purpose

How to find purpose the hard way

/ toseealife / Leave a comment

You know how sometimes you have those really deep conversations with friends about life?

Well, it doesn’t actually happen to me that often, but it did this last Sunday.

A friend of mine and my sister’s was telling us about her uncertainty about what she’s supposed to do going forward. Chase dreams? Pick the steady job she has a better shot of getting? Even if she doesn’t feel that passionate about it.

I’ve had the same questions. So has my sister. All of us could relate to the feeling that we’re not fulfilling our purpose. I’ve had it often.

I think most people in their 20s have that feeling, but from what I’ve heard, people in their 30s and 40s do also.

We all hold ourselves to this standard in our minds of what really matters, and what our lives should accomplish.

It’s admirable to want to do something good for the world, but I wonder if a lot of the time, it’s more of a wish not to be forgotten.

I used to obsess over this, but through prayer and self reflection, really mainly in the last year, I came to realize a few things about why I think about it so much.

While there is some genuine wish to please God, and help people, in there, I found a lot of this desire of mine was from frusteration.

See, I wasn’t happy with my life, so I blamed the lack of accomplishing anything big. As if accomplishing something big would magically make me feel happy and fulfilled.

Yet if we look at the classic hidden lives and mental health crash outs of famous people and philanthropists, it doesn’t seem like that formal fully works.

There is the rare do-gooder who is very happy and fulfilled, but most often, it’s because their goal was more specific than just doing something big and important.

I finally noticed, reading the stories of famous do gooders like Mother Teresa, or David Wilkerson, or Corrie Ten Boom, or even others like Frederick Douglas, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, any and all kinds of people. From Gandhi to Churchill, often the story really starts small.

None of these people really set out to do huge good things. Most of them just saw people around them who had a need, and they tried to help it. And that grew into something bigger.

Others of us, it never happens that way. Some people live out their lives helping only one person at a time. And in the eyes of the world, that’s a small thing.

Yet, one has to wonder, what really is the difference between changing one person’s life forever, and changing a thousand people’s lives? Except number.

Yet, if that one person you helped goes on to help millions of others, then you did help more.

It’s one reason teachers like teaching. We love to reach the individual and bring out their potential, and then see them use it to help way more people than we ever could.

It’s hard to quantify change. You could save one person’s life, and they could go on to save hundreds. Like the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” portrays so well.

As all this began sinking in, I noticed that I discount a lot of the things I’ve done to help people.

In my short life, I’ve always tried to reach out to people who were lonely, or in trouble.

Often, I never really knew whether it helped or not.

Once in highschool on a mission trip, a girl confided in me about some horrible things she’d undergone at home. I didn’t know how to help except to listen. Later after the trip, she asked to stay at my house overnight one time, and my family and I agreed.

She left my church not long after that, I don’t know what happened to her. I hope her life got better. I wished I could do more.

Another girl opened up to my sisters and I about her home life as well, and other things she struggled with. We listened, we didn’t judge, and we gave her the best advice we could but tried not to sound preachy.

Unfortunately, another leader reported what happens to CPS, without waiting to verify all the details, and things got worse instead of better. The family left the church, unsurprisingly. We lost touch with her, but we did run into her again a year or so ago, and she seemed to be doing better. We know at least she didn’t blame us for what happened, but life gets in the way sometimes.

When I was in college, I befriended a girl at my dance class for a short time, who had major issues. She was high every class, usually. Once I went to a party with her and some guys from the class. I didn’t like the party, and I left early, but she asked me to take her home and I did. I’m pretty sure she’d have been SA-ed that night if I hadn’t, she was already drunk and buzzed when I arrived, and she had no sense of self protection based on what I knew of her life.

I remember the guys from class, who maybe wouldn’t have been that bad, but there were other people there who I didn’t know about, later said I was a good person because I was willing to take her home. I figured a small inconvenience to me was better than leaving her in that situation. I didn’t really realize how few people do things like that, at least, how few people those guys must have known.

They were kind of creeps anyway. But they all left me alone after that. Maybe they knew where I stood, maybe they were ashamed. I’m not sure. Mostly, men don’t bother me who have poor intentions. They can read me better than that. (A few exceptions here and there).

