I had to read this book for Literature class last year called “Esperanza Rising”.

I liked it, though I saw many people did not care for the main character, but to me, the story was relatable in many ways.

I’m not Mexican, nor am I an immigrant, but nonetheless, the themes of Esperanza feeling like she must support her mother and be “la patrona” reminded me of the transition I went through at 20 when my father moved out.

My sisters and I wanted him gone. We no longer felt safe with him around (I wonder now if I ever felt safe around him, even as a small child).

Still, having a parent leave was like yanking a pillar out from under us, in some ways.

My father was never the most emotional stable or mature person,so it was odd to me that him leaving shook us up so much. When he was around, he spent most of his time ignoring us and a good portion of the rest of it tormenting us for kicks or because he was taking out his frustrations of the day on whoever was available.

Not a reassuring person.

It’s strange how even a bad father can still sem like a staple of your life. Even his presence alone can change ow you feel, though he may be mostly checked out of your life.

I guess our dad controlled our household ymanic. We might have hated it, but we couldn’t avoid it.

We lived around him being home and getting around his moods and whims. He’d sometimes have family meetings whenever he wanted to change something.

Often the change didn’t last, but we had to be there. And he didn’t like to wait.

I sometimes got my way in the house by getting dad on my side, if it was something I knew he’d approve of. That’s how I got chickens and ow we go out garden started.

I really did the hard part, but my dad’s insist was what go my mom to get going on it.

My dad literally would tell me sever times that my mom had to be dragged into things “kicking and screaming”.

Not the nicst way to talk about your wife, I thought.

Me and my dad are go-getters. We are the people who initiate things.

However, a trait I had that my father seems only to have in small amounts, is the ability to plan and execute efficiently.

My father can start a basic idea, like a business, or suggest a backyard garden. And he will take some steps to bring it about. Like print fliers and canvassing from door to door, or paying for chickens or the coop etc.

But after that he’ll run out of juice. His business was always very disorganized and he struggles to find consistent help for it. He made few improvements to it over time and then wondered why he lost so much of it with the recession and other issues.

Knowing what I do now, I could probably help him fix some of it, and I’ve made some suggestions, but he is reluctant to listen to me, a 26 year old who’s never owned a business.

My Dad is very good at marketing. Whatever parts of a job involve that, he’ll excel at. He also is good at acquiring some skills of the trade.

But polishing it, and knowing how to adapt to a changing audience and methodology is not his strong point. (I’m trying to illustrate how I think I diverged from this.)

From as far back as getting a dog, I remember taking over family projects. My parents talked about getting one, but my mom wouldn’t sit down and start looking into it till I pushed for it and got my father on my side.

This started long before my father recognized the power struggle in our family was coming down to between me and him.

His words, by the way.

He later, once I was a teenager, would say I was trying to turn my sisters against him. Which wasn’t even true because for many years I barely said anything about our issues to them because he didn’t like it and I didn’t think they were on my side anyway.

When I switched churches he made me promise not to influence either of them to leave his church. I didn’t outright tell them to, but they came to me of their own accord to say they don’t like it and wanted to leave and of course, I told them to do what they thought was right but I wouldn’t say 100% to leave (keeping my word.)

But they knew what I thought and they had already agreed with it for years, so once they were old enough, they left.

After my dad moved out my mom left it too. I wasn’t surprised, I knew she didn’t like it either.

The funny thing is my dad knew all of us didn’t like his church but had no issue forcing us all to go, and even when my mom had tried to find an alternative, he manipulated her into staying by having big emotional argument about everyone going to the same church as the man of the house, or he didn’t have proper authority.

I now think this is a stuipd argument. Though it’s best if everyone goes to the same church at least while you have young kids, I think a mature family can work through it if they have slightly different preferences. As long as everyone believes in the same basic things, I really don’t care if you prefer charismatic or traditional church style.

But I digress.

Since I left first,my dad blamed me, but really if he hadn’t forced me to go in the first place, it wouldn’t have happened. And for ages after I switched, he made constant digs about me “missing a great time” at his church. And if I ever had an issue with my church, he’d say “I wouldn’t go back” after that.

He visited I once (after he had a falling out with his pastor), and didn’t like it.

Anyway, the funny part is he left his church after COVID anyway, since he didn’t agree with the Pastor so way of handling it. I didn’t agree with my pastor fully either, but I thought it wasn’t any reason to leave. I had community there.

