So we’ve all heard some form of the phrase “You need to move on.” People in movies and shows say it as a quip, never really expecting the person to take their advice. But what does it actually look like to move on?

I present for your consideration Ella from the 2015 Cinderella, she’s a really good person. Kind and courageous. Enduring a lot of mistreatment with never a harsh word. Her Stepmother, who hates her for no reason of her own except that she exists (the most deadly type of hatred,) keeps doing cruel things to her out of jealousy. At the end of the story Ella is finally found and rescued by her Prince. She is about to leave this house and the stepfamily who treat her worse than a dog. She could gloat, I bet a lot of us would have a hard time not doing that, but instead Ella looks back at her Stepmother who is sinking down on the stairs in defeat. Seeing her Ella seems to realize that no matter what good might happen to her the Stepmother will still be miserable because she has chosen to be. So Ella, perhaps seeing a hint of guilt in her expression, says simply “I forgive you.” Then she walks out the door.

If you forgive someone from your heart, you no longer harbor ill feelings for them. You can be glad when they do well, and sorry when they suffer. (This may sound impossible, if so you’re not there yet, but don’t give up we’re all on the journey all the time.) But until you move on, the person still holds power over you. You still may desire their approval. Or you may be overly sensitive to their words. It’s taken me ages to realize that until I move on, I will still base my self worth on what other people think of me. Think of a person who you have a rocky relationship with: When they’re around can’t you just feel what they’re thinking about you? Can’t you tell their opinion of you deep down even when they seem okay with you? Well, there’s a strong chance you’re imagining it. But sometimes it really is the case. Either way the effect on you is to measure yourself by what they think of you.

I’m not going to be silly and say that it’s stupid to measure yourself by people’s opinions. It’s quite natural actually, and sometimes it’s helpful because we tend to mirror each other’s attitudes. If that is the case we need to alter our behavior before we worry about theirs. But, there are times when we honestly have tried to be kind to the person in question. And sometimes they know it and other times they never realize it. (Like the Stepsisters.) Either way it can be discouraging. And they will name us things like Cinderella (I read once that it means “ash baby.”) People’s opinions can have value. But only as much as you give them. If you don’t trust the judgment of the person then they shouldn’t give you your name–which is your identity.

When your realize that you’re wrapping your identity in someone else’s judgment, then it’s time to move on. Forgive them as many times as necessary, but stop pondering what they say about you, stop thinking about the past except when you have to, stop wearing their label.

Likely they never meant to label you, or they thought the label was harmless; but even if they did it purposely, let it go.

At the moment all I know about Moving On is that it’s a choice like most things are. There’s a time to every purpose under heaven. We have to walk away form the pain if we would move forward into the joy. I don’t mean we should be indifferent to people. But that we should recognize that they don’t always get us right. So, moving on…

Here’s a summary of my last two big posts.

“Be renewed in the spirit of your mind…let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification (building up,) that it may impart grace to the hearers …Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor (loud quarrelling,) and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:23-32.

Forgiving is hard. Yet, I wonder why? We all make mistakes and so why are we so hard on each other for making them? Maybe we want to see a fairness in others that we don’t possess in ourselves.

Let me be clear; by forgiving I don’t mean letting people get away with serious wrong doing. Nor do I mean living in a sort of denial that the damage other people’s words do to you, is not that bad. It is actually much worse than most of us know. Forgiveness is actually acknowledging they did wrong and letting it go. In the words of Stasi Eldredge “It was wrong, very wrong, and I release you.”

Forgiveness is actually more for us than the offenders. I did a little research on this (all credit for my scientific facts goes to Dr. Caroline Leaf and her discoveries)and I found out that when you don’t forgive there is a link between you and that person. Every negative thought they have about you, even from 10,000 miles away, affects you as much as if they were sitting right in front of you. This is science. I’m not making this up. Emotionally most of us have probably heard about the necessity of forgiveness. When you hold on to the actions of another, you build them into your brain. I don’t mean in a mind control sense. But when you hate someone you obsess over them, you think of them and the things they’ve said and done to you; if it’s someone close to you then you struggle with not having their approval on your life even as you despise their opinion. You feel indifferent to their pain and even glad when they suffer. You say you’ll forget them but you can’t, because you can’t let what they’ve done go. If you don’t remember who will? It won’t matter to anyone. And that is what scares us, that our pain won’t make a difference in anything. That we ourselves don’t matter. These people who hurt us were right about us then. The emotional and mental damage this does to us couldn’t be fully disclosed if we took hours and hours to talk about it. To not forgive is to agree with the people who hurt us and to sink to their level at the same time.