I learned that what I considered basic decency came off as usual to people who weren’t raised the way I was. It doesn’t always take a lot to make an impression.

I’m glad as a Christian at least they didn’t think I was a hypocrite. I believe I scared them a little just by not engaging in party behavior.

But the girl in question kind of just used me and then once I wasn’t willing to just be used, she cut contact. I didn’t resent it though, because I knew she had deep problems and likely, she just had no clue how to maintain a healthy friendship. It wasn’t personal.

Other times, I’ve been burned and it did bother me. Mostly when people in church act that way.

This ties back into my talk with my friend, as she’s had similar experiences with people at church.

I wished I could pass on my experience to her in a way that would help her understand that it’s these choices, one after another, that add up.

I often find it frustrating that I never know the result of the things I do to help people. But I do remind myself, that the result is really only gratifying to me, it doesn’t really matter that much when it comes to deciding the right thing. Other than, we should learn from how effective something is.

I’ve tried to improve the lives of all the kids I’ve babysat for over years as my side job. I never really got to see results there either. I often bemoaned to God that it was so infuriating to care about these kids, often more than their own parents did, but be able to do nothing about it.

Still, I don’t really know for sure that I never made a difference. I still remember things my favorite teachers and babysitters did when I was a kid myself. Their kindness made an impression even when I didn’t always have a lot of conversations with them.

While talking to my friend about wanting to find purpose, I decided to try a new tactic other than just practical advice.

I began to ask her and my sister what they most valued in life. And what would they want God to say to them tomorrow if He could say anything?

[I found that an interesting question for myself also.]

They answered with things like sincerity, honesty, humility, intimacy with people.

I pointed out something interesting to them. That the goals they told me they had actually didn’t fully align with those values. They were separate from them.

I mean, you could have those things with those goals, but it wouldn’t be required.

I myself could see in my own values that actually some of mine reflect wanting bigger goals more, but others don’t.

One my biggest values is Justice, and it drives me crazy when people don’t uphold that standard. That leads me to pick fights that other people think is a waste of time. Which also drive me up the wall.

At times, yes, it’s okay to let stuff go, and I’m working on that, yet I think others let things go way too often when it would hurt other people besides just them to do so.

In fact, one thing that convinced my mom to kick my dad out was us showing her how much his actions were affecting us, not just her. She could block it out for herself, but hearing how desperate we were was a wake up call. All of us were so much better off once he was gone.

Honestly now my dad has improved his life a lot, but it never would have happened while he had us to blame for things instead of having to fix them himself. I still wouldn’t choose to live with him again, but I’m not hostile to him.

In the end, doing the hard thing improved all our lives.

It’s choices like that that really shape us. Not some obscure big goal we have.

The problem with big goals is that they are often out of reach during our current situation. It’s convenient because we can’t really be expected to do anything about them. They make us feel like good people because we wish for them, but we don’t have to do anything actually good.

I know so many people who say they would like to make the world better, but hide in their house every day and don’t like making friends or risking interacting with people.

People who would say they care about the homeless, but walk by people asking for money.

I’m not guiltless of doing this, but I try to give when I can, even if it’s a few dollars. It’s not because I think of myself as some saint, but because I was taught that little things are how we prepare for big things.

I told my friend that one thing God told me about being stuck in small jobs and places, was that “He who is faithful with little will be faithful with much.”

Also that “to him who has more will be given, but to him who has not, even what he has shall be taken away.”

We’re all stewards, I told her. What you have now isn’t what you want, but it’s the opportunities and place you have now. If you make the most of it, then God will give you more eventually when you’re ready. So if you feel like He’s telling you to wait now, that might be why.

Also, sometimes the opportunities that really lead to big things aren’t what we think.

My current job was a very non glamorous, ordinary small job. I can’t go into detail, but it’s put me in a very unique position to do something a lot bigger than I expected to do at it. It won’t be glamorous really, and I probably won’t get credit for it, but it will matter.

And it’s not a nice sitioant that I’m in, but it is a strageti one.

