Why I don’t regret being homeschooled (thank you Mom and Dad).

So as you may know from reading my other blog posts, I was homeschooled.

Being both white and homeschooled, and living on the West side of America, I’ve definitely never really fit in with modern prgoressive culture.

And the biggest way I always noticed that was (shockingly) in Education.

Not having the picture perfect background wasn’t harmful to my education

Usually people say that white kids have different family dynamics than other ethnicity, and my friends who are not white have expressed surprise at my personality and dynamic, I think because they expect my family to be the classic two-parent, non dysfunctional, well off household, just based on how they perceive my sisters and I as classy, polite people.

But the truth is that was mostly our mom, and partially ourselves too, our family is at least 50% white trash on one side, with just as many broken households, drug problems, and jail time as any other stereotyped group.

And by contract I know black and latino families who are much more well off and functional than us, and with better behaved kids than my cousins have.

So I’ve learned not to make so many assumptions based on the popular narrative.

My mixed experience in Public education

But I did not fit in at my secular college, being homeschooled and not given to assuming things about people based on their color or background.

(Shocking really, how much people just assume you’ll judge by color, when they say that’s racist.)

I did not get along too well with my professor who pushed this agenda the most.

Some people claim there is no agenda, that the schools should be educating their students about how racist America is and all its bad history.

I remember one of the singular moments I decided that was insanity was in my World History class where the teacher confidently told us that the Spanish Conquistadors were disrespectful to the Aztecs for criticizing them offering human sacrifices.

The “criticism” was pretty light, in my opinion, Cortex didn’t shoot them or start yelling at them and dragging people out of the temple, he just asked why they didn’t find it abhorrent, and the leader got very offended by the question (some things never change).

My professor said it was arrogant and disrespectful to their religion.

I put my hand up and said “Are you saying they should have been okay with human sacrifice?”

And for contex, they were sacrificing slaves…you know, the people these types always say were the most mistreated in America? But we never got to that point of sacrifing them to our pagan gods, at least. I mean, we had some line. (Not much of one for some people), but the thing is, it was totally accepted in the Inca and Aztec Cultures).

I’m not saying we didn’t have our sins, but I fail to see how Cortex questioning it made him the bad guy here. In fact, he seems to respect the lives of these slaves more than their own neighbors did (they were usually captured slaves from when the Aztec colonized smaller tribes…and yeah, that was thing that happened before the Europeans ever got here.)

The hilarious thing to me that all this was in our textbook, and the Professor could have fact checked her own class assignments to know she was wrong, but she just didn’t care.

She didn’t like me too much because I kept questioning her assumptions or “edited” version of history. And another student told me to “educate myself.”

I wanted to say: “I did, that’s why I know this.”

I wasn’t taking the class because I didn’t know history, I was taking it because my stupid college requires it and you can’t just take a test to prove you don’t need the class, unfortunately, so I had no choice. But I could have aced most of it without needing the lessons, for all the professor really covered in detail.

At that point I decided it was stupid to rely on them to teach me history and I avoided taking any more history classes except the required ones.

I also took a Philosophy class, where the Professor told us there was no such thing as definite truth.

I asked her if she was sure that was true.

She looked at me for a second and then said. “No, anything is possible.”

I lost all respect for her ability to teach me philosophy (the pursuit of truth), but I did have fun proving her wrong at the end of the semester after she expressed doubt that I could write an objective paper about whether or not people should teach Intelligent Design theory. ( I got an A, she admitted she learned something from it, she wasn’t a bad person, just clueless about her subject matter).

This and many other experiences convinced me that my parents were right about the modern education systems, 100%.

Funny, my family member all said that we wouldn’t be properly educated being homeschooled, and my grandma said that right up till I went to college and made the honor roll my first semester, and then stayed on it. She hasn’t said it since, but she’s never apologized to my Mom for her lack of support.

My aunt gets defensive about it if we talk about the problems with public schooling, since her kids are public school, but to me the crowning irony was that I tutored both her kids while they were doing online schooling during COVID, and I got her son way more into reading and her daughter to at least finish her work, where they couldn’t do it.

