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That’s hard to answer…

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Daily writing prompt
Can you share a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?
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This might sound kind of weird, but, I don’t know that I’ve ever “felt loved”.

I mean at least not by a person.

I am a Christian, and I have experienced God’s love. I think most skeptics would doubt that’s a real feeling. And since I can’t prove to them that it is, I don’t know if that counts for them.

I think there is a psychological reason for why I don’t feel human love.

I recognize love, in my mind. But there are walls up that block it from reaching my emotions.

Growing up with an emotional manipulative and abusive father, it’s not rocket science.

For my father, saying “I love you” was usually only a thing that happened when he was berating me.

It was pretty twisted in a way.

“We’re doing this because we love you, Natasha.”

And what they were doing was berating me for everything I ever did around them.

If you want the full story of how this started, keep reading. Otherwise that was my TLDR explanation.

Let me explain:

I was told I was rebellious. Even though I hardly ever broke a rule in my entire life. I’m not kidding, I barely even broke bedtime rules. I like limits and boundaries, they make me feel more balanced. I wasn’t the type to unravel them without a good reason.

But yes when I decided something wasn’t good for me or helping me anymore, I would protest it.

So when I decided I wasn’t enjoying drum lessons anymore, I said I wanted to quit. That’s where it all started.

Photo by abednego ago on Pexels.com

This was after a year long of taking them, which my father agreed on as a trial period. When I brought up to him that I didn’t want to anymore, he said “Oh you’re not gonna quit.”

Mind you, I hadn’t ever actually used the drum in a real performance, or any performance. And the only time I even tried to play along with my dad and his friends, they criticized it because it was too loud…you know, because you learn drums to play a quiet instrument.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

Since I saw no purpose whatsoever in learning it anymore, I was miffed at my dad breaking his agreement with me.

After thinking about it, I pointed that out to him, respectfully enough, I thought. And he said fine, I could quite.

But that wasn’t the end of it.

He talked to his best friend and the friend’s wife, as well as my mom, about me wanting to quit, like it was one big crime.

I couldn’t understand why they cared so much. Since I wasn’t using the drum for anything, what did it matter?

But it turned into a whining session where his friend aired some other grievances about me that I had no idea he had.

Apparent’y, I made some joke during one of his music lesson with one of my sisters. Just about tomato sauce. That was it. I didn’t even really direct it at him, just made a joke about the ingredients in tomato sauce. He was deeply offended.

Now, as an adult who has taught a class, I completely could understand why he might have been annoyed that I interjected while he was teaching.

However, as an adult who teaches 10-11 year olds, I would expect that behavior from that age group, without it really being malicious. And I was only 12 at the time of this conversation.

A 12 year old interrupting to make a joke isn’t , in my mind, a big deal. If it happened to me, I would have simply given the kid a warning, explained why it was disrespectful, and left it at that. If they didn’t do it again, I wouldn’t even tell the parents because who the heck really cares that much?

Apparently, my dad’s best friend.

Now he never said a word to me about this, oddly enough, nor did he ask my mom to talk to me about it delicately.

I didn’t hear about it till this big confrontation with 4 adults, all of whom told me I was a brat, disrespectful, and not nice to other people.

At the time, I also took singing lessons from this best friend’s wife.

She didn’t like me much because I couldn’t stand still while I sang. And I got tired easily. Also I didn’t like the music choices that she insisted on. She didn’t ever teach us any songs we actually got to pick, and when I asked if we could learn any songs I actually knew and liked, she said no because they were pop songs.

I guess it was her right as a teacher not to teach it if she didn’t like it, but she really shouldn’t have expected me to be interested in learning if it was all music I didn’t care about. I’m pretty sure music teachers in actual public school pick at least some songs the kids like.

I found out years later that the reason I can’t stand up easily is I have uneven legs, so I tilt to one side when I stand (good think my name isn’t Eileen), and I have a more curved spine than usual and a curved tailbone, making it hard to stand straight for long periods of time. I have gotten a bit better with some chiropractic treatment and exercises to improve my core, but it’s never been easy for me to move the same as other people, and it probably never will be unless the problem is resolved. Which is unlikely.

So she got mad at me for something I couldn’t help. and I told her and my mom that I just got tired and didn’t feel right standing.

The crazy thing is, you can sing sitting down. It wouldn’t have been a big deal. Sure it’s better to stand,but I wasn’t going to be doing any Broadway musical, it would have been fine for me to sit while learning. She sat while teaching me.

Even moving around, which was still easier for me than standing because I could at least shift balance, she wouldn’t allow.

I suppose, maybe it’s not her fault that she didn’t know I had a real problem and just thought I wasn’t listening to her. But the issue is, she never even considered any alternative explanation other than I was trying to be defiant.

Well, to be fair, after she got on my nerves with this crap for weeks on end, I was trying to be defiant. But it didn’t start off that way. If sh’e d been nice to me, I wouldn’t have wanted to act out. But she did all this from the start, when I wasn’t trying to do anything to set her off.

I know, not the most mature thing–but I was 12 years old. 12 year olds aren’t mature. Even so the worst I did was probably roll my eyes and act bored, which is rude, but hardly the kind of rebellion I would think would warrant a four person intervention.

Again, no one just sat me down and talked to me about this in a normal way first. Which is my first recourse as child care provider myself. I always gives kids a warning before I jumped to a full lecture. If they ignore the warning, then I know they’re blowing me off. But if they don’t, then they were just being kids with short attention spans who don’t know social etiquette yet. I make allowances. It’s not like every kid is going to be able to figure this out intuitively.

Anyway, to get back to how this tied into love.

During this dialogue we were having, which felt more like a one sided monologue to me, they were criticizing pretty much everything about me.

Even at the time I didn’t think it made a lot of sense, 4 adults, two of whom I didn’t really know that well, and barely talked to the one, and my parents, all criticizing me.

I’m now very against this approach in practice. I think most people with experience with kids or even teenagers would be. Two people is about the limit for any confrontation with a kid that’s not a medical emergency, I’d say, without it feeling like you’re bullying the kid. I’ve seen kids cry over less, as it is.

Oh and I was crying through most of the conversation. Do you think they stopped? Do you think they tried to comfort me and get me to calm down?

Nope.

Tey told me I shouldn’t cry anymore.

