I know I’ve been MIA for a while. Life got crazy, and often this blog ends up on the back burner.
But I’ve been happy to see a lot of people are still visiting it anyway. Thank you all for your support.
This year has been one of the hardest I’ve gone through since before my dad moved out.
Just a list of things that have happened:
I went to the ER while on vacation.
My new (used) car needed two major repairs within the same year and a few smaller ones.
I lost one job and wasn’t able to continue the other because of school work being too much.
I had an ear infection that cost me some of my hearing in one ear.
I had my laptop break down and it took three tries to find a replacement.
I cut off my dad again.
My cat disappeared for 4-5 days straight (luckily someone found her).
Debit card got hacked and I had to freeze it.
Honestly, there was more, I just can’t remember it all at once.
At the same time, I did accomplish some cool things this year.
I had three yard sales that raised near to $1000 in total that helped me repay my car debt.
I had friends who contributed to a GoFundMe for another $600.
I was able to finish some stories and start a podcast.
I organized almost my entire house, cleared out the garage, got rid of unnecessary things, sold others, and fumigated our shed for termites (all with my families help).
We cleared out our storage unit also so we don’t have to pay for that anymore.
Despite all the setbacks, I was able to set aside some money.
Thankfully, I caught the debit card fraud before anyone used it to buy something.
A friend of ours at church actually gave my sisters and I each $100 to start investing with, just out of a wish to help us out.
Somehow, though I’ve been wrecked financially, I’ve still had enough to cover my basic needs. I cut down on spending, but was able to find other methods to get stuff, and my family has been nice about paying for things when I can’t.
Through all this, I admit, it’s been hard to feel like God is really helping me. Not because I haven’t had blessings, but because they have not been what I wanted.
I really wish to be more financial stable, even if I can’t be fully independent. I wish to have a different job in childcare, one I could actually grow in.
I wish to have accomplished more in my life than I have.
I wish I wasn’t single still at 27.
The fact is, I wanted a family by this age, I wanted a better job. I never imagined I’d still be in nearly the same financial place now as I was when I was 20.
“Try everything” like the Shakira song says has been my motto this year.
I have learned a lot, I admit.
I’ve heard that if you end up in the same place over and over again, it’s because you haven’t yet learned what God wants you to learn from it.
The truth is, my idea of success is too important to me.
Blame it on my dad for beating into my head (against my will, really), that jobs were all important. He criticized me so much for not having one, and not looking for one once I’d realized my methods didn’t wokr in the modern job market (once I switched to online job sites, I had success finally, but he never told me to do that). He also used to say he wanted to kill himself when work was bad.
He and my mother also made some poor financial choices and didn’t always think ahead, though they had some back ups, but we had to file for bankruptcy when I was 9-11. And we moved, not for the last time.
I had a life coach briefly also who blamed me for not having a job when I told her the same thing I told my dad… she wan’s my life coach after that point. The 30 minute long lecture I don’t ask for just killed it for me.
My dad also encouraged me to put up with toxic bosses which led to my first several jobs being very unhealthy ones.
So yeah, I wasn’t set up to take this job thing lightly. Even when I know it’s not my fault and the market is bad, I find it hard not to take it personally.
When work is going well, I tend to feel good about everything else, and when it’s not…I feel depresesed.
Funny, I always thought my dad’s attitude towards it was stupid, but now I’ve found it hard not to adopt it.
So, maybe, God has allowed this reoccurring joblessness in my life to teach me both how ot rely on other people (as I’ve had no choice but to do), and to not make jobs all important.
I can’t say I’m happy about it, but I’ve gone on with my life, chosen to pursue hobbies, home organizing, doing what I can when I can’t work, to keep busy and productive and not to see it as only worth doing if I’m making money.
I have many days where I still feel stressed about it, and I’ve had dozens, if not hundreds of set backs on this journey.
Still, I know that many people wish they could have what I have. I don’t have to pay rent since I live with my grandma still. I have support. I’ve been able to pursue my interests because of free time.
Is it really so bad?
The truth is, I know it’s not as bad as it feels.
I wish, honestly, that I could be as grateful all the time, and as joyful, as I think I should be, conciser how much worse it could be.
Sometimes, I do find it funny, the struggles I have, since they are almost cartoonishly numerous this year, but most of them were small, compared to some.
My nature is to worry, really. To let the problems I have steal my joy. I’ve been that way since I was 5 or 6. The same time my anxiety disorder started.
I used to think if I looked forward to things, they were more likely not to happen. I’d try to trick fate by thinking against things happening…which we know now, actually makes it more likely they won’t. Positive thinking makes success more likely.
I still sometimes feel jinxed, and I hear the same things in my head that I heard my dad say, over and over again.
As if God is testing me, as if He has abandoned me. As if he will keep me afloat, but not let me do anymore than survive, which is stressful.
And that that is not fair.
Yet… do I really know best?
Perhaps, like my father, I’ve not been responsible enough with money to really warrant making more of it.
I’ve learned a lot more this year, and I do feel more ready to make wise choices financially once I go back to work.
Perhaps it’s that simple, God didn’t want to give me more when I wouldn’t be a good steward of it.
One thing He’s put in my head, many times in the last two years, is “he who is faithful with little will be faithful with much’ and “I have better things for you.”
