Faith

My keys to Happiness

/ toseealife / 1 Comment

Hello all,

I decided to do a more lighthearted post today.

As you may know, I’ve used part of this blog to post about my recovery process after living with an abusive father for most of my life.

While I may not have as many horror stories as some people (and I acknowledge that everyone is different) it was definitely enough to poison my happiness and my self confidence for many years.

I still live with some side effects of that, but, by and large, my life has vastly improved in the lats 6 years.

I was dealing with depression and anxiety for a while because of what happened (and because I had reoccurring issues with that growing up), but I’ve gotten much better, and I’ve never needed meds. (Some people might, but I felt it wasn’t for me.)

So I thought I’d blog about some of the changes I’ve made.

Keys to Happiness

A lot of people say happiness is fleeting. That it’s just an emotion.

What I’ve come to see from both my own life, and observing other people’s, as well as reading about it, is that it would be more accurate to say happiness is a continual process, not a point of arrival.

I remember during the period of my recovery where I could barely eat because of anxiety (something my mom and sister also went trhough, and I’ve since learned is a symptom of people who’ve been narcissistically abused) some things like songs and messages would help me get trhough the dark points.

One that caught my attention was “Theseus” by the OH Hellos (one of my favorite bands still).

“At the edges of my fingers, never quite closing around it, that peace like a river always going, never getting.

Seems like maybe it’s not all that much a place, as it is a way, and ways don’t ever seem to want to stay too still, too long.”

[Theseus– The Oh Hellos]

I realized after hearing this song that the Bible describes Peace and love and joy as the paths of righteousness, and it always describes goodness as a “way” you walk.

Many major religions or even small ones, describe peace as a state you arrive at at the end of a journey But the Christian religion suggests that peace and joy are things you “practice.” You do them. You build up spiritual muscles to them. Paul even calls it “spiritual exercise” in his letter to Timothy.

I had a paradigm shift gradually after this point. I heard other people teach on the same subject around that time, I’ve always noticed that when I’m learning about a new concept, God throws other sermons and books and people into my path who echo it.

Happiness, and joy, if you prefer the deeper word, are both things you walk in. You make daily, weekly, monthly choices that make you more likely to feel happy.

1. Food

For me, nutrition was a big part of that. It was hard, but I ahd to choose to eat even when I felt sick or had low appetitet or was stressed out.

I never used to do that, and then I’d feel worse because I have a very fsat metabolism and skping evne one meal is enoght to amke me lightheaded and nasuoous. But when i eat regualra, I tend to feel much better.

I was put on a path of findi out how my body works, after suffering for several months with symspt like gaggin and acid reflux because it got so out of hand.

And over time, I learned to eat as a discipline even when I didn’t feel like it, and avoid the symptoms (for the most part) that not eating was giving me.

The weird part was I realized I had had those symptoms my entire life, since childhood, but had always avoided eating as a way to handle them.

I learned things I could do, like use anti-acids, or tea, or protein, to offset the symptoms when they started so I didn’t get to the point where I felt like throwing up.

And I’ve had problems like that since I was a kid.

I also learned to drink things with electrolytes instead of just water or to eat stuff with high sugar when I most felt like I was dropping, because it replenishes faster. And I suddenly stopped feeling sick all the time with allergies and sinus issues like I always did before. I never realized that dehydration was one of the main reasons I felt sick.

And that led me to find out that cold compresses, heating pads, and using aloe vera to help with inflammation, and using nasal spray and eye drops to help with it in hard to reach areas, could also alleviate a lot of the discomfort I felt when I had allergy attacks (which I do frequently).

My health issues have not disappeared now, and some things I did need to seek more help for, like getting a chiropractor for my spine misalignment (which also caused nausea and poor digestion)–but the point is, the entire process began because of what I experienced form trauma leading me to learn different ways of doing things.

I’m not saying that all health problems can be fixed this way, but almost all of them can be made less difficult to deal with by making lifestyle changes. And some can be cured, it depends on the problem. If I had known as a kid what I know now, I’d have missed out on a lot less activities because I felt sick or weak and didn’t want to do them. I might not have done as poorly at jobs that I felt sluggish at because I didn’t eat, never realizing that that was the reason I felt so sick.

And I wouldn’t have felt as depressed, because I realized that low blood sugar was a huge cause of it.

It’s a cycle. You’re stressed so you don’t eat, but then not eating makes you more stressed. But I had to break that cycle step by step. It was never a thing I arrived at. I’m still learning about what works for me 6 years later, but, I am a lot better now than I was then.

And that was just one physical aspect of it. But as C. S. Lewis pointed out in the Screwtape Letters, our body affects our spirits. If we treat our body poorly, we tend to treat our spirit poorly. If our body is weak, our spirit will be weak to fight off dark thoughts.

Probably 90% of depressed kids now are not getting proper nutrition, and not enough sunlight, which also has vitamins you need for your body.

We medicate them, but that just puts more chemicals into your body that are not even really good for it, because they suppress emotions, they don’t balance them, and often they don’t work very well. Even if you feel less sad, you feel less period.

Again for some people, it might work, but a lot of people don’t find it helpful, and often are not told what would most help them is different food habits and different lifestyle habits.

2. Exercising more

True confession: I really only started this one recently.

I did notice that some dancing and walking made me feel better even years ago when I started this journey, but, to be honest, I didn’t make it a regular thing enough to reap the benefits.

I’m not the best at exercising on a schedule now, with work and other things going on, but I still try to frequently work out and walk and get in the sunlight, most importantly.

Even an 20-30 minute walk can make you feel a lot better and get you some needed Vitamin D.

But even more if you sweat, sweat is a good stress reliever.

I started my exercise program for myself during my break from school/work because I realized that when I had things to accomplish, I felt less down and had more energy. I also set myself chores every week so I would feel like I was doing something worthwhile. But I’d say out of the two, exercise helped improve my mood the most and my energy.

Also I felt more like doing chores after I worked out, strange to say. Because it got the blood and endorphins glowing, which makes you feel more productive. Go figure. And you wonder how house wives and farmers wives used to get so much done in one week. It was because they had to do it every day so they were really fit and that made them more motivated (also because they actually expected their children to help them, but that’s a subject for another time). Also they took Sunday completely off, while most of us cram it with just as many activities as week days because it’s our free time.

That leads to my next point.

3. Taking Earned breaks

I would never tell people that work, work, work is the only cure to being depressed or anxious.

It helps a lot. Tests on rats have shown that a cushy lifestyle makes you more depressed and more anxious and more aggressive, not less so. All that energy you’d normally use to survive has to go somewhere. We’re no different. (The rich people who are the most happy have hobbies that are very active, and always have, it’s a fantasy of TV shows that rich people don’t do anything all day except get waited on.)

There’s nothing wrong with resting and relaxing. I can find it hard to really relax, especially when I have the most high anxiety.

Sometimes doing stuff is the best way to keep your mind off it.

But then you can swing back, like I do sometimes, and try to do too much, creating more things to be anxious about.

I sometimes rush into stuff as a way to feel more important or productive in life. I have to be reminded over and over again that your value is not determined by what you di for people and for the Lord, but by what you are and how you love (more on that later).

I need rest too. But I found it easier to rest when I actually worked first. Just lazing around on the couch all day doesn’t feel like rest because you never worked. Or taking Saturday or Sunday off doesn’t feel like rest, if you didn’t work all week.

But if you’re active, then rest is sweeter.

I’ve told my family since I Started my 35 hour a week job (more than I ever worked before in my life, though less than some people), that I realized I need to either take Saturday or Sunday to do pretty much nothing, and it depends on which week was which. Even if that means skipping Church, because that can be a stressful thing to get ready for and drive to, and it’s still exhausting for me. Especially if I’m serving in a ministry that day.

So sometimes I skip it, and rest. And I choose to stay home if I’m not feeling too good instead of powering through it, unless I have no choice.

And if Saturday is free, then I can go on Sunday, but at least one day needs to be a stay at home, don’t do anything difficult, day. Not that I do absolutely nothing, but I do light stuff that won’t physically or mentally strain me.

And the bible lays this out too. Work 6 days, rest on the 7th. I’ve found it doesn’t really matter which day it is, as long as I have one day per week. And it seems like one is enough. Two is nice, when I can, but one at least helps me have the mental fortitude to go back to work. When I don’t do that, the looming work week just feels so overwhelming, I dread it.

I enjoy work, when it’s challenging and I have things to contribute, but I also enjoy rest. They need to be in balance. I’m not the first to point this out, or the last, I’m just telling you that it really works.

And I’m only 26. I’m still at the age where you can push yourself too far and get away with it, but, I really find I can’t do that, even now. Maybe I’ll be better off for it when I’m older.

4. Doing things for other people and just keeping a kind attitude towards them

Gretchen Rubin, author of the “Happiness Project” (which inspired some of the changes I made to my life that I’m writing about, but also I found some of them before I read it a year and half ago, and she just confirmed I was on the right track) wrote that one of her life mottos is:

“There is only love.”

Meaning, I think, that at the end of the day, you really have nothing else to bring satisfaction except what you love, and choose to invest in. Especially if they are people.

And love isn’t always about doing things, though that is a big part of it.

But Corrie Ten Boom wrote how when her mother, who was a very loving person, could no longer do things for people after having a stroke, she still showed her love for them. Corrie wrote that “love is bigger than the walls that shut it in.”

Love is something we do with our souls, not just our bodies, though we should use them if we can.

Maybe you’ve seen this in a small smile a stranger might give you that still has kindness and good will in it. Or just a gesture that would seem meaningless usually but it’s done to help someone else out. Or the lack of a gesture, which sometimes says more.

A lot of us have no clue where to start with small acts of kindness, or we just don’t priortize it.

Also we have different definitions of kindness.

C. S. Lewis wrote that men think that unselfishness is not making people need to do things for you, and that women think that unselfishness is doing things to help other people.

And the difference of that is often what causes fights.

I think he’s right about men and women but I think there’s more overlap. I know ladies who never ask for help and think that makes them unselfish, but they also never offer to help you. And I know men who offer to help you a lot but then can end up making it more difficult for you by accident. And we need to do some things ourselves to feel competent and capable.

Some men think they need to stay out of the way of men, but do things for women. Which yes, by and large, I agree with. But there are nuances. Same with how women treat men.

And a lot of us never really try to figure this out.

The idea of “do no harm” is a popular way to define unselfishness now. But I don’t think it’s complete.

The bible definitely teaches that doing good is a key part of love, and even that it’s the more important part. Not doing anything is okay at times, but, only at times.

But in general, the more people who help, the easier something will be.

And often learning to accept help is a big struggle of ours. I’ve had to learn to do this too. I do not like asking for help. I actually noticed that it was making things more stiff between me and my co-worker though, that I never shared difficulties or questions about what we were doing with them.

I think people act helpless too often when they really aren’t, so I try to avoid acting that way (never let them see you sweat and all) but it can be a turn off. In this day and age people think that teamwork and being open about struggle is more important that just being able to do something alone. That was more Gen X and before’s mindset.

I find that usually I really can solve the problem myself, but asking for help makes people feel more connected with my contributions, and helps them to see I am doing things, so I’ve started to do it more. I still don’t like it, but, I’ll do it for the sake of morale.

And that’s a big part of love, I think. You don’t always like it but you make allowances for what other people need and like.

Not everything is about you.

The more I’ve put effort into doing things that I think will make others happy, the better I feel about myself and my life.

