watch to make sure yours not demanding something just because you want it, and not because it would be best.

The book didn’t make me neglect my own well being, as some people say Christianity teaches people to do, if anything I think it helps me understand why my father was wrong and I needed to cut ties with him as an adult. Other teachings I heard sometimes made me think I needed to put up with his abuse, but not this book.

It also always reminded me that the answers in God are often found more just by knowing him more than by mere logic. Not that logic isn’t good, Lewis loved logic and reason, but often we find it’s limited, since we are humans, and everything we do is limited. Sometimes you have to go beyond just pure reason to understand things.

Criticisms:

People have accused this book of being sexist because of the many things Orual says against women and as an ugly woman.

I think that’s because they don’t read Lewis’ other books. Lewis was not sexist (at least not for his era) and he had many women students and married a woman who he admitted often won arguments with him very easily. He actually liked that about her (and he dedicated this book to her, in fact, since she held him come up with concept).

He puts himself into the mindset of a bitter woman so well I’m often shocked when I read it, as mostly when male authors try to write how women feel, they fail miserably, in my experience, because they think of it as a woman instead of person.

As a woman, I could relate to Orual, though I’m not ugly, but as someone with a bad father, and who’s been rejected often for reasons beyond my control, I could still identify with her bitterness and sadness.

As well as her wish to assuage that by grabbing at whatever she could.

I don’t find this sexist. Men do it as well, and men can see themselves in this book just as easily as a woman can. The remarks Orual makes about women are from her own bitterness, and made because the character narrates the book, they are not Lewis’ actual opinion on things.

He was very good at making even characters who disagreed with him feel real and if you read his other books all of his characters feel like real people you could meet, except the ones who are sometimes wiser and more noble than humans usually are.

The other complaint is the themes are hard to understand.

Well, they can be. They were not as hard when he wrote it, more people had read the myth, and more people were writing other works with similar themes at the time.

I think it was still very complex, even then, but to our barely literate culture now, it is hard to understand.

That said, it’s still an easy read, full of fun language that’s not too old fashioned for most fantasy lovers to read, and fun characters.

I don’t recommend letting a child read it since it talks about sex more openly than his other books do, but he didn’t write it to be a children’s book.

I would say though, any child 12 and up could probably handle this book, since it’s not too explicit and that’s the age most kids start being more self aware about how they act, so that’s when it would help to read books like this.

I was about 14 when I read it the first time, and I understood it, but I was very literate for my age, so if parents are going to let their child read this, I’d say to use your own discretion.

Closing thoughts:

There are not many books like “Till We Have Faces” anymore. It’s a level of parody and fantasy writing that most authors just can’t achieve in the modern era, because they haven’t read enough books like it.

Its deep themes are timeless, and everyday problems, not ones that only intellectuals would care about.

The ideas of love within family and romantic relationships are ones we all can learn from, as well as how we isolate ourselves in our own minds, when we’re bitter and angry about our lot in life.

So I recommend reading it even if it’s not your usual thing.

You can find an audio book version if reading isn’t your thing, and I recommend doing that, because this book is too good to miss if you like fiction and especially if you like myths and symbolism.

I’d like to close with a few more memorable quotes:

“Don’t you think the things people are most ashamed of are the things they can’t help.”– Psyche.

“You must die before you die,”– the god.

“Who can feel ugly when the heart meets delight?”– Orual

“And in that far distant day when the gods become wholly beautiful, or we at last are shown how beautiful they always were, this will happen more and more. For mortals, you see, will become more and more jealous. And mother and wife and child and friend will all be in league to keep a soul from being united with the Divine Nature.”– The Fox

Thanks for reading, and stay honest– Natasha.

Net Worth

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I know I’ve been MIA for a while. Life got crazy, and often this blog ends up on the back burner.

But I’ve been happy to see a lot of people are still visiting it anyway. Thank you all for your support.

This year has been one of the hardest I’ve gone through since before my dad moved out.

Just a list of things that have happened:

  1. I went to the ER while on vacation.
  2. My new (used) car needed two major repairs within the same year and a few smaller ones.
  3. I lost one job and wasn’t able to continue the other because of school work being too much.
  4. I had an ear infection that cost me some of my hearing in one ear.
  5. I had my laptop break down and it took three tries to find a replacement.
  6. I cut off my dad again.
  7. My cat disappeared for 4-5 days straight (luckily someone found her).
  8. Debit card got hacked and I had to freeze it.

Honestly, there was more, I just can’t remember it all at once.

At the same time, I did accomplish some cool things this year.

I had three yard sales that raised near to $1000 in total that helped me repay my car debt.

I had friends who contributed to a GoFundMe for another $600.

I was able to finish some stories and start a podcast.

I organized almost my entire house, cleared out the garage, got rid of unnecessary things, sold others, and fumigated our shed for termites (all with my families help).

We cleared out our storage unit also so we don’t have to pay for that anymore.

Despite all the setbacks, I was able to set aside some money.

Thankfully, I caught the debit card fraud before anyone used it to buy something.

A friend of ours at church actually gave my sisters and I each $100 to start investing with, just out of a wish to help us out.

Somehow, though I’ve been wrecked financially, I’ve still had enough to cover my basic needs. I cut down on spending, but was able to find other methods to get stuff, and my family has been nice about paying for things when I can’t.

Through all this, I admit, it’s been hard to feel like God is really helping me. Not because I haven’t had blessings, but because they have not been what I wanted.

I really wish to be more financial stable, even if I can’t be fully independent. I wish to have a different job in childcare, one I could actually grow in.

I wish to have accomplished more in my life than I have.

I wish I wasn’t single still at 27.

The fact is, I wanted a family by this age, I wanted a better job. I never imagined I’d still be in nearly the same financial place now as I was when I was 20.

“Try everything” like the Shakira song says has been my motto this year.

I have learned a lot, I admit.

I’ve heard that if you end up in the same place over and over again, it’s because you haven’t yet learned what God wants you to learn from it.

The truth is, my idea of success is too important to me.

Blame it on my dad for beating into my head (against my will, really), that jobs were all important. He criticized me so much for not having one, and not looking for one once I’d realized my methods didn’t wokr in the modern job market (once I switched to online job sites, I had success finally, but he never told me to do that). He also used to say he wanted to kill himself when work was bad.

He and my mother also made some poor financial choices and didn’t always think ahead, though they had some back ups, but we had to file for bankruptcy when I was 9-11. And we moved, not for the last time.