Better than to settle for the same crap as before, I hope.
But have I been faithful?
I hope so. I try to be.
When I do have money, I do try to give and be generous with it. Not always maybe as much as I should, I’m never sure how much we should, but, I try.
Yet, the thing I keep thinking is, maybe God is not doing this to punish me.
My dad would say that, but I never believed it in his case.
He thought job success was proof God was pleased with Him, and anything less meant he was failing.
Well, he was failing, but not at working. He failed us at being a good father and husband. The areas he needed to grow.
I have learned more about stewarding my home and family this year, as I’ve had time to make improvements around my house and rally my family to do so also.
I got us all to start taking more notice of our grandma’s health, and to start thinking of saving money together as well, and I got us all to sell and get rid of the unneeded stuff so we had room for our things and don’t need the storage unit anymore.
I’ve cleaned more, rearranging more, and gotten more cost effective lighting options even for our rooms.
All in all, I’m proud of it. The house is almost a different place than it was last year.
All this is stuff my dad never did, and to be honest, I never used to do either. I might never have bothered to try if I was working more.
It has taken some of the pressure off my mom also, though she still has to do the heavy lifting financially for us. But by bringing more income and eliminating the storage unit cost, I feel I helped at least a little even if I couldn’t work. I did repay her for the money she loaned me for my car, almost all of it. Still have $900 to go.
I would love to do more, but, I can’t right now.
Still, I wasn’t useless. I wasn’t wasteful with what time I did have.
If God looks for us to make the most of what we have to work with, I hope that He is satisfied with my efforts.
I can’t tell you all where I will land on this, but this year has been crazy for everyone. Everyone I know has had problems this year, so I guess we’re all in this together.
Still, while I’m struggling, my spirit is not broken.
Not many people my age believe they will have a bright future.
I think it depends on what you go by.
While I find it hard to be optimistic about the state of the world in general, I know I don’t know everything.
God finds ways to bless people no matter what goes on in the world, somehow. That’s always been true if you read books by people of faith.
So my fate isn’t tied only to the world din generals, however much it feels like it.
Success may not look like what I wished, but I might still find it, in my way.
The clouds have silver lining.
I can’t know for sure if the end of next year will see me in a much better place or not, but, I can hope.
Even if it doesn’t, I hope I will have learned not to take it all personally, not to base worth on money, and not to blame myself for things I cannot control.
Wishing all of you the same, and a good holiday season, stay honest– Natasha
This month I’ve been asking myself why, since this year started and it seemed like every thing that could go wrong did go wrong, I turned so much to doing things to improve my household life.
(By the way, my car had to get repaired again. The ABS, the other big Prius thing that tends to break, went out. I hope at least now that the two big ones already failed, every other issue will be much smaller.)
I’ve been a Christina for 13 years, but even I’m not immune to the temptation Job had to question why God is allowing all this. since the year became 2025, it’s like some line of dominoes was pushed over to make one thing after another go wrong, and as soon as I deal with one problme, another one emerges. Like getting the ear infection to go finally, but it getting slightly reinfected because of allergies and also the hole in my ear not healing the way we hoped.
All of these things might seem small enough, if each of them was the only problem, but all together, when the costs amount to over $8,000, and my family’s total income is less than 100,000 even if you combined all 3 or 4 of us who make income…
Well, we’ve scraped by, but we’ve gone through a lot of emergency savings to do it. I mean, I guess they are for emergencies, but still.
For me, the funny thing is, even a single one of the crisis I’ve dealt with this year would have, 3 years ago, laid me out for weeks. Being anxious and depressed and afraid of the future.
I’ve felt as if I just don’t have the time to dwell on it. I still had to go to work. Now that I’m on vacation (sort of) for the Summer, I worried I would fall into that anxious habit again.
I’ve set myself daily talks to make sure I have something to focus on, which helps.
However, I also find that pull to fall into anxiety is less than it used to be.
Maybe I got tougher, because of all the stuff I had to go through to get it his point. Not sure.
Another thing is maybe, I learned to redirect my enegery.
I think we often try to stop being anxious in the passive way, we try to block it out the anxious thoughts, using mediation, or self affirmation…
But taking action is often the best way to fight any bad mood, especially fear.
I think that’s why reading “The Happiness Project” helped me so much two years ago. Up till then I was kind of just trying to escape anxiety the same way I always had, and it sometimes would work. Prayer, worship, and distraction are all valid ways to treat anxiety, and I can say without God, I would have never got this far.
Yet, I think God himself points us to needing to do more to fight off fear than to just wait for it to go away.
Once I started taking some small actions in regard to my happiness and control over my life, I was shocked by how different I felt.
It’s not even always about me feeling happy so much as feeling less helpless. Which for me, is the biggest source of unhappiness in my life.
I’m the kind of woman who had to feel like I can do something about my situation, in order to feel at peace about it. At least, without divine help to not need that, which, to be real, doesn’t always come, because I think God does want us to take action ourselves.
Nothing stresses me out like having no solution.
Which, come to think of it, might explain why my parents were never much help to me dealing with my fears when I grew up.
My mom’s go-to phrase when I had a problem and told her was: “I don’t know what to tell you.”
Or “I don’t know how to help.”
