Mental Health

How to find purpose the hard way

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You know how sometimes you have those really deep conversations with friends about life?

Well, it doesn’t actually happen to me that often, but it did this last Sunday.

A friend of mine and my sister’s was telling us about her uncertainty about what she’s supposed to do going forward. Chase dreams? Pick the steady job she has a better shot of getting? Even if she doesn’t feel that passionate about it.

I’ve had the same questions. So has my sister. All of us could relate to the feeling that we’re not fulfilling our purpose. I’ve had it often.

I think most people in their 20s have that feeling, but from what I’ve heard, people in their 30s and 40s do also.

We all hold ourselves to this standard in our minds of what really matters, and what our lives should accomplish.

It’s admirable to want to do something good for the world, but I wonder if a lot of the time, it’s more of a wish not to be forgotten.

I used to obsess over this, but through prayer and self reflection, really mainly in the last year, I came to realize a few things about why I think about it so much.

While there is some genuine wish to please God, and help people, in there, I found a lot of this desire of mine was from frusteration.

See, I wasn’t happy with my life, so I blamed the lack of accomplishing anything big. As if accomplishing something big would magically make me feel happy and fulfilled.

Yet if we look at the classic hidden lives and mental health crash outs of famous people and philanthropists, it doesn’t seem like that formal fully works.

There is the rare do-gooder who is very happy and fulfilled, but most often, it’s because their goal was more specific than just doing something big and important.

I finally noticed, reading the stories of famous do gooders like Mother Teresa, or David Wilkerson, or Corrie Ten Boom, or even others like Frederick Douglas, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, any and all kinds of people. From Gandhi to Churchill, often the story really starts small.

None of these people really set out to do huge good things. Most of them just saw people around them who had a need, and they tried to help it. And that grew into something bigger.

Others of us, it never happens that way. Some people live out their lives helping only one person at a time. And in the eyes of the world, that’s a small thing.

Yet, one has to wonder, what really is the difference between changing one person’s life forever, and changing a thousand people’s lives? Except number.

Yet, if that one person you helped goes on to help millions of others, then you did help more.

It’s one reason teachers like teaching. We love to reach the individual and bring out their potential, and then see them use it to help way more people than we ever could.

It’s hard to quantify change. You could save one person’s life, and they could go on to save hundreds. Like the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” portrays so well.

As all this began sinking in, I noticed that I discount a lot of the things I’ve done to help people.

In my short life, I’ve always tried to reach out to people who were lonely, or in trouble.

Often, I never really knew whether it helped or not.

Once in highschool on a mission trip, a girl confided in me about some horrible things she’d undergone at home. I didn’t know how to help except to listen. Later after the trip, she asked to stay at my house overnight one time, and my family and I agreed.

She left my church not long after that, I don’t know what happened to her. I hope her life got better. I wished I could do more.

Another girl opened up to my sisters and I about her home life as well, and other things she struggled with. We listened, we didn’t judge, and we gave her the best advice we could but tried not to sound preachy.

Unfortunately, another leader reported what happens to CPS, without waiting to verify all the details, and things got worse instead of better. The family left the church, unsurprisingly. We lost touch with her, but we did run into her again a year or so ago, and she seemed to be doing better. We know at least she didn’t blame us for what happened, but life gets in the way sometimes.

When I was in college, I befriended a girl at my dance class for a short time, who had major issues. She was high every class, usually. Once I went to a party with her and some guys from the class. I didn’t like the party, and I left early, but she asked me to take her home and I did. I’m pretty sure she’d have been SA-ed that night if I hadn’t, she was already drunk and buzzed when I arrived, and she had no sense of self protection based on what I knew of her life.

I remember the guys from class, who maybe wouldn’t have been that bad, but there were other people there who I didn’t know about, later said I was a good person because I was willing to take her home. I figured a small inconvenience to me was better than leaving her in that situation. I didn’t really realize how few people do things like that, at least, how few people those guys must have known.

They were kind of creeps anyway. But they all left me alone after that. Maybe they knew where I stood, maybe they were ashamed. I’m not sure. Mostly, men don’t bother me who have poor intentions. They can read me better than that. (A few exceptions here and there).

I learned that what I considered basic decency came off as usual to people who weren’t raised the way I was. It doesn’t always take a lot to make an impression.

I’m glad as a Christian at least they didn’t think I was a hypocrite. I believe I scared them a little just by not engaging in party behavior.

But the girl in question kind of just used me and then once I wasn’t willing to just be used, she cut contact. I didn’t resent it though, because I knew she had deep problems and likely, she just had no clue how to maintain a healthy friendship. It wasn’t personal.

Other times, I’ve been burned and it did bother me. Mostly when people in church act that way.

This ties back into my talk with my friend, as she’s had similar experiences with people at church.

I wished I could pass on my experience to her in a way that would help her understand that it’s these choices, one after another, that add up.

I often find it frustrating that I never know the result of the things I do to help people. But I do remind myself, that the result is really only gratifying to me, it doesn’t really matter that much when it comes to deciding the right thing. Other than, we should learn from how effective something is.

I’ve tried to improve the lives of all the kids I’ve babysat for over years as my side job. I never really got to see results there either. I often bemoaned to God that it was so infuriating to care about these kids, often more than their own parents did, but be able to do nothing about it.

Still, I don’t really know for sure that I never made a difference. I still remember things my favorite teachers and babysitters did when I was a kid myself. Their kindness made an impression even when I didn’t always have a lot of conversations with them.

While talking to my friend about wanting to find purpose, I decided to try a new tactic other than just practical advice.

I began to ask her and my sister what they most valued in life. And what would they want God to say to them tomorrow if He could say anything?

[I found that an interesting question for myself also.]

They answered with things like sincerity, honesty, humility, intimacy with people.

I pointed out something interesting to them. That the goals they told me they had actually didn’t fully align with those values. They were separate from them.

I mean, you could have those things with those goals, but it wouldn’t be required.

I myself could see in my own values that actually some of mine reflect wanting bigger goals more, but others don’t.

One my biggest values is Justice, and it drives me crazy when people don’t uphold that standard. That leads me to pick fights that other people think is a waste of time. Which also drive me up the wall.

At times, yes, it’s okay to let stuff go, and I’m working on that, yet I think others let things go way too often when it would hurt other people besides just them to do so.

In fact, one thing that convinced my mom to kick my dad out was us showing her how much his actions were affecting us, not just her. She could block it out for herself, but hearing how desperate we were was a wake up call. All of us were so much better off once he was gone.

Honestly now my dad has improved his life a lot, but it never would have happened while he had us to blame for things instead of having to fix them himself. I still wouldn’t choose to live with him again, but I’m not hostile to him.