I never would have imaig this placeholder job would open up someitn liekt hit it me. I don’t really want it, but now that it’s happened, I see that God might have lined it up for me specinailanl, as just ofn instins Iv’ had since I took the job, whit no togth of it ending this way, somehow led to me being protected and prepared for what happened.d

[I may explain it more in another post when it’s less problematic to.]

What I didn’t tell my friend was that in my opinion, she’s not ready for the things she wants. She has good intentions, but I could see where she does still need to grow. I didn’t think I should say that, since life is already telling her that, and people don’t always needs us to be that brutally honest.

But hey, even if she got what she wanted now anyway, I’d stand by my advice.

The hard truth is big stuff is pretty stressful. Now that I’m dealing with a big thing, I’m only waiting for it to be over because it’s really a lot.

Yet, I see that I might be the only one willing to do it.

That’s honestly, I think, what real opportunity looks like.

It won’t be the flashy thing everyone wanted to get, probably. At least, not for most of us.

Most of us, the biggest thing we’ll achieve, will come in the form of a crisis that we’re handed, and we can choose to deal with the right or wrong way. It won’t look like an important goal when it happens, but at the other end, we may find it opened something up.

I hope that’s what happens with me. Still, even if it doesn’t, I know I need to do what’s right.

Funny, all my coworkers complain about the job, and I was the one who complained the least, but none of them that I know of tried to do anything about it.

I notice the same pattern in life. People who complain about wanting purpose, rarely are the ones trying to find it (some exceptions exist).

Viktor Frankl, the famous Auschwitz survivor who wrote “Man’s Search for Meaning” noted in the book that he found that men don’t need to know a grand purpose for their life nearly as much as they need to know the purpose of what they’re currently doing.

And if they don’t feel a purpose in it, they should move to find something else, or try to change their perspective, if they can’t change their situation.

I thought about this.

I think it’s really the same as Peter telling the church to do everything they do as to God. Or that famous quote about being a great street sweeper.

Or even as the movie “Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day” put it. “It ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it, that’s what gets results.”

Purpose is something you have to see in what you do already.

See, nothing really is meaningless, unless you don’t do it for a reason.

Acting like you’re brain damaged, and doing things on compulsion, that’s living without a purpose.

One thing I try to do, is no matter what I’m doing, I do it intentionally.

If I’m relaxing, I do it on purpose. If I’m working, I do it on purpose. If I’m writing, I do it on purpose.

When I confront someone, I do it intentionally, I don’t just rush into a fight usually. I used to, learned the hard way it didn’t work.

Well, I can’t say it always work out even now, but that’s more on them for not wanting to try than on me, I’m always willing to find a solution.

The rough part is realizing other people would much rather let a problem fester than fix it, if fixing it would require stepping outside their behavior patterns.

C’est la vie.

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who try to adapt themselves to a challenge, and those who find the biggest challenge is adapting themselves instead of trying to adapt others to fix their preferences.

Without exception the worst parents, teachers, and leaders I’ve known were in the second category.

The best ones were able to roll with the punches and find new solutions to issues.

And I’ve some to see it’s the same in every other area of life.

Finding your purpose, doing a good job, it’s all something you have to adapt to and do with intention.

I don’t mean you should chase after some vague goal to find your purpose. That’s not actually doing anything with what you have now. That’s the problem.

We all have tools. Heck, if you’re reading this, you at least have technology. There’s a lot you can do with what you’re holding in your hand. If you only use it to doom scroll, that’s on you.

I say this as someone who’s never had money, connections, fame, or a huge amount of charisma. I can’t claim to be popular with everyone or have the secret to winning anyone over. I can’t claim to be rich or influential to many people.

I can claim to have self respect and a sense of purpose in what I do.

I guess it’s up to my friends, students, and you if you think that’s more worth listening to than the big success stories.

I at least know my way works, for me, and for others too. That’s something.

That’s why I tell my Sunday School class, look at the people around you if you want to start serving God even as kids. It’s your siblings, your parents, your classmates, your friends who you can influence the most right now.

All of us might save someone’s life without even knowing it.