My dad’s go-to was to tell me how much worse he used to have it, or that he had the same problem….with no potential solution. Unless it was to just make fun of it.
Which is how he deals with every problem.
I am glad both my parents do also take practical steps to solve some issues, so though they never told me how to do this, I was able to glean some things from their examples.
However, I didn’t realize how much their attitude had affected me till the last few years. Until I started trying to take action, I never noticed how little I ever did before.
I believe I could have solved my anxiety issues as a child, even, if I ‘d know it then, and had the relationship with God I do now. You need both, but I think I would have suffered less even if it was just with the practical steps.
I can’t go into every single thing I learned, but here’s the biggest one, and this an did start with a revelation from God, appropriately enough.
Everyday life is the place I will find the most happiness.
I was lamenting my lack of accomplishment of my goals to God a couple years back, I remember this clearly because, though it was in my head, I knew the thought was not mine, it was too far from anything I’d been thinking at that time to be my own idea.
God, finally getting tired of listening to this, I imagine (I had complained to Him many times already) finally shot back with “You have a beautiful life.”
I say shot back, but it was actually a very gently made a point.
(God does not talk to me in a harsh voice, ever. I know there are people He can be firm with, but I think I never perceive it that way because I want tho so much as a kid with harsh parents, and God knows it would only push me back into that cycle to be spoken to that way.
Perhaps this sounds crazy to you if you’re not a Christian, but I’ve heard many others say that God speaks to them the way they can handle, s it’s not just me.)
And if you think that means that we’re just making it up…well, I know I can’t persuade you otherwise, but it seems odd to me that if I made it up, it would be such a new, unlike me thing to think. Make of that way you will.)
Anyway, after that sentence, a bunch of memories of the things I have that other people don’t have came into my mind.
I remember that I felt something shift after that moment. I didn’t usually get over all of my issues–and I have now, but when I get down about my life I think of that statement and I reflect on my blessings, I guess you could say. I don’t like to call it that because I think the cheesy cliche makes me people turn off their brains, but I suppose it’s what I’m doing.
One thing I sometimes think about is that for all the things I had to complain about, I’m never starving, or homeless, or lacking even in electricity, and clean water or clothing. The fact that I even have enough money to chastise myself for spending more than I should, means I’m blessed.
My car has been a problem, but I’ve had one when I needed it, even if it breaks a lot,and that has let me at least still work and do my church activities.
I have books and more movies tan I can read. I have enough free time to choose how I will spend it.
I have a cat.
I have family who loves me, even if they aren’t always the most helpful to me about things, and I have friends now.
Sure, there are things I had that gave me disadvantages. I had a father who didn’t financially plan very well and so we ended up always struggling for money and losing our house. I had a father who also abused me emotionally enough to give me a ton of issues.
All in all, like most people, my life is a mixed bag.
I don’t think God was telling me to think that everything was beautiful in my life when He said that.
But he was pointing out that in the moment I was being so negative, I was ignoring the fact that I had a bed, a house, two loving siblings, plenty of other basic needs, and a few luxuries, and other things in my life were changed for the better. And best of all, I no longer live with apron trying to tear me down constantly and threaten my safety.
And even though this year has sucked in many ways, I won’t tell you that nothing good has happened in it. The good things have been smaller and quieter, but they have been there.
And while financially, I’m still struggling to figure stuff out, at least I know that my family can help me if I end up falling short, and someone have no one but themselves.
I know people would kill to get what I have, even when I feel down about it.
My personal values are a wish to be independent, but that has not gotten granted to me at any time in my life. Maybe it never will be. It could be that God knows I’m better off knowing I need people.
Or perhaps, one day He will answer that prayer.
I’ve been reminded of the bible verse “He who is faithful with little with be faithful with much” a lot since last year. [Luke 10:16]
Perhaps I’m starting small to learn responsibility.
And I have to admit to you all, I was not very responsible with what I did have before. I didn’t have a savings account with my job before my current one. I spent more than I should. And I didn’t do a lot to take care of my house or contribute to the family.
That has changed a lot. And I feel more ready to have a house of my own because I’ve been taking care of the one I do live in now.
And in that, I do find joy.
Everyday life seems boring or people who always want to move onto the next big thing. I know because, I’m one of those people. I always dreamed big.
I didn’t do a lot to get ready for those dreams though. I always thought I didn’t have enough money and I didn’t have the money to go out and try things. My parents kind of kept me from being able to do that.
Even when I wanted to do outside things, like sports, or drama,or writing workshops, they with the financial support because either we couldn’t afford it, or, it was too much of a hassle, or I didn’t do enough to earn the support.
I think they really could have found a way to support me, if they’d looked into it, but…
Well, blaming them is probably no good.
However, that helped me feel like I could never pursue anything I wanted to do without enough money.
There are ways that’s true, but it’s also true that people have made so many free resources now, more than has ever be available to anyone throughout history, that we don’t realize the gold mine we’re sitting on top of, in the current century I can learn almost any skill online for free, within reason.
Instead of noticing this, I just felt bad about not having money for so long.
And instead of doing anything to change my household for the better, I just complained about it being arranged in a way I didn’t like.
I also felt useless, because all my skills seemed to be purely academic and I had nothing else to fall back on, so when that didn’t yield the reason I wanted, I got depressed.