I had a life coach briefly also who blamed me for not having a job when I told her the same thing I told my dad… she wan’s my life coach after that point. The 30 minute long lecture I don’t ask for just killed it for me.

My dad also encouraged me to put up with toxic bosses which led to my first several jobs being very unhealthy ones.

So yeah, I wasn’t set up to take this job thing lightly. Even when I know it’s not my fault and the market is bad, I find it hard not to take it personally.

When work is going well, I tend to feel good about everything else, and when it’s not…I feel depresesed.

Funny, I always thought my dad’s attitude towards it was stupid, but now I’ve found it hard not to adopt it.

So, maybe, God has allowed this reoccurring joblessness in my life to teach me both how ot rely on other people (as I’ve had no choice but to do), and to not make jobs all important.

I can’t say I’m happy about it, but I’ve gone on with my life, chosen to pursue hobbies, home organizing, doing what I can when I can’t work, to keep busy and productive and not to see it as only worth doing if I’m making money.

I have many days where I still feel stressed about it, and I’ve had dozens, if not hundreds of set backs on this journey.

Still, I know that many people wish they could have what I have. I don’t have to pay rent since I live with my grandma still. I have support. I’ve been able to pursue my interests because of free time.

Is it really so bad?

The truth is, I know it’s not as bad as it feels.

I wish, honestly, that I could be as grateful all the time, and as joyful, as I think I should be, conciser how much worse it could be.

Sometimes, I do find it funny, the struggles I have, since they are almost cartoonishly numerous this year, but most of them were small, compared to some.

My nature is to worry, really. To let the problems I have steal my joy. I’ve been that way since I was 5 or 6. The same time my anxiety disorder started.

I used to think if I looked forward to things, they were more likely not to happen. I’d try to trick fate by thinking against things happening…which we know now, actually makes it more likely they won’t. Positive thinking makes success more likely.

I still sometimes feel jinxed, and I hear the same things in my head that I heard my dad say, over and over again.

As if God is testing me, as if He has abandoned me. As if he will keep me afloat, but not let me do anymore than survive, which is stressful.

And that that is not fair.

Yet… do I really know best?

Perhaps, like my father, I’ve not been responsible enough with money to really warrant making more of it.

I’ve learned a lot more this year, and I do feel more ready to make wise choices financially once I go back to work.

Perhaps it’s that simple, God didn’t want to give me more when I wouldn’t be a good steward of it.

One thing He’s put in my head, many times in the last two years, is “he who is faithful with little will be faithful with much’ and “I have better things for you.”

Better than to settle for the same crap as before, I hope.

But have I been faithful?

I hope so. I try to be.

When I do have money, I do try to give and be generous with it. Not always maybe as much as I should, I’m never sure how much we should, but, I try.

Yet, the thing I keep thinking is, maybe God is not doing this to punish me.

My dad would say that, but I never believed it in his case.

He thought job success was proof God was pleased with Him, and anything less meant he was failing.

Well, he was failing, but not at working. He failed us at being a good father and husband. The areas he needed to grow.

I have learned more about stewarding my home and family this year, as I’ve had time to make improvements around my house and rally my family to do so also.

I got us all to start taking more notice of our grandma’s health, and to start thinking of saving money together as well, and I got us all to sell and get rid of the unneeded stuff so we had room for our things and don’t need the storage unit anymore.

I’ve cleaned more, rearranging more, and gotten more cost effective lighting options even for our rooms.

All in all, I’m proud of it. The house is almost a different place than it was last year.

All this is stuff my dad never did, and to be honest, I never used to do either. I might never have bothered to try if I was working more.

It has taken some of the pressure off my mom also, though she still has to do the heavy lifting financially for us. But by bringing more income and eliminating the storage unit cost, I feel I helped at least a little even if I couldn’t work. I did repay her for the money she loaned me for my car, almost all of it. Still have $900 to go.

I would love to do more, but, I can’t right now.

Still, I wasn’t useless. I wasn’t wasteful with what time I did have.

If God looks for us to make the most of what we have to work with, I hope that He is satisfied with my efforts.

I can’t tell you all where I will land on this, but this year has been crazy for everyone. Everyone I know has had problems this year, so I guess we’re all in this together.

Still, while I’m struggling, my spirit is not broken.

Not many people my age believe they will have a bright future.

I think it depends on what you go by.

While I find it hard to be optimistic about the state of the world in general, I know I don’t know everything.

God finds ways to bless people no matter what goes on in the world, somehow. That’s always been true if you read books by people of faith.

So my fate isn’t tied only to the world din generals, however much it feels like it.

Success may not look like what I wished, but I might still find it, in my way.

The clouds have silver lining.

I can’t know for sure if the end of next year will see me in a much better place or not, but, I can hope.

Even if it doesn’t, I hope I will have learned not to take it all personally, not to base worth on money, and not to blame myself for things I cannot control.

Wishing all of you the same, and a good holiday season, stay honest– Natasha

Everyday happiness

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This month I’ve been asking myself why, since this year started and it seemed like every thing that could go wrong did go wrong, I turned so much to doing things to improve my household life.

(By the way, my car had to get repaired again. The ABS, the other big Prius thing that tends to break, went out. I hope at least now that the two big ones already failed, every other issue will be much smaller.)

I’ve been a Christina for 13 years, but even I’m not immune to the temptation Job had to question why God is allowing all this. since the year became 2025, it’s like some line of dominoes was pushed over to make one thing after another go wrong, and as soon as I deal with one problme, another one emerges. Like getting the ear infection to go finally, but it getting slightly reinfected because of allergies and also the hole in my ear not healing the way we hoped.

All of these things might seem small enough, if each of them was the only problem, but all together, when the costs amount to over $8,000, and my family’s total income is less than 100,000 even if you combined all 3 or 4 of us who make income…

Well, we’ve scraped by, but we’ve gone through a lot of emergency savings to do it. I mean, I guess they are for emergencies, but still.

For me, the funny thing is, even a single one of the crisis I’ve dealt with this year would have, 3 years ago, laid me out for weeks. Being anxious and depressed and afraid of the future.

I’ve felt as if I just don’t have the time to dwell on it. I still had to go to work. Now that I’m on vacation (sort of) for the Summer, I worried I would fall into that anxious habit again.

I’ve set myself daily talks to make sure I have something to focus on, which helps.

However, I also find that pull to fall into anxiety is less than it used to be.