She even admitted it.

But no apology, no acknowledgment that we were right about school.

I’m not blaming parents per sec for putting their kid into public school if they have no choice, but my aunt could have homeschooled them if she wanted, she just didn’t consider it a viable option, which is too bad, because both of them woudl ahve done pretty well with it, I think. Especially her son, he’s probably smarter than I am, but his talents are wasted in Public school. Thankfully their school isn’t a bad one as far as that goes, but it’s just not even close to being able to provide the same nuturing as homeschooling.

I’ve learned through some other study that the modern education system was designed by businessmen to teach people only the basic knowledge they needed to work in factories or minimum wage or slightly above average jobs. (Look into Rockefeller and who funded the modern public school system.)

And now thanks to safety issues and the culture war, it’s gotten way worse.

Being raised homeschooled and then going ot college, I began to understand it.

The coursework was way too easy for the most part, it was shocking to me how little the professor expected of grown adults, and how irresponsible they were about studying.

But after years there,I began to stop studying as much also. Because I was smart enough to pass the class with minimal effort, I didn’t want to put in more effort. Because I wouldn’t be graded on how thoroughly I understood the subject, or be able to present more information than I was allowed to (gotta have no more than 5 points, or 5-7 pages per project, right), I had no motivation to keep digging deeper once I met the quota for the class.

Thankfully, I had the homeschool study mindset ingrained in me and I still looked further into some subjects when I was actually interested in them, but the ones I didn’t care about, I didn’t learn to care about more because of college.

I also learn to have very little faith in most of my professors to know what they were talking about. Aside from my History and Philosophy professor, my Astronomy professor admitted that the theory of how the moon was formed he was teaching was against scientific laws that we already know work and would have to just not work, magically, for the theory to make sense, he said he didn’t know the answer but there probably was one.

I was not impressed.

Granted, not everyone has to know the answer to everything, but you’re teaching a class on it and you’re teaching this in the class like it’s fact, when it’s not… So isn’t that lying?

To be fair, I have had the same experience in Sunday School when I had a teacher teach something that was unbiblical and I pointed it out. She didn’t like that (and I understand why now that I’ve taught, why it was annoying–but I’ve never had that happen to me in my Sunday School class because I don’t teach stuff that’s not in the Bible or at least not allowed for by the Bible).

Basically, teachers love me or hate me depending on what kind of student they prefer. I’ve had some who liked that I questioned stuff and dug deeper, but, I feel like they were more rare the higher up I got in classes.

And when I was in the Sign Language course, it was awful. So little focus on teaching the language, and so much on cramming the agenda down your throat.

(I don’t have a problem with people who are deaf, but I do have a problem with being asked to feel sorry for them and put myself down just because they’re involved in something. I wouldn’t ask anyone else to do this for me, no matter what disadvantages I had in life, and I find it disgusting that we encourage it in otherwise capable people who don’t really need to ask for pity when they could just function as part of society if they wanted to.)

To sum it up, public education of any kind often has done more to stifle my love of learning than it has to foster it, and that was mostly as an adult who’d been in the habit of learning for years before that. If it did that to me, what would it do to a child who never even got a chance to develop that enthusiasm before going to Public or Private school.

How did I learn to love learning?

My mom didn’t make us start learning seriously till we were 6-7, so unlike preschool and Kindergarten, we weren’t forced to start doing lessons really young, which is probalby partly why we didn’t hate it.

(Personally I believe before 6-7, the average child doesn’t have the attention span necessary to really start learning, and punishing them for not focusing is just teaching them to hate school).

My mom also started light, we didn’t learn officially about history or English or anything like that, we started just learning to read and do basic math. She eventually moved us up to high math, but she never forced us to read anything. She read to us a lot, and so did my dad sometimes, and explained stuff to us just in conversation so we didn’t think of it as learning. Mostly we were allowed to play and use our imaginations after doing a little bit of schoolwork.

For Geography, my mom didn’t officially teach us that till we were older, and then she used things like the Top Secret and Which Way USA kids magazines. I also read Ranger Rick, which taught me about life science in animals.