And my singing teacher even picked apart the way I was sitting as being a defensive psotiosns.

Can’t imagine why I would have feel the need to protect myself , under the circumstances.

Now that I’m experienced enough to know how weird this situation was , I’m amazed my mom didn’t see it that way. But I figure my father probably bullied her into it, as he usually did.

The icing on the cake of all this was that one thing I was getting in trouble for was something my dad told me to do, and though I even expressed doubt about doing it to him, he said it would be fine. So I did it.

It was not fine.

He conveniently had forgotten he told me to do it. He admitted to it during the confrontation.

Do you think they stopped? Do you think they apologized to me for the mistake? Do you think they admitted it wasn’t fair?

Not in my memory. But I have blocked out a lot of it, I could be wrong…I do know it wouldn’t be in character for them to do it. I can’t recall either of the other two adults ever admit they were wrong.

My dad would only admit he was wrong about imagined things, not real things. Go figure.

The part that made this about love, much to my dismay both now and then, was that they claimed this entire humiliating experience was done out of love.

Yeah…it really felt like being torn apart for 2-3 hour staring was an act of love.

In the end, though, I did still quit the drum. I find it funny that the thing that set this off was still something I won about. Yet, I feel like I lost more than I gained from the experience.

I’m not sorry now I quit drum, it wasn’t for me. I’m not even sorry I took singing lesson, I enjoy singing. Granted, I hated taking them for that woman, but I did like learning it and I like knowing a bit about it now.

I do still wish she’d taught me how to sing different styles than she did so I could have used it more widely, but them’s the brakes.

Of course one incident might not have given me a complex about love, though for some people that might be enough to do it, but I’m a reasonable person, and I was even as a teen, though less so then, of course.

Still, I could have probably put together that that wasn’t right, if my dad hadn’t reinforced it over and over again.

But pretty much any time my dad and I were alone for longer than 10 minutes he’d start up on the subject again. Bring up every example they had, remind me that his two friends,and even their family, didn’t like me. Say I was a lot like a narcissist.

The funny part is my dad is the the actual narcissist, or has BPD. One of other or both, maybe. I now know it’s common to project your own toxic traits onto someone else, I don’t know that at 12, of course.

Always though, my dad would end or begin or interject into the middle of these lectures, that this was done in “love.”

I’m a very sensitive woman. I always have been. I won’t say verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse, both suck.

But to a sensitive person, it was devastating to hear this so many times.

I’m not a meek type of girl though. I fought back.

But since fighting back, both the first time,and every time after that, never got my anywhere, it created this complex where I feel like nothing I do will ever change people’s minds about me, and I expected them to dislike me, secretly, even if I’m not aware of doing anything to them to cause it.

I expected that for many years every time I met any new person.

Unfortunately, the world had a lot of touchy people in it, and sometimes, I got proven right. I’m sure my insecurities didn’t help with that, since insecure people tend to do things to tick others off anyway, but sometimes it really just came out of nowhere.

The unlucky times my dad got involved, he would usually agree with whoever it was. Even if it was the Sunday school teacher beefing with me for causing problems just by sitting in her class doing nothing.

My sister was there too. They don’t call her in for questioning. She didn’t even know what I did, to this day, I don’t know. But I know my dad was always ready to agree with anyone who had a problem with his daughter. Didn’t matter how unbalanced that person was to begin with.

All the little things my dad did to sabotage my life, but they added up.

I can’t of course, lay the blame for everything at his feet. Some of it was my fault. Some of it was other people’s besides my dad’s.

But the person who twisted the knife every time by calling it love, that was my dad.

I’ve never had people comment on how little I seem to be able to receive love.

Because when someone says that word, I flinch sometimes, inwardly.

I actually prefer if people use words like “I care about you” or “I appreciate you” because they ton’d set me off the same way. My dad certainly would never use words like that.

But “proud for you” is a trigger too, because he used that also.

It never meant anything. I figured out years in that he didn’t mean it. And I figured out also that even if I had done something to be proud of, he would have meant it. He didn’t think that way.

Pride in us wasn’t about what we did, or even about us being his kids, it was always about what he thought we wanted to hear to do what he wanted.

See, some people just never give love, and that’s bad enough.

Other people use love as reward for good behavior, and that’s just as bad, or maybe worse.

The type of person really talk about is the kid who uses love as a motivation if and when threats aren’t working. Just so you can be both scared, and then feel guilty for being scared.

Gas lighting at another level.

Thanks to this, I can’t feel love easily.

I won’t say it’s impossible. I feel love for other people. It’s easier when it children, people who don’t scare me.

That’s what got me, truth didn’t help. Truth is very important to me. If I assume something about someone, and alt er find out a fact about them that calls that into question, I actually changed my mind. I can’t imagine not doing that. But there are many people who will never change their mind, no matter what the truth is.

It’s hard to realize that when you’re not that kind of person.

But I’ve learned to let it slide off my back more.

I’m not writing this to say that my dad ruined my life. Or even that he ruined my relationships. I have good relationships with some of my family. And I have friends. I’m learning to get better at all this.

I hope one day to have a good marriage–which I will probably get counseling for, but that’s just good sense.

And a good relationship with my own children, if God grants me them like I hope.

But I’m not going to lie about my life and say all this didn’t matter or have some effect. Admitting it mattered actually is part of healing.

So it did matter and it is sad. Even saying that took me years to get to. I’m glad for the people along the way, here and there, who did take my side and tell me that that wasn’t normal to go through that.

I had a very good grandmother who would sympathize with me, she was still there for me when my parents weren’t. I had a good youth leader who helped me see at least some of what my dad did was wrong years before I could go to therapy to her the same thing.

I wasn’t always alone. I was just alone too much for it to be good.

But we take what we get in life, and I see no point complaining about it. I think we get what we need ultimately if we seek it, but not always the way we imagine it.

I’ve still never really had father figure other than God. But God has been enough, I know that will sound weird to the person who’s not a Christian, but it is what it is. Think I’m crazy if you want, I really don’t care. Until you have a better cure for broken hearted and lonely people, I don’t really think I’ll swap out mine.

I hope that I will learn to like the word “love” when people say to me again.

I think all this came to mind not just because of the prompt, but because of a thing one of my friends, who is a very blunt person (too much like me probably) said to me at my birthday party.