Maybe I got tougher, because of all the stuff I had to go through to get it his point. Not sure.

Another thing is maybe, I learned to redirect my enegery.

I think we often try to stop being anxious in the passive way, we try to block it out the anxious thoughts, using mediation, or self affirmation…

But taking action is often the best way to fight any bad mood, especially fear.

I think that’s why reading “The Happiness Project” helped me so much two years ago. Up till then I was kind of just trying to escape anxiety the same way I always had, and it sometimes would work. Prayer, worship, and distraction are all valid ways to treat anxiety, and I can say without God, I would have never got this far.

Yet, I think God himself points us to needing to do more to fight off fear than to just wait for it to go away.

Once I started taking some small actions in regard to my happiness and control over my life, I was shocked by how different I felt.

It’s not even always about me feeling happy so much as feeling less helpless. Which for me, is the biggest source of unhappiness in my life.

I’m the kind of woman who had to feel like I can do something about my situation, in order to feel at peace about it. At least, without divine help to not need that, which, to be real, doesn’t always come, because I think God does want us to take action ourselves.

Nothing stresses me out like having no solution.

Which, come to think of it, might explain why my parents were never much help to me dealing with my fears when I grew up.

My mom’s go-to phrase when I had a problem and told her was: “I don’t know what to tell you.”

Or “I don’t know how to help.”

My dad’s go-to was to tell me how much worse he used to have it, or that he had the same problem….with no potential solution. Unless it was to just make fun of it.

Which is how he deals with every problem.

I am glad both my parents do also take practical steps to solve some issues, so though they never told me how to do this, I was able to glean some things from their examples.

However, I didn’t realize how much their attitude had affected me till the last few years. Until I started trying to take action, I never noticed how little I ever did before.

I believe I could have solved my anxiety issues as a child, even, if I ‘d know it then, and had the relationship with God I do now. You need both, but I think I would have suffered less even if it was just with the practical steps.

I can’t go into every single thing I learned, but here’s the biggest one, and this an did start with a revelation from God, appropriately enough.

Everyday life is the place I will find the most happiness.

I was lamenting my lack of accomplishment of my goals to God a couple years back, I remember this clearly because, though it was in my head, I knew the thought was not mine, it was too far from anything I’d been thinking at that time to be my own idea.

God, finally getting tired of listening to this, I imagine (I had complained to Him many times already) finally shot back with “You have a beautiful life.”

I say shot back, but it was actually a very gently made a point.

(God does not talk to me in a harsh voice, ever. I know there are people He can be firm with, but I think I never perceive it that way because I want tho so much as a kid with harsh parents, and God knows it would only push me back into that cycle to be spoken to that way.

Perhaps this sounds crazy to you if you’re not a Christian, but I’ve heard many others say that God speaks to them the way they can handle, s it’s not just me.)

And if you think that means that we’re just making it up…well, I know I can’t persuade you otherwise, but it seems odd to me that if I made it up, it would be such a new, unlike me thing to think. Make of that way you will.)

Anyway, after that sentence, a bunch of memories of the things I have that other people don’t have came into my mind.

I remember that I felt something shift after that moment. I didn’t usually get over all of my issues–and I have now, but when I get down about my life I think of that statement and I reflect on my blessings, I guess you could say. I don’t like to call it that because I think the cheesy cliche makes me people turn off their brains, but I suppose it’s what I’m doing.

One thing I sometimes think about is that for all the things I had to complain about, I’m never starving, or homeless, or lacking even in electricity, and clean water or clothing. The fact that I even have enough money to chastise myself for spending more than I should, means I’m blessed.

My car has been a problem, but I’ve had one when I needed it, even if it breaks a lot,and that has let me at least still work and do my church activities.

I have books and more movies tan I can read. I have enough free time to choose how I will spend it.

I have a cat.

I have family who loves me, even if they aren’t always the most helpful to me about things, and I have friends now.

Sure, there are things I had that gave me disadvantages. I had a father who didn’t financially plan very well and so we ended up always struggling for money and losing our house. I had a father who also abused me emotionally enough to give me a ton of issues.

All in all, like most people, my life is a mixed bag.

I don’t think God was telling me to think that everything was beautiful in my life when He said that.

But he was pointing out that in the moment I was being so negative, I was ignoring the fact that I had a bed, a house, two loving siblings, plenty of other basic needs, and a few luxuries, and other things in my life were changed for the better. And best of all, I no longer live with apron trying to tear me down constantly and threaten my safety.

And even though this year has sucked in many ways, I won’t tell you that nothing good has happened in it. The good things have been smaller and quieter, but they have been there.

And while financially, I’m still struggling to figure stuff out, at least I know that my family can help me if I end up falling short, and someone have no one but themselves.

I know people would kill to get what I have, even when I feel down about it.

My personal values are a wish to be independent, but that has not gotten granted to me at any time in my life. Maybe it never will be. It could be that God knows I’m better off knowing I need people.

Or perhaps, one day He will answer that prayer.

I’ve been reminded of the bible verse “He who is faithful with little with be faithful with much” a lot since last year. [Luke 10:16]

Perhaps I’m starting small to learn responsibility.

And I have to admit to you all, I was not very responsible with what I did have before. I didn’t have a savings account with my job before my current one. I spent more than I should. And I didn’t do a lot to take care of my house or contribute to the family.

That has changed a lot. And I feel more ready to have a house of my own because I’ve been taking care of the one I do live in now.

And in that, I do find joy.

Everyday life seems boring or people who always want to move onto the next big thing. I know because, I’m one of those people. I always dreamed big.

I didn’t do a lot to get ready for those dreams though. I always thought I didn’t have enough money and I didn’t have the money to go out and try things. My parents kind of kept me from being able to do that.

Even when I wanted to do outside things, like sports, or drama,or writing workshops, they with the financial support because either we couldn’t afford it, or, it was too much of a hassle, or I didn’t do enough to earn the support.

I think they really could have found a way to support me, if they’d looked into it, but…

Well, blaming them is probably no good.

However, that helped me feel like I could never pursue anything I wanted to do without enough money.

There are ways that’s true, but it’s also true that people have made so many free resources now, more than has ever be available to anyone throughout history, that we don’t realize the gold mine we’re sitting on top of, in the current century I can learn almost any skill online for free, within reason.

Instead of noticing this, I just felt bad about not having money for so long.

And instead of doing anything to change my household for the better, I just complained about it being arranged in a way I didn’t like.