I’ve always wanted to have an impact on the world.

And while I don’t always feel that I contribute something really big, I try not to live small.

My current job is just coordinating tests for the Special Ed kids at a highschool. Basically, I sit in a room, waiting for them to come in, and hand out the tests and then collect them afterward.

I go over rules about it with them, answer questions about it if I can, or contact the teachers if I can’t. I also have to watch for cheating (an ongoing problem) and for kids getting distracted. Basically the person that kids don’t like the most, usually, on staff because they are only there to make sure they don’t do anything bad.

I love kids and hate the public school system so the job was ironic for me in many ways, but it was what I could get and it had a much better salary than my previous job, so I took it as a blessing. And it gives me a lot of time to write (I’m sitting in my “office” classroom right now writing this post, and checking every so often on the kids).

But I resolved that I would do my best to make my job work for me.

I made sure to start learning the kid’s names right off, it took a few weeks but I got most of them down. So I could actually treat them like people and not just people I had to watch.

I made it a point to say “have a good day” every time they left, and “Hello” and “Good morning” when they came in.

I bought extra things like pencil sharpeners, earplugs, and highlighters that I did get provided by the school (they give me some things, but not everything I wanted) so that I could have whatever they needed with me.

Some of them said the room was so bland it was stressing them out (and I had to agree, it was very boring). So I bought a bunch of posters that had nature scenes on them (some that looked like windows so the room looked bigger), and one with a phoenix on it that says “Grades Will rise from the Ashes” under it. (I made that part myself, my family said it was a good idea, and the kids did like it, so I guess they were right.)

I hung up some fake leaves on the back peg board and put fake flowers on my desk/table to brighten it up.

I also memorize the classes the kids are in for the most part so I could get them the tests faster.

I often make jokes or some wry comment to make it seem more like I’m human and not just some scary person. But I am firm when I need to be. When they don’t give me trouble, I don’t give them trouble, that’s my motto.

I’ve made the kids laugh with some of my jokes, so I guess it works out.

Yes, I have problems sometimes with them, but that’s teenagers, and people in general. Communication and attitudes are not always constantly good, but overall, we get along fine and they say they’re pretty comfortable coming to the room and testing here and that I make it more bearable, though they don’t enjoy the testing part much.

But I, at least, am not part of the bad experience, and that was my goal. I can’t make school less boring or annoying maybe, but I can not be part of the soul sucking experience of it. (And hey it’s not a bad school…I just know it’s stressful no matter how good your school is.)

I also try to be nice to my co-workers, and compliment them, and joke, and be cooperative as much as I can be.

This was all basic stuff, stuff anyone should do…and yet, a lot of people don’t do it.

And it helps me, not just them. By treating the kids and adults like people, I feel less bored and less lonely sitting here all day than I would otherwise. We may not be friends, but we’re like neighbors, in a sense. Not close but not hostile, we live in the same vicinity so we get along for the greater good.

Often, school and work can feel like a warzone to people who hate their job. And I could hate my job, if I wanted to focus on the negative parts.

But I don’t. I want to love what I do.

And while I don’t have any passion for testing students or enforcing rules I often think are dumb, I do have it for makinh people’s lives more enjoyable and if I can do that even at school, then, I will.

And in that way, I am living my dream even when it’s not really my dream job. But jobs come and go, really. How you look at them is the only thing you can control about your worklife.

5. Cut back on negativity

Short and simple. I indulged in reading a lot of angsty stories and listen to dark music while I was going through the effects of trauma after my father left.

It felt kind of good, and maybe there is a place for it, but finally I realized that it was encouraging me to dwell on the more dark parts of my life too much. I would get dragged back down to the same discouragement and depression as I felt before.

Especially when I was going through the time when I felt like dying would be better than living, reading about suicidal people just made me feel more hopeless.

I know a lot of people who do this, they gorge themselves on dark media and stories and say they enjoy the angst.

But it’s not good for you.

In moderation, a dark story isn’t unhealthy maybe, but if you read only that–I swear people take pride in it.

One person online told me that they just aren’t interested in a story if the happy character in it isn’t suffering abuse.

. . .

I wanted to ask them if they’d sought counseling for that issue.

Yes, as an author , I enjoy some drama, makes the story more fun to read. And yes, I write some darker stuff, because that’s life.

But I never write a happy character specifically to torture them with abuse and sadness. I have never written anything that was primarily an angst story.

Yes, it’s fun to make a character experience emotions they don’t usually, but it has to be done right, balanced and realistic. People just write with no sense of balance about it sometimes and indulge in it because pity can feel good,in a sick way.

Sometimes it can feel good to hurt people’s feelings, if you’re the type to get comfort out of making others share your own pain. (And all of us are sometimes, aren’t we?)

[Sometimes– Skillet]

But it’s not wise.

It’s also not wise to watch only political stuff that frustrates you about either side. And I have done that too. I had to cut back, it was making me hate the world too much.

Or videos about how stupid one gender is (am I calling you out yet?). Sure, I have problems with men, and with women. But the more I watch of people just complaining about them, either side, the more I think that the real problem is that. No one wants to take accountability for their part in it.

It’s gross. It’s easy to get hooked on, but it’s still gross. And it’s bad for you too.

Soon all you see is negativity.

The irony is, in my real life, plenty of people aren’t like that, and are nice, upstanding people. So if my view of the world is influenced more by people I don’t even know, online, that by people I do know irl…ins’t that a problem?

Sure some of us only know jerks…but you are what you attract, in that case, I say. We all think that we’re not also a jerk, but…if you are surrounded by them, clearly they think you’re one of them.

The point is, don’t put negativity around you if you don’t want to feel that way (preaching to myself here),

7. Get out and try new things

Another simple one, but sometimes motivating myself to go out and do anything when I don’t have to is hard.

But making friends and inviting them to do things I haven’t before, has proven to be a lot of fun. And helped me get closer to people who I’m not used to hanging out with.

I don’t have a expect opinion on the right way to do it, but I find even putting in effort, whether or not it was a success, has changed how I view myself.

I feel like a more confident person after I try stuff a little different than what I usually do.

(I recently tried karaoke for the first time. I’m not the best singer, but it was a blast anyway. The important thing is, it was new and fun).

Learning more about yourself is a good way to feel more at peace with the world, I’ve noticed.

I don’t really believe in all that self actualization stuff, but I do believe that you should find out what you like, and be comfortable with who you are.

Conclusion:

Of course, for me, all of this comes from Above.

I prayed about what to do to help myself feel better, and I believe God directed me to try all those things.

I’m still learning.

I’ve also gained a lot of perspective on my life. I am on better terms with my father, though I doubt we’ll ever be close. I’m even on better terms with the people I got along with before, but we feel closer now. Without all the unspoken tension in our house.

All in all, my life got way better, despite how difficult those dark times were.

And I learned a lot about what makes me the most happy and satisfied.

But maybe the most important part of this is you have to see waht happened as having a purpose.

The author of “Man’s Search for Meaning”, Viktor Frankl, who survived a Nazi prison camp, wrote of doing therapy with people using meaning and purpose. It was very successful, because he found that people can bear suffering more when they think there was a reason for it.

People will make up reasons, if they don’t have one provided.

The Bible has a more nuanced approach. It teaches that not all suffering happens because we deserve it, or even because God wants it to happen to us, but that it just happens, because there is evil in the world.

But, that if we give even the senseless things that happen to us to God, He will give them meaning. He will redeem that suffering.

So even if God didn’t want everything that happened to happen, He will fix it anyway.

And I found that comforting. I can’t quite reconcile the idea of the senseless violence and cruelty in the world with God’s will enough to think that everything was meant to be that way.

But I can reconcile the idea that God will heal it, even if He will not (or cannot, maybe in a sense), prevent all of it.

We can be upset that bad stuff happens period, but, that won’t stop it from happening. And people who use the idea that “nothing we do matters” as comfort, might as well not be alive at all (and many of them soon no longer are because they take that to its natural conclusion.)

The only real way to rise above pain is to accept it’s not always deserved, and it’s not always your fault, and it’s also not always not your fault. You have to take each thing as it comes and decide what to do.

Pain should not change who we are, only sharpen it.

This was not easy for me to practice, but, when I chose to, it was because I felt that the worst pain of all would be if the suffering made me not who I wanted to be. That idea was worse than the idea of more pain, and more suffering.

Because at the end of the day, we are what we have, always, to work with. Everything else changes, except God, I believe.

That was my rock.

Whether everyone will accept that or not, I don’t know, and it’s not really my responsibility if they do, but, for me, that was the motivation for trying to find ways to climb out of the pit.

And I did.

There’s more trouble ahead, no doubt, but I think I know better how to deal with it now.

And Gretchen Rubin said the same. She was learning how to be happy so that she could weather future difficulties more easily and more resiliently, because she built up those habits.

I agree.

I hope you found this post interesting or helpful.

Thanks for reading, and stay honest– Natasha.

Why Do Christians Over spiritualize everything?

/ toseealife / Leave a comment

You ever talk to a Christian who thinks everything has to have some spiritual tagline?

Like a coffee shop has to be called “Holy Grounds” or “He brews” (My churches’ coffee shop is just called Cafe Vida as a nod to the Churches’ name, but, that actually sounds like a normal cafe name. Guess we dodged that bullet.)

Or Christian gum? Or Christian versions of literally everything? if you go to a Christian bookstore, you’d be surprised how many eye-rolling puns and rebranding you’ll find. (Heck, it’s like going into Hot Topic but without the punk goth style.)

I’ve grown up around this stuff and some of it always seemed a little odd. Other stuff, it seemed cheesy but harmless.

And honestly, I don’t think cheesy rebranding is really that big a problem. People make fun of Christians for it, but, in a culture where anime fans buy plushies and body pillows based on fictional characters, and write fan fics shipping themselves with real and imaginary people, and there’s a brand store for pretty much every group out there (including Satanists) I think we could all just acknowledge that it’s not a Christian thing to be cheesy, it’s a human thing.

We like to have our little groups and to make our merch for them.

Nothing really wrong with that.

However, I’ve noticed that the attitude of everything needing to be Christian can also translated into “everything needs to be spiritual.” Everything needs to be rebranded into a certain interpretation.

I’m guessing you clicked don this post for one of three reasons.

  1. You’re a Christian who is already set to be offended by anything I say to criticize Christians–or you may secrets agree with me about it and don’t have an outlet at your church.
  2. You’re a non-Christian who wants to read about how nuts Christians are (very popular now I know)
  3. You actually follow me and read it because I haven’t posted in a month or so. (In which case, thank you so much for your support.)

I’m probably going to annoy you if you’re group 1, I don’t know about the other two.

Now to be clear, I’m not hating on my fellow believers. By and large they are the nicest people I meet, no matter where I go. Sure, there’s some bad apples, but, if I took the bulk of non-believer I met, and the bulk of believers, the believers would win out as to who has been the most kind, helpful, supportive, and positive influence in my life.

However, my critique is more than Christians only help with some things, but often have this weird blind spot that I think is not biblical and not wise, especially in this day and age where people’ have forgotten all common sense approach to anything in life.

In fact that’s what I think we’re missing as a whole: Common sense.

Or, wisdom, if you prefer the Bible word (see what I did there?).

Some people also call it discernment, but that often gets mistaken as just being about spirtual warfare. In relay, discernment needs to be a skill evyeron uses, even if you’re not a believer.