That is why the first step toward forgiving is admitting it was wrong and you were damaged. A lot of people don’t get this far. They won’t admit their weakness. Or in some cases they will only admit their weakness but never that they can overcome it. They wallow in their pain all their lives. I mentioned Elsa of Frozen in my last article. I want to quote one of her lines in her infamous song: “Don’t let them in, don’t let them see; be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel. Don’t let them know.” And we all have said this to ourselves. Keep it together. Don’t let them get to  you. Show them. But it doesn’t work does it? We continue to get angry whenever someone hits a sore place in our hearts. Reread my opening quote. Doesn’t un-forgiveness cause all those things?

So, if you are willing to take step one and admit you have been hurt–bad (And someone may be thinking “I can so do that.” Well hold on.) What is step two? It varies. It may involve crying your heart out. Grieving the wound the Eldredges call it. (I highly recommend their books Wild at Heart or Captivating for more detail on this very important part.) In my own journey of forgiving, I cried several times; I shared my pain with trusted people–but don’t do it with the person who hurt you, that was always a disaster–I prayed about it. To which I attribute all progress I made. Pain can be scary because it is so deep. Sometimes we wish we’d left it alone in apathy and numbness. But really that’s even more frightening.

After sadness, or sometimes before it, will come anger. More anger. And fear. Here we face yet another choice, we can press on, releasing the anger and fear, or we can let it drive us back. At this point you will not feel like forgiving, nor will you feel like the person deserves it, it will be purely a choice. I suggest writing it down. Saying it. “I choose to forgive (insert their name)”

Let me return to science. If you begin to do this, you will get this person out of your head. You’ll be able to live your life without them being a weight on you psyche. It won’t happen all at once, but it’ll gradually lift off. Well, it depends. If it is merely an injustice, then one stroke or two might take care of it. If it is an emotional scar, then you will need to repeatedly make the choice until it is finished because the parts of your brain it has damaged will take time to heal. One thought at a time.

Jesus warned us that if we do not forgive our brother ( which means our fellow man) from our heart, our heavenly father will not forgive us, but blessed are the merciful for they will receive mercy. George MacDonald speculated that the act of unforgiveness does not make God stop being merciful, but rather makes us unable to receive mercy. I think the idea has merit. You see, you tend to reciprocate the behavior of people you dislike, and if you can’t forgive them when they do something hurtful, then you can’t forgive yourself or believe God will if you make the same mistake. Because we demand justice, we force it upon ourselves. Jesus also warned us of this saying “judge not lest you be judged” and by the same measure we use it will be measured back to us. You may say “If God cared He would not have let it happen.” But look at what you are saying. If you demand justice from God it is only fair He judge you by the same standard as the other person. You may even protest that you have the right to act this way because they hurt you, but depend upon it, someone hurt them too. So you have put both yourself and them in the dock. Wouldn’t a fair God tell you not to accuse them when you have done the same thing? Or other things just as bad.

But if we show Mercy, God will forget our own sins, and we will be blessed for rising above our troubles. Jesus gave us one more piece of advice on this subject. Pray for those who mistreat you. If you do this, you will not only get them out of you head, but you will change the atmosphere around you, and prevent them from harming you anymore. In Elsa’s words “I don’t care, what they’re going to say. Let the storm rage on.” In my next article I will talk about recovery and healing, the next step.

Until then, I hope you found this helpful–Natasha.

I’m using a song to take a message from:

“You can be amazing; you can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug.”

This is the song Brave. So as you can guess this article is about words. (The title’s a bit of a giveaway.) Ever feel like words are mostly empty these days? They used to mean so much; now we call them cliché. Well, it’s not that words have lost their power, but that we have lost our hearing.

Listening well takes a good deal of practice, and a lot of people prefer not to take time to do it.

In frustrated moments I have blurted out things plainly (I thought) that I would much rather have only hinted at, but no one heeded the hints. Sadly, people have seldom (I won’t say never) heeded plain speaking either.

Hysteria: An uncontrollable emotional outburst, as from fear or grief, often characterized by irrationality, laughter, weeping etc.

I think hysteria is born of frustrated silence. From unbalanced people. Like Miss Amelia in “A little princess.” Let’s hope we won’t get to that point or if we do that we won’t park there. Even if you have, there’s a way out.

Words are weapons, and like any weapon they can be handled with reserve and control and skill, or maniacally by an ill-trained  or cruel person. Watch you words. This is told to us from a young age. By our parents, our teachers, our extended family, even our pastors. But they don’t always tell us why. Or how. So we end up confused and unsure what situations call for words and what ones call for silence.