Eventually we officially studied anatomy and biology, but we were older and she didn’t really make us do it till we were willing to, usually (at least for me).

Me and my first sister both started reading chapter books at 7-8, I picked it up a little faster (and I still read faster than her now). But my second sister only really started to like reading at 12-13. She was very slow at it before then and sometimes wrote numbers and letters backwards.

Most people now would say to take her to a specialist, but we never did. She grew out of the problem and now can read much at a much higher level than most older adults. The trick was we just didn’t rush her to develop faster than she was ready to.

And that’s the problem, the education system is all about getting you through it as fast as possible, streamlining it, and not everyone’s brain develops at the same rate. Then you end up with all these “learning disabilities.” [I know that some of them are legitimate issues that can’t be cured, but, I believe the majority of them are caused by rushing kids before they are ready.]

My Mom’s approach was mostly inspired by this book that Homeschool leaders Oliver Demille put out called “A Thomas Jefferson Education.” They modeled their homeschool style after how the Founding Fathers, (and most gret men in the last centuries), learned and studied and got through college.

They have 7 Principles for learning that were applied, and I’m going to put them here, but also link to their page that describes it in their own words:

https://tjed.org/7-keys/#:~:text

 1. Classics, not Textbooks (or Fluff)

They have a list of recommended Classics also, but it’s not only old books. A Classic can be any book that has a profound quality to it that has stood the test of time at least enough to have people be impacted by it. Like “Ella Enchanted” could be a Classic, though it’s in the last few decades, because it was a trend setter of modern fiction and has a deep and thought provoking message, with no vulgarity.

But parents decide mostly what counts.

Also movies can be classics. The TJEd thing is very open to interpretation, which is why it works for so many people.

2. Mentors, not Professors (or Pals)

The idea here basically is to teach in a more personal way, not just doing lectures. Having a relationship with the students where you can give more one on one advice…and having worked as a tutor, I now see that most people would benefit greatly from more of this in their teaching style. Lectures should be only the start off point for learning, with mentoring and self study building off of it. (Some programs even in mainstream school realize this, I had a mentor assigned to me during my last few Sign Language classes–but unfortunately they don’t really allow for the language barrier making it difficult or the fact that my first mentor had a definite bias against me and tried to tell me to reconsider my field several times. So having a parent pick the right mentors is a must.)

3. Inspire, not Require (or Neglect)

They say this is the most important principle, and I agree.

The main thing was that my parents did not require us to read history books, or social studies books. I Read PYSCH books for fun as a pre-teen, and teen, and still as an adult. I read historical fiction and non-fiction stories about peoples’ lives for fun. I read about social issues from reading and learned about them in Church also. I watched videos about science for fun.

Because they let me find the things that worked for me, and we used YouTube and movies, and audiobooks and songs, and computer games even, to learn harder subjects.

My parents mostly just talked to us about the subjects they thought were important and then let us explore on our own. My mom took us to the library and let us go browse for whatever we liked. We all developed our unique reading taste through trail and error. I got into the Magic Tree House books, and learned a bunch. We loved the Magic School Bus too. A lot of stuff we watched was educational, but still fun.

The stories and interactive aspects of it inspired us and made us want to learn, instead of us feeling required to learn before we had any interest in it.

The key thing is that kids must feel their parents are invested in their learning. We felt like that with our mom.

4. Structure Time, not Content (or Ignore)

“There are 4 phases of learning: Core Phase, roughly ages 0-8; Love of Learning Phase, roughly 8-12; Scholar Phase, roughly 12-16; and Depth Phase, roughly 16-22.” According to Demille.

this was helpful to my family, because we did go through these phases while learning. I’m still kind of in Depth Phase, though I’m more of exiting it into full adulthood.

Because of these phases, My mom didn’t worry too much about my sisters not always wanting to learn some stuff right away. The cool thing is that once you like learning, even if you don’t like one subject at first, usually your love of learning eventually spreads to it. For me, it worked with every subject but Math, and that’s mostly because I’m not good at doing it in my head enough to enjoy it. But I did like it up till pre-Algebra. [Don’t use Saxon though. That will kill any child’s love of math, we made that mistake.]