What made me start thinking about this right now (thought not for the first time) was a conversation I had with a friend at the Bible study group last night.

This guy had shared several months ago about a problem with losing his enthusiasm for doing spiritual things. He still has his faith and still love the Lord, but doesn’t feel the same drive to pray, fast, or worship. He was worried that his closeness with God was being damaged.

Honestly, I could relate to it, as I’ve had the same feeling for a couple years now. However, in working through it in my life, I’d come to see some things about it.

My immediate reaction was to say I thought it was probably just the normal dying down of enthusiasm. This guy has been a Christian less than 4 years, and I would have expected it to happen a lot sooner. We all eventually lose the first passion and have to replace it with something deeper.

However, I was the only one who had this perspective.

They meant well, but every other person in the group jumped either to “some unknown sin” (Think of Job’s comforters in that story) or to “spiritual attack” and that we needed to pray it away and stuff.

Well, I knew that wasn’t going to work. And I wished I had a chance to talk to him more about it because I felt sure I knew the real problem. But then, I wondered if I was just being arrogant and thinking I knew best, as I usually do.

Months go by and I don’t hear any more about it, but then yesterday, he brings it up again and asks if we can talk about it (well I offered too since he was asking for prayer, but he was eager).

So me, and my sister sat down and heard the story.

I can’t lay it all out, but suffice it to say a lot of lifestyle changes, new responsibilities, and probably just the natural passage of time’s effects on our emotions seemed like the root cause. There was no sin, no religious trauma (this guy didn’t grow up in church really so it’s not an aversion to spiritual things based on past experiences) and no one in his life was really making it harder. It’s just that life changes, and our passion and energy change with it.

And since the issue had not changed, despite the prayer and other “Spiritual” advice, my sister and I figured we were right. It wasn’t sin or warfare.

After we got done talking, the guy said what we said did seem to help a little. And we asked what was helpful and he said that while he’d talked to our pastor and other believers about it, no one had really given him the practical angle like we did.

Our suggestions were mostly lifestyle based.

We didn’t say to pray the problem away, to fast, or to worship.

My personal thought was he probably over did it as a new Christian, and that was why he was burned out on it. But I didn’t say it that way, I just suggested trying other things to connect with God that weren’t so spiritual, and that it was fine to use things like exercise, (my sister suggested using art, movies, and stories to find meaning that God might have for you).

I also suggested (as I always do) to read a book. The Screwtape Letters talks a lot a

bout spiritual burnout and how to deal with it. And it’s an easy read, while a lot of theology books aren’t (I love them but, they’re very dry usually.)

Whether bro will take our advice or not, he seemed relieved that we didn’t make the whole thing into even more of a spiritual crisis.

The real problem here is often that we start to feel guilt and shame for not wanting to do these things.

Personally, I’ve found it much easier to pray when I’m exercising, whether it’s just walking (what many people do), or dancing, or literally lifting weights and doing pushups. It’s easier to worship that way too.

Sometimes activating my body helps me and my soul and mind. And that’s not a new idea. Paul wrote that bodily exercise is good, but spiritual exercise is better. (1 Timothy 4:8)

C. S. Lewis addressed the loss of early enthusiasm in the Christian walk many times in his writings, like The Screwtape Letters:

“Let him assume that the first ardours of his conversion might have been expected to last, and ought to have lasted, forever, and that his present dryness is an equally permanent condition.” [Chapter 9]

He also states that we forget that we are mind, soul, and body. That if we treat our body unwisely, it will make our spiritual lives harder. We’re all united.

Also why doing the right things will make our bodies healthier. There’s scientific research to back this up, but anyone who paid attention really would notice the same thing in the people around them. My family members who lived the most sinful, undisciplined lives ended up with a myriad of health issues, while the ones who did not have even for the most part, the healthiest.

Now it’s not always true, some chronic disease are just genetics or not our choice, but, it’s true more times than it isn’t, in my opinion (And health experts agrees).

That said, do you know how many times I’ve heard any Christian go to that when someone tells them a problem.

It’s weird to me actually, how divorced we are from our everyday lives when we go to church.

I’ve heard plenty of believes give life advice that was practical when they were having our outside of church–some of them still rely solely on spiritual stuff, but many will suggest lifestyle changes outside church–but insides church, they will only say prayer, fasting, worship, whatever.

It’s like we’re ashamed to be normal human beings with normal problems.

This attitude is not remotely biblical. I’m not even sure how it got so widespread. and it’s not even just America.

I used to go to an African church (I mean they mostly were Africans who went to it, it wasn’t in Africa), and they were actually more this way. Anything could ever be cussed just by health issues, it was always the devil. Nothing could ever be irresponsibility on your part, it was la the devil attacking you.

Maybe here and there one person might suggest it was something else, but, they never really got much attention.

It was so weird for me. I mean, I wasn’t sure whether to agree or not.

But going to many different churches in my life, and listened to different problems people have, I’ve thought most of the time “You know that to could easily be resolved if you’d just mature, or make a change to your life that would be smart. You don’t need prayer, you need discipline!”

I’m not by any means saying we shouldn’t pray about everything (Philippians 4:6). But there’s another aspect of this the Bible covers, particularly in the book of James. Which makes it clear that we are not to only pray for people’s blessings. We are also supposed to bless them ourselves, if we have the means to do so’

14 What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds?…15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” [James 2]

And there are chapters and chapters of how Christians are supposed to live, how we are supposed to grow in self control and kindness and modesty (not the clothing kind).

So it’s not as if God doesn’t make it clear that we need to address our mind and our bodies as well as our soul.

I don’t know why this has gone out of the Church’s Sunday Sermons, Bible Studies, and general ideology so much. At most, we give lip service to it. But people often get very offended if you dare to advise them on any practical matters.

(Though some of us would be really glad for it.)

Despite being raised in a Christian home, where my parents both turn to the spiritual aspect more than anything else when they address issues, I’ve always rushed more to any practical explanation first.

Actually, that’s probably why. For years I’ve watched my father deal with lifestyle and behavioral issues, and he always went for prayer on them…and nothing happened.

I don’t think it’s that prayer isn’t a real help for many people. I think it’s that prayer must be followed by our actions. Unless it’s a situation that we can’t do anything about. But, if we’re honest, 80% of our problems are ones we could easily do something about, and people often use prayer as an excuse to do nothing.

They act as if God will take care of it. God will magically change your personality and life habits for you.

Yeah, well, even if God could do this, why would He?

Don’t you think God might find it demeaning to be asked to fix problems for you that you could fix yourself? Many parents and even professionals find it annoying to be asked to fix stuff for people that they could fix on their own.

And like your mom when she cleans your room, if God fixes your easy problem, He may do it by eliminating some things you don’t necessarily want gone, because it gets to that point where it’s too frustrating to deal with it anymore. (I mean that sounds like what happened to the Israelites when they wandered in the wilderness for 40 years.)

I guess the big question now is why do we do this? And how harmful is it?

I’ve spent some time describing why we need to take action in the here and now, but is thre really any reason not to say that’s also spiritual.

Well, according to James, it is spiritual. True religion is serving the people who won’t be able to pay you back for it. Often, who won’t thank you for it.

C. S. Lewis said that kind of true Christian would be someone who seems to always have a lot of time, and never talks about their problems extensively or their achievements.

I’m not there yet, certainly. But Lewis tried to practice what he preached. He tried not to think of his influence on people, as one of his friends documented. (An introduction to the the Weight of Glory tells the story.)

That said, Lewis was always wary of spiritual pride. The temptation to think that being more “in the know” about spiritual things makes you better than non-believers, or even new believers.

And we do that a lot in the modern church (I suspect it’s always been the biggest problem in any church, really).

We don’t think of it as pride.

But when we tell someone who’s opening up about a struggle that they should just pray more, or do this or that spiritual thing, but we don’t offer any other help to them, that’s pride.

It’s like saying “If you did all these spiritual things I did, you wouldn’t have problems.”

Chonda Pierce, a famous Christian comedian, told how in her struggles with depression, that was what got on her nerves the most when people told her. No one just wanted to listen to her vent and be supportive. Judgment free.

Most of us probably mean well (I’ve done it myself once or twice), thinking that’s just what we’re supposed to say–and then there are some who are just mean and dismissive because they truly don’t care.

Either way, it doesn’t help, but people generally forgive the first kind more easily.

The thing is, this or that said in prayer doesn’t always really matter. Shocking I know. But God knows our hearts. He knows what we mean, the Bible says that too. Saying magic words doesn’t make anything different.

There are things you can learn to pray for better, sure, but I never thought formulas were a good idea. Too much like the way pagans worship their false gods. Repetition. Jesus warned about that.

And he warned that over complicating things is also the work of futile religion.

The best thing to do is pray simply and honestly about what you need, thank God, and ask forgiveness. in some measure all of us should be praying those three things on a regular basis. Whether you do it daily in that order, or you do it was the need arises.

The bible also never says how long to pray, or how many days a week you should. Though it does support doing it every day, it sounds like in some place, but God never commands it in the New Testament in so many words. Jesus says “our daily bread” as the closest thing to it.

I’m not saying you should pray every day, but I’m saying that people make up all these standards. Pray for an hour, pray for half an hour, pray 5 times a day…and it’s all unnecessary.

Pray when you can, when you should, and when God leads you. Figure out the rest to fit your life, that’s what I tell people.

Reality is, especially if you’re a parent, you can’t devote hours every day to prayer. Telling people that’s the answer is ridiculous.

Telling people that more worship will fix every issue they’re having is also ridiculous.

Yes, it may help. Worship does help us relax, it does help a lot of things, but, that doesn’t mean you should be doing what you can on your end.

An old saying is “Heaven helps those who help themselves.” It’s not the bible, but the Bible does say to work and to live wisely. which is pretty much the same thing. That phrase has fallen out of popularity in our entitled, spoiled generations.

Honestly, people who work hard to make what they want happen often don’t demand as much from God anyway, and are more grateful for the hlep He does give. But they often need less to begin with because they do work for themselves.

And why should we earn part of our own success? There are things only God can give you, it’s true, but you have to remember the parable of the talents. Everyone has so much and they need to do so much with what God gives them, or it goes to waste.

And all this asking God to give you more, instead of figuring out how to use what you have better, is not a good lifestyle.

And this applies to mental health issues as well. People ask for prayer for anxiety and depression all the time…if you dare to suggest that they probably should exercise more, cut down on sugar, sotp reading angsty teen novels or watching depressing movies, and stop hanging around people who only company ob t life–well then you’re part of the problem. You dared to expect something from them.

Look, I don’t know how else to say it, if something is enough of a problem for you to ask for prayer from other people about it (since most of us don’t like sharing our problems anyway) then it’s nos you need to be willing to take action to fix.

And who’s to say God does not answer prayer by simply telling you what to do to make it better? Many of my prayers have been answered that way. And many people I know have shard similar stories.

Like when Naaman asked a prophet what to do to be cured of leprosy, and he was told to bathe in the Jordan River 7 times. He refused at first, thinking it was too silly and unnecessary, and his servants asked him “if he had asked you to do a hard thing, would you have done it?”

And so, realized that it was simple to do it, he did, and he was cured.

Simple things can be the hardest, because we can do them ourselves, we just don’t want to.

And we’re afraid to tell each other that, because peopel get the most offended when you say they need to change.

But, that’s life. Most things in life only change when you yourselves change. Tough crap if you don’t like it.