Here’s a couple things about myself I’ve learned from the many challenges I’ve dealt with:

  1. Where others take cover, I take action.
  2. When others stand aside, I stand up.
  3. Where others back off, I go for back up.
  4. When I see a problem, I find a solution.
  5. If I can help, I will.
  6. If it’s up to me to change, I would rather change than stay comfortable.
  7. When there’s nothing I can do, I try to find someone who can do something.

I mean some of these are similar to each other, but I think each thing sums up what is not the common attitude, and why that makes all the difference.

We all think we’re unique, but the real test of uniqueness is not in being quirky or creative or having taletns.

It’s what you do with that once the fire’s lit, and the die is cast, and your back’s up to the wall.

It’s when you’ll risk something to do something right.

That’s what makes you different.

Honestly, the world may not reward you for that.

Because, being rewarded by the world is not unique, it’s what everyone wants. Pursuing that won’t make you different.

Ignoring that makes you different.

Either we can conclude then, like the villain in Zootopia 2 “I don’t want to be different.”

Or we can be Judy Hopps and say that it matters more to care than to be safe or accepted.

[Can’t believe I just used a movie I don’t even like as an example. But I guess that proves I’m open minded.]

I will let you all in on a secret though.

God gives the people who will make that sacrifice the biggest tasks. Even if they seem small to us, they are the biggest ones to Him.

One has to remember that martyrdom is one of God’s highest honors, according the Bible, because it’s a rare person who can accept it.

Often, God also gives out the more flashy tasks to those people too.

I can’t pretend to predict God’s ways for any one individual, and I’m certainly not saying people shouldn’t try to achieve big goals.

I’m saying big builds off of small. So if you feel lost, start with what’s in front of you.

Like I told my friend, in church, we’re raised with those overnight success stories. God healed someone instantly, set them free of addiction in one minute, gave them money through a miraculous event, gave them a big charity in a few months.

The Bible has a bunch of miracles like that too.

So what’s wrong with us if we dont’ get that.

What gets overlooked in church often is that the Bible is also full of miracles that took up to 40, 50, or 80 years to happen. Sometimes longer.

Also that often big miracles only followed a series of small obedience steps. Even for Jesus.

And that the biggest miracles of all according to God, are saving people’s souls, which anyone can help with, even if they don’t see signs and wonders.

It’s harder to move a heart than to move a mountain.

And for every big Christian success story,there are probably hundreds more of people enduring things for a long time and doing things to fix it with God’s guidance, rather than getting the quick fix.

We just don’t like focusing on those stories, because it’s not easy.

That’s the point though. That’s normal life.

I for one prefer to think of it this way. I’d rather feel purposeful than empty.

That’s what I got for you today, folks.

See you next time, and stay honest– Natasha.

Practical Advice for the young Christian

/ toseealife / Leave a comment

(This post actually will work for non-Christians also, common sense is common sense.)

Hello all, today I’m writing about something because I’ve noticed a growing need for it in the modern Western church–and also, just everywhere.

Anyone notice the distinct lack of common sense advice?

I mean…not just common sense itself in younger people. I think that’s really exaggerated by the older generation to be worse than it is. But…where is the real advice?

Just on my personal experience asking for counsel from older people, I can count the amount of times it was helpful on one hand. The amount of times people give me some over spiritulized bull crap are endless.

And it’s not just me. Now that I’m an adult myself and have been doing ministry with kids and youth for many years, (and I noticed this white I was still young enough to be a student in those ministries too), I’ve noticed that kids are really crying out, literally in some cases, for some real life advice.

My generation (Zillenials and under) is really starved for direction. We’ve been pushed so many different ways, and the older generation has abandoned us by and large.

My father literally abandoned me, emotionally speaking, as a pre-teen.

And I don’t mean I just felt sad, I mean he literally told me he didn’t want to parent me anymore…multiple times.

Didn’t stop him from lecturing me about stuff at didn’t matter that much, but there you go.

But my personal issues aside, I feel like the older generation as a whole has just taken the same approach with everyone my age. Not just in America either, I think it’s all over the first world now.

And us being alone has led to us raise our own kids in a very overly permissive way. Some of these millennial parent videos are truly terrifying.