She pointed out: “Look how loved you are.”

I was thinking that it was nice of them all to show up. And I thought she was right, they were trying to show love.

Yet, when she said it, I felt nothing expect probably confused.

Like I usually feel when someone says that. Or uncertain. Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s just doubt. Maybe they’re the same thing at bottom.

If I accept that, then how will I handle it when they end up doing the wrong thing to me, or leaving me? As everyone will, sooner or later.

Unfortunately for the person who has “avoidant attachment” disorder, as one therapist told me (he was an ass though, but he might have been right about that–he didn’t help me with the problem though), the fact is that being separated from the people you love is inevitable.

It’s hard enough for a healthy person to accept loss and grief. It’s harder if you’re someone like me who has had very little chance to even feel loved at all, so any short stint of it that will be taken away again feels cruel.

I have learned however, that often we’re more loved than we see.

And that the way I interpret love is not always the way people show it. A lot of stuff is just not communicated right.

And recently, I had an ordeal that my friends did not exactly make me feel better about. Doing a lot of the same things that set me off–but I didn’t blow up at them.

I was a bit upset, but I didn’t lash out at them because I knew, at least in my head, that they meant well and were trying to help.

While I would rather actually feel better, I do at least derive some sense of comfort for the fact that I have people who will attempt to help me, even if they don’t succeed. Having grace for people is important.

And that’s a huge stride for me, from where I started from.

So if you related to this post at all, I can tell you that it’s small things like that are along the path to health.

I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I know that at least being able to treat people with some degree of trust, even if you have doubts and anxieties, is the only way to start.

It might take years for me to feel it the way others do. I can be mad about that– or I can accept it and keep trying.

Maybe this is my favorite Naruto characters are Sai and Gaara. Both characters who pretty much embody the journey of learning to feel things again and feel them the right way.

Or my favorite author is C. S. Lewis, who wrote that it was important to be able to feel the right way about things, to be a whole and happy person. [It’s in the “Abolition of Man” book.]

If you met me in person, you might not even guess this about me. My friends have told me they wouldnt’ have before I told them.

I take that good sign. I’ve worked enough on the issues I have are not all obvious. That’s progress. They used to be blatantly obvious to people, based on what they told me.

I’m not a closed off person in every way either.

I guess my point in all this it is to say that these issues don’t define me, and they don’t define you either. You can have issues like this and still be a loving person. So they make you more loving because you over-compensate, in fact.

But I think you can never been too loving, so it’s a win-win. Sometimes broken stuff can be fixed to be stronger than it was naturally. Like when they cut off the trunk of trees to graft in a stronger trunk, but keep the old root system. (They can do that with fruit trees, did you know that?). You gotta know what to keep and what to throw away.

Photo by Tom Swinnen on Pexels.com

I think that’s in Ecclesiastes actually.

Well this got pretty long for a daily prompt post, so I think I’ll end it here. I hope some of this was encouraging, since it was kind of raw and heavy for this kind of post, but it was where my mind went, as as you know my motto is to keep it honest.

So until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

It wasn’t memorable for the same reasons as you’d expect.

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Daily writing prompt
Think back on your most memorable road trip.
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Several years ago my family went on a road trip to Wyoming to visit relatives.

That was the last road trip I went on with my father.

That was the one he punched me on.

Only in the arm, but, it was still a violation of trust. He threatened to do worse if I ever hit him again.

I hit him because he walked in on my in the bathroom, deliberately, and then just laughed instead of apologizing. Acing like a middle schooler (no I’ve know middle schoolers who were more polite).

I’m not defending my actions per sec, I still probably shouldn’t have done that (though if it was any other guy doing the same thing my father would have been fine with it). I guess I thought if he’s going to act like a creep, I’d treat him like one.

But that logic didn’t go over well with my family.

Still, my dad retaliated too much. He hurt me when he hit me back, and he could hit harder than I could. Also, he hit me twice. But it wasn’t really the phsyical pain that bothered me, it was that he did it at all. Something my mom always said he’d never do, though he’d threatened to plenty of times.

My dad had a nasty temper, and the thing I realized was it didn’t matter if you could argue I deserved it (which is what my aunt basically said). My dad got mad over stupid things all the time, even if this time it was valid, if he’d hit me over this, he’d do it when it wasn’t valid too.

I was scared of him getting that angry again–but then I always was scared of his anger.

I didn’t know at the time hat that kind of fear shouldn’t be the kind your father inspires in you.

That with a safe man, you wouldn’t even be able to picture them hitting you even if they were angry.

There are men I know like that, but my father was not one of them. Not from when I was a little kid.

The next year, when they all went on a road trip, I stayed home. Best decision I made where that was concerned.

By the year after that, my father had moved out. Actually, it was right after their trip. Where I heard there was plenty of drama that I was happy I missed, no doubt I’d have ended up in the middle of it.

Something died between me and my dad on the trip though. Maybe if he’d let it be a wake up call, and had tried to change, and fix things after that, it could have recovered.

But instead he blamed me for what happened, claiming he “didn’t know what else to do” since I “never respected him”.

Even though the entire incident was started by him disrespecting me.

But my dad is good at gas lighting.

My father wasn’t often physically abusive. That incident was the closest he came to it, usually he didn’t do more than yank me out of chairs or rooms he wanted to be in, and threaten to hit me if I talked to him the way I did.

But since it had gotten worse over time, I had a feeling it would just keep getting worse till it became a consistent thing, if we pushed him enough. We all walked down eggshells around him because of that.

My life got much better once he moved out (really we made him move out).

I’ve shared the story on this blog before, more while it was happening, in fact, but, I doubt most of my new followers have read those posts, so sharing it again after all this time is probably a good idea for context.

There’s too much to really tell the rest, though.

I’ve had good road trips since that time, and I hope I will remember them for years to come, but it’s probably not up for debate that that one is the most memorable.

I’m likely to remember it till my dying day unless I get dementia in my old age.

I’m not really sad or mad about it now, it just reminds me of why we did what we did, and why it needed to be done.

I hope other people had more pleasant memories for this prompt though.

–Natasha

Christmas has changed for me (in a good way).

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It’s that time of year again.

I’m waiting for my family to get ready so we can open presents, since, you know, that’s how we do.

I thought I’d write a short post about how Christmas has changed for me a bit this year.