In the end, doing the hard thing improved all our lives.

It’s choices like that that really shape us. Not some obscure big goal we have.

The problem with big goals is that they are often out of reach during our current situation. It’s convenient because we can’t really be expected to do anything about them. They make us feel like good people because we wish for them, but we don’t have to do anything actually good.

I know so many people who say they would like to make the world better, but hide in their house every day and don’t like making friends or risking interacting with people.

People who would say they care about the homeless, but walk by people asking for money.

I’m not guiltless of doing this, but I try to give when I can, even if it’s a few dollars. It’s not because I think of myself as some saint, but because I was taught that little things are how we prepare for big things.

I told my friend that one thing God told me about being stuck in small jobs and places, was that “He who is faithful with little will be faithful with much.”

Also that “to him who has more will be given, but to him who has not, even what he has shall be taken away.”

We’re all stewards, I told her. What you have now isn’t what you want, but it’s the opportunities and place you have now. If you make the most of it, then God will give you more eventually when you’re ready. So if you feel like He’s telling you to wait now, that might be why.

Also, sometimes the opportunities that really lead to big things aren’t what we think.

My current job was a very non glamorous, ordinary small job. I can’t go into detail, but it’s put me in a very unique position to do something a lot bigger than I expected to do at it. It won’t be glamorous really, and I probably won’t get credit for it, but it will matter.

And it’s not a nice sitioant that I’m in, but it is a strageti one.

I never would have imaig this placeholder job would open up someitn liekt hit it me. I don’t really want it, but now that it’s happened, I see that God might have lined it up for me specinailanl, as just ofn instins Iv’ had since I took the job, whit no togth of it ending this way, somehow led to me being protected and prepared for what happened.d

[I may explain it more in another post when it’s less problematic to.]

What I didn’t tell my friend was that in my opinion, she’s not ready for the things she wants. She has good intentions, but I could see where she does still need to grow. I didn’t think I should say that, since life is already telling her that, and people don’t always needs us to be that brutally honest.

But hey, even if she got what she wanted now anyway, I’d stand by my advice.

The hard truth is big stuff is pretty stressful. Now that I’m dealing with a big thing, I’m only waiting for it to be over because it’s really a lot.

Yet, I see that I might be the only one willing to do it.

That’s honestly, I think, what real opportunity looks like.

It won’t be the flashy thing everyone wanted to get, probably. At least, not for most of us.

Most of us, the biggest thing we’ll achieve, will come in the form of a crisis that we’re handed, and we can choose to deal with the right or wrong way. It won’t look like an important goal when it happens, but at the other end, we may find it opened something up.

I hope that’s what happens with me. Still, even if it doesn’t, I know I need to do what’s right.

Funny, all my coworkers complain about the job, and I was the one who complained the least, but none of them that I know of tried to do anything about it.

I notice the same pattern in life. People who complain about wanting purpose, rarely are the ones trying to find it (some exceptions exist).

Viktor Frankl, the famous Auschwitz survivor who wrote “Man’s Search for Meaning” noted in the book that he found that men don’t need to know a grand purpose for their life nearly as much as they need to know the purpose of what they’re currently doing.

And if they don’t feel a purpose in it, they should move to find something else, or try to change their perspective, if they can’t change their situation.

I thought about this.

I think it’s really the same as Peter telling the church to do everything they do as to God. Or that famous quote about being a great street sweeper.

Or even as the movie “Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day” put it. “It ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it, that’s what gets results.”

Purpose is something you have to see in what you do already.

See, nothing really is meaningless, unless you don’t do it for a reason.

Acting like you’re brain damaged, and doing things on compulsion, that’s living without a purpose.

One thing I try to do, is no matter what I’m doing, I do it intentionally.

If I’m relaxing, I do it on purpose. If I’m working, I do it on purpose. If I’m writing, I do it on purpose.

When I confront someone, I do it intentionally, I don’t just rush into a fight usually. I used to, learned the hard way it didn’t work.

Well, I can’t say it always work out even now, but that’s more on them for not wanting to try than on me, I’m always willing to find a solution.

The rough part is realizing other people would much rather let a problem fester than fix it, if fixing it would require stepping outside their behavior patterns.

C’est la vie.

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who try to adapt themselves to a challenge, and those who find the biggest challenge is adapting themselves instead of trying to adapt others to fix their preferences.

Without exception the worst parents, teachers, and leaders I’ve known were in the second category.

The best ones were able to roll with the punches and find new solutions to issues.

And I’ve some to see it’s the same in every other area of life.

Finding your purpose, doing a good job, it’s all something you have to adapt to and do with intention.

I don’t mean you should chase after some vague goal to find your purpose. That’s not actually doing anything with what you have now. That’s the problem.

We all have tools. Heck, if you’re reading this, you at least have technology. There’s a lot you can do with what you’re holding in your hand. If you only use it to doom scroll, that’s on you.

I say this as someone who’s never had money, connections, fame, or a huge amount of charisma. I can’t claim to be popular with everyone or have the secret to winning anyone over. I can’t claim to be rich or influential to many people.

I can claim to have self respect and a sense of purpose in what I do.

I guess it’s up to my friends, students, and you if you think that’s more worth listening to than the big success stories.

I at least know my way works, for me, and for others too. That’s something.

That’s why I tell my Sunday School class, look at the people around you if you want to start serving God even as kids. It’s your siblings, your parents, your classmates, your friends who you can influence the most right now.

All of us might save someone’s life without even knowing it.

Here’s a couple things about myself I’ve learned from the many challenges I’ve dealt with:

  1. Where others take cover, I take action.
  2. When others stand aside, I stand up.
  3. Where others back off, I go for back up.
  4. When I see a problem, I find a solution.
  5. If I can help, I will.
  6. If it’s up to me to change, I would rather change than stay comfortable.
  7. When there’s nothing I can do, I try to find someone who can do something.

I mean some of these are similar to each other, but I think each thing sums up what is not the common attitude, and why that makes all the difference.

We all think we’re unique, but the real test of uniqueness is not in being quirky or creative or having taletns.

It’s what you do with that once the fire’s lit, and the die is cast, and your back’s up to the wall.

It’s when you’ll risk something to do something right.

That’s what makes you different.

Honestly, the world may not reward you for that.

Because, being rewarded by the world is not unique, it’s what everyone wants. Pursuing that won’t make you different.

Ignoring that makes you different.

Either we can conclude then, like the villain in Zootopia 2 “I don’t want to be different.”

Or we can be Judy Hopps and say that it matters more to care than to be safe or accepted.

[Can’t believe I just used a movie I don’t even like as an example. But I guess that proves I’m open minded.]