One more thing…

Perhaps a lot of this sounded only like basic common sense after all, and nothing really unusual.

But what if I said I don’t even think the attending church weekly, and participating in ministry is really most of what Christianity is about.

That might shock you.

Ministry is important, but, again, most of the ministry done through church is just more church. More 6 week lesson series, studies and prayer meetings.

Which is fine, but, rarely changes anyting in your life big time.

Helping the person you sit next to in school, on the bus, at work, that’s much closer to real Christianity.

But those are the poele who often annoy us the most, aren’t they?

Or being kind to your own family, that’s not the popular topic now, is it?

But that’s what the Bible, and really, most faiths that have nay merit at all, describe as real righteousness. Personal and private life things being in order before public or professional ones.

Yes, the public ones are important, but never as much as private, though it’s counter-intuitive to most of us to think of it that way.

But a thought to keep in mind is that Jesus Himself did not often attend church, though He did go to temple when he was in town and could. Before they drove Him out.

Jesus spent the majority of his time traveling, eating, drinking, and teaching his followers. He settled disputes, provided food, and did many miracles in private, not public. He taught often about how to live with your neighbor and your brother, not with your public.

Why? Because that’s what He was really about fixing.

And how to live with God. How to honor Him truly. How to show Him your love.

Jesus didn’t have 4 worship songs, a prayer time at the end of service, and offering.

All that was a part of his life, but in a different way. He wove it into his full life, he never separated the two like we are.

And compartmentalizing it into just chruch stuff is part of our problem. We should see following God as holistic.

You can follow God while you’re working out at the gym, reading a book, babysitting, taking kids to school, doing a desk job, doing a physical labor job, teaching, sleeping, showering, whatever.

Do everything as to the Lord, the Bible says. [Colossians 3:23]

And if any area of your life is out of balance, the best way to serve the Lord is to bring it into balance, whether you need a physical, mindful, emotional, or spiritual solution. Often it’s more than one thing.

Adn yes, there’s time to use prayer and fight on another plane, but, it should usually be only one step, not the only step period.

Food for thought, and I think I’ll end there.

TLDR: We do this because we’re afraid to admit we have non-spiritual problems because it makes us sound more ordinary and we think a good Christian should be spiritual.

But, we’re all human and it’s part of life to have normal problems too, which sometimes need normal solutions as much as spiritual ones.

Thanks for reading, and until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

The Chosen’s Problem with The Bible

/ toseealife / Leave a comment

I’ve written about the Chosen before (see The Chosen). I started out liking the show but after season 3 I had problems with it, and now, I’ve had to watch season 4 as part of a Church thing (not because I wanted to).

And I think I now have a better idea of what I think about it than before, and I am more sure that season 3 was not just a fluke. Season 4 was already on shaky ground, but after the death of Raymah, and subsequent alterations they made to match that, it has completely derailed from scripture.

Even where the Word says that Jesus lost none of His followers. [See John 16 and 17:6-12 especially vs. 12.]

I think the Chosen has a real problem with certain parts of the Bible, and the Faith of Christianity and I’m going to detail why in 10 points.

So let’s do this thing:

1. Sometimes it’s more risky to show miracles then it is to show tragedy.

    Actually, it’s always more risky.

    It’s a strange truth about human beings, we find it easier to accept bad things happen, then good things.

    The easiest way to prove this is to ask yourself how your expectations are effected by a positive or negative outcome of any situation.

    When something ends badly, and the same situation repeats itself again, is your first thought to expect it to go wrong? Or do you clear the board and have no expectations?

    And conversely, even if it goes well, do you still think it will go badly the third time? Or, at least, are you just as worried about it?

    How many good experiences does it take to cancel out a negative one?

    And how many negative experiences does it take to ruin something for you?

    The problem is that many people treat God like this.

    When I looked at the controversy around Season 4’s killing off of Raymah, (who was not a biblical character to begin with, so I guess they thought they could get away with it) the most common defense fans made of the decision was that it was a good risk to take in storytelling, and that it was good to depict that God does not always answer prayers.

    Which is a rather presumptuous statement. How do we know that God does not always answer prayers? The answer may simply be one we did not understand.

    It is true that we don’t always get what we want.

    Therefore, according to the writers, it’s okay to change the Word of God, as long as it makes a point that is not found in scripture, but is a common teaching of the modern church.

    The Chosen writers claim they are not changing the Word of God, that they are simply depicting the story.

    What I find interesting about this claim is that it’s like they think as long as they are not writing the words into the physical Bible, they are not changing the Word of God.

    Did they forget that the stories of Jesus were originally passed down through oral tradition, just like every other religion’s stories. The Gospels were not written for a few decades after Jesus died. (Probably they were written because many of the first Disciples had died and so there were less people who could tell eye witness accounts of it, and the writers of the Gospels realized they needed a record of it.)

    But for the first 20-4o years, all we knew about Jesus was by word of mouth. And that was enough.

    So it was crucial that they told it accurately.

    And the writers of the Chosen also seem to ignore that most of Jesus’ teachings were in story form: Parables, and that changing the words Jesus used would change the parable’s meaning.

    Not to mention how often both Jesus, and other prophets used visual teaching aids to make their point. Temples, rocks, trees, dust, etc.

    So yeah, the Bible has always been passed down through oral and visual means, not just the written word, and if you change it in spoken or visual depiction, which a TV show would be, you are still changing the word of God.

    Words are spoken before they are written aren’t they? If you change what God said in what you speak, performance or otherwise, you are changing his Word. Like a false prophet would not give accurate prophecies.

    This is not to say nothing the chosen has done has ever not been good. They do show some things as they happened, and that is going to have power, no matter how mutilated the rest of the show is…

    But that does not excuse it.

    The thing is, even if the imitation has some power, the unfiltered word of God always has more power than a paraphrase. The real thing is always better. And this is true of all things.

    You’ve seen copies of great art, or remakes of movies, even when they are good, do they ever hit you quite the same way the first one did? No…there’s a freshness in originality that moves us more than imitating it does, no matter how well we do it.

    Knock off brands are never as good as name brand food, or clothing, or medicine, or anything.

    Iconic things are iconic for a reason.

    2. The Pride of Assuming we can make God’s point better than He can.

    The disturbing thing about people’s justifying changing the Word of God because it’s more ‘realistic” is that it’s very arrogant to assume we just know what God thinks about things.

    Tragedy is real, I’m not the type to ignore that.

    But the whole story of the Bible is about how God will overcome all evil in the world, including the evil of loss.

    So it was important that Jesus overcome all evilest he was faced with, in His time on Earth.

    The only time Jesus ever failed was when it depended on people’s free will to accept him. Which healing and resurrection do not. That is a different matter.

    But when it came stopping to the things that plague our world, Jesus never failed to do that. You won’t find one story incident of Jesus saying no to someone who asked for healing, or failing to resurrect anyone he wanted to.

    In fact, it’s kind of surprising that Jesus never once said no…almost like it wasn’t about worthiness.

    (BTW, Jesus raised at least 3 people from the dead. The Chosen and most other depictions of the Gospels leave out the widow’s son for some reason.)

    What I find odious about what the the writers of the Chosen are doing is that they are using the Word of God, which God meant for His own purpose when He had it recorded and told tho the world, to instead teach a message of their own.

    It really wouldn’t matter in the least if they are right or not about they way God sees loss. I think it’s not really as simple as they made it out to be.

    People like to act as if there is only one reason anyone ever dies, but the Bible actually teaches clearly that there are many reasons someone can die. Sometimes it’s sin, sometimes it’s just their time, sometimes it’s evil on someone’s part, and sometimes it’s so that God can do a miracle (which is the most rare, but happens.)

    Or some may give up their life willingly as an act of sacrifice.

    God seems to see death as a complex issue, and since, to us, it certainly is complicated to experience loss, I’m glad the Bible does not give a generic answer to the problem. That would be kind of silly. And show it was not a true faith.

    That said, the Chosen has no business trying to simplify it either into something so packaged and vague that you can’t ever say for sure if it’s legitimate or not.

    The reason for not raising Raymah from the dead given is that “it’s not her time.”

    But, God no where in the entire Bible, not just the Gospel, says that it’s not someone’s time to be resurrected. That reason never comes up, there’s not that many cases of resurrection in the Bible, but none of them contain that.

    God also, to my knowledge (and I did look it up to be sure), never even says that there is a set time for people to be raised to life, aside from the final ressurrection, which is of a different kind.

    So they are making this up as way to explain to people why they do not get what they want.

    Because, you know, so many of us ask for resurrections on a regular basis…

    Yeah, I’ve never asked for that.

    Making the lesson about resurrection is suck a presumption because it’s a mystery even in the Bible why and how God does it.

    Now the message bout not all prayer being answered (at least right away) could be addressed, but it should have been around something that the Bible addresses itself, not something that we have no authority to speak on. Because, we really don’t. We don’t know the rules. We shouldn’t presume to know God’s reasons for things when He does not outright give them to us.

    Do you think I’m being a snob? But God says in His word: “My ways are Higher than your ways, and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts.” [Isaiah 55:9]

    I’m showing the respect to God that I think He deserves.

    And I don’t set up my own wisdom to be the authority on God’s ways. I only know that by His own Word, which He gave us to judge by, this does not line up.

    And that should really have won the argument right there. That anyone can even still supports this is telling about how little anyone in our cultural respects the Bible anymore.

    There are a few people who agree with me, but, they seem to be in the minority, even out of the Christian audience.

    3. Our own lack of faith is being used to justify this writing decision.

    Because we find it hard to believe in miracles we don’t see everyday, that makes it okay to say Jesus would not have always done them…because that sounds too good to be true.

    Newsflash: Jesus is supposed to sound too good to be true. That’s how we know He was God in the flesh. If he wants limited the way a man is limited, we’d know he was just a prophet, which is what the Muslims believe.

    But we believe He was God, so you cannot limit Him like a man.

    Case in point: When Jesus cast a demon out of a boy his disciples couldn’t cast out, He was able to do it easily, He had more authority that His disciples who He said would need to have prayed more, and fasted, in some versions, to do it.

    Almost like Jesus, the one who gave them authority, inherently has more authority than them. Who is greater? The one who bestows authority? Or the one it’s bestowed on?

    Heck, even Disney’s Aladdin got this right. “The [genie] gave you your power, he can take it away.”

    4. The Chosen plays it safe.

    While it has no problem putting in things that out right contradict scripture, the Chosen also is omitting everything in the Gospel that would actually be difficult for the moderm audience.

    As I said, it’s astonishingly easy for people to accept tragedy. As evidenced by how many people accepted Raymah’s death, and who are showing disgust with those of us who think it was wrong to write it in.

    But strangely, the topics Jesus taught on that would really be a problem for our modern culture, they have been omitted from the entire show.

    I kept expecting them to start including more stories and sermons, but they haven’t.

    Like Jesus’ teaching on marriage, it would not be popular now, so they omitted it.

    They omitted His teaching on any and all political issues, which He didn’t cover a lot, but did a few times.

    They omitted His teaching on hell entirely, which does not surprise me. Most people do when they cover the Gospels.

    The omitted His teaching on many other things, his parables of the talents, the poor stewards, the last days, the servants, the straight and narrow way to life…anything that might make anyone uncomfortable.

    By contrast, teachings about forgiveness and acceptance of differences never really bother that many people. There are some who think it’s too lenient, but in our culture, for the most part, it’s approved of to preach acceptance and forgiveness.