We still did all the same things, but I felt like I wanted to do them myself more this year.

The last few years, I’ve kind of lost my enthusiasm for a lot of the things I used to like as a kid. I didn’t want to decorate the tree, listen to the music, or do cookies and lights and all the other stuff.

I’m not sure if it had something to do with my dad moving out, and the subsequent depression and anxiety that followed for a few years, or if it was as I’ve become an adult, I don’t have the same childlike enthusiasm as before, so I didn’t see a point to it all.

This year though, I found myself wanting to do those things again. And I did, I actually helped do a lot more than before. I set up the tree, and my sister and I made cookies since our mom had to work.

My sisters and I have all had to step up more and more often as our schedules get more busy and our mom’s does too. We’ve taken on more and more responsibilities.

That stressed me out more last year, but this year I felt more into it.

But I really think the change is more of tied to my new job somehow. I’ve noticed I’ve become a lot more productive even at home, since starting it.

It’s hard to believe how much of a difference it makes but because at this job I’m treated like an adult (instead of a student like I was at the last job), I’ve grown to see myself with more self respect.

It’s not that I didn’t try to be a good worker at previous jobs, but I felt always lile I was treated as beneath my boss, even when they were nice to me.

This job, even though I’ve made mistakes, sure, everyone does, I’m never belittled or treated poorly. So I’ve gained the ability to be able to offer solutions to problems and enact them myself. And instead of getting in trouble for doing things differently than the others, I’ve been told it’s good that I came up with my own approach.

I now understand why people find good work environments make such a difference. While I coudl survive in a bad one, if I had to, the good one makes you feel more like a person.

And carrying that self respect back home, I also made more contributes to the household budget (small ones but I tried) and did more chores and stuff. Because now I feel more like an adult.

I’m 26, I’ve been an adult for several years, but the mindest just wasn’t fully thre for me. I mean, I’ve not been immature, but I guess it was more of not feeling like other people gave me credit for it. That feels different now.

It shifts, really.

To cap it off, I bought my second car (first one I’ve paid for though) this month, and that was another milestone.

I also wil file taxes for the first time next year. Yay…

But actually, making enough income to even need to worry about filing was something I prayed about. I don’t relish the idea of paying them, but if I’m finally not under the poverty line, then that’s good. (I know you can file even if you are, but I made a few thousand at most the year before this so it was literally pointless to even bother with that. This is the first year I’ve made more.)

I think also, as I’m older now, I’ve realized that I won’t always be able to do all this with my family.

Not that I’m planning to move out, get married, or anything else any time soon. But it will happen eventually.

I know everyone says that, but, I think it is true. Maybe it’s just a phase of life to realize that. Kids are always looking forward to the next thing, which is not bad, they have their whole life ahead of them.

Elderly people tend to look behind them, though some of them don’t, but many live in the past.

I’m not sure there’s any one age where you decide to live in the present, at least not universally, but I think that’s kind of what I’ve been thinking.

And Christmas is the time to think about present, right?

Ha ha…I know, bad joke.

But at the same time, I mean…yeah, the holidays are kind of what let us slow down and see where we are right now.

Maybe that’s why God commanded so many of them in the bible. A lot of people don’t know this, but Celebration is actually considered a spiritual discipline by the Christian church.

Because it is a discipline, isn’t it? It takes work to make celebrations. And it’s something I’ve never been very good at. I was an anxiety ridden teenager and child, and as an adult, I’ve only made steps outside that in the last couple years.

So I understood why it’s actually an act of self will to celebrate.

But if you do, if you build up tha muscle, eventually you’ll come to see why it matters so much.

Feasts, dedications, festivals, they help us remember the good things that happened in the year.

Gretchen Rubin, author of the the “Happiness Project” wrote in her book that “the days are long but the years are short.”

That’s so true.

We experience the present as a long time, day by day, but it drops away from us into the past so quickly. The older I get, the faster it goes.

I’m not really sad about this. I think change is important and it’s often fun, and good. I’m not as afraid of it as a I was as a kid.

But nonetheless, we can miss what’s good in our lives if we never pause to think about it.

Every book and movie about Christmas feels like it’s about that, doesn’t it?

Maybe there’s a reason for that. Maybe it’s something that humans just know, deep down, about holidays.

And remember that in the Bible, the angel told the shepherds “Peace on Earth and good will to men”. Designating the birth of Christ as the time to celebrate and have good will to each other.

So I have good will that all of you will have a good Christmas.

And even if you are dealing with some tough stuff this Christmas, try to find something to celebrate.

(I get to have a dentist appointment tomorrow that I didn’t want, and that’s just the beginning, so no, my life is not perfect right now, but, I’m not letting that steal my joy.)

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight, day, and whatever is in between.

Until next time–Natasha (do you know that name means Christmas? Fitting right.)

Don’t let people’s annoyance steal your joy.

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I was looking at a short video on YouTube last night which made me kind of sad.

In it, one of those r/reddit threads was asking people about something they’ve never forgotten being said to them, and the person told a story about how their husband said their singing was annoying.

This woman loved to sing, and after her husband said that, she said she no longer felt the same about it. It was her way of expressing joy.

Though he later apologized, she still felt bad.

The comment section was full of people sharing similar stories of how others crapped on their innocent fun and talents in the same way.

I have that story too, only it didn’t happen to me just once. My dad made fun of my singing for years, though it didn’t stop me from doing it (though it did stop me from doing it around him a lot.)

Once I even sang for his birthday party since my sisters weren’t willing to do it, though he wasn’t very happy with me doing it instead, and after he said I sang off key. No “thank you”, nothing.

My father was less than encouraging about my writing (doesn’t read this blog either, not for years,) and even encouraged my sisters to make fun of it. Thankfully, they stopped doing that and are now my biggest fans (and sometimes the only fans I have.)

I was hurt plenty of times by my dad’s comments, and my mom didn’t exactly say he was wrong.

Though I had a singing instructor who said I had a good voice, I didn’t really think so.

Now I can’t even tell. I like singing still, I like listening to myself if I’m not on recording, but on recording, I can’t tell if it’s good or not.

I often wish I could sing like my sister, who has a very good voice and musical talent.

But the funny thing is, she was encouraged in that by my father and other people, and me and my other sister even, while we were less encouraged.

