If I asked you what the answer to all your problems was, what would you say?

Probably you wouldn’t be able to answer. But if I pressed, you might admit that a lot of those problems could be solved with either more money, more time, more friends, or more will power on your part.

Today, I want to focus on the last one.

Will power.

Philosophical question: Is will power the real key to success?

Maybe that’s not even a philosophical question, maybe it’s more of a practical one. In real life, isn’t it all about grit? Courage? Persistence?

I’ve always been told that, from books and inspirational speakers, at least.

Everything is our choice.

You’ve probably heard or seen this on a plague or mug somewhere:

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” — Henry Ford.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” –Wayne Gretzky.

Or something like that.

One thing I hear a lot these days is to “be your own hero.” Or “I am my own hero.”

It’s even in the song “Roar” by Katy Pery.

I’ve always found that weird. I remember reading in a book (not sure what book now) that an author was commenting on how when he used to ask teens who their hero was, they’d say either a real person, or one in fiction, and that they wanted to be like them.

Now they don’t really have anyone they look up to.

I think that varies depending on the demographic and age group you’re talking to, but isn’t it concerning that high schoolers by and large no longer seem to look up to that many people.

Then again, many people may say that it’s better that way. That you should never meet your heroes. That people will always let you down.

I’ve wondered what it would be like to meet my own personal heroes. The kind of people I look up to are usually reported to have been very kind to their fans, and I’d like to think ah’t even if they didn’t immediately like me, they’d still have been the same people I thought they were. Flawed, but, not bad.

But then my heroes are always the ones who admit they are flawed and share their mistakes, so it’s hard to be as delusional about them.

I’m not one for hero worship anyway. I’ve disagreed with my favorite Author, C. S. Lewis, openly to other people, even though I think he was brilliant, because there are some topics he just didn’t understand. But he’d be the first to agree with me on that, it doesn’t take away from my admiration of him, just reminds me to think for myself.

I wonder if we just don’t teach this skill to our kids now. That you have to learn how to respect someone’s good points, and not imitate their bad ones. That you eat the meat, and spit out the bones. No one will ever match your ideal lifestyle, probably because for you, that lifestyle has to be personalized, so no one ever could match it. You have to take what you can from people and turn it into what works for you.

But I feel like we’ve got this weird cycle, in the West at least, where teens and young people idolize someone, or something, until it ends up doing one thing they don’t like, and then they turn on it. Even if that thing is not ever proven, or not even clearly incorrect.

I’ll give an example, and since I’m Christina, I guess it’s only fair to use a Christian one, since we do this too.

I’ll use the example of Switchfoot.

Switchfoot is a very popular Christian indi-rock band, and my personal favorite in that genre, so I was once watching a video about it on YT, and the lead singer (Jon Foreman) addressed one of their fans who was in the LGBTQ+ group, and told them they were welcome to come to a concert, as the fan had posted a video voicing doubt that they’d be welcomed there.

The video got so much backlash, it was astounding to me. I watched the clip from Jon Foreman and nothing he said was unbiblical, he was just trying to put this girl’s mind at ease and be kind and welcoming.

Sure if you twist his words, you could say he was endorsing her lifestyle, but he didn’t actually say that you’d have to read that into his acceptance. (I’m not even going to talk about where I personally stand on it, right now, as it’s irrelevant.)

My point was that so many Switchfoot fans were furious, and flat out mocking this guy and tearing the band to shreds for this short video.

I was surprised at how venomous their comments were. I would think they’d have given them the benefit of the doubt, as Switchfoot has always been a very pure band in their presenting of God and our beliefs, in my opinion at least. Which is why I would have found it hard to believe they were actually being unbiblical so openly.

But it’s not just Christians, it’s not even primarily Christians. This turnabout happens all the time with celebrities, politicians, entertainment, products, you name it.

Perhaps that’s part of the movement for being your own hero. If there is no other hero to be had, then you have to be your own.

