I try not to complain too much, but I have the usual things. Traffic, weather.
I have cut down on complaining by listening to stuff during traffic, so I don’t get as impatient. Sometimes when I’m in the groove, I’m almost sorry it’s over.
I think though, that my biggest complaints have been about people treating me in a belittling way, or like I’m wrong.
I have fairly good judgment (with some exceptions) and it annoys me to no end when people act like I’m not informed on something or not thinking about it the right way.
The car incident being the latest example of this.
Everybody said I was overthinking the problem. That it was fine. That it was just the car’s quirks.
Even the mechanic said that.
But they were wrong. And I almost listened to them.
Taking people’s advice is nothing I have a problem with. I ask for it all the time. But I always weigh the different advice I get against my own judgment and what sounds right. What feels right. Or what matches my faith.
I’m not really the type of Christian who takes the “It will all work out in the end even if we do nothing” approach to life. I don’t really think it’s a biblical approach, in most cases. Religion is not an excuse to be inactive.
I do recognize some things are out of my control.
But here’s one hard truth that not everyone is ready to hear:
Sometimes, you assume things are outside your control because you’ve grown up around people who just accept problems and never change them.
I realized the difference between myself and my parents over the last 6 years. Ever since my dad moved out.
I don’t complain about anything unless I intend to find a solution for it. If I accept it the way it is, there’s no point to complaining.
Grwoing up, neither o f my parents modeld that.
My dad complains about everything. Money, church, weather, his friends, his family.
Other than weather, all of those things are ones you can affect directly.
And I got real sick of hearing it even as an 11 year old, about when I realized it was kind of on him.
It was like, if you don’t like your relationship with your family so much, do something about it. Do something else to earn money.
He did eventually, but he complained for years before he finally came to that conclusion. I would have done it immediately. I know because I do it now as soon as I have a problem.
Churches can be changed (he did that too, still complains though, and he’s done it again even since he moved out, though he told us the church he was going to when he left was the best one).
And then all the either, little, petty things that he would get mad about.
The house being messy, but he never cleaned it, his areas were some of the most messy.
That type of thing.
Still, my dad is more proactive than my mom, and f I had to guess I get that trait from his side of the family more than hers.
With her, while she’s a nice lady, she doesn’t really fix problems. She just tries to work around them.
With my dad for one thing.
And with a lot of other stuff, she just takes the L.
Stressful work sitations.
Health issues.
I mean not always. We’re not totally out of touch. But it’s more often than not, basically.
If she talks about a problem, and I have a solution, she won’t usually do it unless I’m basically doing it myself.
I’m not sure if my compulsion to fix issues is because both my parents are inactive. I do know that it got on my nerves from when I was a pre-teen up till now.
I don’t want to be unfair to them. Mostly they are smart people who avoid getting into problems as it is, so they don’t usually need to get out of them.
It’s just that life can knock you down sometimes. And you have to find a way to get back up.
And with you can do it slow, or you can try to find a way to speed it up.
Many people are never taught to think that way, and they accept problems very passively, or with anger, but no real approach to solving them. Both my parents were taught that by their parents.
It’s a cycle.
I’ve noticed it in my sisters often too. The willingness not to change anything, even if they don’t like it.
Granted, I’ve gotten in trouble for jumping the gun and trying to change stuff. People don’t like to be told they’re wrong.
I’ve realized since this car issue started, that people also don’t like being told that you don’t need their help to fix it anymore.
See, when I help someone, I try to make sure they need it first. I don’t push them towards my solution past that point, usually. Im’ not perfect, I have don that.
But since I’ve been told off for it, I think I learned to think more careful about it.
I don’t like to bite people’s head off or tell them they aren’t really helping me. But sometimes I wish they’d pick up on my hints that I don’t really want them to tell me what to do.
I asked my middle sister if she was annoyed when people told her that, and she said it just doesn’t bother her the same way as me.
So I said. “That’s because I tell you what to do all the time, so you’re inoculated to it.”
And she said “yeah” without one second’s hesitation.
I guess the joke is on me there.
To be fair, my sister is the kind of person who forgets simple things so often you have to remind them a lot and procrastinator on taking action. She’s very good at working hard and she can do a job well, but that initiative that I have isn’t her thing.
Basically, I’ll try to improve any work environment I’m in in some way, whether I’m asked to or not. Been doing that since my first job–which makes a lot of people think I’m arrogant.
And maybe, sometimes, I can be. I suppose anyone can be who likes to put their own spin on things.
When I write, I often do it to improve on ideas I got from someone else.
There are whole careers you can make out of doing that, though. So I guess I’m not the only one.
Maybe I should become a life coach (lol).
Look, the point I’m making it sno tlen to brag on myself, though I think it praon sounds that way.
I never thought I was good at this stuff. It’s only because I’ve noticed that my decisions work out better consistently that I’ve learned I might be.
I didn’t always expect them to.
What I’m trying to say is that if you’re the type of person who is like that, who doubts yourself because other people seem to doubt you, you might want to consider if you have a good track record. Maybe you’re doing better than you think.
And then we won’t need to complain so much. Better to fix it than complain about it, I say.
A few weeks ago I would have said I didn’t really need to win the lottery.
Well, I don’t need a million dollars. Honestly, I wouldn’t even be able to use that much money except on something like a trip or as savings. And sure, I’d take it if I got it (I’m not an idiot).
But after the nervewracking last few weeks I’ve had, with an ER visit on my mini-vactaion, a new car that turned out to have a faulty engine (somehow the dealer disguised it so it didn’t become obvious till two weeks after purchase), and now repair costs reaching over $7000 (about the same as I paid for the dang thing), yeah, I could think of a few things I’d spend money on if I won it.
I’m not gonna buy any tickets, I believe in either working hard for money, or the generous support of friend or family who won’t attach strings to it. I don’t borrow money if I can help it, but I’ve been forced tos wallow my prde.
My family has been kind enough to help me in this hellish situiaotn, (and I know I could have it a lot worse because not everyone has that support), but I feel guilty for them needing to give me thousands of dollars just to pay for a mistake I made.
I mean, can I scream into the void a bit here?
This sucks.
I’m not going to have full blown crisis here. I know there’s some way to get around this. And if worst comes to worse, my family will wait till I can pay them off, unlike the bank will. They aren’t mean enough to hound me for it.
Still they have their own expensive and none of us are rich (Who is these days unless they were already?)
I have been brainstorming solutions to try to earn money. I’m attempting to start a second job, and I’m looking for any other side hustles I could manage.
As a person who has faith, this has been kind of difficult to pray about.
On the one hand, God is the only reason I didn’t have a full mental breakdown. When I pray or worship, I feel some measure of peace–when I don’t, I feel like I’m going to either throw up or have a fit.
On the other hand, I prayed about this purchase, and it looks like it backfired. I won’t say God is at fault here, we can always misinterpret or just hear what we want to hear.
And maybe, even, depends on the cost, the car isn’t a bad purchase. Sure it’s banged up, but where I live, cars are going electric only pretty soon, and buying one that’s not while you still can might have been the best choice. Goodness knows, I’d never afford new one unless I actually do win the lottery.