    And those are important, and undoubtedly the best parts of the Chosen, when they do focus on it. But they waste so much time on things that never happened, and they don’t cover many things that did.

    Jesus did so, so much more than what they’ve shown.

    And you may say: “Well they don’t have the budget to show all of those things.”

    I’m aware they don’t. No one could…but it would take less budget to pay for people to just sit and talk, which most of the preaching would be, or to show parables, when they are very simple stories, than it would to pay for all these action scenes that were never real.

    And to me, it’s disrespectful, it’s like saying Jesus didn’t do enough things worth talking about for them to cover, they have to add all this stuff He never did, to make it more interesting…because the Gospel was not interesting enough already.

    And yes, it may not interest everyone…but if people are watching the show to learn about Jesus…then they need to learn about Jesus.

    But the story is supposed to be about his followers!

    The show says it’s about the lives of the people He called…but what were they learning?

    Peter said Jesus had the words of life?

    If we’re going to show the disciple’s lives, it’s imperative that we show what they were really hearing and experiencing, not making up stuff that never happened to them.

    (FYI, they were never stoned either. The attempt was made on Jesus, alone, but, He escaped, and none of the disciples were injured at any point. That was all a flat out lie.)

    And I don’t object to then the how just covers them having fun with each other, or having asides that do world building. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you can stay within the realm of possibility based on the Gospels, without committing heresy and blasphemy by portraying Jesus incorrectly.

    And it is, whatever they say, incorrect. If you cut out all the hard things Jesus taught, like about divorce, and hell, and judgment…then you cut out part of Jesus…and that cuts out some of the power of His message and life.

    And without the full power of it, what are we basing our lives on?

    5. What this twisting of the story is really doing:

    I hope that all this is not intentional on the writers’ part…

    But unfortunately, I kind of think it is.

    I don’t see how it couldn’t be. They are studying the Bible to write this show, they know what they are doing is not biblical. They know it’s changing the events of the Bible to suit a more ‘dramatic narrative.”

    But they are also changing it so that it matches more their image of God.

    Someone who is patient.

    Someone who confronts people who are judgmental, the pharisees, but only for the reasons we are okay with. Like objecting to healing.

    Never for the reason that we don’t like, like think they know God better than Jesus did…

    Wow…something that might actually make us question the writing of the show.

    I mean, clearly, the writers of the Chosen just understand Jesus better than us. They’re doing all this research…you know, with non-Christian scholars (look it up), to really understand what the founder of our faith was all about.

    And they clearly leave out half of what He taught (if not more) because they just understand what we need to see about Jesus, more than we do.

    And heck, they know most people no longer read the Bible or care what it says, so they’ll get away with it.

    And that’s not exploiting the ignorance of the population, and the gullibility of new Christians who don’t know better yet, in order to make money…Since they run this thing on donations.

    And of course, us all subscribing to it on our streaming platforms….

    I mean, there’s no ulterior motive here at all.

    (I notice they also left out Jesus’ teaching about money for the most part….though they do represent greed as a bad thing…I think. But more sympathetically than other sins.)

    6. What this show represents is False Gospel.

    And people being okay with it because they think it’s a better story show two things:

    a. We have fallen very far off track in the Western church and our love of scripture. We don’t love it anymore, we’re embarrassed by it. Because all of it does not fit pop culture. So, changing it is for the best in our eyes.

    b. People do not really understand the beauty and wisdom of the Gospels.

    I’m a simple woman in one way only: If I say I believe the Bible, I mean I believe all of it. Even the parts I don’t like, the parts that confuse me, and the parts that seem hard.

    Because, I accept that I am not all knowing. That God has always seemed difficult to understand to all poeple, in all times…but that is not unusual in life.

    All the most real and beautiful things in life are hard to understand.

    Love is.

    Great art is.

    Wisdom that really works for life is.

    Life itself, with all its complex functions, is hard to understand.

    So is the biological life we experience, and the natural world, they are hard to understand.

    Even the things that are unpleasant have a purpose, and thousands of years ago we did know what many of them were, but we do now.

    Why should God be any different? How could He be? He made the other things.

    So yes, I don’t understand it all…but I don’t need to.

    I accept God’s real because I have seen Him work in my life and the lives other, and I know He is real and true. so I can accept what I don’t know.

    Not being able to do this, either on in a show,or in real life, seems to show a lack of faith to me.

    Also a lack of sincerity.

    If it it’s so hard to believe that Jesus was as powerful as He was, but that in our lives, we don’t get everything that we want…well…

    Tough.

    7: A response to these issues

    See, our loss does not make it okay to scoff at someone else’s blessing. No more in the modern day than it did 2000+ years ago.

    Just as Peter asked if John would die for his faith, as Jesus warned Peter he would, and Jesus said ” What is that to you? You follow me.”

    See, John did not die for his faith, he was the only one who did not.

    Peter picked the right one, I guess.

    John was exiled,but, he died of old age.

    Would it really have made Peter feel better if he knew John would die also?

    Is someone else sharing our suffering necessary for us to bear it?

    I think not. I think that’s selfish.

    And Jesus told Peter He wouldn’t answer that.

    And that the same for us, I think.

    No, we do not all get the same miracles… We all get our own. However many we get.

    And more than we like realize, since we’re not privy to all things that could be trying to harm us in our lives.

    But, that does not mean we should presume to know why.

    Jesus didn’t explain Himself.

    I think that it did not need to be explained.

    God knows the allotment of suffering we all will get.

    Yeah, it’s disproportionate…but, what in life is ever in equal amounts to all people’?

    Never in nature, only humans ever try to give everyone the same amount, and how often does that backfire as we realize that not everyone can have the same amount.

    Two people can eat two different amounts of the same food.

    Some people can’t even eat some foods.

    We’re not all ready for the same thing. We’re not able to do the same things.

    People who lose people in their lives now and feel the need to project that into the Gospel to feel validated…well, they are playing a dangerous game.

    Both the writers, and often the fans.

    I can’t stress this enough: THE GOSPEL IS NOT A VEHICLE FOR YOUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS AND YOUR ATTEMPTS TO RECONCILE THEM WITH YOUR CONCEPT OF GOD.

    You learn from the Gospel, you do not use it to promote your own solutions to things that are not officially in the faith. Not as if they are doctrine, anyway.

    Do we really need something so pathetic as needing to think Jesus let people die who were following him, in order to feel better about our suffering?

    As if we’re the same as those people?

    We’re not in the same time and place they were.

    Some times just have more protection then others.

    (Though, in my life, I’ve heard probably hundreds of stories by now of people being held, and even of being resurrected a few times and either I assume every single person was lying, even ones I know personally to be honest people, or, I assume that God still–shock–does miracles.)

    I don’t see this as an issue.

    And I don’t think they needed to waste our time with lies, just to push some half baked doctrine.

    There are some passage in the Bible about prayers not being answered right away, but they are for more than one reason.

    It can be lack of persistence. It can be the prayer is delayed by evil forces in the world (see Daniel). Or it can be God says no…but that’s rarely the reason given (to David and Paul are two of the only examples I can think of, for different reasons). Usually, it’s just not the right time.

    8. Is everything in the show bad?

    I don’t want to go that far. I might make the error of sinning in the opposite way if I do.

    Being too judgmental and eager to quench any good the show may do, is not a good attitude to have.

    But I must point out some things.

    I rarely hear this taught on (only by John Bevere, actually), but not all good things are necessarily God.

    At least, they may seem good, but that doesn’t mean they are good.

    See, often poeple can start with a good message, or good deed, but do it only to do a worse evil.

    Like how a child predator will use affirmation and rewards to lure a child in…but then do unspeakable;e things to them.

    And if you think that’s painting it too strong, the word says that Jesus compared twisting His word and causing people to stumble, to misleading and sinning against children, and said it would be better to be drowned with a heavy stone, then to do something like that.

    So if Jesus takes false teaching that seriously, then I think we probably should not be so flippant about how media is treating it.

    Media like the Chosen takes some good things from the Bible, and dangles it in front of the Christian audience, who are starved of it, because the World tends to mock us and tear us down in entertainment.

    So we’re desperate already.

    And then they mix in their own twist on it, just when we’re not looking, and start threading it with things that really did happen or are really Biblical, we may not even notice.

    The devil loves to use Scripture out of context, He tempted Jesus that way in the wilderness, so why not us?

    [Another thing the Chosen constantly does is take the stories of Jesus out of the context he spoke them in, rendering the meaning utterly different. Just recently they did this with the story of the final judgement of the Sheep and the Goats. They made it seem like he was teaching this to explain the idea of the coming kingdom, but He told that story as a warning to His followers, not to correct misconceptions about him. He did address those at other times, but that’s not where this teaching fits into the Bible. It had nothing to do with Mary and the oil. It took place a few days before that on the mount of Olives, and there were no pharisees present, just him and His Disciples, which Matthew 24:3 makes a point of making clear. They ruined the moment of Mary’s anointing just for more e’em impact…but I thought it took away the emotional impact to mix it up with the politics.]

    9. What is the Chosen even really about?

    I challenge you all to look very carefully at what the message of the Chosen has really become.

    Consistently, it is only a message from the most flimsy parts of Christianity (by which I mean, they are making it unbalanced), and hardly even Christianity anymore.

    It does focus on the healing and kindness of Jesus to a few people, yes, but, it ignores the main thing He taught.

    That His real purpose was to teach us how to follow God the best way, which has not been covered at all by the show.

    Not how to pray, how to worship, how to fast, none of the things Jesus said about serving God.

    Not even his speech about loving the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength”

    None of His new teachings about being closer to the Father. Like “If you’ve seen me, you’ve seen the Father.

    But Jesus’ whole ministry was to reconcile us to the father.

    His healings were part of that. Since physical and demonic ailments often are a hindrance to being close to God. (Also He was compassionate. It can be more than one thing.)

    Since all that is gone, the show is very superficial.

    It centers around what Jesus did for his disciple, and what He didn’t do…that’s it.

    It’s not about God’s glory. It’s not about Jesus’ heart for His father, or His passion for His name.

    They have no had the Temple Cleansing scene yet, I’ve heard that they will in season 5.

    The issue is that, with the way they wrote this, they are going to make it look as if Jesus did these things just to anger the Pharisees. And the temple cleansing is Him adding to that.

    But that was not why Jesus did it, at least, we’re given no hint that it was. It was Him showing zeal for Gods’ house, not to anger the Pharisees.

    They take away huge parts of Jesus’ character, and by existence, His Disciples.

    It’s not okay to ignore that they were real people.

    Jesus is not just an idea you get to use to show whatever side of Him you are comfortable with.

    He is His own person, and you should show Him in His own words and deeds.

    Who can explain God better than Himself? And who can possibly hope to undrstand Him but Him?

    So how can we think changing Jesus, in any way, is acceptable.

    I don’t think they need to show ever sin thing He did, but what they do who’s should be what He did, and what He was like, not what we think He should be like.

    A if we could ever know that, apreit form Him.

    AS C. Lesis wrote, we shold pray to God “not to WAht I think Thou art, but what what Thou knowest Thyself to be.” IF w’re to be really honest about it.

    10. My conclusion about the show

    Boldly, I think no Christian should support what the Chosen is doing.

    The good they have done, I question how good it really can be.

    How can showing people a fake version of Jesus really help them?

    Yes it may get them to read their bible…

    But the thing is, that doesn’t help them, if in doing it, it has taught them to read it looking for the version of Jesus they’re seeing on the screen.