However…I mean…can you blame them for being lost? Most people’s current idea of childcare comes from these college psych classes. And not only is psych constantly being changed by the “experts”, it’s also a lot of bull crap for the most part when it comes to child rearing, based on what I’ve seen taught versus what I know actually works in real life.

There’s some good advice out there, but nothing beats practical experience or hearing it right from the people who raised you. And that’s what we’re missing now.

But in fairness to tho older generations, we did stop listening to them, also. There’s blame on both sides.

But assigning blame is not really my focus today, I’m just pointing out the problem.

Because of the generational divide, I’ve seen many well meaning people in their 40s and up try to give advice to us “kids” and it not go very well.

I mean, it’s not that kids are offended by it, it just doesn’t address their real issue.

Case in point, a couple days ago I was at a youth group where I volunteer interpret for one deaf student sometimes, and a different student asked a question about knowing who is and is not authentic in life and relationships.

I could tell the kid meant that he wanted to know how to spot this even outside of church activities, because honestly, people put on their best behavior at church.

The leader giving the message, who was in his 50s or 60s, answered something about how to tell at church, I can’t even really remember it now because it didn’t really make a lot of sense.

The kid was nodding but I could tell he didn’t really get the answer he wanted.

So I raised my hand and said “I agree with (insert leader’s name) but maybe you were wondering more about practical ways outside of church?”

And the kid nodded gratefully.

To which I gave him my two best tips for knowing a person’s real character:

  1. See how they treat their family.
  2. See how they handle conflict.

Both of these methods have never failed me to sort out who is trustworthy. But of course, you need time to get a chance to witness both those things.

Which is why I never assume I can trust someone after meeting them only a few times.

Also growing up with a narcissistic/BPD person, I know how much people can turn it on if they have someone to impress.

Anyway, I think the kid appreciated it.

I also talk to my Sunday School class of 4th-5th graders in a very similar way. I tell them often that even though their kids they deal with real life stuff the same way as adults do and I’m aware of that. So they need me to give them real talk.

Not harshly, of course, you still have to be sensitive to the fact that they are kids, but kids know the difference between real and harsh. They’re very good at that.

So, it’s good to be aware of this before anyone tries to take my advice and use it as a reason to “lecture” kids about the harsh realities of life.

Beleive me, any child who’s been exposed to the internet already knows life is hard. That is not what I’m suggesting we tell them.

What they want now is answers. What do we do about it?

Too much content for young people now is just telling them it’s a hopeless mess.

Like that’s really what we need to hear.

I can’t even watch wholesome content now without finding comments under it debunking it, because bitter people love to spread it around. “Misery loves company” is the old saying.

So, what do we do?

Those of us who have at least somewhat started to navigate our lives successful need to spot the BS to other people about it.

Frankly, Jan, I’m not really interested in you telling me “It’s all because of God’s goodness.”

Look, I do absolutely believe in God’s goodness. I know that God answers prayers…but if I’m asking you for advice on how to get what you got in life, I don’t want to hear that it’s all God’s goodness.

Because, that doesn’t help. God is good to everyone…but He does expect us to do work for ourselves. That’s in the Bible, FYI. Check out Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and James. And most of the rest of the New Testament.

Here’s a fun little story to illustrate:

Jesus once was asked by the religious leaders why his disciples picked food from the wheat fields on the sabbath, because they were hungry.

He defended their right to do this, and called out the leaders for their self righteous attitude.

But interesting to note that Jesus also was able to feed 5,000 people with a few loaves of bread. So, couldn’t he have just made food for them?

But often the Gospels mention the Disciples arguing over food or needing to get food from other people. So…

Jesus probably also worked as a carpenter at least for a some of his adult life before he started ministry, since it was what was done.

The point of this story is that Jesus supported practical solutions, and working for things, not just expecting everything to get handed to you.

And that was the son of God.

So, we can assume that this goes even more for all of us.

It’s funny how people born in the Church and out of it, often act like God should do even for us.

Uh, hello, who made the world? Who made the things in it that we use to survive? Who gave us life?

God did give us everything, but He would like us to be able to use it ourselves.

How many parents would like to buy clothes for their kid and still have to dress them when they’re 10 years old? Some would, but most of us would agree at a certain point, you expect someone to use what you give them without your help.