Does this paint a picture of how my father and I are different? Good.

And why am I bringing this up?

Well, it’s complicated, but the idea I’ve circled around in the last 6 years is that once my dad moved out, even before that maybe, I was pushed into the role of head of the family.

La patrona, as the Mexicans called it in the book.

My dad left a hole in our lives that felt like a vacuum. All the energy we sent avoiding pising him off now had no object.

To be honest, for the first year, we fought with each other a lot. We were addicted to the drama and we didn’t know how to function without it. I remember a lot of the fights now as pretty stupid ones but they seemed legitimate at the time because they were similar to the ones we had with him.

My mom had a hard time keeping it together, as she became the main provider for the family (though my dad did provide some support) and had three daughters who were emotional wrecks.

I handled it better at first and then months in my physical and mental health broke down. Thankfully, by then my other two sisters were a little more recovered and were able to support me through a darker time.

Then I climbed out of that, with help from God and friends and family, and began to build my new life with other my father in it.

But even in those times, I still very much seemed to fulfill the role of head of the family.

I pushed for more and more changes. Like I started to work on de-cluttering our house, implement new systems for homeschooling my youngest sister, finding ways to organize who did what around the house.

Not all of it stuck, but we made progress.

I don’t do it alone, my sisters certainly help and my mom still does most of the financial heavy lifting.

But leading the family is not the same as providing for it. I found out. I may not contribute as much money but when anything needs to be done, I tend to be the one to push for it.

Like getting our pets taken to the vet when they clearly need it. Didn’t happen till I pushed for it.

Adopting two new cats, I pushed for it till I got my way.

And just the other week I organized my family into cleaning and organizing our garage which has been needed since we moved in, honestly, but my Grandma would never do it. And couldn’t even do it, since she can’t lift heavy stuff anymore.

My mom’s talked about it, but admitted that she probably wouldn’t have thought it out the way I did.

I came up with a strategy, to take one section per day, clear it out, sweep, dust, disinfect, and the put stuff back in a more organized way and throw out what we didn’t need, or recycle it.

After the first two days I also designated spaces for stuff we were going to take to E-waste, or hazardous waste.

I enlisted my family to help based around when they were working, since I had the week off. It was mostly between me and my sister who doesn’t have a job yet, but my mom and other sister pitched in based on their schedules and we got the thing done in 6 days, taking one day off because we were so bushed.

If you could see what it looked like before, you’d be amazed 6 days was enough. And that included moving a lot of the furniture out of it, then back in in a different order, moving some heavy cabinets and shelves to a new spot and then clearing out every spider infested corner.

It’s not a pretty looking room now, but we can walk in it, which we barely could before, and we have a lot more open space, and will have even more after we have a yard sale and get rid of the hazardous waste.

I noticed something about myself while planning and overseeing this project.

One thing is that I didn’t do it the way my dad would have.

Sure, he would have pitched the idea and insisted we do it, he probably would have even helped…but I remember how it went when we moved and the same thing happened.

Stress, tears, and a lot of arguing. Also a lot of getting mad at us girls for not helping the way he wanted.

There was some arguing this time but only because my Grandmother didn’t want to get rid of literal trash or stuff she’d never even used (and she didn’t even buy it, it was left there by other people who lived in the house).

My grandma is a hoarder, unfortunately, so that I got her to agree to let go of any of it was a small wonder in of itself.

But I have learned something that my father never did, which was that if I pitch something a certain way, I get better results.

(At least if my father knows this, he only uses it in business. With personal stuff he just scares people into submission.)

But I don’t like to do that.

So I thought my Grandma would be more willing to get rid of the stuff if it was for a yard sale, which is going to raise money to cover my car expenses.

My grandma is a kind person who will help you out if she can, but she lacks imagination.

That being said, she’s willing to help us out but often had no clue where to begin. So, I came up with this idea.

Though, we did have some arguments ensue even so…but we worked around it.

It was a lesson for me too in what my family is best suited for. If I need someone to work fast and get rid of the most stuff, my mom is better. If I need someone to sort things out with details, my younger sister is better. If I need someone to just help me move things I can’t do by myself, my middle sister is best.

And they all admitted upfront that I was the only one with a clue how to organize everything, or a vision. My mom and my middle sister are both neat people (far more than I am, ironically) but they don’t have a lot of creativity when it comes to arranging stuff efficiently.