I will let you all in on a secret though.

God gives the people who will make that sacrifice the biggest tasks. Even if they seem small to us, they are the biggest ones to Him.

One has to remember that martyrdom is one of God’s highest honors, according the Bible, because it’s a rare person who can accept it.

Often, God also gives out the more flashy tasks to those people too.

I can’t pretend to predict God’s ways for any one individual, and I’m certainly not saying people shouldn’t try to achieve big goals.

I’m saying big builds off of small. So if you feel lost, start with what’s in front of you.

Like I told my friend, in church, we’re raised with those overnight success stories. God healed someone instantly, set them free of addiction in one minute, gave them money through a miraculous event, gave them a big charity in a few months.

The Bible has a bunch of miracles like that too.

So what’s wrong with us if we dont’ get that.

What gets overlooked in church often is that the Bible is also full of miracles that took up to 40, 50, or 80 years to happen. Sometimes longer.

Also that often big miracles only followed a series of small obedience steps. Even for Jesus.

And that the biggest miracles of all according to God, are saving people’s souls, which anyone can help with, even if they don’t see signs and wonders.

It’s harder to move a heart than to move a mountain.

And for every big Christian success story,there are probably hundreds more of people enduring things for a long time and doing things to fix it with God’s guidance, rather than getting the quick fix.

We just don’t like focusing on those stories, because it’s not easy.

That’s the point though. That’s normal life.

I for one prefer to think of it this way. I’d rather feel purposeful than empty.

That’s what I got for you today, folks.

See you next time, and stay honest– Natasha.

Insight from Customer Service

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Just here to drop this thought:

I’ve started working at an elderly living home, just in the dining room.

So far, it’s been going well, fingers crossed it stays that way. The residents like me, and my co-workers aren’t nightmares.

One thing I’ve realized, and this isn’t a new thought for m,e but it’s always reinforced by new experiences: People are the same.

Doesn’t matter how old you are, or how young.

People just want to be treated like they’re important, like they matter.

Elderly people are often crabby and unhappy… it can be annoying, but I can see why. They’re losing mobility, mental clarity, health… and friends and family.

It must be hard to be cheerful knowing that your usefulness in life is coming to a close, and much fewer people care about you when you’re not useful anymore.

I also work with children and youth often, and just last night I was having a conversation with some teens at my youth group.

I won’t go into the details, but they actually were listening to me, not because I was smart, but because I spoke to them like they were real people, like I could see theirs die, even though I didn’t always agree.

I personally hate getting written off as “too young” by people, though now that I’m getting close to 30, it won’t be a problem for much longer.

Yet, I’m mostly the same person I was at 15 that I am now, I’ve refined my style, and become more patient, more experienced with some things, but my values are the same, and so are my interests. My beliefs haven’t changed.

Essentially, I was who I was at 15, just as much as I would be at 30.

Things aren’t so complicated as we make them out to be.

I’ve never met any kid who totally changed as they aged, they might become more shy, or more bold, but part of who they are is always the same. They still wanted to be cared about.

My dad’s mom just passed away, and she was the same person, in many ways, at 90 that she was at 30.

When you work with people, you realize the key to service is caring about everyone, not to the point where you’re obsessed with people pleasing, but to see them as people with needs and wants and who could use a little more happiness in their day to day lives.

No matter who we are, we can provide that for someone else. It’s what makes the world run… All the cruel people who run our systems, and exploit everyone under them, they don’t hold the world up. They could never keep it going if not for the kind people who still go out of their way to do good.

Which is why every culture that eliminates good people collapses within 50 years. usually less.

The world will deny it, but, kind people are essential.

And if we treated each other like other people who have problems, just like we do in our own lives, and thought about that instead of brushing it off as unimportant when we’re in pain… well, we’d be a lot kinder.

It’s not a new thought. It’s not really a profound thought. It’s just true.

I can’t say anything new, as the quote goes, everything worth saying has been said (or something like that)

But I also think you can never hear (or read) this too many times. We all need the reminder everyday to focus on being kind and compassionate.

So that’s all I got today, folks, stay honest– Natasha.

What do I complain about the most? (More in depth)

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Daily writing prompt
What do you complain about the most?
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I try not to complain too much, but I have the usual things. Traffic, weather.

I have cut down on complaining by listening to stuff during traffic, so I don’t get as impatient. Sometimes when I’m in the groove, I’m almost sorry it’s over.

I think though, that my biggest complaints have been about people treating me in a belittling way, or like I’m wrong.

I have fairly good judgment (with some exceptions) and it annoys me to no end when people act like I’m not informed on something or not thinking about it the right way.

The car incident being the latest example of this.

Everybody said I was overthinking the problem. That it was fine. That it was just the car’s quirks.

Even the mechanic said that.

But they were wrong. And I almost listened to them.

Taking people’s advice is nothing I have a problem with. I ask for it all the time. But I always weigh the different advice I get against my own judgment and what sounds right. What feels right. Or what matches my faith.

I’m not really the type of Christian who takes the “It will all work out in the end even if we do nothing” approach to life. I don’t really think it’s a biblical approach, in most cases. Religion is not an excuse to be inactive.

I do recognize some things are out of my control.

But here’s one hard truth that not everyone is ready to hear:

Sometimes, you assume things are outside your control because you’ve grown up around people who just accept problems and never change them.

I realized the difference between myself and my parents over the last 6 years. Ever since my dad moved out.

I don’t complain about anything unless I intend to find a solution for it. If I accept it the way it is, there’s no point to complaining.

Grwoing up, neither o f my parents modeld that.

My dad complains about everything. Money, church, weather, his friends, his family.

Other than weather, all of those things are ones you can affect directly.

And I got real sick of hearing it even as an 11 year old, about when I realized it was kind of on him.

It was like, if you don’t like your relationship with your family so much, do something about it. Do something else to earn money.

He did eventually, but he complained for years before he finally came to that conclusion. I would have done it immediately. I know because I do it now as soon as I have a problem.

Churches can be changed (he did that too, still complains though, and he’s done it again even since he moved out, though he told us the church he was going to when he left was the best one).

And then all the either, little, petty things that he would get mad about.

The house being messy, but he never cleaned it, his areas were some of the most messy.

That type of thing.

Still, my dad is more proactive than my mom, and f I had to guess I get that trait from his side of the family more than hers.

With her, while she’s a nice lady, she doesn’t really fix problems. She just tries to work around them.

With my dad for one thing.

And with a lot of other stuff, she just takes the L.

Stressful work sitations.

Health issues.

I mean not always. We’re not totally out of touch. But it’s more often than not, basically.