Hey, I was within my means when I bought the car. And I could even have afforded some repairs in a few months–this just all happened sooner than I was ready for. I thought I had more time.
We never have as much as we think, right?
The kicker is that it almost was even worse. The car is salvageable right now, at least it looks that way. If I’d waited much longer to get it inspected, it could have not been.
And everyone told me I was worried too much about the noise it was making (misfiring but quietly and only for a few seconds).
Turns out I was right. Something bad was wrong. I just wish I didn’t seem $500 going to three different mechanics before the 4th one finally figure it out.
I mean I would rather have had the money to go toward the repair itself…
Could it be worse? As I said, yes.
It could be a lot better too.
But, I’m not the type who stays down for too long (barring some highly traumatic experienced, which this isn’t).
I think if the situation was just to stop getting worse, I could adjust to it. They say you can face a thing you know.
So if things don’t progress from here, a $7400 cost for this might even up…seeming less bad once I have time to get past it.
That is more than my salary for 5 months would be. So I’ll be paying it off slowly.
And hope nothing else breaks immediately after this.
Someone said I should trade in the car or buy a different one…not sure they quite understood that this car already was the “different” one and it’s even more expensive to buy another one, even highly used, than it is ot fix it. You have to consider the total here. Any car that cheap is probably going to have issues.
Which I knew when I bought it–I just thought it would be the battery and breaks, not the gasket. I was prepared to fix those…this, not so much.
But even if we put all that dough towards another new car, if we still had to fix it up, that cost is more than fixing this one. I try to think of the long term.
I mean I have to view my car some credit–with a problem lie that, it was still running very smoothly and you could barely tell something was wrong, except when I started it up. Toyotas can take a lot of abuse before they shut down, I’ll give them that.
Which is another reason to stick with it. Sure it’s old and battered, but that it still runs smoothly at all with a big issue seems to me to show it is resilient. A cheaper, more poorly made car would just break down on me anyway, might as well keep the pricey one if it will last longer. And it could last me many years once its key parts are replaced. The body is mostly in good shape.
I’m not the only one with this experience who I know, my Grandma had to replace her engine once also, and a friend of mine had a used car that’s transmission blew right after she bought it. All of us risk takers don’t always get the best case scenario.
But that is why we call it a risk.
Anyway, the whole thing might make a good story someday.
(This is my way of laughing in the dark)
Well, if you all have similar stories, you can reply to this post with them if you want some sympathy.
If you feel moved at all to help me out, I do have a donation option on this blog. I won’t beg for it, but I never would say no to people wanting to be kind or generous. We all have to help each other through this world.
This might sound kind of weird, but, I don’t know that I’ve ever “felt loved”.
I mean at least not by a person.
I am a Christian, and I have experienced God’s love. I think most skeptics would doubt that’s a real feeling. And since I can’t prove to them that it is, I don’t know if that counts for them.
I think there is a psychological reason for why I don’t feel human love.
I recognize love, in my mind. But there are walls up that block it from reaching my emotions.
Growing up with an emotional manipulative and abusive father, it’s not rocket science.
For my father, saying “I love you” was usually only a thing that happened when he was berating me.
It was pretty twisted in a way.
“We’re doing this because we love you, Natasha.”
And what they were doing was berating me for everything I ever did around them.
If you want the full story of how this started, keep reading. Otherwise that was my TLDR explanation.
Let me explain:
I was told I was rebellious. Even though I hardly ever broke a rule in my entire life. I’m not kidding, I barely even broke bedtime rules. I like limits and boundaries, they make me feel more balanced. I wasn’t the type to unravel them without a good reason.
But yes when I decided something wasn’t good for me or helping me anymore, I would protest it.
So when I decided I wasn’t enjoying drum lessons anymore, I said I wanted to quit. That’s where it all started.
This was after a year long of taking them, which my father agreed on as a trial period. When I brought up to him that I didn’t want to anymore, he said “Oh you’re not gonna quit.”
Mind you, I hadn’t ever actually used the drum in a real performance, or any performance. And the only time I even tried to play along with my dad and his friends, they criticized it because it was too loud…you know, because you learn drums to play a quiet instrument.
Since I saw no purpose whatsoever in learning it anymore, I was miffed at my dad breaking his agreement with me.
After thinking about it, I pointed that out to him, respectfully enough, I thought. And he said fine, I could quite.
But that wasn’t the end of it.
He talked to his best friend and the friend’s wife, as well as my mom, about me wanting to quit, like it was one big crime.
I couldn’t understand why they cared so much. Since I wasn’t using the drum for anything, what did it matter?
But it turned into a whining session where his friend aired some other grievances about me that I had no idea he had.
Apparent’y, I made some joke during one of his music lesson with one of my sisters. Just about tomato sauce. That was it. I didn’t even really direct it at him, just made a joke about the ingredients in tomato sauce. He was deeply offended.
Now, as an adult who has taught a class, I completely could understand why he might have been annoyed that I interjected while he was teaching.
However, as an adult who teaches 10-11 year olds, I would expect that behavior from that age group, without it really being malicious. And I was only 12 at the time of this conversation.
A 12 year old interrupting to make a joke isn’t , in my mind, a big deal. If it happened to me, I would have simply given the kid a warning, explained why it was disrespectful, and left it at that. If they didn’t do it again, I wouldn’t even tell the parents because who the heck really cares that much?
Apparently, my dad’s best friend.
Now he never said a word to me about this, oddly enough, nor did he ask my mom to talk to me about it delicately.
I didn’t hear about it till this big confrontation with 4 adults, all of whom told me I was a brat, disrespectful, and not nice to other people.
At the time, I also took singing lessons from this best friend’s wife.
She didn’t like me much because I couldn’t stand still while I sang. And I got tired easily. Also I didn’t like the music choices that she insisted on. She didn’t ever teach us any songs we actually got to pick, and when I asked if we could learn any songs I actually knew and liked, she said no because they were pop songs.
I guess it was her right as a teacher not to teach it if she didn’t like it, but she really shouldn’t have expected me to be interested in learning if it was all music I didn’t care about. I’m pretty sure music teachers in actual public school pick at least some songs the kids like.
I found out years later that the reason I can’t stand up easily is I have uneven legs, so I tilt to one side when I stand (good think my name isn’t Eileen), and I have a more curved spine than usual and a curved tailbone, making it hard to stand straight for long periods of time. I have gotten a bit better with some chiropractic treatment and exercises to improve my core, but it’s never been easy for me to move the same as other people, and it probably never will be unless the problem is resolved. Which is unlikely.
So she got mad at me for something I couldn’t help. and I told her and my mom that I just got tired and didn’t feel right standing.
The crazy thing is, you can sing sitting down. It wouldn’t have been a big deal. Sure it’s better to stand,but I wasn’t going to be doing any Broadway musical, it would have been fine for me to sit while learning. She sat while teaching me.
Even moving around, which was still easier for me than standing because I could at least shift balance, she wouldn’t allow.
I suppose, maybe it’s not her fault that she didn’t know I had a real problem and just thought I wasn’t listening to her. But the issue is, she never even considered any alternative explanation other than I was trying to be defiant.