I do love a good inspirational story about a self-motivated person achieving their goals. And honestly, I am a very self motivated person myself. I rarely wait for anyone else to tell me what I’m good at, what I should do, or who I should try to be. I’m the one who tells other people my opinion, at times, unnecessarily.

But that’s how I am, I want people to reach their potential, and to reach my own. Nothing is usually ever good enough for me to want it to stay the same forever.

So of all people, the ‘be your own hero’ mantra should appeal to me. And, it does, usually.

But I have come to question it in the last several years.

At first it sounded great, but, I realized what we all realize eventually, that it doesn’t work.

I went through my self help phase as a teenager, which is a lot sooner than most people do, but, I was ambitious. I started reading the books, watching the messages, planning out what I wanted to accomplish and change in my life.

And…I did have some success, but other things, I didn’t.

And all these books over simply it too. People who lead exceptional lives seem to assume it’s simple for everyone to do what they did.

I read the book “Do Hard Things” when I was 13, and I later read the follow up book to it “Start Here” (both by Alex and Brett Harris.)

Then, inspired by a story in the second book, I tried to start my own fundraiser to send money to a charity I liked.

I thought people would do what they described, they would want to help me and that would make it happen. I had ideas…but, I never had a lot of support form others, and on my own, I didn’t have the means to raise the money. We raised some, but, not as much as I wanted.

One lady did try to caution me to be more realistic, and I dismissed her at the time, saying that I had enough faith for the big amount.

But, perhaps the Lord humbled me for that reason.

It wasn’t pure arrogance on my part, really, though. It was that I thought that’s how it worked. That God blessed everyone’s efforts if they were for the right reasons. I didn’t want glory for myself, I wanted to do something meaningful, something that would make a big difference.

Maybe I did want to accomplish something, in a way, to make myself feel important. But looking back, that’s more of something I think now that I’ve had time to examine myself, not what I thought at the time.

But it doesn’t matter if my motives we’re all selfish, or only partially selfish, or not selfish at all; whatever the case, I mistakenly assumed that a first try was going to succeed just because it was for a good cause and because the books made it sound that way.

The books didn’t share a lot of stories of failure. Probably because they didn’t think they’d be as inspiring. But the thing is, teens need to be told they will fail sometimes, even many times, before they succeed, because everyone’s path is different. And the odds are you’ll fail more often than you’ll succeed at anything that involves other people, because no one is likely to care as much as you about it. And even if you find that golden group of people who do, there is luck, or fate, or whatever you call it that has to line up, it can take years for that to happen.

For some people it does happen fast, but, that’s rare. And usually it’s not even the most talented people that it’s true of. It can be passing fad that they happens to hit at the right moment, it can be being in the right place at the right time, or it can be they do the wrong thing by accident, but it somehow works.

For me, it was very discouraging to realize no one else cared as much as I did, but now that I’m older and more experienced, I know that is not uncommon.

But I had the expectation that it would be simple for me. And maybe, for someone else, it would have worked, but the books didn’t cover what to do if you’re not that special person.

So I learned that you can’t do everything just on your own steam.

Other changes I tried to make I could do them, when it was just me. But not always as much as I wanted.

I’ve tried things like exercising regular for years, off and on, and it took till this last year for me to finally have the mental discipline and to know what works for me, enough to actually pull it off for months on end, so far.

I’m learning about what works for me, and I’m finding my footing. I’m 25. I Wish I knew what when I was 16.

But this is why it’s dangerous to tell kids to be their own hero.

The fact is, and if you are a teen or young adult, I say this with the greatest possible respect, but the fact is: You don’t know a lot yet.

I don’t mean that many of you are not smart, capable, and even independent.

But what I mean is that experience is what shows you what is going to work for you, and you just can’t have that figured out as a teenager. It takes months usually to test any thing enough to know if it’s a good fit, and we only have so many months in a year, and so many years of being old enough and capable enough to test out things. Especially in the West.

So the reality is, even for those of us lucky enough to be able to do what we want, and not what we must, as with most places in the world, it just takes time.