If she talks about a problem, and I have a solution, she won’t usually do it unless I’m basically doing it myself.

I’m not sure if my compulsion to fix issues is because both my parents are inactive. I do know that it got on my nerves from when I was a pre-teen up till now.

I don’t want to be unfair to them. Mostly they are smart people who avoid getting into problems as it is, so they don’t usually need to get out of them.

It’s just that life can knock you down sometimes. And you have to find a way to get back up.

And with you can do it slow, or you can try to find a way to speed it up.

Many people are never taught to think that way, and they accept problems very passively, or with anger, but no real approach to solving them. Both my parents were taught that by their parents.

It’s a cycle.

I’ve noticed it in my sisters often too. The willingness not to change anything, even if they don’t like it.

Granted, I’ve gotten in trouble for jumping the gun and trying to change stuff. People don’t like to be told they’re wrong.

I’ve realized since this car issue started, that people also don’t like being told that you don’t need their help to fix it anymore.

See, when I help someone, I try to make sure they need it first. I don’t push them towards my solution past that point, usually. Im’ not perfect, I have don that.

But since I’ve been told off for it, I think I learned to think more careful about it.

I don’t like to bite people’s head off or tell them they aren’t really helping me. But sometimes I wish they’d pick up on my hints that I don’t really want them to tell me what to do.

I asked my middle sister if she was annoyed when people told her that, and she said it just doesn’t bother her the same way as me.

So I said. “That’s because I tell you what to do all the time, so you’re inoculated to it.”

And she said “yeah” without one second’s hesitation.

I guess the joke is on me there.

To be fair, my sister is the kind of person who forgets simple things so often you have to remind them a lot and procrastinator on taking action. She’s very good at working hard and she can do a job well, but that initiative that I have isn’t her thing.

Basically, I’ll try to improve any work environment I’m in in some way, whether I’m asked to or not. Been doing that since my first job–which makes a lot of people think I’m arrogant.

And maybe, sometimes, I can be. I suppose anyone can be who likes to put their own spin on things.

When I write, I often do it to improve on ideas I got from someone else.

There are whole careers you can make out of doing that, though. So I guess I’m not the only one.

Maybe I should become a life coach (lol).

Look, the point I’m making it sno tlen to brag on myself, though I think it praon sounds that way.

I never thought I was good at this stuff. It’s only because I’ve noticed that my decisions work out better consistently that I’ve learned I might be.

I didn’t always expect them to.

What I’m trying to say is that if you’re the type of person who is like that, who doubts yourself because other people seem to doubt you, you might want to consider if you have a good track record. Maybe you’re doing better than you think.

And then we won’t need to complain so much. Better to fix it than complain about it, I say.

Define “clutter”

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Daily writing prompt
Where can you reduce clutter in your life?
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Since I read “The Happiness Project” by Gretchin Rubin, I became a lot more aware of clutter in my house.

I’ve never been a “neat” person, and I’m still not, to be honest. Not how people would define it.

But I have started to eliminate stuff I don’t need, and to clean up after myself much more often.

I also implemented a lot of organization methods for areas of clutter for our whole family.

Like I purchased new laundry hampers so my sisters and I could divide ours up, since we share a room, and it used to all get mashed together.

I put organizing drawers in so I could collect old cards and books that I didn’t want to throw away, but don’t really need at all times.

And recently, I bought hanging shelves that you can put on doors, or nail to the wall. We have a small bathroom that 4 people have to share, and a small bedroom, and the shelves help free up our space a lot. I already can’t believe we ever didn’t have them. It’s so nice never to lose my hairbrush or face cream under the sink now.

Everyone agreed it was an improvement. The crazy thing is, we had the clutter for years, I’m not kidding, years, and did nothing about it.

I’ve come to realize how easy it is to improve your life , even with limited space, if you just get creative.

I’m sure this skill will come in handy if I ever have my own place.

My grandmother, my father, and my mother, all tend to hoard stuff and not throw it away. I inherited a tenancy to hang onto things long after they’re not useful anymore from them…I’m trying to change my habits.

But I think another way we could de-clutter is in our digital world.

I delete apps I don’t use anymore. (Which is better for your phone anyway).

I also have deleted YouTube channels that I never check, and ones that seem to stress me out too much to watch.

Keep my recommended feed full of what’s interesting or wholesome, right?

And I don’t use most social media, and what I do use, I tend to not have notifications on for unless it’s important, just so my phone isn’t clogged up with endless updates on stuff I’m not going to check anyway.

Face it, if we live in a first world country, we can’t get away from needing cell phones unless maybe you’re Amish (and you wouldn’t be reading this if you were). But we can control the phones more by making conscious choices about what we allow on them. I have limited games and other apps on mine.

I think clutter is more about what takes up mental energy than always about what you possess.

Some of us should cut back on reading trashy novels or comics. It’s okay to have some trashy stuff, but it shouldn’t be the only thing you read. It clutters up your mind with a lot of useless information that has no real world application.

It’s good to balance out any cheap or poor quality content you consume with content that helps you learn, or feel more encouraged to do what you need to do. Staying grounded isn’t just an exercise you can do with your 5 senses, it’s also something you can put into your mind.

We all have mindless stuff we like, but the more intentional we are about being aware of what goes into our minds and hearts, the less it will control us.

I find that I’m most often the most bogged down with random crap when I’m paying the least attention to what I consume.

(This works for food too.)

So yeah, that’s how I de-clutter–and I probably could stand to de-clutter some more right now. That’s the fun part, there’s always something else you could do.

People say they want to avoid work and chores, but I was so much more depressed when I didn’t work or do chores that I now think having at least a few tasks ever day or week that you need to get done is good for your mental health. Now if I don’t have one already, I’ll find one on purpose. It helps me not waste time being bored so much. Only so much media you can watch before you feel listless.

-Natasha

Don’t let people’s annoyance steal your joy.

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I was looking at a short video on YouTube last night which made me kind of sad.

In it, one of those r/reddit threads was asking people about something they’ve never forgotten being said to them, and the person told a story about how their husband said their singing was annoying.

This woman loved to sing, and after her husband said that, she said she no longer felt the same about it. It was her way of expressing joy.

Though he later apologized, she still felt bad.

The comment section was full of people sharing similar stories of how others crapped on their innocent fun and talents in the same way.

I have that story too, only it didn’t happen to me just once. My dad made fun of my singing for years, though it didn’t stop me from doing it (though it did stop me from doing it around him a lot.)

Once I even sang for his birthday party since my sisters weren’t willing to do it, though he wasn’t very happy with me doing it instead, and after he said I sang off key. No “thank you”, nothing.