I’ve already made lot of changes around the house that maximized our space with very little effort, and they would never have done it, but they adapted to the new arrangement with gratitude.

Makes all our lives a bit easier.

But another thing I took over(to be honest, long before my dad moved out) was emotional health.

I am the first person to pick up on if anyone is not feeling well or is upset in my household. And usually the person who jumps to do anything to comfort them.

I remember I started helped my youngest sister deal with her nightmares or fear of the dark once my mom stopped doing anything about it.

I talk to my sisters about their dreams and problems, and my mom also. They don’t always listen to my advice, but I’m there.

I’ve never considered myself to be a very sympathetic person, it’s mostly been trial and error for me to learn how to help, but I know that if I don’t pick up on it, half the time, no one else will.

Right after my dad left, I was dealing with the emotional outbursts and mood swings almost every day because my mom was at work and I didn’t currently have a job…it was not fun.

But we got through it somehow.

Now I mediate stuff even between my dad and the rest of my family…Which is the crowning irony after he made it out like I was the one turning them against him.

Which he’s never apologized for saying or taken back, I doubt he remembers saying it now.

I think I started doing this stuff when I was a teenager, maybe younger, and once my dad left, it just became official.

And running all these projects, I’ve learned to compliment them and ask for their help respectfully, instead of doing what my dad did and bossing everyone around and berating them for not doing it fast enough.

I noticed a difference between myself and my dad when my sister was doing something that I didn’t really want her to do yet, and I said “I appreciate that you’re doing this, really, but right now I need this done faster because we have limited daylight.”

And she stopped and helped me, no issues.

And the funny thing is, I didn’t even really think of it as being a different way to handle it till I remembered that my father would never have said that to any of us.

I mean literally, never could I even imagine him using that approach. It would have been: “Come help me do this” at best and angrily saying “What are you doing that for? you’re supposed to be doing this” more often.

I also made sure they had breaks and tried to overlap so that someone could rest (including myself) and someone else tagged in.

Another thing my Dad never did. He once yelled at me for being lazy and told me to get off my “ass” (his words) when I was resting from moving stuff into our new house.

And that’s just one example.

But you know, I used to be way more like that. I used to talk to my family a lot like my dad did.

Till I realized that I sounded just like him, and I began to consciously choose to be kinder and more respect.

And I found that I really felt that way.

Doing the right thing actually felt pretty easy for me, because I’ve practiced the skills of guiding people more nicely and motivating them without threats.

I think that my family agreed with me that it needs to be done, but I’ve motivated them to do stuff they didn’t think about at first also, with the same method.

I felt weird about it at first though. Like, am I managing my own family? Is that really my job?

And I realized that parents do it all the time, but since I’m not a parent, I didn’t think of it in that light.

Of course, you may think it’s kind of sad that I, the oldest child, am in this role, instead of my mother, or my father.

And if I was honest, there are times I feel like I’m not getting fair treatment. Frankly, my emotional needs are often overlooked in my household because I’m the strongest personality. If I don’t spell it out for them, they will just not notice I’m upset.

But I notice even if they don’t tell me.

The price of being the most sensitive person is that you are usually giving out more than you’re getting in many situations.

There are things they do better than me. And more of. I do have shortcomings.

But it’s not want to say I kept the family together. I don’t think any of the rest of them would have or could have done what I did. Or still do.

To the point where I worry about moving out because I wonder who will take over. I hope that by then they’ll be more independent and it wont be as necessary. I know I can’t do this forever.

Some people would probably hate it. I don’t hate it. I like feeling like I can take care of people, and like I have an important role in the house.

I do resent it sometimes. I think all of us at times feel under appreciated and like we do more than we should have to.

And I dream of a day where I could live with someone who would want to put in as much as I do. I find it hard to picture. I know that my family is just not wired that way, thanks to years of abusive cycles.

We’re still way better than we used to be…but it may never be my ideal. I may have to start my own family to make that happen.

And it’s not that I expect perfection, (in case you’re getting that idea). I expect there will be tantrums and issues and fights even if I have my own family, I know my husband and I will not always agree.

But my wish is that it will be on my terms, that I can work out things without someone shutting me down or shutting me out, and that I can know we’ll at least have the same goal. Something I’m not sure of in my current household.