Granted, God still has to direct our lives even so, but we need to at latest try to take steps.

I’m currently looking for a new job (not because I was laid off but because I feel like it’s time for a chance), and I may not find one as soon as I want, or explain what I want, but, I believe in at least trying to learn what’s out there and prepare for it.

I think God will decide why I actually end up doing, but I’ve tried sitting and doing nothing before…didn’t work. God only rewarded me when I started trying to improve my skills.

See whining about it didn’t get me anything with God, and I think He even told me as much at times when I would pray. Or maybe, I just knew deep down already.

And if I’ve learned one thing in the last 2 years, it’s that wisdom is often practical, more than spiritual.

I actually believe there’s really no difference. I think the fact that we make spiritual things sound weird and watery is just proof we really don’t understand them. The Bible portrayed them as quite real and subject to rules and oddities as much as material things tend to be. More so even.

I can’t cover every situation here in one post, but I think I can give a few more examples of areas we need real advice in. And if anyone wants to comment further on it, I’d love to read it.

So I mentioned relations already.

Another question young people often have is:

“When should I start dating?”

And I’m probably not the best person to answer this because I’ve barely been on internet dates which didn’t go so well.

I mean, you should start by finding someone who wants to date you.

If you already have that, you’re ahead of me.

But I have seen myself grow in maturity over the years and I do have a better idea than I did what makes someone ready to date. And I wasn’t ready before.

I think I’m ready currently, but maybe the man isn’t…stuff like that can happen.

Anyway, pro tip for this, young people (and older people really) is to check your motives and check how you handle responsibility.

There is no one size fits all to dating, or love. People get together at all levels of maturity.

Which is probably the best advice anyone could give you. Don’t assume what works for everyone else will work for you.

However, you should seek out people’s stories that are similar to yours, because that is more likely to help you.

For me, I find the stories of people who waited a long time to date often hold more wisdom that applies to my life. Such as the best use of your time as a single person, trying to find fulfillment in friendship and in God, and not making your whole identity about being single.

Which is good advice even for people already dating too.

Also, not settling for someone mediocre.

However, high standards should be worthile.

Me, as a woman, I don’t create really about height. I really don’t get why so many girls obsess over it. I doubt as many really do as media implies.

I also think money is sort of a mid-range thing to care about. It does matter, and a man should be willing to work hard, but if you want a guy who’s not obsessed with money and who will pay attention to you, you have to figure he may not be as well off and you may not be able to afford as many things.

This is the kind of thing that I think helps the most with deciding who you’d be good with. Ask yourself what you really want in life, and if it would really make you happy. Often it’s not what we think.

Also watch out for wanting traits in someone that would only make your life easier, not necessarily better.

This actually goes more for men, I think. I’ve seen so many guys who really have no clue what they want in a woman other than someone who’d be nice to them.

And gentlemen…nice is not always the best thing.

But neither is putting up with a woman who bullies you just be she’s hot or because you figure you can’t get better (same for girls, but I feel like we’re less likely to do this nowadays.)

Honestly, being bullied is just another way of taking the easy way out. Easier to let a woman (or man) push you around than to stand up for yourself and grow as a person enough to maybe make her angry.

Strong minded women actually hate this in a man, and in other women, but will exploit it, human nature is like that.

I think a woman should be respectful to a man…not because I have some weird idea of submission in the sense of not having any personal rights as a woman, but because I think everyone should be respected. Why is that so hard to get across nowadays?

One thing I make sure not to do is talk down about men to them, or behind their backs, unless it’s to my family who I know wont repeat it. Sure, we need to blow off steam sometimes, but even then I’m not tearing the guys apart, just willing to discuss things that I find awkward or uncomfortable, or that I like about them.

But just bashing on men is not something I do, and I don’t do it with women either. I feel like if I wouldn’t want them to do it to me, I shouldn’t do it to them.

Honestly, even if I know someone talked about me behind my back, I don’t do the same to them, because who knows if I will end up being the one held accountable for it and they won’t. Sure, that’s not fair, but why would I take the chance?