And kids can be really prepared with numbers, and figures and info, but still not be ready for the real world. But no one ever is ready. You just go for it, and you get ready as you do.

That’s the truth.

And I’m still in that phase, honestly, but at least, now I know I am. I didn’t before.

There’s another thing to consider:

The culture we live in is obsessed with personal success.

But, let’s look at some dark truths.

Statistically, not all of us will live to be old enough to be successful.

It takes most people till their 30s to be gaining more than they’re putting into anything, let alone a career.

It takes most people years to have kids, if that’s their dream, and to find a romantic partner. I’m still waiting for my first boyfriend in my mid twenties. It’s not that I haven’t looked, but I’v never found the right tone.

The Bible says we shouldn’t set our mind too much on earthly things. People have seen this as some hyper spiritual way of looking at life, that God just doesn’t want us to care about Earthly things that much.

But that’s not what the Bible means by that. In Ecclesiastes it even says you should enjoy what you do, and your marriage, and your life, as best as you can…but knowing that it’s all vanity. It all will pass. And that you may not live as long as you want to. But who’s to say you’d have been better off if you did?

It’s bitter wisdom, but it is still wisdom.

It’s not that God does not want us to try to succeed, He does, but that He is warning us to spare ourselves the heartache of pining all our hopes on one thing that is only temporary even if we get it.

What if we made a million dollars? We’ll spend it.

What if we have kids? They’ll grow up.

What if we get married? Both of us will die eventually, one before the other, probably.

What if we make a great piece of art? Well one day, it will be destroyed or forgotten about.

And this is not bad. It’s just the way time affects us. Nothing can last forever. If it did, new people would never have the chance to be successful also. Some works seem timeless, but even they will be destroyed one day, and new works will replace them.

This is not really bleak, it’s just the way the world has to be to give a constant new chance to the people who live on it.

And that said, whatever we do, while it may be good, is nothing to stake our whole life on.

I’ve seen people like my father who get so depressed they feel suicidal when they can’t do well at their job. A lot of men are like that.

Or who get so down when a relationship ends, because they put all their hopes into that.

I’ve never wanted that to be me.

Yes, I put a lot of myself into what I do and who I’m with, but, I know one day it will end. And while that’s not an excuse to slack off, it does mean I have to be ready to let it go, when it does.

Job, one of the most famous sufferers in the Bible, if not the most famous, said, when he had lost everything through no fault of his own. “The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

See, all success we have is borrowed.

Even if you didn’t believe in God, you have to just look at the world and see that things change all the time. Success will rise and fall for everyone in their life. A billionaire could lose everything and be a pauper, just as easily as someone could become an overnight success. Depends on the person, and the time they live in.

We get so focused on what’s in front of us, we forget that it will not always be in front of us.

Same goes for suffering.

So when it comes to being our own hero, our own answer, for things, we have to realize that it’s never that easy.

There is a lot we can do to help ourselves, but some things always depend on others and their actions.

For me, it’s hard to accept that because people have let me down a lot…yet, without the other people helping me, I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am now. I wouldn’t have learned more about myself and I wouldn’t have learned the skills I do have.

I resent it sometimes when people act like I need help, but, I do.

And I no longer think I can save myself, if I ever did.

And that’s the thing, you can’t save yourself.

That’s a lie they keep putting out there.

Even in that Titanic movie, they say Rose has to save herself.

It’s true that there will be times when it is just us against the world, that you must fight for yourself, and that is part of life.

But that’s more like a crisis moment than a regular thing. Rose didn’t even save herself, Jack saved her, as she even admits later.

And while I’ve had to think fast and act to save myself a few times, most of the time I’m teaming up with other people.

And for me, God has always been the thing that’s saves me the most, even when no one else is around.

If you look up only to yourself, and treat yourself like God, which is really what this self actualization and saving yourself and being your own hero crap is about, when it’s taken to its logical extreme, then when you run out of strength, as everyone does, you’ll collapse.