My father was less than encouraging about my writing (doesn’t read this blog either, not for years,) and even encouraged my sisters to make fun of it. Thankfully, they stopped doing that and are now my biggest fans (and sometimes the only fans I have.)

I was hurt plenty of times by my dad’s comments, and my mom didn’t exactly say he was wrong.

Though I had a singing instructor who said I had a good voice, I didn’t really think so.

Now I can’t even tell. I like singing still, I like listening to myself if I’m not on recording, but on recording, I can’t tell if it’s good or not.

I often wish I could sing like my sister, who has a very good voice and musical talent.

But the funny thing is, she was encouraged in that by my father and other people, and me and my other sister even, while we were less encouraged.

And I’ve noticed that singing is harder when you feel less confident about it. Actually that was in some of the other stories in the thread too.

Pretty much everything is hard to do well when you feel insecure.

But singing made me happy.

Honestly, while I would like it if other people enjoyed listening to me, I would sing anyway, even if only while I was alone.

It was sad to me to read that so many people just gave up what they loved doing, just because of one mean comment.

It’s like we thing one other person is really the judge of our talents.

Newflash: Other people can be wrong, and often are wrong.

I mean name one famous singer who is liked by every single person. None of them are.

No famous artist appeals to every single person out there. Some philosophers used to think that’s what made art, art. The fact that it can’t always appeal to the masses.

What we find annoying also changes based on how tired we are, how stressed we are, and as us ladies know, our hormone levels.

I can be fine with something one day and another day and I want to scream if I hear it or see it.

I can even find singing and talking annoying sometimes, from other people.

But I do not do what my father used to do and bark “Quiet!” at them, just for existing. (He said that when we sneezed or coughed too, as if we could help that).

I do have moments when I say sharp things without a good reason, I won’t deny it. I think we all do. But thankfully, my family knows that I’m doing that in a moment of irritation and not because I find what they do annoying at all times. And they know that because I praise them for what they do also.

It’s fine to maybe not want to hear or do something at one particular moment, and if it won’t hurt the other person’s feelings, you can say “can we please be quiet for a bit?”

In a secure relationship, someone else can understand that you just need a break, and it’s not them, it’s just that you’re tired.

But if you say things thoughtlessly lie ” you’re annoying” Then it becomes about having a problem with them.

I’m sure my dad was told he was annoying all the time growing up, he’s said as mcuh (and he was, from all I hear). No doubt to him, it’s normal to snap at people like that.

But I don’t want to be that way.

I also think we need to grow a thicker skin. All of us are going to annoy people sometimes. And it’s good to be considerate of them.

The funny thing is my father was not the least bit considerate of me. When he played his music, he’d crank it up so loud it would make my head hurt. Even if I told him I already had a headache, he would just say “Too bad!”

Yeah, this is the same person who got mad at us for involuntarily sneezing.

You see my point? Some people are just nsaty.

You can’t let them kill your joy.

The fact is, what you’re doing may only be annoying to them because they are too easily annoyed. We all need to learn paitence.

It’s not like every feeling is valid (whatever they say now). I know that it’s irrational to find kids laughing annoying, especially if they’re outside, and not bothering me, but some people still find it annoying. But if I do, that’s a me problem. they’re not doing anything wrong. (I don’t actually find it annoying btw, it’s just an example.)

The feeling of annoyance is something that’s hard to control and inconsistent; and that’s why we shouldn’t let it master our words and actions. It’s not even worth it to complain half the time, I think.

In my mind, the only valid time to ask someone not to do something because it annoys you is if you’re feeling sick or you’re trying to focus or rest, and then it is inconsiderate of them.

Otherwise, they’re just living their lives, and you should let them.

And I apply that to my own actions too. I try not to get mad at people over dumb little things they don’t need to worry about.

Often, I just change my environment. Like, if I don’t want to listen to someone or something in the background, I put in my earbuds. We have so much technology now that can help us not be annoyed and then make us be nicer to people, but we still don’t always use it.

I chose not to listen to my dad, and to keep singing and keep writing.

And look at me now.

I’m not extremely successful as a writer maybe, but, I’m growing, I’m reaching an audience. I’m honing my skills.

And I may not be a famous singer, but I put it to use when I teach and my love of music works for me in other ways, like when I practice sign language.

I also recently had a karaokee themed birthday party, and while I didn’t sing the best (had a clogged throat from allergies), my friends said that it was still very fun.

And that’s the real point.

Not everyone is really good at something, but that’s no reason not to do it, if you like it.

I am not good at chess. I still played someone last week who I knew would beat me, because it’s fun, and I like to challenge myself (I like wining more, but, it’s good to play a game you know you’ll lose every so often, just to not get too arrogant.)

I’m not great at dancing, but I still dance.

Who cares?

If someone really needs to control your actions to that point, maybe they have the probelm.

That’s why I’m telling you all, if you dropped something that you used to love because of a mean comment, don’t.

Get back into it.

Don’t let people shame you out of doing what you really like.

I’m not saying to make a career out of it, though maybe you could. But some things we need to do just for the love of them, because money has a way of making even fun things feel like work.

That may be why God in His wisdom gives us all a penchant to enjoy doing things we aren’t good at, so that we won’t monetize everything we do.

If I ever make money from writing, I know it might take some of the fun out. And you know, I’m disciplined enough now to maybe be able to handle it, but, I’m glad I had so many years of doing it for only myself for only a few people. I got to really enjoy what I do.

Same thing with childcare really. I didn’t have to do it for a long time, but I voluntarily did it, and even though I do it for a living now (in a way), I’m still glad I didn’t for a long time.

So whatever people said to you, remember they don’t have the right to judge your entire life, or your interests.

Personally, I don’t do that to others. Even if I think they suck at what they do, it’s their life and it’s their right to do it. I don’t have to particopate in it if I think it’s bad, right?

(I’m talking just about quality, not morality, obviously, that’s a different conversation than this post is having).

Anyway, I hope this encourages someone. I felt like more people needed to hear this. Just do what you love.

Even if you’re doing it alone, or not paid, or people say you’re not good at it, do it anyway. Skill isn’t everything in life.

Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

My keys to Happiness

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Hello all,

I decided to do a more lighthearted post today.

As you may know, I’ve used part of this blog to post about my recovery process after living with an abusive father for most of my life.

While I may not have as many horror stories as some people (and I acknowledge that everyone is different) it was definitely enough to poison my happiness and my self confidence for many years.

I still live with some side effects of that, but, by and large, my life has vastly improved in the lats 6 years.

I was dealing with depression and anxiety for a while because of what happened (and because I had reoccurring issues with that growing up), but I’ve gotten much better, and I’ve never needed meds. (Some people might, but I felt it wasn’t for me.)