And I’ve noticed that singing is harder when you feel less confident about it. Actually that was in some of the other stories in the thread too.

Pretty much everything is hard to do well when you feel insecure.

But singing made me happy.

Honestly, while I would like it if other people enjoyed listening to me, I would sing anyway, even if only while I was alone.

It was sad to me to read that so many people just gave up what they loved doing, just because of one mean comment.

It’s like we thing one other person is really the judge of our talents.

Newflash: Other people can be wrong, and often are wrong.

I mean name one famous singer who is liked by every single person. None of them are.

No famous artist appeals to every single person out there. Some philosophers used to think that’s what made art, art. The fact that it can’t always appeal to the masses.

What we find annoying also changes based on how tired we are, how stressed we are, and as us ladies know, our hormone levels.

I can be fine with something one day and another day and I want to scream if I hear it or see it.

I can even find singing and talking annoying sometimes, from other people.

But I do not do what my father used to do and bark “Quiet!” at them, just for existing. (He said that when we sneezed or coughed too, as if we could help that).

I do have moments when I say sharp things without a good reason, I won’t deny it. I think we all do. But thankfully, my family knows that I’m doing that in a moment of irritation and not because I find what they do annoying at all times. And they know that because I praise them for what they do also.

It’s fine to maybe not want to hear or do something at one particular moment, and if it won’t hurt the other person’s feelings, you can say “can we please be quiet for a bit?”

In a secure relationship, someone else can understand that you just need a break, and it’s not them, it’s just that you’re tired.

But if you say things thoughtlessly lie ” you’re annoying” Then it becomes about having a problem with them.

I’m sure my dad was told he was annoying all the time growing up, he’s said as mcuh (and he was, from all I hear). No doubt to him, it’s normal to snap at people like that.

But I don’t want to be that way.

I also think we need to grow a thicker skin. All of us are going to annoy people sometimes. And it’s good to be considerate of them.

The funny thing is my father was not the least bit considerate of me. When he played his music, he’d crank it up so loud it would make my head hurt. Even if I told him I already had a headache, he would just say “Too bad!”

Yeah, this is the same person who got mad at us for involuntarily sneezing.

You see my point? Some people are just nsaty.

You can’t let them kill your joy.

The fact is, what you’re doing may only be annoying to them because they are too easily annoyed. We all need to learn paitence.

It’s not like every feeling is valid (whatever they say now). I know that it’s irrational to find kids laughing annoying, especially if they’re outside, and not bothering me, but some people still find it annoying. But if I do, that’s a me problem. they’re not doing anything wrong. (I don’t actually find it annoying btw, it’s just an example.)

The feeling of annoyance is something that’s hard to control and inconsistent; and that’s why we shouldn’t let it master our words and actions. It’s not even worth it to complain half the time, I think.

In my mind, the only valid time to ask someone not to do something because it annoys you is if you’re feeling sick or you’re trying to focus or rest, and then it is inconsiderate of them.

Otherwise, they’re just living their lives, and you should let them.

And I apply that to my own actions too. I try not to get mad at people over dumb little things they don’t need to worry about.

Often, I just change my environment. Like, if I don’t want to listen to someone or something in the background, I put in my earbuds. We have so much technology now that can help us not be annoyed and then make us be nicer to people, but we still don’t always use it.

I chose not to listen to my dad, and to keep singing and keep writing.

And look at me now.

I’m not extremely successful as a writer maybe, but, I’m growing, I’m reaching an audience. I’m honing my skills.

And I may not be a famous singer, but I put it to use when I teach and my love of music works for me in other ways, like when I practice sign language.

I also recently had a karaokee themed birthday party, and while I didn’t sing the best (had a clogged throat from allergies), my friends said that it was still very fun.

And that’s the real point.

Not everyone is really good at something, but that’s no reason not to do it, if you like it.

I am not good at chess. I still played someone last week who I knew would beat me, because it’s fun, and I like to challenge myself (I like wining more, but, it’s good to play a game you know you’ll lose every so often, just to not get too arrogant.)

I’m not great at dancing, but I still dance.

Who cares?

If someone really needs to control your actions to that point, maybe they have the probelm.

That’s why I’m telling you all, if you dropped something that you used to love because of a mean comment, don’t.

Get back into it.

Don’t let people shame you out of doing what you really like.

I’m not saying to make a career out of it, though maybe you could. But some things we need to do just for the love of them, because money has a way of making even fun things feel like work.

That may be why God in His wisdom gives us all a penchant to enjoy doing things we aren’t good at, so that we won’t monetize everything we do.

If I ever make money from writing, I know it might take some of the fun out. And you know, I’m disciplined enough now to maybe be able to handle it, but, I’m glad I had so many years of doing it for only myself for only a few people. I got to really enjoy what I do.

Same thing with childcare really. I didn’t have to do it for a long time, but I voluntarily did it, and even though I do it for a living now (in a way), I’m still glad I didn’t for a long time.

So whatever people said to you, remember they don’t have the right to judge your entire life, or your interests.

Personally, I don’t do that to others. Even if I think they suck at what they do, it’s their life and it’s their right to do it. I don’t have to particopate in it if I think it’s bad, right?

(I’m talking just about quality, not morality, obviously, that’s a different conversation than this post is having).

Anyway, I hope this encourages someone. I felt like more people needed to hear this. Just do what you love.

Even if you’re doing it alone, or not paid, or people say you’re not good at it, do it anyway. Skill isn’t everything in life.

Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

My (updated) thoughts on RWBY.

/ toseealife / Leave a comment

Well, it’s been over a week, and I thought I’d take a break from blogging about my life and instead return to a well worn subject: Things I watch.

Namely RWBY. Volume 8 has been releasing since last month, and will be going on hiatus after this week till February, I hear, so it seems like the perfectly imperfect time to talk about the show again.

I started watching RWBY about 2 1/2 years ago, when Vol 5 was out and Vol 6 was coming in, I think, 6 months or so. I blogged about it back then, and I’ve mentioned it since and used the characters for references in other posts, so if you read that stuff, you probably remember my interest in it… but if you’re new, stick around, this is never boring.

Breakdown

If you don’t watch RWBY, I’ll give you a brief break down. It’s center around 4 girls who are on a team of huntsmen (like superheroes combined with special operatives, typical anime idea), and their quest to save Remnant, their world. The first 3 volumes focus on developing the characters and their dream and goals, and the next 5 focus on world building, and explaining the main conflicts of the story.