Why do so many people commit suicide who feel alone? Because you can only talk yourself out of something so many times before you start to feel like it’s just your empty opinion and you’re deluding yourself.

But if someone else is helping you, then it’s easier to believe it.

C. S. Lewis even observed that defending the faith for years might be a way to start having a harder time believing it.

Why is that? Because it was his ideas he was putting against consent opposition, and we start to doubt our own footing after a while. How can we be right? And everyone else be wrong?

But majority rule does not determine who is right. Even finding one or two other people who agree with us can be enough to encourage us to keep believing.

But we can’t all be right. For me, I still compare everything to what my faith teaches, because there has to be some way I can filter what everyone else says and what I think myself.

But if I was just alone with it, if I had no one and nothing to turn to, I couldn’t really believe anything. I’d have no way to test it.

So no, I’m not my own hero, or my own muse. And I think anyone who says they buy that, is kidding themselves.

Even if, at most, you could maintain that for a few years, the bubble bursts sooner or later.

And it should.

And what you find left after that point, that’s what your life really is.

So I guess I’m warning you all reading this not to put too much stock in your own character. Even if you are your best self, your best self will never replace the need for a perfect and flawless model to base our lives on. And we do need that, as humans, because we need to know where we come up short, so we can improve.

There is one recent modern example of this that most people will probably recognize, of the contradiction of saying you should be your imperfect self because that’s better.

In the hit movie “Encanto”, Isabel, the middle child in the Family Madrigal, sings a song called “What else can I do?”

In the song she says “It didn’t need to be perfect, it just needed to be, and they’d let me be!”

The song is about her letting herself go wile with her power.

Now, in of itself, that’s maybe not bad–though she does cause a lot of destruction and injuries by doing it, but the movie waves that off as just the result of her being able to be messy and free finally.

[What Else Can I Do?– Encanto]

But the film (and its reviews) missed the problem with what Isabel is doing.

If it’s truly better to be imperfect…how do we measure that? What are we comparing our imperfection to to say it’s closer to it than our attempt at perfection?

And the answer is usually ‘we don’t know’. There’s just this blind idea of a happier life that we think not trying to be perfect will get us.

[Because we all know it’s the people who try the least who are always the most satisfied with their lives…right? (Not statically).]

I am in favor of breaking the mold, but only because I think the model itself is never perfect, not because the idea of perfection is the issue.

See, when we say we can’t be perfect and we should be, we mean other people’s ideas of perfect, and it’s true, those are never accurate.

But if we ever saw true perfection, we’d see it was beautiful, liberating, and more satisfying than anything else. Because…that’s the definition of perfection. It has no flaws, no drawback.

Something can not be perfectly imperfect, that’s a contradiction.

And because we are not perfect, we always need to grow…but we need to realize we’ll never meet anyone else’s standards of perfection either.

And so we need to allow each other to make mistakes, but never assume that means making mistakes out of a callous disregard for any kind of standard is a god thing.

There has to be a balance to this.

And that’s part of the idea of not trying to be your own hero. If you are your own hero, you have to never mess up. But if you do, who will save you then?

Rather than being liberating, it’s horrifying, the pressure would be endless.

But if you are not your own hero, then you can save yourself, sometimes, but you can also be saved by someone else. Or something else.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. Experiencing things outside ourselves is why we’re on this earth. And to add our own flavor to it also. That’s the paradox of life, giving and receiving in a rhythm and often, doing it at the same time.

So to wrap it up, my thought is, we all should stop saying we’re going ot be the hero of ur own story.

You are a player, but you are not the game. You can be a hero, but you can’t be the only one. You can achieve greatness, but you can’t expect to be the pinnacle of all things.

We should aim high, but learn we’ll never reach heaven, to use the old Babel story metaphor.

And that’s good, because people who live that way are the most happy anyway. Because they know what they can achieve, and what they can’t.

And I hope to live this way myself.

Thanks for reading and please leave a like if this post resonated with you–

Until next times, stay honest– Natasha