Now I know that I do have some other skills, even if they ‘re not huge money makers, it’s good to know I could probably have options, if I need them.
My point is, everyday happiness is something we shouldn’t take for granted
Sometimes the old saying are old because they are true and people find them to be true.
People complain about everything now, and always have, but now they can spread it much farther. If I complain to my family, I only bring down the moods of 5 people, but if I post it online, I could bring down the moods of 5 million people, if I had enough of a following.
T’hat not healthy to do to others. Or ourselves.
I feel like these truths are obvious, but as usual, humans are weak to the temptation to do that.
So I can’t give you a formula that will help you fix it if you have that problem, being formulaic doesn’t work.
My best advice is to find something that makes you happier, and try to do that instead of indulging in complaints and negativity, even challenge yourself for one week, or three days, to stay off the thing that brings you down and for someone else. If you don’t see a change immediately, then, try something else, because who wants to stay unhappy?
And we all have problems to focus on, I know that. And unlike me, maybe yours are not something you can ignore (at least for a short period of time).
I think there are still ways to make it better, but I don’t want to be flippant about that situation.
My point is that, for most of us, we have it better than we think. Those of us who really have it bad, we should support and help them to get to a better place. I’m thankful for all the people who helps me, the help wasn’t always perfect, but it was there.
Even my parents, will all our problems, have helped me many times. Even parent who add to your issues can sometimes be part of the solution.
So life is a mixed bag in every sense.
I hope some of this was helpful, I’m trying to make it a bit shorter and more to the point, one of my new resolutions is to try to improve my time management, and blogging shorter and more focused posts would help me with that.
(This post actually will work for non-Christians also, common sense is common sense.)
Hello all, today I’m writing about something because I’ve noticed a growing need for it in the modern Western church–and also, just everywhere.
Anyone notice the distinct lack of common sense advice?
I mean…not just common sense itself in younger people. I think that’s really exaggerated by the older generation to be worse than it is. But…where is the real advice?
Just on my personal experience asking for counsel from older people, I can count the amount of times it was helpful on one hand. The amount of times people give me some over spiritulized bull crap are endless.
And it’s not just me. Now that I’m an adult myself and have been doing ministry with kids and youth for many years, (and I noticed this white I was still young enough to be a student in those ministries too), I’ve noticed that kids are really crying out, literally in some cases, for some real life advice.
My generation (Zillenials and under) is really starved for direction. We’ve been pushed so many different ways, and the older generation has abandoned us by and large.
My father literally abandoned me, emotionally speaking, as a pre-teen.
And I don’t mean I just felt sad, I mean he literally told me he didn’t want to parent me anymore…multiple times.
Didn’t stop him from lecturing me about stuff at didn’t matter that much, but there you go.
But my personal issues aside, I feel like the older generation as a whole has just taken the same approach with everyone my age. Not just in America either, I think it’s all over the first world now.
And us being alone has led to us raise our own kids in a very overly permissive way. Some of these millennial parent videos are truly terrifying.
However…I mean…can you blame them for being lost? Most people’s current idea of childcare comes from these college psych classes. And not only is psych constantly being changed by the “experts”, it’s also a lot of bull crap for the most part when it comes to child rearing, based on what I’ve seen taught versus what I know actually works in real life.
There’s some good advice out there, but nothing beats practical experience or hearing it right from the people who raised you. And that’s what we’re missing now.
But in fairness to tho older generations, we did stop listening to them, also. There’s blame on both sides.
But assigning blame is not really my focus today, I’m just pointing out the problem.
Because of the generational divide, I’ve seen many well meaning people in their 40s and up try to give advice to us “kids” and it not go very well.
I mean, it’s not that kids are offended by it, it just doesn’t address their real issue.
Case in point, a couple days ago I was at a youth group where I volunteer interpret for one deaf student sometimes, and a different student asked a question about knowing who is and is not authentic in life and relationships.
I could tell the kid meant that he wanted to know how to spot this even outside of church activities, because honestly, people put on their best behavior at church.
The leader giving the message, who was in his 50s or 60s, answered something about how to tell at church, I can’t even really remember it now because it didn’t really make a lot of sense.
The kid was nodding but I could tell he didn’t really get the answer he wanted.
So I raised my hand and said “I agree with (insert leader’s name) but maybe you were wondering more about practical ways outside of church?”
And the kid nodded gratefully.
To which I gave him my two best tips for knowing a person’s real character:
See how they treat their family.
See how they handle conflict.
Both of these methods have never failed me to sort out who is trustworthy. But of course, you need time to get a chance to witness both those things.
Which is why I never assume I can trust someone after meeting them only a few times.
Also growing up with a narcissistic/BPD person, I know how much people can turn it on if they have someone to impress.
Anyway, I think the kid appreciated it.
I also talk to my Sunday School class of 4th-5th graders in a very similar way. I tell them often that even though their kids they deal with real life stuff the same way as adults do and I’m aware of that. So they need me to give them real talk.
Not harshly, of course, you still have to be sensitive to the fact that they are kids, but kids know the difference between real and harsh. They’re very good at that.
So, it’s good to be aware of this before anyone tries to take my advice and use it as a reason to “lecture” kids about the harsh realities of life.