    To read it with a bias, and filter out what they don’t like.

    And if you think a show could not do that…then you don’t understand psychology. Because media does that all the time to us, and we’re lucky if we’re at least aware of it.

    Movies try to make us feel most things are the way they show them, and it’s convincing.

    Bad enough they corrupt sex, family, dreams, and art, but, you stay away from my Lord and Savior, you liars.

    People will always try to twist Jesus to suit them.

    But I must say, I’ve never seen anyone do it so openly, and gt so little flack for it from even Christians.

    Yes, skeptics often praise watering down Jesus because they don’t like Him the way He is, but I expect that. Though it annoys me.

    But those of us who are supposed to love Him, if we don’t really love Him, as He is…What are we even doing?

    Why call yourself a Christian if you don’t like Christ?

    No one seems interested in answering these questions who supports this show…

    But I still have to keep asking them. I can’t afford to let myself be hypnotized by fancy special effects and decent acting to accept things that are not true.

    And no one else should either. You have a responsibility to crack open your bible and find out if this show is right or not.

    And not to just to look for it to confirm what you’re seeing, but really, really look.

    And sorry to the writers , but any real perusal of the Gospel will show clearly that Jesus is not like what they are showing.

    At times, yes, He may be something like it…but never as cut and dried as they want. Never as non-confrontational, or non-controversial.

    It’s His teaching that still offends us to this day that gives us a real taste of what it was like to follow him.

    And they should cover it, or they should shut up about it, because Jesus does not need you to show only part of who He is to the world. The world can do that itself.

    It’s our business to show all of Jesus, as much as we can, since we are entrusted with the spirit and knowledge of Him to do this.

    And throwing that away, frankly, makes me wonder if the chosen writers ever really had it to begin with.

    But that’s not for me to say. I only wonder how much they can love God, if they would not even show God in the most simple way we have, His word is as simple as it gets, every other experience of God is harder to endure than that, so if you can’t even get that right…

    Well, I don’t know. God knows their hearts. Maybe they are sincere.

    But it looks bad.

    And even if they were, it doesn’t make right, only makes them seem more sympethic.

    That said, I urge you all to be careful about this show. Even approving of it partially is still sending a message to the world that we really, honest;y, don’t care that much about our Bible.

    And they may like that…

    That’s exatly why we shouldn’t be doing it.

    Untit next time, stay Honest–Natasha.

    Does Christianity work on me?

    / toseealife / Leave a comment

    Hey fahm.

    You know, I never talked like that before I liked Camie’s character in mha, it’s funny how you can change how you talk based on things like that.

    Well, I think it’s fun to have more of an accent anyway.

    How’s everyone doing? I know I haven’t updated this blog a whole lot lately. I’ve been writing a lot on Wattpad.

    But hey, I’m up to 2.3k views on one story, if y’all want to go check that out.

    [ https://www.wattpad.com/user/worldwalkerdj ]

    I’ve also not had a lot to blog about, other than getting a new kitten (who’s doing great still btw, I wrote more about her here: New Kitten)

    But an important milestone happened last month, it’s officially been 2 years since my dad moved out.

    WOOOOO!

    I cannot believe it’s been that long. Still feels like a few months ago he was here.

    And I still can’t believe it was mostly my efforts that made it happen, with some help from my siblings.

    It’s so weird. That’s a part I rarely tell people who actually know me, I feel like it would shock them. People already don’t get why I was happy about the whole thing.

    In hindsight, I could have been more tactful about it, but I am an open book…

    People have to get used to that about me, it’s a shock at first.

    To this day, we do still feel bad about it at times. My dad didn’t hesitate to lay the guilt trip on thick when I did talk to him for the first time.

    And it bothered me.

    I still get dreams about it all too. They tend to make me doubt myself, my worth, my decisions. My sisters gets them too.

    But the difference now is, he’s not here. We can replay all his words in our heads, but he’s not here to say them. At some point, either you embrace that or you don’t, I think.

    Something that bugged me a lot about it all too is this:

    Does Christianity really work?

    If my mom and dad really believe, how can they act the way they do? Why are they not kinder?

    But recently, I’ve realized I could ask myself the same questions.

    Christianity ought to make me happy all the time, if it’s true. It’s truly an amazing belief. Puts everything in the right place, mean that life has a meaning beyond what we can imagine.

    I think the very reason it doesn’t make me feel that way all the time is because humans cannot hold the whole truth in our heads for very long. You grow into it…

    But really even a piece of Christianity is enough food for thought to last you your whole life, so the whole things is even harder.

    Other religions usually just have piece of Christianity in them, and the make more of one thing than another. Then add their own stuff to it.

    If we could fully realize it at all times, I think we would live completely differently always.

    But our focus shifts from one element to another.

    In my life, I’ve accepted that God highlights certain aspects of it for me when I need them. That I can’t try to focus on it all at once, I grow in one thing at one time, and another thing at another time. And hat is the only way I think we really can live.

    If that’s not your life, you’re probably not grown at all.

    And why would I want to exclude certain parts of it anyway? I want the whole picture.

    All the immature Christians I know tend to end up stuck on one thing, and they refuse to leave it, ever.

    You’ve met the type no doubt, if you life in the West. They harp on about judgment, or holiness, or grace, till you’re sick to death of it.

    And you wonder “what about all the other elements of it?”

    Yeah, being a well rounded Christian is kind of like being the avatar. You can’t rely too much on one element, you need all of them together, or you’re off balance.

    God is a consuming fire, you have to know him as such–but he’s also the living water, and you need to know Him as that.

    And really, that’s what make God interesting, isn’t it? As well as people, if you really get to know them.

    We spend too much time in our niches now. It used to be you had a friend you learned different stuff about that friend.

    But now I can have online friends for each interest i my life, and never need to go beyond that, ever. And it’s no wonder I feel like I don’t really know any of them that well.

    That said, I can’t always know why some Christians don’t live the way I want.

    But there’s two point to be made here.

    1. Christians are never promised to be 100% perfect while on earth. We’re told that will not happen, n fact–and we wouldn’t’ be able to relate to anyone else if it did.
    2. It’s entirely possible my idea of what everyone should live like is shallow and narrow minded. Do I know everything? No.

    And those who criticize Christians for that reason are actually kind of arrogant. Like, you think you can judge us for still having issues? Do you have a better way of life? Are you doing so much better?

    Christianity does not promise to fix all you problems overnight. It promises to save your soul.

    What you do with that, is going to be a journey.

    But whats the alternative?

    I’m convinced that there is no way of life we can take as human that it will turn us into angels.

    But Christianity is the only thing that will make anything close to it.

    The idea is how close are we getting?

    Christian re not always good peopel, but mor chirsitn are good people than people who have no God, and no faith. Or who have iath ina ahrshed God.

    Not all charitiyes are chirsitn, but most of them are.

    Not all world chagner have ben chirsitnst–but mst of the ones we still revere to this day were.

    Not all really good books and sotreis are christiant, but many of the ones we still like after so many centureis were.

    One has to look at the tendancies of man, not isioated indivuaile, sometiems.

    While my dad was a jerk, and still is. I can’t being to guess how much worse it would have been if he did not at atle thav eto rpetend to be Christiatn. If it spared me one bad moment out of two, then it was something.

    And he at least taught me to trun to God, even if he did not practice it himself the way I think he shoudl ahve.

    My dad, while the most destructive force in my life next to my own human nature, also ushered in a lot of moments of truth for me.

    Do I like him? No.

    Can I ignore that? No.

    God brings good out of bad, that’s what He does. He doesn’t just keep all bad away from us.

    I find that view of life escapist.

    I know that people often see this explanation as a christian cliche, and bitter, angry people do not want to hear it anyway.

    But I’m to the point where I think: Well, sure, it’s cliche…but what else could you conclude based on the world around us?

    God has to be good, I know, because if God was evil why would anything good still exist?

    An Evil God would not bother giving us free will, would He?

    You can’t reconcile the presence of Good and Evil in the world without a good God giving his creations free will, it’s just not possible.

    If God was evil, we all literally wouldn’t have a prayer. If God didn’t care, then we would all be dead already from our own stupidly.

    If God is Good, but does not force us to be, then we have our answer. Evil has consequences. To stop them is to render it meaningless to choose at all.

    You can’t give your kids keys to the car, and then put it on autopilot, and say that they drove it. It’s just not how choice works. If they crash it, that was a a risk you took.

    But it’s more of a risk to not let a kid learn how to do things for themselves, is it not? If you cannot coddle them through life, what will they do?

    And God could do that for us, but he seems more interesting having adults, or at least kids with some sense of self.

    Every child understands the idea of choice, it’s us older people who try to say we don’t have one.

    It’s an old answer, but maybe let’s old because it’s true.

    We should consider that, you know.

    Some things are just true, so they are eternal.

    I know that people who have been hurt do not want to hear that it had to happen.

    And maybe it didn’t, I’m not sure sin ever “had” to happen.

    But it does.

    We all do it.

    I’m inclined now, at 22, to think it’s a better use of my time to let God heal and teach me to live better, than to whine about how it all sucked.

    Jesus suffered too, after all.

    I still have lots of memories of self pity, but God willing, they are getting less.

    And I do have some things I still need to work through, but I’m leaning also that it is not the most important thing in the world.

    I guess, I’m saying, we can complain about our lives…or we can take the offer to have them made new.

    But guess what, whether you take Gods’ offer or not, you’re life is still going to have bad things in it.

    It’s just a matter or whether you ever want there to be more to it than that.

    That has always been what Christianity offers. Not an escape from the world, but from yourself, and your pain.

    With that thought, I think I’ll just end this here, this is short for me, but I think that’s okay.

    Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

    “I’m bad at love!”

    / toseealife / Leave a comment

    Time for a confession: I’m bad at love.

    I’m the blogger who’s always like “love, love, love” “The secret to life” “the truth about love…” etc.

    But I suck at it.

    I don’t know if anyone is actually good at love, though.

    Is there a single person out there who prioritizes love as their goal in life who thinks they are doing it right?

    Show me someone who does, and I’ll show you someone who’s not really as unselfish as they think they are.

    It’s true that some people achieve a form of contentment with how they love. And that’s not a bad thing to an extent, feeling satisfied with the relationships in your life, but often that means you’re only focusing on a certain few relationships.

    Like maybe you love your wife, but you don’t love your parents the right way.

    It’s so rare that an human can perfectly balance all their relationships and ways of loving.

    Some of us are good with loving our kids, but not our spouse. Some of us are good with friends but not as lovers.

    Much more often though, we’re just good at certain parts of love. When we need to be firm, we’re good at it, or when we need to be soft, we’re good at that, but not good at switching gears. And in all love, you have to be both.

    I speculate that even if we could be a perfect, romance novel type of person who never gets mad at their SO even if the do terrible, stupid things…we’d still think we could do better.

    But to be honest, even that’s a are person.

    Most of us are where I often find myself: Complacent. We think we’re pulling enough of our own weight to excuse any indulgences of selfishness.

    I’m embarrassed to admit that even recently I’ve fallen into thinking “Well, I do all this, and I’m trying. And they (insert whoever I’m mad at right then) are not, so it’s okay if I feel disappointed and bitter, but they should try harder.”

    And only after months of this does it finally occur to me, by some move of the Spirit maybe, that…” hey, maybe if I’m thinking this, it’s a sign I’ve started to drift away from love as my focal point.”