Pretty much every subject we picked up either by osmosis because we read books that covered it (like History we picked up from Historical Fiction), or we did study projects. But at the Scholar phase, we mostly took con of our own learning, and that happened for us in our late teens usually.

5. Quality, not Conformity (or Contempt)

Basically this step means you don’t grade, you just critique constructively until the student does a good enough job to feel proud of their work. And for you to feel proud of it.

And of course if you don’t know the standard, there are people you can hire even for brief stints who can help.

6. Simplicity, not Complexity (or Chaos)

Again, their words might be clearer than mind:

“The more complex the curriculum, the more reliant the student becomes on experts, and the more likely the student is to get caught up in the Requirement/Conformity trap.

This leads to effective follower training, but is more a socialization technique than an educational method.

Education means the ability to think, independently and creatively, and the skill of applying one’s knowledge in dealing with people and situations in the real world.” [Demille]

When we studied, we read books written by people who experienced it or had a passion for it and did their research, not by people who just studied it to get a degree.

And you know what? That made it a lot more fun. People who love a subject do way better research than people who just need to earn points.

7. YOU, not Them (or Nobody)

At bottom, this method is about teaching your child (or yourself) in the ways that’s best for them.

Doing this makes you smarter too. My mom said she learned way more about stuff and became a better reader after she taught us how to read and do other subjects. She became better educated through homeschooling. We’d go on trips to museums, watch historical exhibits, see people reenact, observe old skills like weaving, woodworking, dying, glass blowing.

And we’re not a rich family. We didn’t do all this stuff all the time. We got our books from the library more than we paid for them. We went on discounted trips or went only once in a while. We used free resources when we could.

My Dad also taught us economics by having us take part in his own small business, and we raised chickens and kittens and a dog and learned about the care of animals. We had our own backyard garden and read up on agriculture.

I now know that Potato had plant parts and carrots get flowers (weird looking ones too.) and so do onions. I didn’t know that before.

And we were not rich. We were renting the home we had the garden in, but they said it was okay (the last renter just left it a dump anyway, so we couldn’t make it worse. At least we weeded it so we could have the garden. And our chickens ate the pests. We also trapped gophers who stole our plants so we made the neighborhood more pest free.)

We aren’t even the most extreme homeschoolers. I knew kids, Mormons usually, who could whittle, cook, and do farm work and have small businesses before we did. And they had huge families who had a lot of expenses. But they made it work. Probably because they had a community of support.

Which is one thing no one ever credits homeschoolers for, but you often make better friends in a homeschool community because people care about depth and arts more than they do about cliques and trends; and those interests tend to last, while fads fade every few months.

Also the rate of teen pregnancy and drug use is in the abysmally low percentage in homeschooling co-ops since your parents are usually watching you at all times, or your older or younger siblings, so…not much chance of getting into any trouble there.

(A little too much so, maybe. One mom didn’t like that I picked her daughter up in a princess carry for a joke, though I didn’t touch her in any weird place and I was doing something I did with my sister all the time. I didn’t do it again after that but I thought it was odd that she made such a big deal out of something so small.

Was just as well though, I realized afterward that my back wasn’t strong enough for those stunts.)

Conclusion:

There were some challenges to being homeschooled.

We never fit in with Public schoolers. We had only a few friends, and after we moved, none of them lasted for very long. They were good friends, but the distance just made it too much for them.

There were subjects that got somewhat passed over. We didn’t do a lot of exercise because my mom didn’t really care about that. We didn’t do a lot of Geography either. (But then public school barely does that now.)

I studied language of my own accord, but my sisters never really got into it but they did art. One did dance.

So yeah, I don’t regret being homeschooled.

And if all that sounded like an amazing experience to you, then you might want to consider it. Heck, even if you’re not an adult and are still in college or highschool, homeschool yourself.