It’s been said by many other fans that the show is inconsistent about what those conflicts are. Volume 4 focus on revealing the BIG BAD, Salem, the archetype of evil in the world. The she-devil, basically. The ruler of the monsters that devour people, only humans too, no animals. Volume 5 focused more on the racism in the world because the show tries to be woke (not that I minded the theme if it was consistent), Vol 6 goes back to explaining about Salem and Ozpin, the alleged Dumbledore/Professor X of this world, and their history of a very Magneto vs Prof X kind of struggle, with some Thanos MCU type villain stuff thrown in, and healthy dose of probably the worst mythology of gods I’ve ever seen. It really makes no sense.

I didn’t really mind this too much though, I was still invested up till Vol 7.

But last year the show just took a weird turn, and fans have been arguing since about why it has and who’s to blame and if it can get back on track.

And why should we care?

Because I think the problems with RWBY are ones that reflect our culture overall, and the show is just a particularity cringy example of them, but I see them everywhere, and it’s pretty telling about the mindset people have nowadays.

First of all, the writers do not know how to write. I tried hard to believe they did, after Vol 3, the last one Monty was involved in, and Vol 5, the last one I actually liked the ending of. Partly I had the benefit of getting to watch all of them consecutively, so the slow pace didn’t bother me, I now understand why the older fans must have found it frustrating.

I still maintain that Volume 5 is not the train-wreck everyone says it is for the simple reason that it accomplishes something, it has two story threads that it keeps up with consistently, even if they do drag on in places, and the ending at least makes sense, once it’s all tied together, plus gives us a few emotional moments.

Volume 6 seemed okay to me up until the last episode where I just couldn’t buy Cordovan letting them go, it was too convenient.

Volume 7 however, has the real problems with writing in my opinion.

Now aside from this blog, I write original stories, fan fictions, and papers for college classes when necessary. I read other author’s writing tips whenever I can. I read classics. I watch videos breaking down story structure, tropes, and character development. I don’t agree with all of it, but I’m well immersed in the community and culture of writing, and I’ve personally encountered the difficulties I’ve seen in this show, and others.

So, I don’t criticize writers lightly, I feel it’s tough to be a writer, especially with someone else’s show. But since I write fan fiction, I am pretty familiar with how you convert other people’s ideas into your own story. I’ve gotten very good at it, by trial and error.

All this to say, I did not go from being a fan to a hater willingly, on RWBY, and I think that’s important, because with art, it’s the people who truly want to love it and polish their own skills who should be talking about it, not the people who just want to get what they want. I don’t criticize art lightly.

I have my preferences, but I critique things differently based on personal taste, than based on actually deep flaws. Like, I hate Belle in the Disney Beauty and the Beast, I always have, I don’t think that makes the movie the worst princess movie, I’d argue it’s better than most of the other renaissance movies plot-wise, but I loathe Belle. It’s not my cup of tea. Still, if someone else likes it I don’t question their whole outlook on movies and stories in general.

Versus Naruto, where the people who praise Itachi and Pain and Obito scare the crap out of me. How the heck can you excuse literal mass murderers on the grounds that they “thought they were doing the right thing” especially when Itachi admits he knew it was a horrible thing to do and still did it… ugh.

So, with RWBY, I’m not going to be superficial. Yes, I find some new elements very annoying in the later volumes, but those are not really what bother me, I might even get to like them if the other problems weren’t there, and if the problems weren’t there mostly because of our culture’s very strange approach to shows and content.

You can find whole videos explaining in detail what’s wrong with the new volumes, I recommend the ones by Vexed Viewer if you want the closest to my opinion, and he was not always a hater either, I think. He is mostly fair and doesn’t just whine because it didn’t go how he wanted it to like some other fans I’ve watched.

So, I will just briefly describe what I mean, I can’t possibly be as thorough here as a whole video could be to each separate item, or cover them all.

But I think the three main things that bother me are:

  1. Changing character’s personalities and values and goals completley from vol 1 to volume 8, or even vol 7 to vol 8.
  2. Forgetting the lore established earlier, or changing it to be plot convenient.
  3. Pandering to one part of the fandom, and ignoring the other part.

Let’s start with number 1.

I loathe character inconsistency more than almost any other flaw in storytelling. So, I denied RWBY had changed its characters for a very long time, but vol 7 finally did it for me. Winter was the last straw.

I loved Winter Schnee in vol 3, and if you follow the short stories the company releases, we find out a little more about her, she’s a great character. Also a victim of familial abuse and neglect, she has a lot of traits I could relate to, we’re both the older sisters, we both tried to protect our younger siblings from our parents, an both feel the need to be strong, independent, and not let our guard down easy. We also both have tempers. That was all established with only a few scenes, a great VA (Elizabeth Maxwell is superb), and a little manga detail that is considered canon. Winter is awesome. Volume 7 did something to her I just couldn’t get behind.

I am not going to say I expect Winter to be perfect, I thought she’d probably be loyal to Ironwood to a fault, (I actually wrote fan fiction dealing with just that subject), but what I wrote and believed, is that someone as independent as Winter, who questioned her father enough to abandon her inheritance and join the military, and who is capable of being a top level Atlas Elite, basically the right hand woman to Ironwood, would really be so much of a sheep as to follow all his terrible orders in vol 7’s finale without so much as a word of protest. I also don’t believe someone who spent most of her time at home taking care of Weiss and preparing her to be strong, would immediately turn on her and tell her to run away… and arguably, before Weiss had really done anything worthy of being arrested other than disagree with Ironwood.

I’m sorry, it just doesn’t compute. Winter’s loyal, but that loyal?

Thankfully, vol 8 seems to be suggesting she’ll reconsider, and maybe she can be salvaged, but I still think it’s bad writing to make her such a predictable person when her best trait in vol 3 was being able to show us two very different sides to her in just two or three scenes. I’d say she was one of the best written characters of the show. It’s hard to tell people so much in so little time, I’ve struggled to do it myself. But experienced writers do it all the time, most really good movies establish a character in the first 10 minutes.

Winter is a personal peeve of mine, perhaps, but she’s honestly the least of the examples here. The main cast have much, MUCH bigger issues.