I also felt useless, because all my skills seemed to be purely academic and I had nothing else to fall back on, so when that didn’t yield the reason I wanted, I got depressed.

Now I know that I do have some other skills, even if they ‘re not huge money makers, it’s good to know I could probably have options, if I need them.

My point is, everyday happiness is something we shouldn’t take for granted

Sometimes the old saying are old because they are true and people find them to be true.

People complain about everything now, and always have, but now they can spread it much farther. If I complain to my family, I only bring down the moods of 5 people, but if I post it online, I could bring down the moods of 5 million people, if I had enough of a following.

T’hat not healthy to do to others. Or ourselves.

I feel like these truths are obvious, but as usual, humans are weak to the temptation to do that.

So I can’t give you a formula that will help you fix it if you have that problem, being formulaic doesn’t work.

My best advice is to find something that makes you happier, and try to do that instead of indulging in complaints and negativity, even challenge yourself for one week, or three days, to stay off the thing that brings you down and for someone else. If you don’t see a change immediately, then, try something else, because who wants to stay unhappy?

And we all have problems to focus on, I know that. And unlike me, maybe yours are not something you can ignore (at least for a short period of time).

I think there are still ways to make it better, but I don’t want to be flippant about that situation.

My point is that, for most of us, we have it better than we think. Those of us who really have it bad, we should support and help them to get to a better place. I’m thankful for all the people who helps me, the help wasn’t always perfect, but it was there.

Even my parents, will all our problems, have helped me many times. Even parent who add to your issues can sometimes be part of the solution.

So life is a mixed bag in every sense.

I hope some of this was helpful, I’m trying to make it a bit shorter and more to the point, one of my new resolutions is to try to improve my time management, and blogging shorter and more focused posts would help me with that.

Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

Practical Advice for the young Christian

/ toseealife / Leave a comment

(This post actually will work for non-Christians also, common sense is common sense.)

Hello all, today I’m writing about something because I’ve noticed a growing need for it in the modern Western church–and also, just everywhere.

Anyone notice the distinct lack of common sense advice?

I mean…not just common sense itself in younger people. I think that’s really exaggerated by the older generation to be worse than it is. But…where is the real advice?

Just on my personal experience asking for counsel from older people, I can count the amount of times it was helpful on one hand. The amount of times people give me some over spiritulized bull crap are endless.

And it’s not just me. Now that I’m an adult myself and have been doing ministry with kids and youth for many years, (and I noticed this white I was still young enough to be a student in those ministries too), I’ve noticed that kids are really crying out, literally in some cases, for some real life advice.

My generation (Zillenials and under) is really starved for direction. We’ve been pushed so many different ways, and the older generation has abandoned us by and large.

My father literally abandoned me, emotionally speaking, as a pre-teen.

And I don’t mean I just felt sad, I mean he literally told me he didn’t want to parent me anymore…multiple times.

Didn’t stop him from lecturing me about stuff at didn’t matter that much, but there you go.

But my personal issues aside, I feel like the older generation as a whole has just taken the same approach with everyone my age. Not just in America either, I think it’s all over the first world now.

And us being alone has led to us raise our own kids in a very overly permissive way. Some of these millennial parent videos are truly terrifying.

However…I mean…can you blame them for being lost? Most people’s current idea of childcare comes from these college psych classes. And not only is psych constantly being changed by the “experts”, it’s also a lot of bull crap for the most part when it comes to child rearing, based on what I’ve seen taught versus what I know actually works in real life.

There’s some good advice out there, but nothing beats practical experience or hearing it right from the people who raised you. And that’s what we’re missing now.

But in fairness to tho older generations, we did stop listening to them, also. There’s blame on both sides.

But assigning blame is not really my focus today, I’m just pointing out the problem.

Because of the generational divide, I’ve seen many well meaning people in their 40s and up try to give advice to us “kids” and it not go very well.

I mean, it’s not that kids are offended by it, it just doesn’t address their real issue.

Case in point, a couple days ago I was at a youth group where I volunteer interpret for one deaf student sometimes, and a different student asked a question about knowing who is and is not authentic in life and relationships.

I could tell the kid meant that he wanted to know how to spot this even outside of church activities, because honestly, people put on their best behavior at church.

The leader giving the message, who was in his 50s or 60s, answered something about how to tell at church, I can’t even really remember it now because it didn’t really make a lot of sense.

The kid was nodding but I could tell he didn’t really get the answer he wanted.

So I raised my hand and said “I agree with (insert leader’s name) but maybe you were wondering more about practical ways outside of church?”

And the kid nodded gratefully.

To which I gave him my two best tips for knowing a person’s real character:

  1. See how they treat their family.
  2. See how they handle conflict.

Both of these methods have never failed me to sort out who is trustworthy. But of course, you need time to get a chance to witness both those things.

Which is why I never assume I can trust someone after meeting them only a few times.

Also growing up with a narcissistic/BPD person, I know how much people can turn it on if they have someone to impress.

Anyway, I think the kid appreciated it.

I also talk to my Sunday School class of 4th-5th graders in a very similar way. I tell them often that even though their kids they deal with real life stuff the same way as adults do and I’m aware of that. So they need me to give them real talk.

Not harshly, of course, you still have to be sensitive to the fact that they are kids, but kids know the difference between real and harsh. They’re very good at that.

So, it’s good to be aware of this before anyone tries to take my advice and use it as a reason to “lecture” kids about the harsh realities of life.

Beleive me, any child who’s been exposed to the internet already knows life is hard. That is not what I’m suggesting we tell them.

What they want now is answers. What do we do about it?

Too much content for young people now is just telling them it’s a hopeless mess.

Like that’s really what we need to hear.

I can’t even watch wholesome content now without finding comments under it debunking it, because bitter people love to spread it around. “Misery loves company” is the old saying.

So, what do we do?

Those of us who have at least somewhat started to navigate our lives successful need to spot the BS to other people about it.

Frankly, Jan, I’m not really interested in you telling me “It’s all because of God’s goodness.”

Look, I do absolutely believe in God’s goodness. I know that God answers prayers…but if I’m asking you for advice on how to get what you got in life, I don’t want to hear that it’s all God’s goodness.

Because, that doesn’t help. God is good to everyone…but He does expect us to do work for ourselves. That’s in the Bible, FYI. Check out Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and James. And most of the rest of the New Testament.

Here’s a fun little story to illustrate:

Jesus once was asked by the religious leaders why his disciples picked food from the wheat fields on the sabbath, because they were hungry.