Beleive me, any child who’s been exposed to the internet already knows life is hard. That is not what I’m suggesting we tell them.
What they want now is answers. What do we do about it?
Too much content for young people now is just telling them it’s a hopeless mess.
Like that’s really what we need to hear.
I can’t even watch wholesome content now without finding comments under it debunking it, because bitter people love to spread it around. “Misery loves company” is the old saying.
So, what do we do?
Those of us who have at least somewhat started to navigate our lives successful need to spot the BS to other people about it.
Frankly, Jan, I’m not really interested in you telling me “It’s all because of God’s goodness.”
Look, I do absolutely believe in God’s goodness. I know that God answers prayers…but if I’m asking you for advice on how to get what you got in life, I don’t want to hear that it’s all God’s goodness.
Because, that doesn’t help. God is good to everyone…but He does expect us to do work for ourselves. That’s in the Bible, FYI. Check out Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and James. And most of the rest of the New Testament.
Here’s a fun little story to illustrate:
Jesus once was asked by the religious leaders why his disciples picked food from the wheat fields on the sabbath, because they were hungry.
He defended their right to do this, and called out the leaders for their self righteous attitude.
But interesting to note that Jesus also was able to feed 5,000 people with a few loaves of bread. So, couldn’t he have just made food for them?
But often the Gospels mention the Disciples arguing over food or needing to get food from other people. So…
Jesus probably also worked as a carpenter at least for a some of his adult life before he started ministry, since it was what was done.
The point of this story is that Jesus supported practical solutions, and working for things, not just expecting everything to get handed to you.
And that was the son of God.
So, we can assume that this goes even more for all of us.
It’s funny how people born in the Church and out of it, often act like God should do even for us.
Uh, hello, who made the world? Who made the things in it that we use to survive? Who gave us life?
God did give us everything, but He would like us to be able to use it ourselves.
How many parents would like to buy clothes for their kid and still have to dress them when they’re 10 years old? Some would, but most of us would agree at a certain point, you expect someone to use what you give them without your help.
Granted, God still has to direct our lives even so, but we need to at latest try to take steps.
I’m currently looking for a new job (not because I was laid off but because I feel like it’s time for a chance), and I may not find one as soon as I want, or explain what I want, but, I believe in at least trying to learn what’s out there and prepare for it.
I think God will decide why I actually end up doing, but I’ve tried sitting and doing nothing before…didn’t work. God only rewarded me when I started trying to improve my skills.
See whining about it didn’t get me anything with God, and I think He even told me as much at times when I would pray. Or maybe, I just knew deep down already.
And if I’ve learned one thing in the last 2 years, it’s that wisdom is often practical, more than spiritual.
I actually believe there’s really no difference. I think the fact that we make spiritual things sound weird and watery is just proof we really don’t understand them. The Bible portrayed them as quite real and subject to rules and oddities as much as material things tend to be. More so even.
I can’t cover every situation here in one post, but I think I can give a few more examples of areas we need real advice in. And if anyone wants to comment further on it, I’d love to read it.
So I mentioned relations already.
Another question young people often have is:
“When should I start dating?”
And I’m probably not the best person to answer this because I’ve barely been on internet dates which didn’t go so well.
I mean, you should start by finding someone who wants to date you.
If you already have that, you’re ahead of me.
But I have seen myself grow in maturity over the years and I do have a better idea than I did what makes someone ready to date. And I wasn’t ready before.
I think I’m ready currently, but maybe the man isn’t…stuff like that can happen.
Anyway, pro tip for this, young people (and older people really) is to check your motives and check how you handle responsibility.
There is no one size fits all to dating, or love. People get together at all levels of maturity.
Which is probably the best advice anyone could give you. Don’t assume what works for everyone else will work for you.
However, you should seek out people’s stories that are similar to yours, because that is more likely to help you.
For me, I find the stories of people who waited a long time to date often hold more wisdom that applies to my life. Such as the best use of your time as a single person, trying to find fulfillment in friendship and in God, and not making your whole identity about being single.
Which is good advice even for people already dating too.
Also, not settling for someone mediocre.
However, high standards should be worthile.
Me, as a woman, I don’t create really about height. I really don’t get why so many girls obsess over it. I doubt as many really do as media implies.
I also think money is sort of a mid-range thing to care about. It does matter, and a man should be willing to work hard, but if you want a guy who’s not obsessed with money and who will pay attention to you, you have to figure he may not be as well off and you may not be able to afford as many things.
This is the kind of thing that I think helps the most with deciding who you’d be good with. Ask yourself what you really want in life, and if it would really make you happy. Often it’s not what we think.
Also watch out for wanting traits in someone that would only make your life easier, not necessarily better.
This actually goes more for men, I think. I’ve seen so many guys who really have no clue what they want in a woman other than someone who’d be nice to them.
And gentlemen…nice is not always the best thing.
But neither is putting up with a woman who bullies you just be she’s hot or because you figure you can’t get better (same for girls, but I feel like we’re less likely to do this nowadays.)
Honestly, being bullied is just another way of taking the easy way out. Easier to let a woman (or man) push you around than to stand up for yourself and grow as a person enough to maybe make her angry.
Strong minded women actually hate this in a man, and in other women, but will exploit it, human nature is like that.