As most people have acknowledged, both Blake and Yang have gone downhill since vol 6. Yang got really good development in vol 4 and 5, and Blake had an actual arc (rare on this show) with Sun, her love interest (more on that in a second) and then vol 6 hit and… something just went off the rails. I didn’t care about the PTSD that much, because it’s not the same for everybody, and not everybody has it the same, but Blake just seemed to forget about the faunas after spending two volumes getting involved in taking back the White Fang. Yang seems to forget about her Mommy issues with Raven (and by the way, she’s still not bothered to tell anybody that Raven is the Spring Maiden, which could be kind of important, since Cinder is going around hunting down maidens and also knows Raven is one. Yang may not know that, but still, if they want to put the relic back, it might be kind of important!) They kill Adam (which was great, I never liked him, though a little rushed I thought) and then volume 7 has them making goo goo eyes and forgetting to ever discuss their unresolved issues. Vol 8 is doing even worse with it so far.

About the ship, I never liked it. I don’t ship LGBT stuff anyway, but I can acknowledge when it’s written better and when it’s not. And this has to be almost as bad as She-Ra’s, but at least one of these girls didn’t try to kill each other.

But they’ve never talked about Yang’s anger with Blake for running off, Blake’s weird behavior about Yang’s arm, or either of their trauma with Adam. I’ve never seen them “Talk” really openly and unrestrained, since volume 2. 2! Yet somehow I am supposed to think they are a good couple? Heck, Weiss and Yang would make more sense if we went by actual communication.

Of course my chief annoyance is that Yang was straight in vol 1 and checking out the boys, while Blake was interested in Sun from that volume all the way up till volume 6. 6! and they dated a couple times. But nope, I’m supposed to forget that and believe she liked Yang the whole time and Yang went from straight to gay in the course of one year with no circumstances prompting it whatsoever.

You know, even if I wrote this kind of stuff, I wouldn’t just change it half way through without any development. In real life people transition from straight or gay due to a myriad of circumstances and steps, it doesn’t just happen. There’s no struggle in this show, no reason for it. It’s just inconsistent. And that is bad character writing.

There are fans who justify it for literally no other reason than that they “need representation” that they don’t get as much as us straight people, so even if it’s bad, they still need it.

Well, first of all, that’s pathetic. I don’t appreciate bad portrayals of Christians in movies just because it’s so rare to find us portrayed at all. Do I need the world’s approval or endorsement of my lifestyle? No.

Second, is it the job of writers and artists to boost the self esteem of their fans? It’s nice when they do, I don’t mind when shows choose to tackle hard subjects because they want to contribute something. But when the fandom is demanding it, and throwing a fit if they don’t get what they want, and saying they are “owed” representation, then where exactly do they get off?

I ask, is it a writer’s job to endorse your personal choices? Or to even care to validate your identity, if you choose to base it on something as flimsy as sexuality or race? Why do they need to do that? They are just trying to tell a story, why does it need to have a political message?

If that is the point of the story, I have no issue, I just won’t watch it if I don’t want to see it. But if the story was initially about something else, and that got added only because it’s “woke” and the fandom clamored for it, then that’s extremely irresponsible of the writers and extremely insensitive of the fans.

When I criticize a show for not doing what I want, I do it because I think there is a standard of morality that every good show has to follow: good is good, evil is evil, truth is important, Love is the most valuable thing there is, Unselfishness is better than selfishness, etc. How each piece of art interprets those themes is up to them, I learn a lot from the differences.

If a political agenda is thrown in there, I sometimes don’t mind if it’s tastefully done, but then there’s Zootopia, something that’s jamming the comparisons down your throat till it’s not a story anymore, it’s one 90 minute long metaphor that I’d have been able to read much faster if it was in book form.

Pandering

This is point 3 also, the writers of RWBY pander to the fans who have a political agenda. They pander to the ones who think race has to be talked about in every single work of fiction, and that Gay Pride deserves to be reinforced in every single show and movie there is.

Which is kind of like saying if every movie doesn’t have at least one romance, it’s bad. And if every movie doesn’t have at least one black character, it’s bad… oh wait, they already do say that.

Yes, because the color of someone’s skin is what decides the quality of their work… oh, wait, that’s racist… then why do black people have to be included? I don’t care if they are because they are good, but why are the races of classic characters altered just to be more inclusive? Isn’t that a bit untrue to the original author’s work? Why should we change it just to appeal to people’s political agendas? You know, that used to be called propaganda.

Not to belabor the point, but RWBY has been doing this for the past 2 years and it’s not surprising that everything interesting about Yang and Blake has been completely forgotten. They aren’t in the story to be characters anymore, they are in it to make the fans happy.

If you are going to ask me why the fans shouldn’t be happy, then let me explain what I mean.

I think pandering is okay if it’s harmless, like Easter Eggs, stuff that doesn’t change the plot, it’s just there to be cute, funny, or show the fans the writers appreciate them. My Little Pony did some great stuff like that in its filler and Easter egg episode’s.

I think listening to criticism that is well thought out and shows an understandinf of the plot and direction of the show is perfectly fine.

But I do not think doing a major twist or change solely because “the fans wanted it” and “representation is good” is a reason to include anything. It’s always clumsy when it’s done for that reason anyway. I can’t name one time it’s felt natural to me when I watch, and even the supporters of it admit that. They know it’s just there to “represent” them, not because it feels natural.

With every good story, the plot twists are surprising, but fit naturally into the rest of the story. Things build off each other. They make sense. The changes in Ozpin’s character worked well, we always knew he was suspicious and irresponsible, finding out why and how, made sense (though I hate the gods part, it’s so badly conceived), but by contrast, Ironwood acts one way in vol 3, continues to act that way up through half of volume 7, then snaps, and goes full on dictator villain.

I thought he would corrupt because anyone who would jam someone’s soul into someone else’s body is already crossing the moral line and then some, but to become heartless and domineering to that point in the course of literally one day in actual story time… how? Why? Why wouldn’t he hesitate? Why is no one questioning this sudden callous, irrational behavior? And how is he stupid enough to let Watts hack Penny, a twist my siblings and I predicted since the ending of the last volume, and possibly before, according to my sister, and yet the people who designed Penny can’t predict it…what?