Well, to be fair, after she got on my nerves with this crap for weeks on end, I was trying to be defiant. But it didn’t start off that way. If sh’e d been nice to me, I wouldn’t have wanted to act out. But she did all this from the start, when I wasn’t trying to do anything to set her off.
I know, not the most mature thing–but I was 12 years old. 12 year olds aren’t mature. Even so the worst I did was probably roll my eyes and act bored, which is rude, but hardly the kind of rebellion I would think would warrant a four person intervention.
Again, no one just sat me down and talked to me about this in a normal way first. Which is my first recourse as child care provider myself. I always gives kids a warning before I jumped to a full lecture. If they ignore the warning, then I know they’re blowing me off. But if they don’t, then they were just being kids with short attention spans who don’t know social etiquette yet. I make allowances. It’s not like every kid is going to be able to figure this out intuitively.
Anyway, to get back to how this tied into love.
During this dialogue we were having, which felt more like a one sided monologue to me, they were criticizing pretty much everything about me.
Even at the time I didn’t think it made a lot of sense, 4 adults, two of whom I didn’t really know that well, and barely talked to the one, and my parents, all criticizing me.
I’m now very against this approach in practice. I think most people with experience with kids or even teenagers would be. Two people is about the limit for any confrontation with a kid that’s not a medical emergency, I’d say, without it feeling like you’re bullying the kid. I’ve seen kids cry over less, as it is.
Oh and I was crying through most of the conversation. Do you think they stopped? Do you think they tried to comfort me and get me to calm down?
Nope.
Tey told me I shouldn’t cry anymore.
And my singing teacher even picked apart the way I was sitting as being a defensive psotiosns.
Can’t imagine why I would have feel the need to protect myself , under the circumstances.
Now that I’m experienced enough to know how weird this situation was , I’m amazed my mom didn’t see it that way. But I figure my father probably bullied her into it, as he usually did.
The icing on the cake of all this was that one thing I was getting in trouble for was something my dad told me to do, and though I even expressed doubt about doing it to him, he said it would be fine. So I did it.
It was not fine.
He conveniently had forgotten he told me to do it. He admitted to it during the confrontation.
Do you think they stopped? Do you think they apologized to me for the mistake? Do you think they admitted it wasn’t fair?
Not in my memory. But I have blocked out a lot of it, I could be wrong…I do know it wouldn’t be in character for them to do it. I can’t recall either of the other two adults ever admit they were wrong.
My dad would only admit he was wrong about imagined things, not real things. Go figure.
The part that made this about love, much to my dismay both now and then, was that they claimed this entire humiliating experience was done out of love.
Yeah…it really felt like being torn apart for 2-3 hour staring was an act of love.
In the end, though, I did still quit the drum. I find it funny that the thing that set this off was still something I won about. Yet, I feel like I lost more than I gained from the experience.
I’m not sorry now I quit drum, it wasn’t for me. I’m not even sorry I took singing lesson, I enjoy singing. Granted, I hated taking them for that woman, but I did like learning it and I like knowing a bit about it now.
I do still wish she’d taught me how to sing different styles than she did so I could have used it more widely, but them’s the brakes.
Of course one incident might not have given me a complex about love, though for some people that might be enough to do it, but I’m a reasonable person, and I was even as a teen, though less so then, of course.
Still, I could have probably put together that that wasn’t right, if my dad hadn’t reinforced it over and over again.
But pretty much any time my dad and I were alone for longer than 10 minutes he’d start up on the subject again. Bring up every example they had, remind me that his two friends,and even their family, didn’t like me. Say I was a lot like a narcissist.
The funny part is my dad is the the actual narcissist, or has BPD. One of other or both, maybe. I now know it’s common to project your own toxic traits onto someone else, I don’t know that at 12, of course.
Always though, my dad would end or begin or interject into the middle of these lectures, that this was done in “love.”
I’m a very sensitive woman. I always have been. I won’t say verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse, both suck.
But to a sensitive person, it was devastating to hear this so many times.
I’m not a meek type of girl though. I fought back.
But since fighting back, both the first time,and every time after that, never got my anywhere, it created this complex where I feel like nothing I do will ever change people’s minds about me, and I expected them to dislike me, secretly, even if I’m not aware of doing anything to them to cause it.
I expected that for many years every time I met any new person.
Unfortunately, the world had a lot of touchy people in it, and sometimes, I got proven right. I’m sure my insecurities didn’t help with that, since insecure people tend to do things to tick others off anyway, but sometimes it really just came out of nowhere.
The unlucky times my dad got involved, he would usually agree with whoever it was. Even if it was the Sunday school teacher beefing with me for causing problems just by sitting in her class doing nothing.
My sister was there too. They don’t call her in for questioning. She didn’t even know what I did, to this day, I don’t know. But I know my dad was always ready to agree with anyone who had a problem with his daughter. Didn’t matter how unbalanced that person was to begin with.
All the little things my dad did to sabotage my life, but they added up.
I can’t of course, lay the blame for everything at his feet. Some of it was my fault. Some of it was other people’s besides my dad’s.
But the person who twisted the knife every time by calling it love, that was my dad.
I’ve never had people comment on how little I seem to be able to receive love.
Because when someone says that word, I flinch sometimes, inwardly.
I actually prefer if people use words like “I care about you” or “I appreciate you” because they ton’d set me off the same way. My dad certainly would never use words like that.
But “proud for you” is a trigger too, because he used that also.
It never meant anything. I figured out years in that he didn’t mean it. And I figured out also that even if I had done something to be proud of, he would have meant it. He didn’t think that way.
Pride in us wasn’t about what we did, or even about us being his kids, it was always about what he thought we wanted to hear to do what he wanted.
See, some people just never give love, and that’s bad enough.
Other people use love as reward for good behavior, and that’s just as bad, or maybe worse.
The type of person really talk about is the kid who uses love as a motivation if and when threats aren’t working. Just so you can be both scared, and then feel guilty for being scared.
Gas lighting at another level.
Thanks to this, I can’t feel love easily.
I won’t say it’s impossible. I feel love for other people. It’s easier when it children, people who don’t scare me.
That’s what got me, truth didn’t help. Truth is very important to me. If I assume something about someone, and alt er find out a fact about them that calls that into question, I actually changed my mind. I can’t imagine not doing that. But there are many people who will never change their mind, no matter what the truth is.
It’s hard to realize that when you’re not that kind of person.
But I’ve learned to let it slide off my back more.
I’m not writing this to say that my dad ruined my life. Or even that he ruined my relationships. I have good relationships with some of my family. And I have friends. I’m learning to get better at all this.
I hope one day to have a good marriage–which I will probably get counseling for, but that’s just good sense.
And a good relationship with my own children, if God grants me them like I hope.
But I’m not going to lie about my life and say all this didn’t matter or have some effect. Admitting it mattered actually is part of healing.
So it did matter and it is sad. Even saying that took me years to get to. I’m glad for the people along the way, here and there, who did take my side and tell me that that wasn’t normal to go through that.
I had a very good grandmother who would sympathize with me, she was still there for me when my parents weren’t. I had a good youth leader who helped me see at least some of what my dad did was wrong years before I could go to therapy to her the same thing.