He defended their right to do this, and called out the leaders for their self righteous attitude.

But interesting to note that Jesus also was able to feed 5,000 people with a few loaves of bread. So, couldn’t he have just made food for them?

But often the Gospels mention the Disciples arguing over food or needing to get food from other people. So…

Jesus probably also worked as a carpenter at least for a some of his adult life before he started ministry, since it was what was done.

The point of this story is that Jesus supported practical solutions, and working for things, not just expecting everything to get handed to you.

And that was the son of God.

So, we can assume that this goes even more for all of us.

It’s funny how people born in the Church and out of it, often act like God should do even for us.

Uh, hello, who made the world? Who made the things in it that we use to survive? Who gave us life?

God did give us everything, but He would like us to be able to use it ourselves.

How many parents would like to buy clothes for their kid and still have to dress them when they’re 10 years old? Some would, but most of us would agree at a certain point, you expect someone to use what you give them without your help.

Granted, God still has to direct our lives even so, but we need to at latest try to take steps.

I’m currently looking for a new job (not because I was laid off but because I feel like it’s time for a chance), and I may not find one as soon as I want, or explain what I want, but, I believe in at least trying to learn what’s out there and prepare for it.

I think God will decide why I actually end up doing, but I’ve tried sitting and doing nothing before…didn’t work. God only rewarded me when I started trying to improve my skills.

See whining about it didn’t get me anything with God, and I think He even told me as much at times when I would pray. Or maybe, I just knew deep down already.

And if I’ve learned one thing in the last 2 years, it’s that wisdom is often practical, more than spiritual.

I actually believe there’s really no difference. I think the fact that we make spiritual things sound weird and watery is just proof we really don’t understand them. The Bible portrayed them as quite real and subject to rules and oddities as much as material things tend to be. More so even.

I can’t cover every situation here in one post, but I think I can give a few more examples of areas we need real advice in. And if anyone wants to comment further on it, I’d love to read it.

So I mentioned relations already.

Another question young people often have is:

“When should I start dating?”

And I’m probably not the best person to answer this because I’ve barely been on internet dates which didn’t go so well.

I mean, you should start by finding someone who wants to date you.

If you already have that, you’re ahead of me.

But I have seen myself grow in maturity over the years and I do have a better idea than I did what makes someone ready to date. And I wasn’t ready before.

I think I’m ready currently, but maybe the man isn’t…stuff like that can happen.

Anyway, pro tip for this, young people (and older people really) is to check your motives and check how you handle responsibility.

There is no one size fits all to dating, or love. People get together at all levels of maturity.

Which is probably the best advice anyone could give you. Don’t assume what works for everyone else will work for you.

However, you should seek out people’s stories that are similar to yours, because that is more likely to help you.

For me, I find the stories of people who waited a long time to date often hold more wisdom that applies to my life. Such as the best use of your time as a single person, trying to find fulfillment in friendship and in God, and not making your whole identity about being single.

Which is good advice even for people already dating too.

Also, not settling for someone mediocre.

However, high standards should be worthile.

Me, as a woman, I don’t create really about height. I really don’t get why so many girls obsess over it. I doubt as many really do as media implies.

I also think money is sort of a mid-range thing to care about. It does matter, and a man should be willing to work hard, but if you want a guy who’s not obsessed with money and who will pay attention to you, you have to figure he may not be as well off and you may not be able to afford as many things.

This is the kind of thing that I think helps the most with deciding who you’d be good with. Ask yourself what you really want in life, and if it would really make you happy. Often it’s not what we think.

Also watch out for wanting traits in someone that would only make your life easier, not necessarily better.

This actually goes more for men, I think. I’ve seen so many guys who really have no clue what they want in a woman other than someone who’d be nice to them.

And gentlemen…nice is not always the best thing.

But neither is putting up with a woman who bullies you just be she’s hot or because you figure you can’t get better (same for girls, but I feel like we’re less likely to do this nowadays.)

Honestly, being bullied is just another way of taking the easy way out. Easier to let a woman (or man) push you around than to stand up for yourself and grow as a person enough to maybe make her angry.

Strong minded women actually hate this in a man, and in other women, but will exploit it, human nature is like that.

I think a woman should be respectful to a man…not because I have some weird idea of submission in the sense of not having any personal rights as a woman, but because I think everyone should be respected. Why is that so hard to get across nowadays?

One thing I make sure not to do is talk down about men to them, or behind their backs, unless it’s to my family who I know wont repeat it. Sure, we need to blow off steam sometimes, but even then I’m not tearing the guys apart, just willing to discuss things that I find awkward or uncomfortable, or that I like about them.

But just bashing on men is not something I do, and I don’t do it with women either. I feel like if I wouldn’t want them to do it to me, I shouldn’t do it to them.

Honestly, even if I know someone talked about me behind my back, I don’t do the same to them, because who knows if I will end up being the one held accountable for it and they won’t. Sure, that’s not fair, but why would I take the chance?

This is another good practical tip, by the way, boys and girls. Don’t trash talk anyone you know to anyone else they know if you don’t want it to get back to them. It almost always will.

I do utilize finding out which people gossip about me as a way to know never to tell them anything about me, or rely on them, but, not to get revenge. That’s just smart, I think.

Don’t leave yourself wide open for people to punch, but don’t start a fight either.

All right, I think I have time for a few more common situations where people want practical advice, and then I’ll have to continue this in a different post.

Another example from real life is a young man asked me and my sister about how to handle his relationship with God changing after getting married and working more.

He was a newer christian and he said he didn’t feel it as much as he used to.

Apparently, no one told him this was normal.

The first passion for anything dies, eventually.

It’s like when I start a new book. I always enjoy the being a lot, and then about the middle I get burnout…but I usually finish strong. That’s how life is, the middle part tends to be the most boring. (I mean, of anything you do, not of your life itself.)

My sister and I told him practical things to do about it.

For one thing, being married is a lot like for us with sharing space with so many people. Even if you love them, you’ll get tired of each other.

So it’s important to give each other space to be alone.

And me, honestly, as the one who wants to spend the most time together out of my whole family of introverted people, kind of gets why it can be hard on the more energetic person to give space.

My sisters learned to accommodate my wishes to spend time together by having set times we could devote to stuff I like doing, and I learned to accommodate them by giving them warning in advance of when I want to do that stuff so they can mentally prepare. It doesn’t always work like a charm, but it works for us.