Sue me for thinking there would actually be explanations for this…

Though stupidity is a minor annoyance for me, since it’s usually inevitable with shows that go on for longer than 3 or 4 seasons. It’s really hard to keep a story going that long, especially without an original ending in mind, and characters tend to be dumb when the plot calls for it.

But stupid and immoral are not the same thing.

Vexed Viewer actually pointed out to me that in volume 7 team RWBY is against focusing on the world instead of Mantle, but in vol 8, with no apparent transition, half the team suddenly thinks they should focus on the world, and the other half thinking they should focus on a single city. Which they haven’t a prayer of saving anyway, as they all know deep down. So, basically, Ruby agrees with Ironwood… so why turn on him, and make yourself a public enemy then? Why not compromise? Ask him if you and your team could help Mantle privately, while some of you help with Atlas… why not do that? Jaune could come up with that plan in 5 minutes… of course, he wasn’t there in vol 7, so I guess that explains it, Ruby is just dumb.

I liked Ruby, honestly, up till vol 7. She wasn’t my favorite, but she has a personality, I believed in her intentions. Now I can’t understand what she’s doing at all. She wanted to help people and be a hero, now she’s acting like she has to single handedly have all the answers and no one can do anything unless she approves of it…which is the opposite of how she was in vol 1. She didn’t want people to think she was special.

This isn’t an arc, however, because at no point did Ruby ever come to grips with being special, she just suddenly starts thinking she’s the bees knees, to use Yang’s term. And Yang actually puts pressure on Ruby by saying “she always knows the right thing to do” and then takes zero responsibility for Ruby making bad decision because she’s forced to do it on the spot and no one else will step up and have an idea. Then Yang, the biggest supporter of Ruby as a leader, turns on her with no warning and says she’s been making bad choices… yeah, Yang, and you were right there questioning them the whole time right? No, you weren’t. You never questioned any of them till now.

I hesitated to use the word bad, but this is bad. Objectively, it just isn’t consistent or built up to at all.

Some might say I am biased because I am A Christian and these changes go against my world view.

Well, I would still disagree with the moral direction of these decisions, but I do criticize Christian art also, when poorly written, and one of the worst ways it is is when conversions are rushed. They just happen for no reason. No drama or progress. Or depth. A Conversion is the most common arc in a Christian story, though there are others.

So, if I compare RWBY to my own standards, I still think it’s being badly done. But the change is recent. Up till vol 5, I didn’t think the characters had changed drastically.

I can’t say exactly why it changed, but I think the moment I would pinpoint as the real change was the death of Adam. Adam was a useless character by that time, I agree he could have been more interesting, but I hated his guts too much to care about it, and I don’t think his death hurt the show in any measurable way. People bemoan the lack of importance more than the actual effect of it. However, it was then that the Bumblebee ship began to be pushed for no reason, and Yang and Blake both started saying weird stuff that made no sense.

However, I really wasn’t sure it was going to go bad till the end of vol 7 when all the characters started doing stuff I couldn’t understand at all, turning on each other, and playing right into Salem’s hands. Like they are doing this on purpose?

Now in vol 8, Ren is pointing out the obvious, that the characters are not ready to be heroes. Well, great, that’s what the fans have been saying for years… so, you’re agreeing with us… and then what…?

Personally, it almost seems like the writers are admitting they have no idea what they are doing or why, and are hoping they will stumble upon the answer.

As a writer myself, I know that if I had any clue where I was going with the story, I’d have set it up by now, I wouldn’t be waiting for 5 seasons to get to the point. I would have had the characters actually change and grow by now, having petty fights in the team should have been a thing back when it first assembled, not now. Now when they can’t afford to be disagreeing and having resentment.

I can say this because I’ve written very similar stories and had to time this out myself, I’m not just underestimating the difficulty of doing this.

Now it’s true I have no fanbase to please, but I am not overly concerned with pleasing the whims of people, I want to go for something meaningful. When you change whole plot points just to please fans, you have a real conflict of interests.

To go back to Bumblebee (which is truly the poison all this started from if you track it because it’s the first time the writers did something just to appease fans) it was never really established for five volumes, while BlackSun, the ship between Blake and Sun, was built up in every volume. They had moments in 1, 2, 3, 4 , and 5. with 1 and 5 featuring Sun as important in two major steps in Blake’s life. Sun, in fact, gets Blake out of the hole she digs herself into on both those occasions, plus they date and flirt in between.

Now, ship or no ship, Sun is huge part of her arc, and it would be wisest to keep him relevant since that would encourage building off her arc. As soon as he’s gone, the show can’t really drive Blake forward because her parents and friends who were helping her grow are gone and she’s on RWBY, where she doesn’t really have anything to contribute, since racism is not the focus of that team. Since Blake has nothing to add to the central themes of wanting to be a hero and telling the truth, as she’s never been great at either of those two things, and does not even call on her bad experiences to help the others avoid making her same mistakes (something that would actually be useful right about now).

And then they push Yang, but don’t do any of the actual work to make that believable. One talk in volume 2 doesn’t cut it.

Losing both Blake and Yang’s depth affected the wider plot, since if Yang talked about Raven, the drama of volume 5 might actually have led to something with the girls and Qrow. If Blake talked about Adam, maybe they could have used the White Fang as a guideline for how to help resolve tensions in Atlas. But no, nothing. Because ship, ship, ship.

Lore

Lastly, my second point. There’s one glaring problem with the lore. It might be overlooked if it was the only problem, but it adds insult to injury.

Penny has become a maiden… even though she is a robot. Maidens had to be girls, had to be young, and had, we thought, to be human. Otherwise, why the heck would they not try to put the power into a machine before? And Penny has a soul, allegedly but it’s a man’s soul, since it came from her father. There should be no way she could take on the maiden powers.

It’s one thing, but it kind of throws off the whole build up since volume 3 of the rules and lore around the magic, and makes you question if the writers just want any excuse to do what they want and make Penny important. Which I wouldn’t mind, if it was following their own rules.

Is someone holding a gun to their heads and making them break the rules they wrote into the show? The world may never know.

I think I explained already why I think this is important. I guess this turned into a post about the intergrity of writing and art in general. Which I could defintely follow up with some other posts expanding ont the differnt points.

But for now I think that’s enough to mull over, until next time, stay honest–Natasha.