The one good thing about marriage is that you do get to pick your spouse, you can choose someone who has the same vision as you, you don’t get to choose your kids or anyone else in your family except them, so you need to choose wisely.

I think it will be good practice having run my current household.

The funny thing was, my dad always said from when I was a kid that Was the most mature one. More so than him. (Red flag by the way. A parent should never say that to a kid.)

I knew it was not true probably when I was 7 or 8…by the time I was 15 it was true. And by the time I was 20, it was saddeningly true. And now, it’s almost ridiculously true.

I’ve matured so much that I don’t really need my father anymore. I don’t mean this in a defiant way. I mean that I literally don’t need him. When we talk, there is nothing at all I feel like he can tell me or do for me, expect help out a little with money, that I can’t do better myself or find a better source for.

He seems like a small person in a way to me. I think love makes people seem larger when they do it well, but when they are selfish it makes them seem small, if you’re not under their control.

Since he lost his control of my life, I’ve flourished, though I’ve made mistakes and had dark days…but I’d never go back.

He was holding me back at 20, to be honest, and he’d really hold me back now.

That is not to say I’ve abandoned my father. I don’t plan to do that…but I know it’s never going to be the same…and I hope to goodness it’s never even close.

My family is aware of my position, but they really don’t like to acknowledge it. I think, in a way, it embarrassed them that so much got put on my shoulders. They don’t often thank me for it.

I’m hurt by this sometimes, but then I remember that it’s partly because the situation is so messed up that they find it hard to talk about. They’re glad I’m there, but if they try to face it, they fear it will crumble on them. Maybe sometime they’ll be ready to talk about it.

And I really don’t want constant affirmation about it, I find it awkward to think about too.

They have surprised me too, I’m not saying it’s one sided. But the power balance always has been in my favor

My dad became a self fulfilling prophecy. He also told me I was more mature then him, it’ll it became ture. He said I was trying to take care of the same from him, until he basically handed it to me by default.

I remember that he told me “you win” when he left.

I wan’t trying to win…but I was trying to protect my sisters and my mother from what I feared was going to be the same treatment I already got, or worse. It was turning into it before he left.

I played my dad masterfully to get him out of the house, and I didn’t even do it on purpose. I think God must have guided our actions, because we just went on blind instinct and it made our dad more and more angry till he exploded at my mom enough for us to point out to her how out of control the situation was.

I have to appreciate my mom for stepping up also. She’s not always been the perfect mom, but we certainly couldn’t have done it without her and she’s at least tried to change. Which is more than my father has.

I’ve learned that you get what you get, with your family. You can wish they were different, but to be honest, don’t you think they wish you were different too?

I know that my family finds me a little too driven and too pushy for comfort…and I try to rein it in, but I can’t always go with the flow either.

Family is just a balancing act, like most things. And I’m okay with that now, I wasn’t always.

So I’ve learned to accept things and not let them ruin my happiness.

I think I sound like a much older woman than I am, because of the responsibilities I had to take up…but you know, after I listen to my generation talking about how they feel like they have no purpose,and whine about every little hardship, and lack the basic skills to manage their own lives…I think I might have been Lucky.

Maybe God used all this to spare me from becoming someone with a victim mentality…which is the worst torture of all, though they don’t see it as such while they’re in it.

Sure, I would like to play the victim card sometimes, but…I know I shouldn’t. Society makes it easy for me to, but I try not to give in.

See, on this blog I can come to show only my good side, or I could do what many people do, and gripe about my flaws and struggles only, without ever balancing it out with my success.

I don’t think either extreme is really helpful to people or realistic. We all have our Ws, and our Ls. Our highs and our lows.

My story is unique, but that doesn’t mean other people can’t see themselves in it.

I don’t know how many people could do what I did, you’d have to have the circumstances line up the right way for it.

But you can generally do something, even if it’s small, to improve your life and take some control over it.

I find little changes lead to bigger ones.

And big changes often happen very fast and feel uncomfortable, till we get used to them.

My point in all this is that becoming the head of the family is the role that I grew into because of circumstances, and then in it, I found joy and the satisfaction of learning some of my own strengths, as well as weaknesses.

So whatever your thing is, your situation, your opportunity, I encourage you to make the most of it. Often the present is just a stepping stone to the future. Even if you don’t have the opportunities you want now, you may be able to get there if you use the ones you do have.

Cliche, I know, but some cliches are true.

Until next time, stay Honest– Natasha.