This is another good practical tip, by the way, boys and girls. Don’t trash talk anyone you know to anyone else they know if you don’t want it to get back to them. It almost always will.

I do utilize finding out which people gossip about me as a way to know never to tell them anything about me, or rely on them, but, not to get revenge. That’s just smart, I think.

Don’t leave yourself wide open for people to punch, but don’t start a fight either.

All right, I think I have time for a few more common situations where people want practical advice, and then I’ll have to continue this in a different post.

Another example from real life is a young man asked me and my sister about how to handle his relationship with God changing after getting married and working more.

He was a newer christian and he said he didn’t feel it as much as he used to.

Apparently, no one told him this was normal.

The first passion for anything dies, eventually.

It’s like when I start a new book. I always enjoy the being a lot, and then about the middle I get burnout…but I usually finish strong. That’s how life is, the middle part tends to be the most boring. (I mean, of anything you do, not of your life itself.)

My sister and I told him practical things to do about it.

For one thing, being married is a lot like for us with sharing space with so many people. Even if you love them, you’ll get tired of each other.

So it’s important to give each other space to be alone.

And me, honestly, as the one who wants to spend the most time together out of my whole family of introverted people, kind of gets why it can be hard on the more energetic person to give space.

My sisters learned to accommodate my wishes to spend time together by having set times we could devote to stuff I like doing, and I learned to accommodate them by giving them warning in advance of when I want to do that stuff so they can mentally prepare. It doesn’t always work like a charm, but it works for us.

So this is the kind of thing we told this guy. That and that as long as he’s still serving God and spending time in the word, and praying, he should not worry if it’s not as easy as it used to be.

And if you are a new Christian reading this by any chance, it will happen to you too. But don’t worry. All of us go through it, and it passes. Usually, you get close to God at the end of it, if you just stick it out.

When I was a new Christian, it helped me to see the dullness and blandness as just part of the fight to stay close to God. That was my present cross to bear.

And as a Christian of over 10 years now, I think I even prefer it this way. Emotional highs exhaust me, I’m not a naturally emotional person. I have feelings, but they tend to be trigger by certain things only. I don’t just go from emotion to emotion all day like some people I know.

But hey, my father is highly emotional and I wouldn’t want to be him, it seems miserable to me.

Some people can be highly emotional and still be happy, but I think it makes it harder to exert self control, so maybe I’m happier the way I am now. To each their own. It’s fine to be either way, but don’t assume that because you’re less emotional, you’re less passionate about your faith.

Or that you don’t love people in your life. Love is action and prioritizing someone, even if you don’t feel like it.

I’m remind of Leonard and Penny from the Big Bang Theory. I think they’re toxic most of the time, but one thing you can say is that they don’t stay in the infatuation phase, but they keep working on their relationship after that point. Even to where they ask Sheldon to make them a relationship hip agreement so they can improve.

While I find the show stupid in many ways, I do think the writers were onto something with that idea. Love is about deciding what you give and take in a relationship, and doing it without being demanding or whiny or domineering. And if it is one-sided, you decide if you’re in it for the long haul.

I can’t go into every aspect of relationships here, just touching on a few things I’ve heard asked about a lot. We’d be here for years if I tried to tackle everything, which I’m not qualified to do anyway.

Let’s see…what else could I cover?

Oh yeah, here’s a good one.

How do you know your purpose?

My life group actually talked about this in the last week, but I didn’t feel like it really answered the question well.

We were focusing on talents.

Let me tell you all the hard truth.

Your talents do not always guide you to your purpose.

Now, many times, they do. But not always in a way you recognize as such.

I ended up doing work I didn’t expect to be good at because I assumed my talents were elsewhere, and I found out I have more talents than I expected, but honestly, my success is me just knowing how to use my talents to make anything I do work for me.

There will be some jobs I won’t be able to do, even using that method, but it does open up a lot of possibilities for me, because I don’t limit myself just on my obvious talents.

Like I’m good at drama and writing, and public speaking. I’m also good at remembering stuff.

I was not good at organizing things as a kid or teen.

But I’ve gotten better it because I used my skills at learning to pick it up bit by bit, and I used my talents as a people person to get other people on board.