    I mean, I think about love all the time–as something I want.

    And, okay, I’m not the worst woman in the world. I do try. Even when I’m in a selfish rut, I will make an effort to show care to others because that is my standard. I believe I should.

    And absolutely, in moment when we all get in that mindset, it’s important to have a standard we’ll hold ourselves to anyway, even if we’re doing it with a self pitying attitude, because it’s not okay to just lash out at and hurt others because you feel neglected. I used to do that.

    A lot, actually, but since my Dad moved out, I’ve noticed how much like him that behavior is, and tried to stop.

    I remember Hannah Hurnard’s brutally honest observations in “Hinds Feet on High Places” when she noted that most of our love, as fearful people, is “longing to be loved.” C. S. Lewis noticed the same thing in “The Great Divorce” and “Till We Have Faces.”

    I think all people are afraid they won’t be loved. Sometimes even if you have really good parents, you fear it all the more, because you think you could do something to them they really don’t deserve, and lose their love. What else is the story of the prodigal son about?

    If you’re like me, and you will never get love from them, no matter how much you try, then you feel you were doomed from the start.

    And it hit me in the last week, that the real reason I find it hard to forgive and let go of resentment is Fear.

    I think that’s the reason we all do, actually.

    Fear motivates spitefulness and hatred and bitterness. (All things that plague Much Afraid in Hurnard’s book, interestingly enough)

    I think it’s becuae as long as we fear someone who hurt us, we think they can keep urting us, and that maks us angry, and that angeyr make it impsosible to forgive them.

    When I don’t feel afraid of my dad, I don’t feel like I hate him. But any time I ruminate on what he did and wants to do to be still, I get angry, because I fear it. I fear he can still hurt me, and that I will never heal.

    And whether that is at all based on the truth or not, I don’t know. I doubt it. I think that time is passed. but, there it is.

    I notice often bad dreams trigger me to start thinking of this again, I know that happens to a lot of people with trauma. We have to deal with them quickly. If I don’t the fear comes back. Even if I wasn’t scared in the dream, my mind ends up on those things.

    I know my dad had nightmares of his messed up past even to the time he move out probably (which as of last month is now officially 2 years ago, whoo hooo!) and he never got over it, he wouldn’t face them.

    My dad, in fact, lives in deep terror, whether he admits it or not, but he won’t confront that fear enough to move on. It’s easier to live in lies and self pity than it is to face your fear, and grow into love.

    And really, I sympathize with him in my more clear headed moments, because I know I face those same temptations. And nothing makes me a better person that him.

    I would have mistreated people just the way he did, in fact, I have, in the past And while I can write off some of it as I was a child and too young to know better if I wasn’t taught, there are people who never grow out of it (such as my dad…)

    And so easily, even now, I an start thinking like him. The whole world is against me, no one likes me, I always get put down…I am lonely.

    But I’ve begun to notice, after 2 years, that I am not open to people always the way I think I am.

    I just never learned how to act normal around them. I’ve made some friends who are kind enough to overlook that, but I know sometimes I make them uncomfortable. I only realize it after I’ve done it, though, my foresight is not great.

    I know how to react to people, that’s what I’m used to, but how to communicate the right way when I have to start it…I always feel like I’m too intense. All the confrontations I saw growing up were one person bullying another.

    And sometimes it was my mom, not my dad, who was aggressive and violent, that was weird to realize. My dad was worse, but she could be savage too, not in a good way.

    I thought it was normal. My default in confrontation is to jump wright into the crux of the issue without much of a warning, because that’s what I saw. I know in my head that in can be better to ease into it, but I neither know how to do that, nor know how to be patient if someone else tries it. I just want them to get to the point.

    I’m used to being accused, so I wait for them to accuse me, and then I either decide to take the blame, or to fight it.

    But while sometimes you have to be in that position, it’s not a good default mode to have. I know that now.

    This is how I’m bad at love. I can know that, but I can’t act on it of my own volition.

    I’ve spent two years now trying to learn how to actually love in the absence of my dad’s domineering presence, I thought it would happen without that toxic black hole in my life.

    And some things did get better, but it’s not magic. It’s still work.

    Trust is like a pond of murky water
    Too dark to see, mysteriously undercover
    I can’t jump off the high dive even though I really want to
    My toes are hanging off the ledge

    Trust is a tree that towers fifty feet above us
    Grown over time through many seasons
    Believing in something more than just the surface
    I trust that this is worth it
    But my toes are hanging off the ledge

    Lord, help me, there’s a thorn in my side
    I feel the tension and the fear in truth
    I carry life in between the divide
    But all the wrestling has left me bruised.

    How sweet, the taste of certainty
    That gift you gave is safe with me

    Hold to this, significance
    Lean into the process
    Rest and know, the love you hold
    Won’t be taken back, no

    How sweet, the taste of certainty
    That gift you gave is safe with me
    Na, na, na, na, na

    Trust is like the middle of the ocean
    Can’t see the bottom but I’m floating here, supported
    I know that it can take me even deeper if I let it
    But my limbs are trying to swim away

    Hold to this, significance
    Lean into the process
    Rest and know, the love you hold
    Won’t be taken back, no

    How sweet, the taste of certainty
    (Releasing hope to carry me)
    How sweet, the taste, never let it go, no
    (Na, na, na, na, na)I see the walls that are torn and bent
    The tug of war in the now, not yet
    Holding back what they can contain
    Can you tell me why I feel this way?

    I have faith that the world I’m in
    Will be redeemed to its place again
    But there’s a weight that I can’t explain
    So tell me why I feel this way.”

    Like Paul said, “I don’t do what I want to do.” (Romans)

    And like Shakespeare said, “I can easier teach 20 what it were good to be done, than be one of the 20 to follow mine own instruction.” (Portia, The Merchant of Venice.)

    But, the answer came to me, as it always does, before I even knew I needed it. Before I had all this hit me in that last couple weeks, I reread “The Hiding Place” with my young cousin.

    At the end of that book, Corrie Ten Boom says that when she had trouble loving one of the Nazi Prison Guards from the camp she was at, she told Jesus “I cannot forgive this man, give me your forgiveness.” And she felt a rush of love run down her arm for the guard.

    She then writes “When He (God) tells us to love our enemies, he gives, along with the command, the love itself.”

    Jesus said “I am the vine, you are the branches, abide in me.”

    And you see, my mistake, I now realize, has been I was trying become more loving on my own.

    It’s laughable really. I wanted to prove I was no like my dad, (and thought I know from Todoroki that its not going to work if i do that, I still forget), and so I tried, but I didn’t’ pray to God for help when I should have, and I let myself try too hard on my own, for too long. Till I feel like I hate everyone around me.

    And even if that didn’t turn me into a prick like Endeavor, it won’t make me more loving.

    It’s like I think I can be exempt from the rule, that I’m not as bad as everyone else. What am I on, right?

    But I’m also realistic enough to know I’m not more delusion that the average person…just no less delusional either.

    But at least I can snap out of it. I know I’m lucky. God puts things in my path to set me back on track.

    I had a thought last night too, I can see God’s hand in my life from start to finish. But why do other people not see that.

    And my thought is this: Perhaps it takes opening yourself up to God to begin with to be given the insight to see your life the right way at all.

    Maybe until you let God in, you will never see how your whole life has led you to Him, even the sin. Many people who come to God later come to think that their sin itself is what pushed them to Him, even as they were trying to get away from him by doing it.

    I remember running from God when I was 11 to 13, and the harder I tried to get away, the more it haunted me. The more I knew it was just God I was afraid of. I could never lie to myself enough to think I just didn’t believe in Him. I wonder if anyone really does, deep down, think that.

    But when I ran from God, I also knew He was the only cure for the disease I had. I was just too afraid of it. When I came back to God, it as because I accepted finally it would be worse to die of the sin disease than to embrace the pain of being cured from it.

    And in typical fashion, God then made the curing of it far less painful for me than suffering from it was. I’ve had bad moments in my Christian walk, but even at its lowest, I can’t compare it to the horror of before.

    And even if I felt as bad at times as a christian, it is always when I doubt the most that I am one. When I am secure in who I am, the suffering is not what matters most to me.

    Another thing that occurred to me during all this, was how I know that all this is not just in my head.

    I actually have a rather strange way to know that.

    I’m the kind of person who dwells half her waking life in imaginary worlds. I write a lot, my sister and I reenact stuff in order to brainstorm, I act. I know what’s imaginary more than I know what’s real, most of the time.

    Basically, I’m the type of person who always imaging talking to people who are not real. But I know they aren’t real. It’s fun, but it’s not like talking to a person. There’s no give and take.

    And I know many anime weebs do what I do, and do it even to a perverted extent. If you’re in the fandom, you know…if your’e not, it’s probably better I don’t explain it here. Look it up if you care, but I don’t recommend that.

    Suffice it to say human corruption runs even to the most innocent of shows. Sadly enough.

    But many weebs are very lonely individuals, and loneliness leads to perversion faster than anything else does.

    But the thing is, they are still lonely. Fantasy lives of the kind they have don’t fill them.

    If you hang around fans, you’ll notice the frantic, almost rabid energy they have toward their favorite character, and their unfettered need to hate their lest favorites. It seems excessive.

    But fans try to milk everything for the most enjoyment they can (which is fine).

    Now, walking with God, I as a fan have used that energy as motivation to thank God for the stories I like that I think I learn from. My fan side turned back into devotion, though I do struggle with the balance, like anyone else would. But God wins out every time.

    And oddly, it is exactly because I dwell in fantasy so much that I know God is not a fantasy in my head.

    I know what it’s like to talk to people who are not real. What it feels like. You can be emotionally invested in them. All writers are. But they aren’t real. You now that. You know it’s one sided.

    And a fan knows ultimately that either love is fake and one-sided, the character will never be real–no matter how violent you get when someone makes that completely obvious point. (If I was on YouTube right now and commented that under a video, people would jump on me, even though it’s just a statement of fact.)

    Talking To God is not like that. I think most religious people would back me up on this. You feel like your are talking to a person. There’s a response. Even in Silence, there’s a response.

    I mean, would you get mad at an anime character for not answering you when you call? Or do you get mad at your brother for doing that? Or you child, or your parent.

    You can’t really be upset with someone who is not real. You can feel a dislike for them, but you know it’s all for fun, really.

    We can even dehumanize real people to the point we treat them like the are imaginary…but it doesn’t go the other way around, does it? You can make something less real to you, but it is hard to make it more real to you.

    Ever had someone ruin a movie or show for you by telling you the special effects they use to make that awesome scene? And it was fake the whole time?

    As a kid, we all had that, right?

    Did you ever feel the same watching it? No. Because it could be made less real to you, but it cannot go backwards. It can’t be more real to you.

    I think the only thing that make things feel more real is our own maturity to appreciate them growing. And that process is hard.

    C. S. Lewis wrote that children outgrow fairy tales, but adults eventually grow back into them. That’s part of life. Everything you like you must learn to stop liking it for a while, in order to like it in a deeper way later.

    Which is why marriage can be tempestuous after so many years, but the couples who stick it out often find a deeper kind of love. Friendship too. Even sibling relationships play this out. and those ten to be the least antagonistic out of family dynamics (there are exceptions).

    That applies to love too, doesn’t it? How we love? We have to grow out of it, so we can grow back into it.

    If we don’t embrace that process, we won’t be able to really love anyone or anything.