I think a woman should be respectful to a man…not because I have some weird idea of submission in the sense of not having any personal rights as a woman, but because I think everyone should be respected. Why is that so hard to get across nowadays?
One thing I make sure not to do is talk down about men to them, or behind their backs, unless it’s to my family who I know wont repeat it. Sure, we need to blow off steam sometimes, but even then I’m not tearing the guys apart, just willing to discuss things that I find awkward or uncomfortable, or that I like about them.
But just bashing on men is not something I do, and I don’t do it with women either. I feel like if I wouldn’t want them to do it to me, I shouldn’t do it to them.
Honestly, even if I know someone talked about me behind my back, I don’t do the same to them, because who knows if I will end up being the one held accountable for it and they won’t. Sure, that’s not fair, but why would I take the chance?
This is another good practical tip, by the way, boys and girls. Don’t trash talk anyone you know to anyone else they know if you don’t want it to get back to them. It almost always will.
I do utilize finding out which people gossip about me as a way to know never to tell them anything about me, or rely on them, but, not to get revenge. That’s just smart, I think.
Don’t leave yourself wide open for people to punch, but don’t start a fight either.
All right, I think I have time for a few more common situations where people want practical advice, and then I’ll have to continue this in a different post.
Another example from real life is a young man asked me and my sister about how to handle his relationship with God changing after getting married and working more.
He was a newer christian and he said he didn’t feel it as much as he used to.
Apparently, no one told him this was normal.
The first passion for anything dies, eventually.
It’s like when I start a new book. I always enjoy the being a lot, and then about the middle I get burnout…but I usually finish strong. That’s how life is, the middle part tends to be the most boring. (I mean, of anything you do, not of your life itself.)
My sister and I told him practical things to do about it.
For one thing, being married is a lot like for us with sharing space with so many people. Even if you love them, you’ll get tired of each other.
So it’s important to give each other space to be alone.
And me, honestly, as the one who wants to spend the most time together out of my whole family of introverted people, kind of gets why it can be hard on the more energetic person to give space.
My sisters learned to accommodate my wishes to spend time together by having set times we could devote to stuff I like doing, and I learned to accommodate them by giving them warning in advance of when I want to do that stuff so they can mentally prepare. It doesn’t always work like a charm, but it works for us.
So this is the kind of thing we told this guy. That and that as long as he’s still serving God and spending time in the word, and praying, he should not worry if it’s not as easy as it used to be.
And if you are a new Christian reading this by any chance, it will happen to you too. But don’t worry. All of us go through it, and it passes. Usually, you get close to God at the end of it, if you just stick it out.
When I was a new Christian, it helped me to see the dullness and blandness as just part of the fight to stay close to God. That was my present cross to bear.
And as a Christian of over 10 years now, I think I even prefer it this way. Emotional highs exhaust me, I’m not a naturally emotional person. I have feelings, but they tend to be trigger by certain things only. I don’t just go from emotion to emotion all day like some people I know.
But hey, my father is highly emotional and I wouldn’t want to be him, it seems miserable to me.
Some people can be highly emotional and still be happy, but I think it makes it harder to exert self control, so maybe I’m happier the way I am now. To each their own. It’s fine to be either way, but don’t assume that because you’re less emotional, you’re less passionate about your faith.
Or that you don’t love people in your life. Love is action and prioritizing someone, even if you don’t feel like it.
I’m remind of Leonard and Penny from the Big Bang Theory. I think they’re toxic most of the time, but one thing you can say is that they don’t stay in the infatuation phase, but they keep working on their relationship after that point. Even to where they ask Sheldon to make them a relationship hip agreement so they can improve.
While I find the show stupid in many ways, I do think the writers were onto something with that idea. Love is about deciding what you give and take in a relationship, and doing it without being demanding or whiny or domineering. And if it is one-sided, you decide if you’re in it for the long haul.
I can’t go into every aspect of relationships here, just touching on a few things I’ve heard asked about a lot. We’d be here for years if I tried to tackle everything, which I’m not qualified to do anyway.
Let’s see…what else could I cover?
Oh yeah, here’s a good one.
How do you know your purpose?
My life group actually talked about this in the last week, but I didn’t feel like it really answered the question well.
We were focusing on talents.
Let me tell you all the hard truth.
Your talents do not always guide you to your purpose.
Now, many times, they do. But not always in a way you recognize as such.
I ended up doing work I didn’t expect to be good at because I assumed my talents were elsewhere, and I found out I have more talents than I expected, but honestly, my success is me just knowing how to use my talents to make anything I do work for me.
There will be some jobs I won’t be able to do, even using that method, but it does open up a lot of possibilities for me, because I don’t limit myself just on my obvious talents.
Like I’m good at drama and writing, and public speaking. I’m also good at remembering stuff.
I was not good at organizing things as a kid or teen.
But I’ve gotten better it because I used my skills at learning to pick it up bit by bit, and I used my talents as a people person to get other people on board.
See, talents point you to certain careers that seem obvious, but often you don’t realize that they can work in other areas of life, just in a different way.
You’ll see that with ministry too. Often people are good at a variety of things and don’t think they’ll fit a ministry, but then it works for them because they do it their way.
So when it comes to finding your purpose, I’d say, don’t do what many people do and wait for it to hit you one day.