I wasn’t always alone. I was just alone too much for it to be good.
But we take what we get in life, and I see no point complaining about it. I think we get what we need ultimately if we seek it, but not always the way we imagine it.
I’ve still never really had father figure other than God. But God has been enough, I know that will sound weird to the person who’s not a Christian, but it is what it is. Think I’m crazy if you want, I really don’t care. Until you have a better cure for broken hearted and lonely people, I don’t really think I’ll swap out mine.
I hope that I will learn to like the word “love” when people say to me again.
I think all this came to mind not just because of the prompt, but because of a thing one of my friends, who is a very blunt person (too much like me probably) said to me at my birthday party.
She pointed out: “Look how loved you are.”
I was thinking that it was nice of them all to show up. And I thought she was right, they were trying to show love.
Yet, when she said it, I felt nothing expect probably confused.
Like I usually feel when someone says that. Or uncertain. Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s just doubt. Maybe they’re the same thing at bottom.
If I accept that, then how will I handle it when they end up doing the wrong thing to me, or leaving me? As everyone will, sooner or later.
Unfortunately for the person who has “avoidant attachment” disorder, as one therapist told me (he was an ass though, but he might have been right about that–he didn’t help me with the problem though), the fact is that being separated from the people you love is inevitable.
It’s hard enough for a healthy person to accept loss and grief. It’s harder if you’re someone like me who has had very little chance to even feel loved at all, so any short stint of it that will be taken away again feels cruel.
I have learned however, that often we’re more loved than we see.
And that the way I interpret love is not always the way people show it. A lot of stuff is just not communicated right.
And recently, I had an ordeal that my friends did not exactly make me feel better about. Doing a lot of the same things that set me off–but I didn’t blow up at them.
I was a bit upset, but I didn’t lash out at them because I knew, at least in my head, that they meant well and were trying to help.
While I would rather actually feel better, I do at least derive some sense of comfort for the fact that I have people who will attempt to help me, even if they don’t succeed. Having grace for people is important.
And that’s a huge stride for me, from where I started from.
So if you related to this post at all, I can tell you that it’s small things like that are along the path to health.
I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I know that at least being able to treat people with some degree of trust, even if you have doubts and anxieties, is the only way to start.
It might take years for me to feel it the way others do. I can be mad about that– or I can accept it and keep trying.
Maybe this is my favorite Naruto characters are Sai and Gaara. Both characters who pretty much embody the journey of learning to feel things again and feel them the right way.
Or my favorite author is C. S. Lewis, who wrote that it was important to be able to feel the right way about things, to be a whole and happy person. [It’s in the “Abolition of Man” book.]
If you met me in person, you might not even guess this about me. My friends have told me they wouldnt’ have before I told them.
I take that good sign. I’ve worked enough on the issues I have are not all obvious. That’s progress. They used to be blatantly obvious to people, based on what they told me.
I’m not a closed off person in every way either.
I guess my point in all this it is to say that these issues don’t define me, and they don’t define you either. You can have issues like this and still be a loving person. So they make you more loving because you over-compensate, in fact.
But I think you can never been too loving, so it’s a win-win. Sometimes broken stuff can be fixed to be stronger than it was naturally. Like when they cut off the trunk of trees to graft in a stronger trunk, but keep the old root system. (They can do that with fruit trees, did you know that?). You gotta know what to keep and what to throw away.
Well this got pretty long for a daily prompt post, so I think I’ll end it here. I hope some of this was encouraging, since it was kind of raw and heavy for this kind of post, but it was where my mind went, as as you know my motto is to keep it honest.
I’m waiting for my family to get ready so we can open presents, since, you know, that’s how we do.
I thought I’d write a short post about how Christmas has changed for me a bit this year.
We still did all the same things, but I felt like I wanted to do them myself more this year.
The last few years, I’ve kind of lost my enthusiasm for a lot of the things I used to like as a kid. I didn’t want to decorate the tree, listen to the music, or do cookies and lights and all the other stuff.
I’m not sure if it had something to do with my dad moving out, and the subsequent depression and anxiety that followed for a few years, or if it was as I’ve become an adult, I don’t have the same childlike enthusiasm as before, so I didn’t see a point to it all.
This year though, I found myself wanting to do those things again. And I did, I actually helped do a lot more than before. I set up the tree, and my sister and I made cookies since our mom had to work.
My sisters and I have all had to step up more and more often as our schedules get more busy and our mom’s does too. We’ve taken on more and more responsibilities.
That stressed me out more last year, but this year I felt more into it.
But I really think the change is more of tied to my new job somehow. I’ve noticed I’ve become a lot more productive even at home, since starting it.
It’s hard to believe how much of a difference it makes but because at this job I’m treated like an adult (instead of a student like I was at the last job), I’ve grown to see myself with more self respect.
It’s not that I didn’t try to be a good worker at previous jobs, but I felt always lile I was treated as beneath my boss, even when they were nice to me.
This job, even though I’ve made mistakes, sure, everyone does, I’m never belittled or treated poorly. So I’ve gained the ability to be able to offer solutions to problems and enact them myself. And instead of getting in trouble for doing things differently than the others, I’ve been told it’s good that I came up with my own approach.
I now understand why people find good work environments make such a difference. While I coudl survive in a bad one, if I had to, the good one makes you feel more like a person.
And carrying that self respect back home, I also made more contributes to the household budget (small ones but I tried) and did more chores and stuff. Because now I feel more like an adult.
I’m 26, I’ve been an adult for several years, but the mindest just wasn’t fully thre for me. I mean, I’ve not been immature, but I guess it was more of not feeling like other people gave me credit for it. That feels different now.
It shifts, really.
To cap it off, I bought my second car (first one I’ve paid for though) this month, and that was another milestone.
I also wil file taxes for the first time next year. Yay…
But actually, making enough income to even need to worry about filing was something I prayed about. I don’t relish the idea of paying them, but if I’m finally not under the poverty line, then that’s good. (I know you can file even if you are, but I made a few thousand at most the year before this so it was literally pointless to even bother with that. This is the first year I’ve made more.)
I think also, as I’m older now, I’ve realized that I won’t always be able to do all this with my family.
Not that I’m planning to move out, get married, or anything else any time soon. But it will happen eventually.
I know everyone says that, but, I think it is true. Maybe it’s just a phase of life to realize that. Kids are always looking forward to the next thing, which is not bad, they have their whole life ahead of them.
Elderly people tend to look behind them, though some of them don’t, but many live in the past.
I’m not sure there’s any one age where you decide to live in the present, at least not universally, but I think that’s kind of what I’ve been thinking.
And Christmas is the time to think about present, right?
Ha ha…I know, bad joke.
But at the same time, I mean…yeah, the holidays are kind of what let us slow down and see where we are right now.
Maybe that’s why God commanded so many of them in the bible. A lot of people don’t know this, but Celebration is actually considered a spiritual discipline by the Christian church.
Because it is a discipline, isn’t it? It takes work to make celebrations. And it’s something I’ve never been very good at. I was an anxiety ridden teenager and child, and as an adult, I’ve only made steps outside that in the last couple years.