I sometimes suffer from allergies that affect my sinuses. When this happens my ears can get plugged or drain uncomfortably. I can still hear, but the funny feeling distracts me and makes me fall out of it. How many of us have this with our mental hearing? We hear, but it’s like we aren’t fully present or something is plugging our understanding. We’re easily distracted.

But I am tired of only hearing about problems, and I’m sure you are too; let’s move on.

The thing is, no one tells us what to watch our words for. As an early adolescent I was constantly told I was rude and disrespectful. Often I had no idea. People would then tell me they were trying to help, but they wouldn’t really help. They explained my problem but were short of any solution other than for me to change my attitude. That was one thing I needed to do, but even after that I continued to blunder my words. I wrote stuff back then, and my writing suffered from lack of tact, taste, and detail. I realized this eventually. But while everyone could explain–over explain–my problem, no one could tell me a good way to resolve it. It’s looking back at this that makes me so glad there’s a God who cares about us. No better Therapist. Thanks to a lot of good reading–and that includes my Bible–I finally started to have a clue. It’s been slow; I’m not naturally a person considerate of the effect of my careless words. But a few simple rules would help.

Firstly. Something someone should’ve told me years ago (and I should’ve listened if they did) is to consider how I would like that said to me. This is fairly easy. If you’ve any imagination, picture yourself in the other person’s position both emotionally and physically. Reading a lot of books by various authors is helpful; one that’s helped me a lot is the Ever After High series by Shannon Hale. Because it covers two people from opposite perspectives yet though one is shown to be more clear-thinking, both have flaws and good qualities that make you respect them both even when you don’t agree. The web series the books are based on is also a great study of diverse characters. Another good read is “Till we have faces” by C. S. Lewis. But virtually any decent book provides multiple perspectives if you only look. Another good idea is to practice sympathizing even with people you like and understand.

This rule is often given as the best and greatest key to communication, but actually it is only the first step. As Stephen R. Covey put it, “Seek first to understand then to be understood.”

Secondly. Explain yourself. ( I must put a disclaimer here; this next step only works in certain situations. I would not try it in a high stress environment. Been there, and it never works. Unless with extremely mature people–apply step one in these circumstances. People often don’t mean what they say when they’re upset.) I have had to use trial and error in learning to do this. You probably will too. But I have a tip: be concise. The best trick I know for that is to think out your idea or complaint 2 or 3 times privately or with a third party, before bringing it to the person in question. I journal it. Also never explain something when you’re angry. It’s okay to be emotional. But as soon as anger comes in, reason weakens. I know–it feels so good to rant, but that is better done in private.

Choose your words carefully. Watching your words is about watching not what you mean (intend), but what you convey. too often I’ve meant to compliment and conveyed an insult. People have also hurt my feelings when they meant to be playful. Also, you can mean strength and convey anger. Or mean caution and convey fear. People read words, and read into words, differently. Sometimes it is not your fault. But a little extra thought might go along way in explaining. Know who you’re talking to. My dad appreciates clever humor with sincerity, my mom likes straight but gentle talk. I like energetic but affectionate communication. Each of us can easily misunderstand the other if we don’t consider.

Thirdly. But watching you words goes even beyond that. Sometimes you will have to say what nobody, not even yourself, wants to hear. You’ll be under peer pressure, and it’s so easy to frame our words into the most tolerant phrasing we can. Or, if you’re on the other end of the spectrum, you might overstate everything. Looking back, I rarely like that. I prefer grace seasoned with salt. a grace-filled word is like an apple of gold in a setting of silver. A valuable commodity in a rare situation. And the richer your words are the more of such situations you have. “If a situation is tarnished from ill-treatment in the past, that calls for even more care in the present. A family situation is a good example. You can hit a sore spot, but if you keep your head you just might smooth it out. “A gentle word can break a bone,” is another proverb. That sounds bad, but you’ve likely heard about necessary breaks, or that broken bones can heal back stronger than before.

A note on this: Playing off people’s emotions can be a low trick. Especially in America with our constant advertising. But some emotions are appropriate to big things. And it’s more scary or sad if you can’t evoke any than if you can. A good rule of thumb might be if you haven’t felt what you’re evoking, then it’s probably manipulation and hypocrisy.

In summary, watch you words for inconsiderateness; watch your words for clarity; and watch  your words for sincerity. (Which means to be without guile, without cover up of a blemish.) But the Bible puts it this way: guard your mouth. A guard keeps out threats and keeps in threats. It also makes threats if necessary. Tone can be everything as we all know. I hope these three rules help you. I know I need them myself–Natasha.