So this is the kind of thing we told this guy. That and that as long as he’s still serving God and spending time in the word, and praying, he should not worry if it’s not as easy as it used to be.

And if you are a new Christian reading this by any chance, it will happen to you too. But don’t worry. All of us go through it, and it passes. Usually, you get close to God at the end of it, if you just stick it out.

When I was a new Christian, it helped me to see the dullness and blandness as just part of the fight to stay close to God. That was my present cross to bear.

And as a Christian of over 10 years now, I think I even prefer it this way. Emotional highs exhaust me, I’m not a naturally emotional person. I have feelings, but they tend to be trigger by certain things only. I don’t just go from emotion to emotion all day like some people I know.

But hey, my father is highly emotional and I wouldn’t want to be him, it seems miserable to me.

Some people can be highly emotional and still be happy, but I think it makes it harder to exert self control, so maybe I’m happier the way I am now. To each their own. It’s fine to be either way, but don’t assume that because you’re less emotional, you’re less passionate about your faith.

Or that you don’t love people in your life. Love is action and prioritizing someone, even if you don’t feel like it.

I’m remind of Leonard and Penny from the Big Bang Theory. I think they’re toxic most of the time, but one thing you can say is that they don’t stay in the infatuation phase, but they keep working on their relationship after that point. Even to where they ask Sheldon to make them a relationship hip agreement so they can improve.

While I find the show stupid in many ways, I do think the writers were onto something with that idea. Love is about deciding what you give and take in a relationship, and doing it without being demanding or whiny or domineering. And if it is one-sided, you decide if you’re in it for the long haul.

I can’t go into every aspect of relationships here, just touching on a few things I’ve heard asked about a lot. We’d be here for years if I tried to tackle everything, which I’m not qualified to do anyway.

Let’s see…what else could I cover?

Oh yeah, here’s a good one.

How do you know your purpose?

My life group actually talked about this in the last week, but I didn’t feel like it really answered the question well.

We were focusing on talents.

Let me tell you all the hard truth.

Your talents do not always guide you to your purpose.

Now, many times, they do. But not always in a way you recognize as such.

I ended up doing work I didn’t expect to be good at because I assumed my talents were elsewhere, and I found out I have more talents than I expected, but honestly, my success is me just knowing how to use my talents to make anything I do work for me.

There will be some jobs I won’t be able to do, even using that method, but it does open up a lot of possibilities for me, because I don’t limit myself just on my obvious talents.

Like I’m good at drama and writing, and public speaking. I’m also good at remembering stuff.

I was not good at organizing things as a kid or teen.

But I’ve gotten better it because I used my skills at learning to pick it up bit by bit, and I used my talents as a people person to get other people on board.

See, talents point you to certain careers that seem obvious, but often you don’t realize that they can work in other areas of life, just in a different way.

You’ll see that with ministry too. Often people are good at a variety of things and don’t think they’ll fit a ministry, but then it works for them because they do it their way.

So when it comes to finding your purpose, I’d say, don’t do what many people do and wait for it to hit you one day.

There is no one foolproof way to find fyour purpose. All I know is that God gives it to us, in His own time.

“In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

For some of us, God gives us what we want. If we commit it to him, or, even if we don’t. He’s not a cruel God.

For others, God keeps us very closely dependent on Him, and we have many twists and turns.

I think that for each of us, it comes down to both on our wisdom to let God lead, and what God thinks will suit each of us.

[Let Mercy Lead– Rich Mullins]

Even if you don’t acknowledge God, you probably can agree that the same path doesn’t work for all people.

That said, there are some things you can do to get ready for your purpose:

If you do have talent, develop it. Either privately or professionally. It can’t hurt to get good at it. Usually there is some use for it even if your career ends up elsewhere.

Don’t be afraid to try different things even if you don’t think they’re your destiny. The skills you learn in one place often can help you in another place.

Like how babysitting helped me prepare for dealing with customers, because no one can be as rude to you as a spoiled child can.

Even if you do what I did, and pick bad jobs at first because you don’t know better, it will teach you what to avoid in the future.

I recommend you try to start working as soon as you can. Even if it’s volunteer (you can use that on your resume, if you don’t say it was volunteer.)

And, learn how to interview. A lot of Youtube channel and websites now post ways to sound better in an interview and how to answer tough questions. I’m sure the corporate world will update their method soon because too many people are going to take advantage of it, but the skill of learning to asses a situation and talk the right way should still helping you even if the game changes, because the point is you are learning to adapt.

Also I find that learning how to talk professionally helped me in other areas of my life, not just work. It gave me more self respect.

Another thing: do things around the house and volunteer.

The best cure for feeling like you have no purpose is give into someone else’s life. Donate clothes, clean up something, serve at a soup kitchen, get involved in your church outreach.

This also cures depression in many cases. I felt much less depressed when I became more active in other people’s lives. I now am not depressed at all.

If you have high anxiety, I encourage you to just do the stuff anyway. Anxiety only gets better when you face your fears and it starts feeling less new to you.

Also, while anti-anxiety techniques did help me somewhat, finding other tasks to focus on did way more to cure my negative thoughts than breathing exercises and grounding did. They can help but I think they’re better when used with other distractions.

I also say avoid medication unless it’s completely necessary and you’ve tried other methods first. I was pressured to take meds for my issues but I ended up not needing them, and if I’d taken them, it would have caused other problems that would have been worse probably than my anxiety and depression were.

Also, and this is important, do not use marijuana.

I swear, everyone I know who vapes or smokes is a mess emotionally and has a disorganized life, because honestly, it weakens your brain.

Most of the people I know who are getting off those substances are doing better since they did and feeling more in control of their lives.

It’s a quick fix that doesn’t really fix anything.

You may think this has nothing to do with finding your purpose, but it does.

Stuff that steals your joy, or even your anger, or sadness, often steals your ability to be satisfied by what you do also. Striving to feel nothing, or to feel mellow all the time, cuts off growing success.

We shouldn’t be struggling just to stay average, we should be thriving. That’s why I’m against quick fix methods. They seem easier but they really steal your whole ability to get past the problem at all.

Another method for finding your purpose is being willing to take an interest in other people. Learn about many different things. Talk to people about what they do. Who knows, you might find something you like.

But all in all, I think it’s good advice to not worry about it so much. I think we find our purpose when we stop focusing on it and ourselves and start focusing on making the lives of the people around us better.

All right, I think that’s all I got for now.

It was fun tackling some big questions but there are lots more I could cover.