    Maybe you need to hear that, huh? It’s okay to let something go, it doesn’t mean you can’t love it…it means you need to give you over time to mature. Don’t try to recreate old feelings if they are just not there…embrace the journey. (I mean that when it’s applicable, of course.)

    I don’t mean to give up on a relationship if it no longer feels the same. I mean, if you accept it is not the same, and decide yourself to make it the best of what it is now, you’ll either find you dont need it anymore, or, it will turn into something better, deeper, given enough time.

    That’s why if you love something you have to set it free.

    Well, I’m little better at love than I was, because I have a good teacher.

    I hope this helped someone today, until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

    P. S. (Thanks to all the people who kept reading this even while I was gone for while, I appreciate that.)

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    Me, my name, and I.

    / toseealife / 5 Comments

    To add to this list of things going wrong in my life, our microwave is busted, and we live off leftovers and homecooked meals in my house.

    Oh well, I guess we’ll have to rediscover the art of reheating on the stove or oven until we can get a new one. Maybe by the end of the week.

    It’s funny how stuff piles up isn’t it? C. S. Lewis observed that when things begin to go right they generally keep going right for a while, the same when things begin to go wrong. It’s like our life is a pendulum. The old saying for it goes “it never rains but it pours.”

    With a slight dying down of my physical symptoms, my depression and anxiety and intrusive thoughts re-surged, this seems to happen every time, the two really seem connected.

    But every time, I am starting to reach out a little more. To more people. Broadening my range of who I will rely on for help. It’s not easy for me to do that, as I’ve been burned many times even by Christians, by people who say they want to help but never call you or want to talk it out.

    This is not an indictment against the Church itself, I blame this culture of distance and isolation more, we’ve forgotten not just how to support each other, but I honestly think we’ve forgotten what people even need from each other. Why else do so many self help books try to explain it to us?

    It’s funny, I bet people from centuries ago would find it ridiculous. We humans have always advised each other about what others need, but we used to keep it to a basic religious philosophy with personal experience, not thousands upon thousands of options.

    I think one of the only true differences between this age and the past is the options.

    It’s actually interesting if you study communication throughout history, you’ll note how as it increases, so do people’s options worldview-wise. The invention of the newspaper and pamphlets basically was the reason the Revolutionary War was fought and won.

    The telegram made the Railroad more effective and safer, and made War News easier to relay over long distances in a short time, changing how we fought wars.

    And now computers and internet have made knowledge about anything and everything accessible to people who are barely literate.

    The true change throughout the world is the swapping of ideas more easily and readily. You can see it as a good or a bad thing, but it’s a fact, and it’s not likely to go away.

    I almost think this crisis has got us all thinking way too much on a global or national scale. If you think about how miserable other people are all the time, how can you ever let yourself be happy? Anne Frank wrote of that in her Diary while in hiding.

    Personally, I only feel more depressed when anyone alludes to COVID. It disheartens me to be reminded of how everyone supposedly is discouraged and depressed.

    I get the same feeling when I watch anime, maybe you other weebs have experienced this, but is anime not the most depressing crap ever? Even the happy ones can be depressing.

    I think it’s the unfinished feeling of their storytelling, no problem even feels truly resolved by the end of the story, the message is generally, “they’ll just keep going with the same problems, for all eternity. Gleaning happiness briefly form others, but never forgetting their sorrow.”

    Come on, that literally could be a tagline of an anime or manga.

    Western stories are entirely different. Something gets resolved at the end, whether it’s sad, like most European stories, or happy like English or American stories usually are. At the end, you can say as Jesus said “It is finished.”

    Oh sure, you know theoretically that the characters will live on in the fictional setting, but the story you need to know is over.

    I think that’s why there’s arguably more fanfiction about anime and other Asian mediums, at least more that is constructing a cohesive storyline, and not just having fun with it and trying a few different settings out. I mean the 200+ chapter longs stuff. (The kind I write)

    All my longest fan fics have been about anime or anime inspired shows. Save for one, but that one was done more sporadically in some ways.

    There is just something so irrevocably depressing about the idea of going on forever trying and never quite succeeding, like a bird in the water toy.

    I think anime is addictive for that reason, because it never feels finished, people always want more, most probably don’t even realize they are waiting for that ending. That’s why weebos hop from anime to anime, trying to find one that satisfies that need for a good ending.

    Yeah, I know, one year as a weeb and I’m an expert? Maybe I’m wrong, but I know the affect it’s had on me is exactly what I’m describing, I am never satisfied, and if I like the ending, I still want it topped by something else, I still have something to be desired.

    Unlike stuff in my country. I have wanted plenty of sequels for my favorite movies, but that has never made me unsatisfied with the original. Not like anime.

    I imagine plenty of weeboos would be mad at me for knocking anime in this manner, or they’d sheepishly agree with me, sometimes they are surprisingly honest or self deprecating. They are also by and large, depressed.

    I know maybe two who aren’t, at least I haven’t heard form them that they are, but I’m not sure.

    And the fandoms have to be some of the most depressed sounding people I’ve ever heard.

    Why am I bringing it up? Maybe you alredy guessed I see a connection between this and how depressed young people are in general.

    Oh, I’m not blaming anime, though a lot of it is not helping. I think youth are drawn to it because they already are discontent with their lives. But I think anime magnifies it, I’ve noticed it much more since I started watching it.

    The truth is, I don’t think young people actually mind being depressed that much. They are so used to it, it’s popular to gripe about it on line, and if you are the rare person who isn’t (not an anime person definitely) you feel no need to talk about it. Misery loves company, right? Contentment is quiet.

    I never feel the need to write about it when I feel happy, because I am just happy, it’s when I am suffocated by sadness or fear that I need an escape.

    I never am clear on what I’m escaping from exactly, a lot of empty possibilities that will never happen? Myself? Reality?

    I got to say, young people are more afraid of spectral threats than we are of real ones.

    We’re hiding out form the trouble in the world, the possibility of the apocalypse, the looming threat of society’s well being being left to us and the fact that we are not as a whole, the last bit prepared for that.

    I digress.

    I’m trying to figure this out because I want not only to be saved from this horrible trend of depression and discouragement in my age group, but I want to be able to pull others out of it. I get heavy hearted when I think of the amazing, sweet, kind people who feel like they are crap because they have depression and anxiety and mood swings.

    I wonder if I was the only one who struggled with this, would I feel better? It would suck to be a loser (as I’m sure I’d feel like I was) but it’d be encouraging to know most people aren’t like that and there might be a way to be normal.

    Jesus said “I did not come to call the righteous, but those who know they are sinners.” and “it is not healthy people who need a doctor” But being healthy is meant to be nomral.

    (Is it even normal anymore? Seems everyone has a diagnosis of something nowadays. A lot of it is neurotic too.)

    Well, I am not trying to add to the depression. I want to suggest that a lot of it is just… false.

    Not that the feelings aren’t real, of course they are, but I know half of what I get depressed over is not reality. It’s what I fear my reality is, or will be. But in a moment of clarity, I know it’s not true, and probably never will be true.

    Getting depressed over how dark the world is is easy, but it’s not based in Reality.

    The World is Dark, the world has been dark since the fall, but people have never derived their joy from the world, if they were smart, but form each other and from God and from doing good work. Solomon wrote that that is the best thing to take Joy in.

    Everything in the world is vanity, without the Love of God to give it meaning.

    The most lasting man made things are the ones that reflect God’s Nature the most. Beauty, Simplicity, Courage, Glory, even Terror, all feelings God invokes in us, and symbols of those things have stayed with us.

    I don’t write to you as someone who’s got this figured out, I’m seeking it. I’m trying to find how to Live. I am sure at least it involves getting outside myself and my own head, forgetting what I think I know about coping with my life, and embracing what God actually says.

    All of which seems impossible, but God is a God of the impossible.

    In the words of many Christian songs, I am reaching the end of myself. I am running out of my own ideas. And whenever I really do finish, I think I am gong to find God waiting there, and it’ll be clear at last, what I only got glimpses of up till this point, it’ll be in full color.

    I must be so close now, if I can even guess that’s the end of all this.

    I think if I had that revelation, I would not need medicine, or therapy, because those are for people who have not yet found it, but are still looking.

    I am waiting to me other people my age who feel this way, who will encourage me to think that way, who are not willing to give up and succumb to the depression of the world.

    I get really tired of it you know, not just of being miserable, but of thinking of what a nuisance it is.

    I literally get anxiety about driving the new car I wanted for ages and was so grateful to get, yet I can’t take it out many days without feeling afraid I’ll crash it, either on purpose or on accident.

    That really ticks me off, because it’s a gift, and I want to enjoy it, and how dare the devil try to ruin that for me.

    I go to hang out with kids and I feel sick, or I feel sad or out of it, even if I felt fine beforehand. and I just get so freaking ticked!

    I wish this anger was enough to propel me out of this mindset, but anger does not destroy fear. I can still feel that chain to it, even if at times I almost forget it.

    Hannah Hurnard describes that well in “Hinds Feet on High Places.”

    And anyone who’s been set free knows that you know when you know that you are free, when that last shred of hesitation has gone from your mind. When you have stopped drawing back.

    Maybe it takes a thousand baby steps outside your cage before the door really slams shut behind you.

    I don’t know.

    But I am not content to just get a patched up version of wholeness. Where I can function, but not flourish. I know I could probably have that, if I took pills, and was willing to be selfish the rest of my life, always taking, never giving except when it didn’t feel like a risk, I could take the easy route.

    I could have gone in for that a long time ago, I’ve considered it, and while it may be a step in the future, too many people park there who don’t need to.

    I still want to me mad enough to believe God actually does heal us completely, and set us free. I know people He’s done it for, I’ve read the stories, I want a piece of that. Why should I settle for less than the Best?

    Why should I settle for less than what God would give me, if only I would receive it?

    Oh, but I do.

    You all don’t know how often I choose to feel worse than I have to. I’ve done that for many many years, and been warned about it before. It’s sad.

    And I want to stop doing that. I’m tired of treating myself like I deserve that. I may not be able to fix myself, but I don’t have to sabotage the help I do get.

    Lastly, if you’ve read this far, here’s a fact about me I haven’t mentioned here before.

    Natasha is my pen name, but my first name means “Joy” or “Rejoicing.”

    It’s always struck me as ironic, from a very young age, how I never felt happy. If I did, it scared me. It wasn’t joy.

    Someone even once told me that, they were one of my peers. And my father used to mock me for it all the time.

    I’ve experienced joyous times since becoming saved, but many times my name still felt entirely inappropriate, yet people have prophesied for me constantly throughout the years that I will have so much joy.

    And year after year of not seeing it, I wonder, “what the heck?”

    And now, dealing with serious depression, anciety and helath problems, I want to laugh.

    But… I heard at an event I was at that “if you struggle with depression, you’re meant to walk in Great Joy, if you struggle with fear, you’re meant to walk in Great Faith.”

    Supposedly, one of my gifts is Great Faith.

    Funny, isn’t it?

    But at some pint, ladies and gents, you have to decide what you believe. Yourself, your family, your fears… or God.

    I fight it, but at the end of it all, I have always chosen God because I know that is right. Paul or Peter said “Let God be true and every man a liar” (meaning not that all men are liars, but that that it is better to think that than for a second to think God could lie, because then we’re all lost).

    So, I will keep doing that, and keep you posted for whenever my breakthrough finally comes. Until next time, stay honest–Natasha