There is no one foolproof way to find fyour purpose. All I know is that God gives it to us, in His own time.
“In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)
For some of us, God gives us what we want. If we commit it to him, or, even if we don’t. He’s not a cruel God.
For others, God keeps us very closely dependent on Him, and we have many twists and turns.
I think that for each of us, it comes down to both on our wisdom to let God lead, and what God thinks will suit each of us.
[Let Mercy Lead– Rich Mullins]
Even if you don’t acknowledge God, you probably can agree that the same path doesn’t work for all people.
That said, there are some things you can do to get ready for your purpose:
If you do have talent, develop it. Either privately or professionally. It can’t hurt to get good at it. Usually there is some use for it even if your career ends up elsewhere.
Don’t be afraid to try different things even if you don’t think they’re your destiny. The skills you learn in one place often can help you in another place.
Like how babysitting helped me prepare for dealing with customers, because no one can be as rude to you as a spoiled child can.
Even if you do what I did, and pick bad jobs at first because you don’t know better, it will teach you what to avoid in the future.
I recommend you try to start working as soon as you can. Even if it’s volunteer (you can use that on your resume, if you don’t say it was volunteer.)
And, learn how to interview. A lot of Youtube channel and websites now post ways to sound better in an interview and how to answer tough questions. I’m sure the corporate world will update their method soon because too many people are going to take advantage of it, but the skill of learning to asses a situation and talk the right way should still helping you even if the game changes, because the point is you are learning to adapt.
Also I find that learning how to talk professionally helped me in other areas of my life, not just work. It gave me more self respect.
Another thing: do things around the house and volunteer.
The best cure for feeling like you have no purpose is give into someone else’s life. Donate clothes, clean up something, serve at a soup kitchen, get involved in your church outreach.
This also cures depression in many cases. I felt much less depressed when I became more active in other people’s lives. I now am not depressed at all.
If you have high anxiety, I encourage you to just do the stuff anyway. Anxiety only gets better when you face your fears and it starts feeling less new to you.
Also, while anti-anxiety techniques did help me somewhat, finding other tasks to focus on did way more to cure my negative thoughts than breathing exercises and grounding did. They can help but I think they’re better when used with other distractions.
I also say avoid medication unless it’s completely necessary and you’ve tried other methods first. I was pressured to take meds for my issues but I ended up not needing them, and if I’d taken them, it would have caused other problems that would have been worse probably than my anxiety and depression were.
Also, and this is important, do not use marijuana.
I swear, everyone I know who vapes or smokes is a mess emotionally and has a disorganized life, because honestly, it weakens your brain.
Most of the people I know who are getting off those substances are doing better since they did and feeling more in control of their lives.
It’s a quick fix that doesn’t really fix anything.
You may think this has nothing to do with finding your purpose, but it does.
Stuff that steals your joy, or even your anger, or sadness, often steals your ability to be satisfied by what you do also. Striving to feel nothing, or to feel mellow all the time, cuts off growing success.
We shouldn’t be struggling just to stay average, we should be thriving. That’s why I’m against quick fix methods. They seem easier but they really steal your whole ability to get past the problem at all.
Another method for finding your purpose is being willing to take an interest in other people. Learn about many different things. Talk to people about what they do. Who knows, you might find something you like.
But all in all, I think it’s good advice to not worry about it so much. I think we find our purpose when we stop focusing on it and ourselves and start focusing on making the lives of the people around us better.
All right, I think that’s all I got for now.
It was fun tackling some big questions but there are lots more I could cover.
If you want to leave ideas down below, I’d love to hear what other people are worrying and wondering about besides me and my own social circle.
I kind of feel like this is all survival skills for life that I’m picking up as I go. Though maybe once upon a time, most people knew this. The digital age made us lose ourselves so much. Le sigh.
I had to read this book for Literature class last year called “Esperanza Rising”.
I liked it, though I saw many people did not care for the main character, but to me, the story was relatable in many ways.
I’m not Mexican, nor am I an immigrant, but nonetheless, the themes of Esperanza feeling like she must support her mother and be “la patrona” reminded me of the transition I went through at 20 when my father moved out.
My sisters and I wanted him gone. We no longer felt safe with him around (I wonder now if I ever felt safe around him, even as a small child).
Still, having a parent leave was like yanking a pillar out from under us, in some ways.
My father was never the most emotional stable or mature person,so it was odd to me that him leaving shook us up so much. When he was around, he spent most of his time ignoring us and a good portion of the rest of it tormenting us for kicks or because he was taking out his frustrations of the day on whoever was available.
Not a reassuring person.
It’s strange how even a bad father can still sem like a staple of your life. Even his presence alone can change ow you feel, though he may be mostly checked out of your life.
I guess our dad controlled our household ymanic. We might have hated it, but we couldn’t avoid it.
We lived around him being home and getting around his moods and whims. He’d sometimes have family meetings whenever he wanted to change something.
Often the change didn’t last, but we had to be there. And he didn’t like to wait.
I sometimes got my way in the house by getting dad on my side, if it was something I knew he’d approve of. That’s how I got chickens and ow we go out garden started.
I really did the hard part, but my dad’s insist was what go my mom to get going on it.