Really, it’s so painfully easy to do most school assignments, it’s shocking to me that kids don’t just do them quickly and then study more on their own, like I would, but, then, schools make them hate learning.

FAQs:

But what about transicps for college?

What we did was take our Highschool equivalency test, and then I’ve gone to community college for several years to get a GPA.

Then you can transfer to a lot of universities from a community college and already have several credits and a good academic record. They really just care about your most recent records, usually.

It’s true that the government does not support homeschool. You can’t take tests usually and prove you’re ready for a higher level and you don’t usually get grants or scholarships for homeschooling specifically. Though there are a few more right leaning colleges that might be able to help you like Hillsdale, and Monticello (where they use TJEd.)

I wouldn’t worry too much about your kids being successful. As long as they make social connections with people, even if they’re older or younger than them, and learn about the real world bit by bit, they’ll be able to figure it out.

It took me a while to learn how to talk to people who weren’t homeschooled in a natural way, but you can learn social skills also, and if you have a love of learning attitude, then you’ll put effort into it, like I did and not just wait for the skills to hit you in the head one day.

That said, homeschooling benefits far outweigh the cons, and especially nowadays, public school is dangerous.

So I’m not sorry my parents made a different choice, and if I have kids, and have the means and ability to home educate them, I will be doing it.

You will make sacrifices. But, the way I see it, either you can sacrifice your comfort zone, cushy lifestyle, and the approval of your friends and family–or you can sacrifice your kids to a system that demoralizes them, exposes them to danger, and makes them hate leaning.

Your choice. [If you have the means to have a choice, obviously not if you simply can’t afford it. But most of the things I mentioned you can do even as a single or lower class working parent, just with some tweaks. Check out websites about free or discounted learning activities in your area.]

Sorry if that got a little dark, but the school system is in terrible shape now and the time for being lenient about it is kind of fading, I think.

[Any more questions you have or resources you’d like me to recommend for different school subjects, please leave a comment. I know a lot of great tools for educating both yourself and your kids in a fun way.]

Until next time, stay honest: Natasha.

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A difficult conversation.

Part of Recovery is facing your fears, and figuring out a new way to live.

I watched a movie about being in rehab, rehab for addiction and recovery from abuse have some striking similariaties, I guess abuse eats away at your life the same way addiction does, just one is self inflcited and the other is inflicted on you.

One of the reasons I’ve chosen not to drink for this period of my life is that I have alchoholism on one side of my family, maybe both, and drugs on both, and I don’t want to start making that my go-to during a rough period.

The Holy Spirit is the only coping thing I want to be addicted to, event hough it’s hard. It can feel like taking a pill or a drink would make it so much easier because physical symptoms suck, and make emotional symptoms worse.

I’ve had stress symptoms all this week, which seem to have been triggered by a difficult conversation with my aunt.

See, as part of not letting my dad control our lives anymore, my sisters and I have discussed telling our extended family about what happened.

The trouble is my dad cannot keep his mouth shut about any drama in his life, and he has already told half the family his version of the story. Which no doubt paints him as either the victim, or the person struggling to get over his difficulties (still the victim).

My aunt is the main person who informs everyone in the family what’s going on with anyone else, so all our uncles and grandparents are calling her asking about us…calling us directly would never cross their minds.

I don’t really mind it so much, except that a slanted version of our story is getting spread.

I called my aunt over the weekend, she’s my dad’s sister, grew up with the same crap as he did, and has a handle on many of his flaws.

She said she was wondering about it and would like to hear more, so I told her. I gave her the highlights.

The word that seemed to surprise her most was ABUSE.

She couldn’t seem to grasp that her brother could really have abused us.

I gave her the physical, verbal, and emotional examples. She actually witnessed when my dad punched me, and she said she would have probably done the same if her kid had hit her first. I explained why I did it and his history of barging into my room without knocking, etc, bu it didn’t sway her.

Though I told her that he’d threatened my several times before that point, and had threatened me afterward. When I said that it was over me not doing something he asked/told me to do, she said in her house she’d expect her kid to do chores too.