If you want to leave ideas down below, I’d love to hear what other people are worrying and wondering about besides me and my own social circle.

I kind of feel like this is all survival skills for life that I’m picking up as I go. Though maybe once upon a time, most people knew this. The digital age made us lose ourselves so much. Le sigh.

Anyway, until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

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I’m most scared to…

/ toseealife / Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?
View all responses

I don’t have a list.

I mean I could say skydiving because I’m afraid of heights, but I might do it…maybe…for a million dollars.

(No probably not. I don’t need a million dollars that badly.)

If I was serious, I might say move in with my dad again.

That idea used to give me nightmares. Sometimes it still does.

Once you’re out of a bad situation, you don’t want to go back. It’s one thing to put up with something when you’ve never had a choice, or won’t have one in the future, but it’s another to willingly suffer again.

I know some people consider it their Christian duty to stay in a bad situation to love someone else.

I’m not quite sure that’s what Jesus meant when he told us to turn the other cheek. Granted, there are certainly times to stick it out with someone.

People splot up over really dumb stuff now. I’ve seen people say they’ll divorce over someone not doing chores.

Which, you know, is annoying, but it’s not worth splitting up over. You can find a way to manage that, it’s silly to just throw in the towel.

There are real threats though.

The Bible does make some provisions for people not staying in a situiaotn if it’s not good for them. Such as if Christian wife or husband is married to someone who is not a Christian, they can leave them if that person is not okay with their new faith. Because spiriutally, they are not bound to them. But that’s only if the non-believer wants them to leave. if they are okay with it te y are ups to say.

And since at the time you could get killed for being a Christian, it was only sensible to let people who didn’t believe it off the hook in marriage.

The Bible instruct husbands to love their wives well, and not to deal with them treacherously. And wives to honor their husbands. As well as for fathers to not provoke their children, and children to obey their parents.

It doesn’t specifically use the word ‘abuse’, because that word wasn’t used in the Bible period. But it uses words like “oppress” very often.

And says that we should protect the innocent.

All this to say, I do not think the Bible favors abuse. We are told to reconcile with people as much as it depends on us.

So when we made the choice to separate from our father, we kept all this in mind.

We didn’t deal with him harshly, however, or take revenge. We simply set up boundaries and cut off communication.

I later reopened it once I felt I had enough space from it, my sisters and Mom are still working on whether or not they’re okay with that.

I always intended to reopen it at some point, though I waited a few years.

But that does not mean I want to live wit him. I still haven’t been in the same room with him, barring my Grandmothers’ memorial service, since he left.

Though one funny thing that happens after he moved out was that he would drive by our house in his yellow truck a lot, just creepily looking at it. It would freak us all out, which no doubt was his goal, knowing him.

I would flinch every time I saw a yellow truck for years after that.

Then it got burned up in one of the wildfires (not the recent ones, but for year ago) and we din’t have to worry about ti anymore. (Don’t worry, he had another truck at the time. He wasn’t using it.)

While I can’t say for sure it was a God thing, I did feel it was somehow poetic justice. not that I wanted my dad to lose stuff in a fire, but the truck itself was not such a big deal.

So yeah, I wouldn’t ever want to move back in with him.

But if I ever did, it would be because it was the right thing to do. And, wen he was too slow to catch me anymore if he got pissed off.

I’m more worried about my dad using physical violence than verbal abuse if I ever end up having to take care of him, so I’d hope it would be when he was too frail to land a hit.

Which sounds awful, but honestly, if it wasn’t to that point why would he need us to take care of him anyway, so t seems like that’s the only reason it would ever happen.

I’m sure he might hope we ended up having to move out of our Grandma’s house and not his extra one, but that would take a lot of convincing.

Still, if God told me to help him, I would do it.

That strikes man people as crazy, but I think ‘ts more crazy to live in a society where no one as any sense of family responsibility anymore.

Our country has tried to destroy the most basic bonds we have. Given people the idea they aren’t responsible for their children, and their parents, or their other family.

As if someone having a bad family absolves you of any obligation to them, as if having bad people in society means you don’t still need to contribute to it.

It’s not exactly rocket science to figure out at if all the good people stop participating in family, or society, the bad people will have the upper hand and just keep making it worse.

Which is what is happening. The people who aren’t psychos are saying “Nope” so the psychos keep getting their way.

It’s a self fulfilling prophecy on the part of the people who say the world is a bad place.

It’ll stay bad if you do nothing to make it better, duh. And you encourage others to do that same. Evil people will still do evil, they aren’t going to quit because you said they suck.

So that’s why I make it a point do the right thing, even when I don’t like it. Which includes still being a part of my family. I could do better at it, honestly, but it’s a work in progress.

You can be a kind person and still have boundaries, I’m not sure why people Thikn otherwise now.

So yeah, that’s my biggest fear (at least that’s tangible). It doesn’t scare me as much now, though.

–Natasha.

Living close to record breaking wildfires…

/ toseealife / Leave a comment

Wow, this has been a crazy Winter Break

I got a longer one because I live in the part of the country that is currently on fire!

I’m all right, no worries, but the schools here are closed and we can only hope they’ll be open by next week.

Which is really the least of our worries.

You know, other people get snow days, but along the West Coast, we get “fire days”. I’d say that’s way worse.

Also this is the worst fire incident we’ve had in 50 years or more, they keep saying.

This topped off a pretty weird two weeks for me. As I’ve been sharing, I’ve been doing a lot over break. My break was less relaxing than my actual job.

I bought a new car that I had to take to the shop three times. Twice it was a pretty minor thing, just some software updates that they at first told me could have been a head gasket leak that would cost 4 or 5 grand…thanks for that 2 hours of panic attack!

The other was to get the brakes checked, which they told me were fine, but then another place told me were not, in fact fine, and I will need to fix them soon. So…yeah, that was nice.

The other time I just had to get a tire patched, so no big deal.

Thankfully, the car seems to be fine now, and I hope it will stay that way for a few months at least, since I just got it.

Also I went on my first planned trip on vacation without my mom, and the day we left, I had an allergic reaction to medication I was on because of my wisdom teeth getting taken out, and I had to go ot the ER while on an island, to get meds for it.

Thankfully, it wasn’t a dangerous reaction, but it was bad enough to get hives for 4 days. I’ve never had those before, I don’t recommend it, though my case was mild, but still.

So…yeah, then we got back, and found out there was fire all around the area we live in, and my work would be closed all week.