So I understood why it’s actually an act of self will to celebrate.
But if you do, if you build up tha muscle, eventually you’ll come to see why it matters so much.
Feasts, dedications, festivals, they help us remember the good things that happened in the year.
Gretchen Rubin, author of the the “Happiness Project” wrote in her book that “the days are long but the years are short.”
That’s so true.
We experience the present as a long time, day by day, but it drops away from us into the past so quickly. The older I get, the faster it goes.
I’m not really sad about this. I think change is important and it’s often fun, and good. I’m not as afraid of it as a I was as a kid.
But nonetheless, we can miss what’s good in our lives if we never pause to think about it.
Every book and movie about Christmas feels like it’s about that, doesn’t it?
Maybe there’s a reason for that. Maybe it’s something that humans just know, deep down, about holidays.
And remember that in the Bible, the angel told the shepherds “Peace on Earth and good will to men”. Designating the birth of Christ as the time to celebrate and have good will to each other.
So I have good will that all of you will have a good Christmas.
And even if you are dealing with some tough stuff this Christmas, try to find something to celebrate.
(I get to have a dentist appointment tomorrow that I didn’t want, and that’s just the beginning, so no, my life is not perfect right now, but, I’m not letting that steal my joy.)
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight, day, and whatever is in between.
Until next time–Natasha (do you know that name means Christmas? Fitting right.)
I was looking at a short video on YouTube last night which made me kind of sad.
In it, one of those r/reddit threads was asking people about something they’ve never forgotten being said to them, and the person told a story about how their husband said their singing was annoying.
This woman loved to sing, and after her husband said that, she said she no longer felt the same about it. It was her way of expressing joy.
Though he later apologized, she still felt bad.
The comment section was full of people sharing similar stories of how others crapped on their innocent fun and talents in the same way.
I have that story too, only it didn’t happen to me just once. My dad made fun of my singing for years, though it didn’t stop me from doing it (though it did stop me from doing it around him a lot.)
Once I even sang for his birthday party since my sisters weren’t willing to do it, though he wasn’t very happy with me doing it instead, and after he said I sang off key. No “thank you”, nothing.
My father was less than encouraging about my writing (doesn’t read this blog either, not for years,) and even encouraged my sisters to make fun of it. Thankfully, they stopped doing that and are now my biggest fans (and sometimes the only fans I have.)
I was hurt plenty of times by my dad’s comments, and my mom didn’t exactly say he was wrong.
Though I had a singing instructor who said I had a good voice, I didn’t really think so.
Now I can’t even tell. I like singing still, I like listening to myself if I’m not on recording, but on recording, I can’t tell if it’s good or not.
I often wish I could sing like my sister, who has a very good voice and musical talent.
But the funny thing is, she was encouraged in that by my father and other people, and me and my other sister even, while we were less encouraged.
And I’ve noticed that singing is harder when you feel less confident about it. Actually that was in some of the other stories in the thread too.
Pretty much everything is hard to do well when you feel insecure.
But singing made me happy.
Honestly, while I would like it if other people enjoyed listening to me, I would sing anyway, even if only while I was alone.
It was sad to me to read that so many people just gave up what they loved doing, just because of one mean comment.
It’s like we thing one other person is really the judge of our talents.
Newflash: Other people can be wrong, and often are wrong.
I mean name one famous singer who is liked by every single person. None of them are.
No famous artist appeals to every single person out there. Some philosophers used to think that’s what made art, art. The fact that it can’t always appeal to the masses.
What we find annoying also changes based on how tired we are, how stressed we are, and as us ladies know, our hormone levels.
I can be fine with something one day and another day and I want to scream if I hear it or see it.
I can even find singing and talking annoying sometimes, from other people.
But I do not do what my father used to do and bark “Quiet!” at them, just for existing. (He said that when we sneezed or coughed too, as if we could help that).
I do have moments when I say sharp things without a good reason, I won’t deny it. I think we all do. But thankfully, my family knows that I’m doing that in a moment of irritation and not because I find what they do annoying at all times. And they know that because I praise them for what they do also.
It’s fine to maybe not want to hear or do something at one particular moment, and if it won’t hurt the other person’s feelings, you can say “can we please be quiet for a bit?”
In a secure relationship, someone else can understand that you just need a break, and it’s not them, it’s just that you’re tired.
But if you say things thoughtlessly lie ” you’re annoying” Then it becomes about having a problem with them.
I’m sure my dad was told he was annoying all the time growing up, he’s said as mcuh (and he was, from all I hear). No doubt to him, it’s normal to snap at people like that.
But I don’t want to be that way.
I also think we need to grow a thicker skin. All of us are going to annoy people sometimes. And it’s good to be considerate of them.
The funny thing is my father was not the least bit considerate of me. When he played his music, he’d crank it up so loud it would make my head hurt. Even if I told him I already had a headache, he would just say “Too bad!”
Yeah, this is the same person who got mad at us for involuntarily sneezing.
You see my point? Some people are just nsaty.
You can’t let them kill your joy.
The fact is, what you’re doing may only be annoying to them because they are too easily annoyed. We all need to learn paitence.
It’s not like every feeling is valid (whatever they say now). I know that it’s irrational to find kids laughing annoying, especially if they’re outside, and not bothering me, but some people still find it annoying. But if I do, that’s a me problem. they’re not doing anything wrong. (I don’t actually find it annoying btw, it’s just an example.)
The feeling of annoyance is something that’s hard to control and inconsistent; and that’s why we shouldn’t let it master our words and actions. It’s not even worth it to complain half the time, I think.
In my mind, the only valid time to ask someone not to do something because it annoys you is if you’re feeling sick or you’re trying to focus or rest, and then it is inconsiderate of them.
Otherwise, they’re just living their lives, and you should let them.
And I apply that to my own actions too. I try not to get mad at people over dumb little things they don’t need to worry about.
Often, I just change my environment. Like, if I don’t want to listen to someone or something in the background, I put in my earbuds. We have so much technology now that can help us not be annoyed and then make us be nicer to people, but we still don’t always use it.
I chose not to listen to my dad, and to keep singing and keep writing.
And look at me now.
I’m not extremely successful as a writer maybe, but, I’m growing, I’m reaching an audience. I’m honing my skills.
And I may not be a famous singer, but I put it to use when I teach and my love of music works for me in other ways, like when I practice sign language.
I also recently had a karaokee themed birthday party, and while I didn’t sing the best (had a clogged throat from allergies), my friends said that it was still very fun.
And that’s the real point.
Not everyone is really good at something, but that’s no reason not to do it, if you like it.
I am not good at chess. I still played someone last week who I knew would beat me, because it’s fun, and I like to challenge myself (I like wining more, but, it’s good to play a game you know you’ll lose every so often, just to not get too arrogant.)
I’m not great at dancing, but I still dance.
Who cares?
If someone really needs to control your actions to that point, maybe they have the probelm.
That’s why I’m telling you all, if you dropped something that you used to love because of a mean comment, don’t.
Get back into it.
Don’t let people shame you out of doing what you really like.
I’m not saying to make a career out of it, though maybe you could. But some things we need to do just for the love of them, because money has a way of making even fun things feel like work.