So I thought I’d blog about some of the changes I’ve made.

Keys to Happiness

A lot of people say happiness is fleeting. That it’s just an emotion.

What I’ve come to see from both my own life, and observing other people’s, as well as reading about it, is that it would be more accurate to say happiness is a continual process, not a point of arrival.

I remember during the period of my recovery where I could barely eat because of anxiety (something my mom and sister also went trhough, and I’ve since learned is a symptom of people who’ve been narcissistically abused) some things like songs and messages would help me get trhough the dark points.

One that caught my attention was “Theseus” by the OH Hellos (one of my favorite bands still).

“At the edges of my fingers, never quite closing around it, that peace like a river always going, never getting.

Seems like maybe it’s not all that much a place, as it is a way, and ways don’t ever seem to want to stay too still, too long.”

[Theseus– The Oh Hellos]

I realized after hearing this song that the Bible describes Peace and love and joy as the paths of righteousness, and it always describes goodness as a “way” you walk.

Many major religions or even small ones, describe peace as a state you arrive at at the end of a journey But the Christian religion suggests that peace and joy are things you “practice.” You do them. You build up spiritual muscles to them. Paul even calls it “spiritual exercise” in his letter to Timothy.

I had a paradigm shift gradually after this point. I heard other people teach on the same subject around that time, I’ve always noticed that when I’m learning about a new concept, God throws other sermons and books and people into my path who echo it.

Happiness, and joy, if you prefer the deeper word, are both things you walk in. You make daily, weekly, monthly choices that make you more likely to feel happy.

1. Food

For me, nutrition was a big part of that. It was hard, but I ahd to choose to eat even when I felt sick or had low appetitet or was stressed out.

I never used to do that, and then I’d feel worse because I have a very fsat metabolism and skping evne one meal is enoght to amke me lightheaded and nasuoous. But when i eat regualra, I tend to feel much better.

I was put on a path of findi out how my body works, after suffering for several months with symspt like gaggin and acid reflux because it got so out of hand.

And over time, I learned to eat as a discipline even when I didn’t feel like it, and avoid the symptoms (for the most part) that not eating was giving me.

The weird part was I realized I had had those symptoms my entire life, since childhood, but had always avoided eating as a way to handle them.

I learned things I could do, like use anti-acids, or tea, or protein, to offset the symptoms when they started so I didn’t get to the point where I felt like throwing up.

And I’ve had problems like that since I was a kid.

I also learned to drink things with electrolytes instead of just water or to eat stuff with high sugar when I most felt like I was dropping, because it replenishes faster. And I suddenly stopped feeling sick all the time with allergies and sinus issues like I always did before. I never realized that dehydration was one of the main reasons I felt sick.

And that led me to find out that cold compresses, heating pads, and using aloe vera to help with inflammation, and using nasal spray and eye drops to help with it in hard to reach areas, could also alleviate a lot of the discomfort I felt when I had allergy attacks (which I do frequently).

My health issues have not disappeared now, and some things I did need to seek more help for, like getting a chiropractor for my spine misalignment (which also caused nausea and poor digestion)–but the point is, the entire process began because of what I experienced form trauma leading me to learn different ways of doing things.

I’m not saying that all health problems can be fixed this way, but almost all of them can be made less difficult to deal with by making lifestyle changes. And some can be cured, it depends on the problem. If I had known as a kid what I know now, I’d have missed out on a lot less activities because I felt sick or weak and didn’t want to do them. I might not have done as poorly at jobs that I felt sluggish at because I didn’t eat, never realizing that that was the reason I felt so sick.

And I wouldn’t have felt as depressed, because I realized that low blood sugar was a huge cause of it.

It’s a cycle. You’re stressed so you don’t eat, but then not eating makes you more stressed. But I had to break that cycle step by step. It was never a thing I arrived at. I’m still learning about what works for me 6 years later, but, I am a lot better now than I was then.

And that was just one physical aspect of it. But as C. S. Lewis pointed out in the Screwtape Letters, our body affects our spirits. If we treat our body poorly, we tend to treat our spirit poorly. If our body is weak, our spirit will be weak to fight off dark thoughts.

Probably 90% of depressed kids now are not getting proper nutrition, and not enough sunlight, which also has vitamins you need for your body.

We medicate them, but that just puts more chemicals into your body that are not even really good for it, because they suppress emotions, they don’t balance them, and often they don’t work very well. Even if you feel less sad, you feel less period.

Again for some people, it might work, but a lot of people don’t find it helpful, and often are not told what would most help them is different food habits and different lifestyle habits.

2. Exercising more

True confession: I really only started this one recently.

I did notice that some dancing and walking made me feel better even years ago when I started this journey, but, to be honest, I didn’t make it a regular thing enough to reap the benefits.

I’m not the best at exercising on a schedule now, with work and other things going on, but I still try to frequently work out and walk and get in the sunlight, most importantly.

Even an 20-30 minute walk can make you feel a lot better and get you some needed Vitamin D.

But even more if you sweat, sweat is a good stress reliever.

I started my exercise program for myself during my break from school/work because I realized that when I had things to accomplish, I felt less down and had more energy. I also set myself chores every week so I would feel like I was doing something worthwhile. But I’d say out of the two, exercise helped improve my mood the most and my energy.

Also I felt more like doing chores after I worked out, strange to say. Because it got the blood and endorphins glowing, which makes you feel more productive. Go figure. And you wonder how house wives and farmers wives used to get so much done in one week. It was because they had to do it every day so they were really fit and that made them more motivated (also because they actually expected their children to help them, but that’s a subject for another time). Also they took Sunday completely off, while most of us cram it with just as many activities as week days because it’s our free time.

That leads to my next point.

3. Taking Earned breaks

I would never tell people that work, work, work is the only cure to being depressed or anxious.

It helps a lot. Tests on rats have shown that a cushy lifestyle makes you more depressed and more anxious and more aggressive, not less so. All that energy you’d normally use to survive has to go somewhere. We’re no different. (The rich people who are the most happy have hobbies that are very active, and always have, it’s a fantasy of TV shows that rich people don’t do anything all day except get waited on.)

There’s nothing wrong with resting and relaxing. I can find it hard to really relax, especially when I have the most high anxiety.

Sometimes doing stuff is the best way to keep your mind off it.

But then you can swing back, like I do sometimes, and try to do too much, creating more things to be anxious about.

I sometimes rush into stuff as a way to feel more important or productive in life. I have to be reminded over and over again that your value is not determined by what you di for people and for the Lord, but by what you are and how you love (more on that later).