The crowning injury for me was when she said that she thinks there is no good guy, there is no bad guy, that there were things I could have done differently, things that caused incidents.

??????????

I really hope you are horrified right now, and that this doesn’t sound familiar, if it does, you have my sympathy.

Let me define some things:

After a certain age, I don’t think a kid should be physically forced to do things like chores. There’s other consequences.

Which is moot anyway, because I was a grown adult when my dad threatened that, capable of making my own decisions. It had nothing to do with teaching me to be a good kid, it was about power. That’s all it was.

And if you are threatening your child with violence to get them to do something, you are acting like a tyrant.

I believe you can punish children for disobeying, then it’s a consequence, I do not think violence should be a motivation for the action to begin with.

But it doesn’t matter, since I was not a child. My aunt seems to not understand the obvious difference there.

My mom didn’t threaten to slap me out of temper, that I remember, but my dad did. He flung me out of stuff when I had done nothing wrong save for being there first.

I told my aunt this, I told her how he would tell us things he shouldn’t, like he considered suicide a lot. I told her how he verbally abused me with criticism, blame, and just horrible mocking that no one should ever say to or about their kids.

I told her about the manipulation.

She said some of it seemed like him trying to be a better dad than his father, by playing games with us. Though I said that wasn’t for us, it was for him. If we refused he’d whine about no one wanting to play with him, sometimes he got angry and yelled about it. Blaming us for making him unhappy.

Also, when he was trying to get over his gaming addiction, he’d blame us for not giving him a distraction by playing with him. Like that made it okay to play video games all night long and yell obscenities at the computer while we were trying to sleep.

Sure, our fault.

My aunt did admit some stuff, like how he makes everything about him, how he embarrasses people when they most want him not to, how he exaggerates what others do to him.

She puts it down to him having Aspergers (which I doubt after being in a program that talked about it) and not being able to get a sense of what other people feel.

But I know that is not true, I lived with my dad, he could tell what everyone felt as long as he wasn’t the cause. I’ve heard him explain exactly what people were feeling, and sympathize or use it against them.

He knew I had self worth issues, he knew I struggled with anger over what people do to me, but he would blank completely that he was the cause of that.

He could explain why my aunt was bothered by the behavior of everyone else but him, he’d own up to it if my mom pointed it out, and he’d laugh at it. He laughed at my hurt when I didn’t like his mocking and exposing me. He laughed at everyone’s hurt.

My dad liked punishing people. He liked bullying people who were weaker than him, who would let him. He hated me for getting stronger than that, but as long as he could get a reaction from my mom or sisters over what he said, he’d keep doing it.

He treated everyone like his parent, not his responsibility, and he still does.

My aunt told me he’s talked to her a lot about it, and owned up to some of what he did that she herself pointed out, but she focused on what bothered her the most, not what bothered us.

My dad told her apparently that he always thought we’d put up with him no matter what, that he wouldn’t be made to leave.

So, did he get married and have kids to ensure an audience for his bad behavior? A well of unconditional love? That he could withdraw from his whole life?

I guess so, he always did say he’d move in with me once he got too old to work (that’s not happening.)

Dad could never be accepted by his family, so he made one where he though he’d always have to be accepted. I heard him brag to people that my mom loved him despite all the bad things he did that she didn’t know about before they got married, so she was the best woman in the world.

I heard him yell at her for how disrespectful she was too, if she ever dared to question his treatment of me, or anyone else.

My dad wouldn’t always snap right away, but he’d snap eventually and make a whole thing of it, so you wouldn’t try it again.

I grant that our family was different from his, my mom made it so, but it wasn’t necessarily because he was a better parent.

My aunt knows the truth now, but she still encouraged me to think of what I could have done to cause all this, and to try talking to him. That I won’t know if he’s changed or not until I do.

Like I need to talk to him to know that 3 months of self reflection and 8 months of blaming us, are not going to undo 20 years of an abuser’s mentality.

if it could be changed, it would take years. Humility begins with realizing what you did, but you’ll realize a whole lot more once you start that process.