That may be why God in His wisdom gives us all a penchant to enjoy doing things we aren’t good at, so that we won’t monetize everything we do.
If I ever make money from writing, I know it might take some of the fun out. And you know, I’m disciplined enough now to maybe be able to handle it, but, I’m glad I had so many years of doing it for only myself for only a few people. I got to really enjoy what I do.
Same thing with childcare really. I didn’t have to do it for a long time, but I voluntarily did it, and even though I do it for a living now (in a way), I’m still glad I didn’t for a long time.
So whatever people said to you, remember they don’t have the right to judge your entire life, or your interests.
Personally, I don’t do that to others. Even if I think they suck at what they do, it’s their life and it’s their right to do it. I don’t have to particopate in it if I think it’s bad, right?
(I’m talking just about quality, not morality, obviously, that’s a different conversation than this post is having).
Anyway, I hope this encourages someone. I felt like more people needed to hear this. Just do what you love.
Even if you’re doing it alone, or not paid, or people say you’re not good at it, do it anyway. Skill isn’t everything in life.
As you may know, I’ve used part of this blog to post about my recovery process after living with an abusive father for most of my life.
While I may not have as many horror stories as some people (and I acknowledge that everyone is different) it was definitely enough to poison my happiness and my self confidence for many years.
I still live with some side effects of that, but, by and large, my life has vastly improved in the lats 6 years.
I was dealing with depression and anxiety for a while because of what happened (and because I had reoccurring issues with that growing up), but I’ve gotten much better, and I’ve never needed meds. (Some people might, but I felt it wasn’t for me.)
So I thought I’d blog about some of the changes I’ve made.
Keys to Happiness
A lot of people say happiness is fleeting. That it’s just an emotion.
What I’ve come to see from both my own life, and observing other people’s, as well as reading about it, is that it would be more accurate to say happiness is a continual process, not a point of arrival.
I remember during the period of my recovery where I could barely eat because of anxiety (something my mom and sister also went trhough, and I’ve since learned is a symptom of people who’ve been narcissistically abused) some things like songs and messages would help me get trhough the dark points.
One that caught my attention was “Theseus” by the OH Hellos (one of my favorite bands still).
“At the edges of my fingers, never quite closing around it, that peace like a river always going, never getting.
Seems like maybe it’s not all that much a place, as it is a way, and ways don’t ever seem to want to stay too still, too long.”
[Theseus– The Oh Hellos]
I realized after hearing this song that the Bible describes Peace and love and joy as the paths of righteousness, and it always describes goodness as a “way” you walk.
Many major religions or even small ones, describe peace as a state you arrive at at the end of a journey But the Christian religion suggests that peace and joy are things you “practice.” You do them. You build up spiritual muscles to them. Paul even calls it “spiritual exercise” in his letter to Timothy.
I had a paradigm shift gradually after this point. I heard other people teach on the same subject around that time, I’ve always noticed that when I’m learning about a new concept, God throws other sermons and books and people into my path who echo it.
Happiness, and joy, if you prefer the deeper word, are both things you walk in. You make daily, weekly, monthly choices that make you more likely to feel happy.
1. Food
For me, nutrition was a big part of that. It was hard, but I ahd to choose to eat even when I felt sick or had low appetitet or was stressed out.
I never used to do that, and then I’d feel worse because I have a very fsat metabolism and skping evne one meal is enoght to amke me lightheaded and nasuoous. But when i eat regualra, I tend to feel much better.
I was put on a path of findi out how my body works, after suffering for several months with symspt like gaggin and acid reflux because it got so out of hand.
And over time, I learned to eat as a discipline even when I didn’t feel like it, and avoid the symptoms (for the most part) that not eating was giving me.
The weird part was I realized I had had those symptoms my entire life, since childhood, but had always avoided eating as a way to handle them.
I learned things I could do, like use anti-acids, or tea, or protein, to offset the symptoms when they started so I didn’t get to the point where I felt like throwing up.
And I’ve had problems like that since I was a kid.
I also learned to drink things with electrolytes instead of just water or to eat stuff with high sugar when I most felt like I was dropping, because it replenishes faster. And I suddenly stopped feeling sick all the time with allergies and sinus issues like I always did before. I never realized that dehydration was one of the main reasons I felt sick.
And that led me to find out that cold compresses, heating pads, and using aloe vera to help with inflammation, and using nasal spray and eye drops to help with it in hard to reach areas, could also alleviate a lot of the discomfort I felt when I had allergy attacks (which I do frequently).
My health issues have not disappeared now, and some things I did need to seek more help for, like getting a chiropractor for my spine misalignment (which also caused nausea and poor digestion)–but the point is, the entire process began because of what I experienced form trauma leading me to learn different ways of doing things.
I’m not saying that all health problems can be fixed this way, but almost all of them can be made less difficult to deal with by making lifestyle changes. And some can be cured, it depends on the problem. If I had known as a kid what I know now, I’d have missed out on a lot less activities because I felt sick or weak and didn’t want to do them. I might not have done as poorly at jobs that I felt sluggish at because I didn’t eat, never realizing that that was the reason I felt so sick.
And I wouldn’t have felt as depressed, because I realized that low blood sugar was a huge cause of it.
It’s a cycle. You’re stressed so you don’t eat, but then not eating makes you more stressed. But I had to break that cycle step by step. It was never a thing I arrived at. I’m still learning about what works for me 6 years later, but, I am a lot better now than I was then.
And that was just one physical aspect of it. But as C. S. Lewis pointed out in the ScrewtapeLetters, our body affects our spirits. If we treat our body poorly, we tend to treat our spirit poorly. If our body is weak, our spirit will be weak to fight off dark thoughts.
Probably 90% of depressed kids now are not getting proper nutrition, and not enough sunlight, which also has vitamins you need for your body.
We medicate them, but that just puts more chemicals into your body that are not even really good for it, because they suppress emotions, they don’t balance them, and often they don’t work very well. Even if you feel less sad, you feel less period.
Again for some people, it might work, but a lot of people don’t find it helpful, and often are not told what would most help them is different food habits and different lifestyle habits.
2. Exercising more
True confession: I really only started this one recently.
I did notice that some dancing and walking made me feel better even years ago when I started this journey, but, to be honest, I didn’t make it a regular thing enough to reap the benefits.
I’m not the best at exercising on a schedule now, with work and other things going on, but I still try to frequently work out and walk and get in the sunlight, most importantly.
Even an 20-30 minute walk can make you feel a lot better and get you some needed Vitamin D.
But even more if you sweat, sweat is a good stress reliever.
I started my exercise program for myself during my break from school/work because I realized that when I had things to accomplish, I felt less down and had more energy. I also set myself chores every week so I would feel like I was doing something worthwhile. But I’d say out of the two, exercise helped improve my mood the most and my energy.
Also I felt more like doing chores after I worked out, strange to say. Because it got the blood and endorphins glowing, which makes you feel more productive. Go figure. And you wonder how house wives and farmers wives used to get so much done in one week. It was because they had to do it every day so they were really fit and that made them more motivated (also because they actually expected their children to help them, but that’s a subject for another time). Also they took Sunday completely off, while most of us cram it with just as many activities as week days because it’s our free time.