Which is a minor concern, because the real problem is the many friends I have who may have lost their jobs or houses, or their families have, since this started.

Despite the crazy week I had, I know I’m the lucky one, and that’s saying something. All that could happen in one week, and there are still thousands of people having a worse week than I am, just in this county. That’s a staggering thought.

I’m not sure I have any words of wisdom to make a cliche speech about hanging together, but, I can say, it does put things in perspective.

I was tempted to feel sorry for myself, after all, my trip was partially ruined, and I had several days of anxiety I didn’t need, while I was trying to recover from hives, which doesn’t help with hives.

And I was worried about getting to work and making a bad financial decisions.

But then I realized how bad things were in the county right now, and that I really had very little to complain about compared to them.

I have a house and my workplace is likely to reopen, since it’s not in the red zone. So I’ll probably still have a job next week, unlike many people. We didn’t lose power, so far, and no family I have lives in the red zones.

It could have been much worse.

It could be a lot better, but, you know, no matter what’s going on with you, someone else is having a worse day, probably. I mean, if you can even read this post, I guarantee someone out there is having a worse day than you.

I don’t want to be accused of using this disaster just to generate more traffic to my site, but I did wonder if anyone would be interested in the perspective of someone who lives where this happens.

A lot of people say California is scary because of the earthquakes–and well, the lunatics.

I agree about the latter, but a fact many people don’t realize who live outside this state is that the wildfires that happen pretty much every year do much more damage than 80-90% of our earthquakes do.

Every now and then, we have a bad one, but the majority of us barely feel a jolt when it happens, and it doesn’t usually spread outside the strike zone, while a fire like this can become two fires, or in this case, up to 6.

And since we get dry weather a lot here, and that impacts fires, but not earthquakes, environmentally, we’re more in danger.

People are blaming our government for not preparing for this, and while I’m sure there is some truth to that, the reality is that the worst fire is happening near the coast, there’s not a lot we can do about that area being dry. We use ocean water to fight these fires, but the wind is what kept us from doing that, not the lack of resources.

Sometimes, nature just fricks you over.

Some spiteful people online are also saying that this is what the people in Hollywood deserved, and they don’t really feel sorry for them.

A lot of people don’t like California, after all.

Heck, I live in the area and I don’t like it a lot of the time.

Still, it is our home.

And whatever people think about Hollywood, it’s really not most of the state, like outsiders believe.

It’s true that the rich stars who had to evacuate probably have plenty of money to rebuild with, making it hard to feel sorry for them compared to the other people, still it’s their home too.

And there are many more people who are not well off, and were just doing their jobs. I know one person who had to leave a hospital they worked at over this.

I’ve noticed that we humans tend to rush to assume things are karma and judgment when disaster strikes.

Even I do, and I wonder why. Because while making sense of it is something we want to do, I don’t really see how it makes us feel better.

I mean, it could be, but the tricky thing about assuming that, is that you have to ignore how many people who are good and were innocent get caught up in these tragedies.

People like to cite religion as a source for saying all this was judgment, my own father likes to do that.

However, at least in the Bible, many disasters are recorded that were not God’s judgment. The bible even kind of makes it clear that not all bad things are a judgment. Sometimes, they are just bad. Sometimes, there may even be other forces at work besides God.

Why do we rush to assume we know what it is? Like we all know the Mind of God?

Besides which, all the churches, hospital, charities, that get affected by this, are we going to say that God judged them also?

I guess some people might believe that, but I have a hard time swallowing it.

If you’re wondering what it feels like to live through this, it’s weird how things can feel normal, in one way. As long as I don’t step outside and inhale the smoke that makes us feel sick and cough.

And as long as I don’t turn on the news.

Or check my churches’ small group chat to see how many people have family in danger right now.

It’s been strange to me many times how easy it is to ignore tragedy even when it’s close to home, because it’s not right in my backyard.

Yesterday, there was even a faulty alert sent to our area, and then another one this morning, scaring people, who thought we were out of the burn zone.

For a second, we weren’t sure if we might have to evacuate after all.

The thought went through my head that instead of just losing money from not working, I might be facing losing my house and stuff instead.

Thankfully, it was a false alarm, but even for a few minutes, I understood a little better how other people feel.

People are coming together, that’s the nice thing. It’s a lot like how the hurricanes affect people on the East coast.

I feel like I’d prefer the hurricane to this, but I’m pretty sure if I actually saw one, I wouldn’t think so. They’re still more destructive in the long run than the fires.

Still, I think of how scared the students at my school probably have even this week, and it’s weird. Mostly we only worry about school shooters and fires being started in the lab in our schools.

And even that’s bad enough, but you’re used to that threat, so you become dull to it.

You don’t really get used to the threat of wild fires. They’re unpredictable.

They think humans may have started it. We can hope by accident.

Maybe tha’t why we assign blame for this so easily too. Fires, unlike storms, can be started by man. We’ve all seen Bambi. It’s easy to blame the pot heads and crazy people out here.

Yet, it often is an accident. Or just faulty equipment. Not malicious intent (sometimes it is, and then I do think those people deserve what they get.)

The reality is tragedy can be tragic because it’s accidental, and it just happens.

I can’t moralize really about to, since eI don’t know how it started either.

I know we’ve been praying a lot out here, though some people have reported that their family/friends didn’t appreciate the gesture too much.

Whether you believe in God or not, I think it’s good to understand that people pray because they don’t know what else to do to help, but they want to do something. And some of us have no other way to intervene. I’m not offended by Muslims or Buddhists praying for me, even if I don’t acknowledge their gods. I appreciate the support.

There’s no reason to be harsh to people who mean well. Though, when we’re stressed, it can be hard to remember that, so I also hope we can be forgiving of people who may get snippy with us under the circumstances.

I was told we might get some financial aid from the government for my coworkers and I, but honestly, I think most of us don’t need it the most of anyone. If we’re going back to work at all, we’ll be better off than thousands of people right now.

I hope the government directs its resources to the people who will be homeless and jobless for months after this.

I guess that’s all I have to say. Things have taken a better turn today, and if the weather cooperates, we may get all the fires contained by Sunday, at least partially, so I hope if you pray, you’re praying that the weather will stay clam and the wind will not return.

If you are interested in donating to this, there are many things people are setting up to help the victims of the tragedy, if you look it up online, I’m not a patron of any particular charity, but I saw that some are being put together on social media.

Until next time, stay vigilant–Natasha.