My aunt also told me that she feels we are in the phase of being angry right now, but when we are over it, and have kids of our own, we’ll understand why our dad was that way. We’ll see it was because of his upbringing.

My sister’s response? “I hope not.”

Mine too, I hope I never start justifying myself to my kids because of my past. I hope my husband never gives me leeway to be abusive, even if I sometimes act like a victim because I was one.

I want to adopt, for crying out loud. A lot of orphaned or foster kids were abused, do I want to add my name to that list? Heck no!

What my aunt is doing by saying this was my fault, is saying it’s not abuse. Because you never, ever tell a victim they did something to deserve that. Their abuser might, but you shouldn’t.

Believe me, we deal with that thought enough.

I don’t generally ask myself if I did something to deserve it.

I did about the hitting, but most of the time I knew he was overreacting, and had no right to treat me like garbage.

You know what’s sad?

If I had turned it on for my aunt, if I had cried and told her all my hurt feelings, Maybe I could have gotten more sympathy. My very calm, mature way of discussing it can work against me.

I’ve seen it with other people too, they get put off by me not crumbling, crying, acting like my life sucks.

I get it in a way, if this really happened to you, how can you be calm? It’s horrible, people in movies cry, other girls cry so easily, why don’t you cry? We can do the hug thing and say it’ll all be better.

Two reasons:

  1. When I did cry, people didn’t ease up on me, they doubled down. They told me not to cry, that I wasn’t being attacked, that this was because they loved me… crying was blood in the water to the people in my life.
  2. I did cry, I spent years sobbing alone in my bedroom, at night, trying to get past it. Trying not to be miserable. I was less depressed then than I am now when I can’t cry and let it out because I’ve become so “mature.”

 

I can’t beg for pity anymore, I once did. I got it twisted around and shoved in my face, by the one person who begs for more pity than anyone else I know.

He’s doing it now. He just can’t understand why we won’t talk to him, he’s changed! he realizes he was a jerk now.

Like he realized it scores of times as I grew up, and did nothing.

Any excuse will do for him, I’m sick of listening to them.

But I know why my aunt told me all this and won’t call it abuse.

She’s lived through the same thing with her parents, she’s heard terrible things from them. She broke the most out of the cycle of words and actions, I think she got resented for that the same way I did. No siblings to cheer her on either.

She finally accepted the excuses her parents made, and accepted her place in it. She blames herself for causing some problems because that is easier than seeing it as senseless.

Abuse, cruelty, neglect, they are all senseless. I’ve said this before.

My aunt’s view is too cotton candy for me. It assumes people cannot just deliberately do wrong because they refuse to do right.

That’ just not true. I believe the bible, it says people are wicked. On purpose, and on accident. And all of us will do both. A good person might just be one who does the least on purpose.

But that’s a human standard.

A good person is one who can own up to dong all they did, and doing it knowing it was wrong, even if they didn’t see how wrong it was, they knew it wasn’t right, and then, they try to change. Failing to change, they admit they can’t, and fall back on God. That’s what the Bible calls being righteous.

The sacrificial system in the Bible is an acknowledgment that we will sin, we cannot stop, but God’s grace makes us right with Him, if we confess our sins. We can stop sinning when God gives us that ability.

I have not stopped getting angry, but I have stopped bullying my sisters over it.  I haven’t stopped feeling insecure, but I’ve stopped blaming the wrong people. I’ve stopped demanding my parents fix that for me.

There are days I hate being an abused kid. I hate the stress of it, and how my body breaks down under it after awhile. I hate how people misunderstand, and still think it’s my fault

As if you blame the slave for trying to run away from a cruel master, and say it was their fault when the master whipped them almost to death for it. Sure, they caused it by running, but would they have run if the master was kind?

I loathe many things about this process.

But I don’t hate my aunt. I feel sorry for her. She still thinks it was somehow her fault. She couldn’t tell me that if she didn’t believe it.

I’ll admit to all of you, I find the whole thing depressing and hard to accept.

But I’ll get through it, because I am doing something about it. In the end, the survivor is still the lucky one.

Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.