I need rest too. But I found it easier to rest when I actually worked first. Just lazing around on the couch all day doesn’t feel like rest because you never worked. Or taking Saturday or Sunday off doesn’t feel like rest, if you didn’t work all week.

But if you’re active, then rest is sweeter.

I’ve told my family since I Started my 35 hour a week job (more than I ever worked before in my life, though less than some people), that I realized I need to either take Saturday or Sunday to do pretty much nothing, and it depends on which week was which. Even if that means skipping Church, because that can be a stressful thing to get ready for and drive to, and it’s still exhausting for me. Especially if I’m serving in a ministry that day.

So sometimes I skip it, and rest. And I choose to stay home if I’m not feeling too good instead of powering through it, unless I have no choice.

And if Saturday is free, then I can go on Sunday, but at least one day needs to be a stay at home, don’t do anything difficult, day. Not that I do absolutely nothing, but I do light stuff that won’t physically or mentally strain me.

And the bible lays this out too. Work 6 days, rest on the 7th. I’ve found it doesn’t really matter which day it is, as long as I have one day per week. And it seems like one is enough. Two is nice, when I can, but one at least helps me have the mental fortitude to go back to work. When I don’t do that, the looming work week just feels so overwhelming, I dread it.

I enjoy work, when it’s challenging and I have things to contribute, but I also enjoy rest. They need to be in balance. I’m not the first to point this out, or the last, I’m just telling you that it really works.

And I’m only 26. I’m still at the age where you can push yourself too far and get away with it, but, I really find I can’t do that, even now. Maybe I’ll be better off for it when I’m older.

4. Doing things for other people and just keeping a kind attitude towards them

Gretchen Rubin, author of the “Happiness Project” (which inspired some of the changes I made to my life that I’m writing about, but also I found some of them before I read it a year and half ago, and she just confirmed I was on the right track) wrote that one of her life mottos is:

“There is only love.”

Meaning, I think, that at the end of the day, you really have nothing else to bring satisfaction except what you love, and choose to invest in. Especially if they are people.

And love isn’t always about doing things, though that is a big part of it.

But Corrie Ten Boom wrote how when her mother, who was a very loving person, could no longer do things for people after having a stroke, she still showed her love for them. Corrie wrote that “love is bigger than the walls that shut it in.”

Love is something we do with our souls, not just our bodies, though we should use them if we can.

Maybe you’ve seen this in a small smile a stranger might give you that still has kindness and good will in it. Or just a gesture that would seem meaningless usually but it’s done to help someone else out. Or the lack of a gesture, which sometimes says more.

A lot of us have no clue where to start with small acts of kindness, or we just don’t priortize it.

Also we have different definitions of kindness.

C. S. Lewis wrote that men think that unselfishness is not making people need to do things for you, and that women think that unselfishness is doing things to help other people.

And the difference of that is often what causes fights.

I think he’s right about men and women but I think there’s more overlap. I know ladies who never ask for help and think that makes them unselfish, but they also never offer to help you. And I know men who offer to help you a lot but then can end up making it more difficult for you by accident. And we need to do some things ourselves to feel competent and capable.

Some men think they need to stay out of the way of men, but do things for women. Which yes, by and large, I agree with. But there are nuances. Same with how women treat men.

And a lot of us never really try to figure this out.

The idea of “do no harm” is a popular way to define unselfishness now. But I don’t think it’s complete.

The bible definitely teaches that doing good is a key part of love, and even that it’s the more important part. Not doing anything is okay at times, but, only at times.

But in general, the more people who help, the easier something will be.

And often learning to accept help is a big struggle of ours. I’ve had to learn to do this too. I do not like asking for help. I actually noticed that it was making things more stiff between me and my co-worker though, that I never shared difficulties or questions about what we were doing with them.

I think people act helpless too often when they really aren’t, so I try to avoid acting that way (never let them see you sweat and all) but it can be a turn off. In this day and age people think that teamwork and being open about struggle is more important that just being able to do something alone. That was more Gen X and before’s mindset.

I find that usually I really can solve the problem myself, but asking for help makes people feel more connected with my contributions, and helps them to see I am doing things, so I’ve started to do it more. I still don’t like it, but, I’ll do it for the sake of morale.

And that’s a big part of love, I think. You don’t always like it but you make allowances for what other people need and like.

Not everything is about you.

The more I’ve put effort into doing things that I think will make others happy, the better I feel about myself and my life.

I’ve always wanted to have an impact on the world.

And while I don’t always feel that I contribute something really big, I try not to live small.

My current job is just coordinating tests for the Special Ed kids at a highschool. Basically, I sit in a room, waiting for them to come in, and hand out the tests and then collect them afterward.

I go over rules about it with them, answer questions about it if I can, or contact the teachers if I can’t. I also have to watch for cheating (an ongoing problem) and for kids getting distracted. Basically the person that kids don’t like the most, usually, on staff because they are only there to make sure they don’t do anything bad.

I love kids and hate the public school system so the job was ironic for me in many ways, but it was what I could get and it had a much better salary than my previous job, so I took it as a blessing. And it gives me a lot of time to write (I’m sitting in my “office” classroom right now writing this post, and checking every so often on the kids).

But I resolved that I would do my best to make my job work for me.

I made sure to start learning the kid’s names right off, it took a few weeks but I got most of them down. So I could actually treat them like people and not just people I had to watch.

I made it a point to say “have a good day” every time they left, and “Hello” and “Good morning” when they came in.

I bought extra things like pencil sharpeners, earplugs, and highlighters that I did get provided by the school (they give me some things, but not everything I wanted) so that I could have whatever they needed with me.

Some of them said the room was so bland it was stressing them out (and I had to agree, it was very boring). So I bought a bunch of posters that had nature scenes on them (some that looked like windows so the room looked bigger), and one with a phoenix on it that says “Grades Will rise from the Ashes” under it. (I made that part myself, my family said it was a good idea, and the kids did like it, so I guess they were right.)

I hung up some fake leaves on the back peg board and put fake flowers on my desk/table to brighten it up.

I also memorize the classes the kids are in for the most part so I could get them the tests faster.

I often make jokes or some wry comment to make it seem more like I’m human and not just some scary person. But I am firm when I need to be. When they don’t give me trouble, I don’t give them trouble, that’s my motto.

I’ve made the kids laugh with some of my jokes, so I guess it works out.

Yes, I have problems sometimes with them, but that’s teenagers, and people in general. Communication and attitudes are not always constantly good, but overall, we get along fine and they say they’re pretty comfortable coming to the room and testing here and that I make it more bearable, though they don’t enjoy the testing part much.