That leads to my next point.
3. Taking Earned breaks
I would never tell people that work, work, work is the only cure to being depressed or anxious.
It helps a lot. Tests on rats have shown that a cushy lifestyle makes you more depressed and more anxious and more aggressive, not less so. All that energy you’d normally use to survive has to go somewhere. We’re no different. (The rich people who are the most happy have hobbies that are very active, and always have, it’s a fantasy of TV shows that rich people don’t do anything all day except get waited on.)
There’s nothing wrong with resting and relaxing. I can find it hard to really relax, especially when I have the most high anxiety.
Sometimes doing stuff is the best way to keep your mind off it.
But then you can swing back, like I do sometimes, and try to do toomuch, creating more things to be anxious about.
I sometimes rush into stuff as a way to feel more important or productive in life. I have to be reminded over and over again that your value is not determined by what you di for people and for the Lord, but by what you are and how you love (more on that later).
I need rest too. But I found it easier to rest when I actually worked first. Just lazing around on the couch all day doesn’t feel like rest because you never worked. Or taking Saturday or Sunday off doesn’t feel like rest, if you didn’t work all week.
But if you’re active, then rest is sweeter.
I’ve told my family since I Started my 35 hour a week job (more than I ever worked before in my life, though less than some people), that I realized I need to either take Saturday or Sunday to do pretty much nothing, and it depends on which week was which. Even if that means skipping Church, because that can be a stressful thing to get ready for and drive to, and it’s still exhausting for me. Especially if I’m serving in a ministry that day.
So sometimes I skip it, and rest. And I choose to stay home if I’m not feeling too good instead of powering through it, unless I have no choice.
And if Saturday is free, then I can go on Sunday, but at least one day needs to be a stay at home, don’t do anything difficult, day. Not that I do absolutely nothing, but I do light stuff that won’t physically or mentally strain me.
And the bible lays this out too. Work 6 days, rest on the 7th. I’ve found it doesn’t really matter which day it is, as long as I have one day per week. And it seems like one is enough. Two is nice, when I can, but one at least helps me have the mental fortitude to go back to work. When I don’t do that, the looming work week just feels so overwhelming, I dread it.
I enjoy work, when it’s challenging and I have things to contribute, but I also enjoy rest. They need to be in balance. I’m not the first to point this out, or the last, I’m just telling you that it really works.
And I’m only 26. I’m still at the age where you can push yourself too far and get away with it, but, I really find I can’t do that, even now. Maybe I’ll be better off for it when I’m older.
4. Doing things for other people and just keeping a kind attitude towards them
Gretchen Rubin, author of the “Happiness Project” (which inspired some of the changes I made to my life that I’m writing about, but also I found some of them before I read it a year and half ago, and she just confirmed I was on the right track) wrote that one of her life mottos is:
“There is only love.”
Meaning, I think, that at the end of the day, you really have nothing else to bring satisfaction except what you love, and choose to invest in. Especially if they are people.
And love isn’t always about doing things, though that is a big part of it.
But Corrie Ten Boom wrote how when her mother, who was a very loving person, could no longer do things for people after having a stroke, she still showed her love for them. Corrie wrote that “love is bigger than the walls that shut it in.”
Love is something we do with our souls, not just our bodies, though we should use them if we can.
Maybe you’ve seen this in a small smile a stranger might give you that still has kindness and good will in it. Or just a gesture that would seem meaningless usually but it’s done to help someone else out. Or the lack of a gesture, which sometimes says more.
A lot of us have no clue where to start with small acts of kindness, or we just don’t priortize it.
Also we have different definitions of kindness.
C. S. Lewis wrote that men think that unselfishness is not making people need to do things for you, and that women think that unselfishness is doing things to help other people.
And the difference of that is often what causes fights.
I think he’s right about men and women but I think there’s more overlap. I know ladies who never ask for help and think that makes them unselfish, but they also never offer to help you. And I know men who offer to help you a lot but then can end up making it more difficult for you by accident. And we need to do some things ourselves to feel competent and capable.
Some men think they need to stay out of the way of men, but do things for women. Which yes, by and large, I agree with. But there are nuances. Same with how women treat men.
And a lot of us never really try to figure this out.
The idea of “do no harm” is a popular way to define unselfishness now. But I don’t think it’s complete.
The bible definitely teaches that doing good is a key part of love, and even that it’s the more important part. Not doing anything is okay at times, but, only at times.
But in general, the more people who help, the easier something will be.
And often learning to accept help is a big struggle of ours. I’ve had to learn to do this too. I do not like asking for help. I actually noticed that it was making things more stiff between me and my co-worker though, that I never shared difficulties or questions about what we were doing with them.
I think people act helpless too often when they really aren’t, so I try to avoid acting that way (never let them see you sweat and all) but it can be a turn off. In this day and age people think that teamwork and being open about struggle is more important that just being able to do something alone. That was more Gen X and before’s mindset.
I find that usually I really can solve the problem myself, but asking for help makes people feel more connected with my contributions, and helps them to see I am doing things, so I’ve started to do it more. I still don’t like it, but, I’ll do it for the sake of morale.
And that’s a big part of love, I think. You don’t always like it but you make allowances for what other people need and like.
Not everything is about you.
The more I’ve put effort into doing things that I think will make others happy, the better I feel about myself and my life.
I’ve always wanted to have an impact on the world.
And while I don’t always feel that I contribute something really big, I try not to live small.
My current job is just coordinating tests for the Special Ed kids at a highschool. Basically, I sit in a room, waiting for them to come in, and hand out the tests and then collect them afterward.
I go over rules about it with them, answer questions about it if I can, or contact the teachers if I can’t. I also have to watch for cheating (an ongoing problem) and for kids getting distracted. Basically the person that kids don’t like the most, usually, on staff because they are only there to make sure they don’t do anything bad.
I love kids and hate the public school system so the job was ironic for me in many ways, but it was what I could get and it had a much better salary than my previous job, so I took it as a blessing. And it gives me a lot of time to write (I’m sitting in my “office” classroom right now writing this post, and checking every so often on the kids).
But I resolved that I would do my best to make my job work for me.
I made sure to start learning the kid’s names right off, it took a few weeks but I got most of them down. So I could actually treat them like people and not just people I had to watch.
I made it a point to say “have a good day” every time they left, and “Hello” and “Good morning” when they came in.
I bought extra things like pencil sharpeners, earplugs, and highlighters that I did get provided by the school (they give me some things, but not everything I wanted) so that I could have whatever they needed with me.
Some of them said the room was so bland it was stressing them out (and I had to agree, it was very boring). So I bought a bunch of posters that had nature scenes on them (some that looked like windows so the room looked bigger), and one with a phoenix on it that says “Grades Will rise from the Ashes” under it. (I made that part myself, my family said it was a good idea, and the kids did like it, so I guess they were right.)
I hung up some fake leaves on the back peg board and put fake flowers on my desk/table to brighten it up.
I also memorize the classes the kids are in for the most part so I could get them the tests faster.