See, talents point you to certain careers that seem obvious, but often you don’t realize that they can work in other areas of life, just in a different way.

You’ll see that with ministry too. Often people are good at a variety of things and don’t think they’ll fit a ministry, but then it works for them because they do it their way.

So when it comes to finding your purpose, I’d say, don’t do what many people do and wait for it to hit you one day.

There is no one foolproof way to find fyour purpose. All I know is that God gives it to us, in His own time.

“In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

For some of us, God gives us what we want. If we commit it to him, or, even if we don’t. He’s not a cruel God.

For others, God keeps us very closely dependent on Him, and we have many twists and turns.

I think that for each of us, it comes down to both on our wisdom to let God lead, and what God thinks will suit each of us.

[Let Mercy Lead– Rich Mullins]

Even if you don’t acknowledge God, you probably can agree that the same path doesn’t work for all people.

That said, there are some things you can do to get ready for your purpose:

If you do have talent, develop it. Either privately or professionally. It can’t hurt to get good at it. Usually there is some use for it even if your career ends up elsewhere.

Don’t be afraid to try different things even if you don’t think they’re your destiny. The skills you learn in one place often can help you in another place.

Like how babysitting helped me prepare for dealing with customers, because no one can be as rude to you as a spoiled child can.

Even if you do what I did, and pick bad jobs at first because you don’t know better, it will teach you what to avoid in the future.

I recommend you try to start working as soon as you can. Even if it’s volunteer (you can use that on your resume, if you don’t say it was volunteer.)

And, learn how to interview. A lot of Youtube channel and websites now post ways to sound better in an interview and how to answer tough questions. I’m sure the corporate world will update their method soon because too many people are going to take advantage of it, but the skill of learning to asses a situation and talk the right way should still helping you even if the game changes, because the point is you are learning to adapt.

Also I find that learning how to talk professionally helped me in other areas of my life, not just work. It gave me more self respect.

Another thing: do things around the house and volunteer.

The best cure for feeling like you have no purpose is give into someone else’s life. Donate clothes, clean up something, serve at a soup kitchen, get involved in your church outreach.

This also cures depression in many cases. I felt much less depressed when I became more active in other people’s lives. I now am not depressed at all.

If you have high anxiety, I encourage you to just do the stuff anyway. Anxiety only gets better when you face your fears and it starts feeling less new to you.

Also, while anti-anxiety techniques did help me somewhat, finding other tasks to focus on did way more to cure my negative thoughts than breathing exercises and grounding did. They can help but I think they’re better when used with other distractions.

I also say avoid medication unless it’s completely necessary and you’ve tried other methods first. I was pressured to take meds for my issues but I ended up not needing them, and if I’d taken them, it would have caused other problems that would have been worse probably than my anxiety and depression were.

Also, and this is important, do not use marijuana.

I swear, everyone I know who vapes or smokes is a mess emotionally and has a disorganized life, because honestly, it weakens your brain.

Most of the people I know who are getting off those substances are doing better since they did and feeling more in control of their lives.

It’s a quick fix that doesn’t really fix anything.

You may think this has nothing to do with finding your purpose, but it does.

Stuff that steals your joy, or even your anger, or sadness, often steals your ability to be satisfied by what you do also. Striving to feel nothing, or to feel mellow all the time, cuts off growing success.

We shouldn’t be struggling just to stay average, we should be thriving. That’s why I’m against quick fix methods. They seem easier but they really steal your whole ability to get past the problem at all.

Another method for finding your purpose is being willing to take an interest in other people. Learn about many different things. Talk to people about what they do. Who knows, you might find something you like.

But all in all, I think it’s good advice to not worry about it so much. I think we find our purpose when we stop focusing on it and ourselves and start focusing on making the lives of the people around us better.

All right, I think that’s all I got for now.

It was fun tackling some big questions but there are lots more I could cover.

If you want to leave ideas down below, I’d love to hear what other people are worrying and wondering about besides me and my own social circle.

I kind of feel like this is all survival skills for life that I’m picking up as I go. Though maybe once upon a time, most people knew this. The digital age made us lose ourselves so much. Le sigh.

Anyway, until next time, stay honest–Natasha.