But I, at least, am not part of the bad experience, and that was my goal. I can’t make school less boring or annoying maybe, but I can not be part of the soul sucking experience of it. (And hey it’s not a bad school…I just know it’s stressful no matter how good your school is.)

I also try to be nice to my co-workers, and compliment them, and joke, and be cooperative as much as I can be.

This was all basic stuff, stuff anyone should do…and yet, a lot of people don’t do it.

And it helps me, not just them. By treating the kids and adults like people, I feel less bored and less lonely sitting here all day than I would otherwise. We may not be friends, but we’re like neighbors, in a sense. Not close but not hostile, we live in the same vicinity so we get along for the greater good.

Often, school and work can feel like a warzone to people who hate their job. And I could hate my job, if I wanted to focus on the negative parts.

But I don’t. I want to love what I do.

And while I don’t have any passion for testing students or enforcing rules I often think are dumb, I do have it for makinh people’s lives more enjoyable and if I can do that even at school, then, I will.

And in that way, I am living my dream even when it’s not really my dream job. But jobs come and go, really. How you look at them is the only thing you can control about your worklife.

5. Cut back on negativity

Short and simple. I indulged in reading a lot of angsty stories and listen to dark music while I was going through the effects of trauma after my father left.

It felt kind of good, and maybe there is a place for it, but finally I realized that it was encouraging me to dwell on the more dark parts of my life too much. I would get dragged back down to the same discouragement and depression as I felt before.

Especially when I was going through the time when I felt like dying would be better than living, reading about suicidal people just made me feel more hopeless.

I know a lot of people who do this, they gorge themselves on dark media and stories and say they enjoy the angst.

But it’s not good for you.

In moderation, a dark story isn’t unhealthy maybe, but if you read only that–I swear people take pride in it.

One person online told me that they just aren’t interested in a story if the happy character in it isn’t suffering abuse.

. . .

I wanted to ask them if they’d sought counseling for that issue.

Yes, as an author , I enjoy some drama, makes the story more fun to read. And yes, I write some darker stuff, because that’s life.

But I never write a happy character specifically to torture them with abuse and sadness. I have never written anything that was primarily an angst story.

Yes, it’s fun to make a character experience emotions they don’t usually, but it has to be done right, balanced and realistic. People just write with no sense of balance about it sometimes and indulge in it because pity can feel good,in a sick way.

Sometimes it can feel good to hurt people’s feelings, if you’re the type to get comfort out of making others share your own pain. (And all of us are sometimes, aren’t we?)

[Sometimes– Skillet]

But it’s not wise.

It’s also not wise to watch only political stuff that frustrates you about either side. And I have done that too. I had to cut back, it was making me hate the world too much.

Or videos about how stupid one gender is (am I calling you out yet?). Sure, I have problems with men, and with women. But the more I watch of people just complaining about them, either side, the more I think that the real problem is that. No one wants to take accountability for their part in it.

It’s gross. It’s easy to get hooked on, but it’s still gross. And it’s bad for you too.

Soon all you see is negativity.

The irony is, in my real life, plenty of people aren’t like that, and are nice, upstanding people. So if my view of the world is influenced more by people I don’t even know, online, that by people I do know irl…ins’t that a problem?

Sure some of us only know jerks…but you are what you attract, in that case, I say. We all think that we’re not also a jerk, but…if you are surrounded by them, clearly they think you’re one of them.

The point is, don’t put negativity around you if you don’t want to feel that way (preaching to myself here),

7. Get out and try new things

Another simple one, but sometimes motivating myself to go out and do anything when I don’t have to is hard.

But making friends and inviting them to do things I haven’t before, has proven to be a lot of fun. And helped me get closer to people who I’m not used to hanging out with.

I don’t have a expect opinion on the right way to do it, but I find even putting in effort, whether or not it was a success, has changed how I view myself.

I feel like a more confident person after I try stuff a little different than what I usually do.

(I recently tried karaoke for the first time. I’m not the best singer, but it was a blast anyway. The important thing is, it was new and fun).

Learning more about yourself is a good way to feel more at peace with the world, I’ve noticed.

I don’t really believe in all that self actualization stuff, but I do believe that you should find out what you like, and be comfortable with who you are.

Conclusion:

Of course, for me, all of this comes from Above.

I prayed about what to do to help myself feel better, and I believe God directed me to try all those things.

I’m still learning.

I’ve also gained a lot of perspective on my life. I am on better terms with my father, though I doubt we’ll ever be close. I’m even on better terms with the people I got along with before, but we feel closer now. Without all the unspoken tension in our house.

All in all, my life got way better, despite how difficult those dark times were.

And I learned a lot about what makes me the most happy and satisfied.

But maybe the most important part of this is you have to see waht happened as having a purpose.

The author of “Man’s Search for Meaning”, Viktor Frankl, who survived a Nazi prison camp, wrote of doing therapy with people using meaning and purpose. It was very successful, because he found that people can bear suffering more when they think there was a reason for it.

People will make up reasons, if they don’t have one provided.

The Bible has a more nuanced approach. It teaches that not all suffering happens because we deserve it, or even because God wants it to happen to us, but that it just happens, because there is evil in the world.

But, that if we give even the senseless things that happen to us to God, He will give them meaning. He will redeem that suffering.

So even if God didn’t want everything that happened to happen, He will fix it anyway.

And I found that comforting. I can’t quite reconcile the idea of the senseless violence and cruelty in the world with God’s will enough to think that everything was meant to be that way.

But I can reconcile the idea that God will heal it, even if He will not (or cannot, maybe in a sense), prevent all of it.

We can be upset that bad stuff happens period, but, that won’t stop it from happening. And people who use the idea that “nothing we do matters” as comfort, might as well not be alive at all (and many of them soon no longer are because they take that to its natural conclusion.)

The only real way to rise above pain is to accept it’s not always deserved, and it’s not always your fault, and it’s also not always not your fault. You have to take each thing as it comes and decide what to do.

Pain should not change who we are, only sharpen it.

This was not easy for me to practice, but, when I chose to, it was because I felt that the worst pain of all would be if the suffering made me not who I wanted to be. That idea was worse than the idea of more pain, and more suffering.

Because at the end of the day, we are what we have, always, to work with. Everything else changes, except God, I believe.

That was my rock.

Whether everyone will accept that or not, I don’t know, and it’s not really my responsibility if they do, but, for me, that was the motivation for trying to find ways to climb out of the pit.

And I did.

There’s more trouble ahead, no doubt, but I think I know better how to deal with it now.

And Gretchen Rubin said the same. She was learning how to be happy so that she could weather future difficulties more easily and more resiliently, because she built up those habits.

I agree.

I hope you found this post interesting or helpful.

Thanks for reading, and stay honest– Natasha.