I often make jokes or some wry comment to make it seem more like I’m human and not just some scary person. But I am firm when I need to be. When they don’t give me trouble, I don’t give them trouble, that’s my motto.
I’ve made the kids laugh with some of my jokes, so I guess it works out.
Yes, I have problems sometimes with them, but that’s teenagers, and people in general. Communication and attitudes are not always constantly good, but overall, we get along fine and they say they’re pretty comfortable coming to the room and testing here and that I make it more bearable, though they don’t enjoy the testing part much.
But I, at least, am not part of the bad experience, and that was my goal. I can’t make school less boring or annoying maybe, but I can not be part of the soul sucking experience of it. (And hey it’s not a bad school…I just know it’s stressful no matter how good your school is.)
I also try to be nice to my co-workers, and compliment them, and joke, and be cooperative as much as I can be.
This was all basic stuff, stuff anyone should do…and yet, a lot of people don’t do it.
And it helps me, not just them. By treating the kids and adults like people, I feel less bored and less lonely sitting here all day than I would otherwise. We may not be friends, but we’re like neighbors, in a sense. Not close but not hostile, we live in the same vicinity so we get along for the greater good.
Often, school and work can feel like a warzone to people who hate their job. And I could hate my job, if I wanted to focus on the negative parts.
But I don’t. I want to love what I do.
And while I don’t have any passion for testing students or enforcing rules I often think are dumb, I do have it for makinh people’s lives more enjoyable and if I can do that even at school, then, I will.
And in that way, I am living my dream even when it’s not really my dream job. But jobs come and go, really. How you look at them is the only thing you can control about your worklife.
5. Cut back on negativity
Short and simple. I indulged in reading a lot of angsty stories and listen to dark music while I was going through the effects of trauma after my father left.
It felt kind of good, and maybe there is a place for it, but finally I realized that it was encouraging me to dwell on the more dark parts of my life too much. I would get dragged back down to the same discouragement and depression as I felt before.
Especially when I was going through the time when I felt like dying would be better than living, reading about suicidal people just made me feel more hopeless.
I know a lot of people who do this, they gorge themselves on dark media and stories and say they enjoy the angst.
But it’s not good for you.
In moderation, a dark story isn’t unhealthy maybe, but if you read only that–I swear people take pride in it.
One person online told me that they just aren’t interested in a story if the happy character in it isn’t suffering abuse.
. . .
I wanted to ask them if they’d sought counseling for that issue.
Yes, as an author , I enjoy some drama, makes the story more fun to read. And yes, I write some darker stuff, because that’s life.
But I never write a happy character specifically to torture them with abuse and sadness. I have never written anything that was primarily an angst story.
Yes, it’s fun to make a character experience emotions they don’t usually, but it has to be done right, balanced and realistic. People just write with no sense of balance about it sometimes and indulge in it because pity can feel good,in a sick way.
Sometimes it can feel good to hurt people’s feelings, if you’re the type to get comfort out of making others share your own pain. (And all of us are sometimes, aren’t we?)
[Sometimes– Skillet]
But it’s not wise.
It’s also not wise to watch only political stuff that frustrates you about either side. And I have done that too. I had to cut back, it was making me hate the world too much.
Or videos about how stupid one gender is (am I calling you out yet?). Sure, I have problems with men, and with women. But the more I watch of people just complaining about them, either side, the more I think that the real problem is that. No one wants to take accountability for their part in it.
It’s gross. It’s easy to get hooked on, but it’s still gross. And it’s bad for you too.
Soon all you see is negativity.
The irony is, in my real life, plenty of people aren’t like that, and are nice, upstanding people. So if my view of the world is influenced more by people I don’t even know, online, that by people I do know irl…ins’t that a problem?
Sure some of us only know jerks…but you are what you attract, in that case, I say. We all think that we’re not also a jerk, but…if you are surrounded by them, clearly they think you’re one of them.
The point is, don’t put negativity around you if you don’t want to feel that way (preaching to myself here),
7. Get out and try new things
Another simple one, but sometimes motivating myself to go out and do anything when I don’t have to is hard.
But making friends and inviting them to do things I haven’t before, has proven to be a lot of fun. And helped me get closer to people who I’m not used to hanging out with.
I don’t have a expect opinion on the right way to do it, but I find even putting in effort, whether or not it was a success, has changed how I view myself.
I feel like a more confident person after I try stuff a little different than what I usually do.
(I recently tried karaoke for the first time. I’m not the best singer, but it was a blast anyway. The important thing is, it was new and fun).
Learning more about yourself is a good way to feel more at peace with the world, I’ve noticed.
I don’t really believe in all that self actualization stuff, but I do believe that you should find out what you like, and be comfortable with who you are.
Conclusion:
Of course, for me, all of this comes from Above.
I prayed about what to do to help myself feel better, and I believe God directed me to try all those things.
I’m still learning.
I’ve also gained a lot of perspective on my life. I am on better terms with my father, though I doubt we’ll ever be close. I’m even on better terms with the people I got along with before, but we feel closer now. Without all the unspoken tension in our house.
All in all, my life got way better, despite how difficult those dark times were.
And I learned a lot about what makes me the most happy and satisfied.
But maybe the most important part of this is you have to see waht happened as having a purpose.
The author of “Man’s Search for Meaning”, Viktor Frankl, who survived a Nazi prison camp, wrote of doing therapy with people using meaning and purpose. It was very successful, because he found that people can bear suffering more when they think there was a reason for it.
People will make up reasons, if they don’t have one provided.
The Bible has a more nuanced approach. It teaches that not all suffering happens because we deserve it, or even because God wants it to happen to us, but that it just happens, because there is evil in the world.
But, that if we give even the senseless things that happen to us to God, He will give them meaning. He will redeem that suffering.
So even if God didn’t want everything that happened to happen, He will fix it anyway.
And I found that comforting. I can’t quite reconcile the idea of the senseless violence and cruelty in the world with God’s will enough to think that everything was meant to be that way.
But I can reconcile the idea that God will heal it, even if He will not (or cannot, maybe in a sense), prevent all of it.
We can be upset that bad stuff happens period, but, that won’t stop it from happening. And people who use the idea that “nothing we do matters” as comfort, might as well not be alive at all (and many of them soon no longer are because they take that to its natural conclusion.)
The only real way to rise above pain is to accept it’s not always deserved, and it’s not always your fault, and it’s also not always not your fault. You have to take each thing as it comes and decide what to do.
Pain should not change who we are, only sharpen it.
This was not easy for me to practice, but, when I chose to, it was because I felt that the worst pain of all would be if the suffering made me not who I wanted to be. That idea was worse than the idea of more pain, and more suffering.
Because at the end of the day, we are what we have, always, to work with. Everything else changes, except God, I believe.
That was my rock.
Whether everyone will accept that or not, I don’t know, and it’s not really my responsibility if they do, but, for me, that was the motivation for trying to find ways to climb out of the pit.
And I did.
There’s more trouble ahead, no doubt, but I think I know better how to deal with it now.
And Gretchen Rubin said the same. She was learning how to be happy so that she could weather future difficulties more easily and more resiliently, because she built up those habits.
I agree.
I hope you found this post interesting or helpful.
drybonestruth 