My dad literally would tell me sever times that my mom had to be dragged into things “kicking and screaming”.
Not the nicst way to talk about your wife, I thought.
Me and my dad are go-getters. We are the people who initiate things.
However, a trait I had that my father seems only to have in small amounts, is the ability to plan and execute efficiently.
My father can start a basic idea, like a business, or suggest a backyard garden. And he will take some steps to bring it about. Like print fliers and canvassing from door to door, or paying for chickens or the coop etc.
But after that he’ll run out of juice. His business was always very disorganized and he struggles to find consistent help for it. He made few improvements to it over time and then wondered why he lost so much of it with the recession and other issues.
Knowing what I do now, I could probably help him fix some of it, and I’ve made some suggestions, but he is reluctant to listen to me, a 26 year old who’s never owned a business.
My Dad is very good at marketing. Whatever parts of a job involve that, he’ll excel at. He also is good at acquiring some skills of the trade.
But polishing it, and knowing how to adapt to a changing audience and methodology is not his strong point. (I’m trying to illustrate how I think I diverged from this.)
From as far back as getting a dog, I remember taking over family projects. My parents talked about getting one, but my mom wouldn’t sit down and start looking into it till I pushed for it and got my father on my side.
This started long before my father recognized the power struggle in our family was coming down to between me and him.
His words, by the way.
He later, once I was a teenager, would say I was trying to turn my sisters against him. Which wasn’t even true because for many years I barely said anything about our issues to them because he didn’t like it and I didn’t think they were on my side anyway.
When I switched churches he made me promise not to influence either of them to leave his church. I didn’t outright tell them to, but they came to me of their own accord to say they don’t like it and wanted to leave and of course, I told them to do what they thought was right but I wouldn’t say 100% to leave (keeping my word.)
But they knew what I thought and they had already agreed with it for years, so once they were old enough, they left.
After my dad moved out my mom left it too. I wasn’t surprised, I knew she didn’t like it either.
The funny thing is my dad knew all of us didn’t like his church but had no issue forcing us all to go, and even when my mom had tried to find an alternative, he manipulated her into staying by having big emotional argument about everyone going to the same church as the man of the house, or he didn’t have proper authority.
I now think this is a stuipd argument. Though it’s best if everyone goes to the same church at least while you have young kids, I think a mature family can work through it if they have slightly different preferences. As long as everyone believes in the same basic things, I really don’t care if you prefer charismatic or traditional church style.
But I digress.
Since I left first,my dad blamed me, but really if he hadn’t forced me to go in the first place, it wouldn’t have happened. And for ages after I switched, he made constant digs about me “missing a great time” at his church. And if I ever had an issue with my church, he’d say “I wouldn’t go back” after that.
He visited I once (after he had a falling out with his pastor), and didn’t like it.
Anyway, the funny part is he left his church after COVID anyway, since he didn’t agree with the Pastor so way of handling it. I didn’t agree with my pastor fully either, but I thought it wasn’t any reason to leave. I had community there.
Does this paint a picture of how my father and I are different? Good.
And why am I bringing this up?
Well, it’s complicated, but the idea I’ve circled around in the last 6 years is that once my dad moved out, even before that maybe, I was pushed into the role of head of the family.
La patrona, as the Mexicans called it in the book.
My dad left a hole in our lives that felt like a vacuum. All the energy we sent avoiding pising him off now had no object.
To be honest, for the first year, we fought with each other a lot. We were addicted to the drama and we didn’t know how to function without it. I remember a lot of the fights now as pretty stupid ones but they seemed legitimate at the time because they were similar to the ones we had with him.
My mom had a hard time keeping it together, as she became the main provider for the family (though my dad did provide some support) and had three daughters who were emotional wrecks.
I handled it better at first and then months in my physical and mental health broke down. Thankfully, by then my other two sisters were a little more recovered and were able to support me through a darker time.
Then I climbed out of that, with help from God and friends and family, and began to build my new life with other my father in it.
But even in those times, I still very much seemed to fulfill the role of head of the family.
I pushed for more and more changes. Like I started to work on de-cluttering our house, implement new systems for homeschooling my youngest sister, finding ways to organize who did what around the house.
Not all of it stuck, but we made progress.
I don’t do it alone, my sisters certainly help and my mom still does most of the financial heavy lifting.
But leading the family is not the same as providing for it. I found out. I may not contribute as much money but when anything needs to be done, I tend to be the one to push for it.
Like getting our pets taken to the vet when they clearly need it. Didn’t happen till I pushed for it.
Adopting two new cats, I pushed for it till I got my way.
And just the other week I organized my family into cleaning and organizing our garage which has been needed since we moved in, honestly, but my Grandma would never do it. And couldn’t even do it, since she can’t lift heavy stuff anymore.
My mom’s talked about it, but admitted that she probably wouldn’t have thought it out the way I did.
I came up with a strategy, to take one section per day, clear it out, sweep, dust, disinfect, and the put stuff back in a more organized way and throw out what we didn’t need, or recycle it.
After the first two days I also designated spaces for stuff we were going to take to E-waste, or hazardous waste.
I enlisted my family to help based around when they were working, since I had the week off. It was mostly between me and my sister who doesn’t have a job yet, but my mom and other sister pitched in based on their schedules and we got the thing done in 6 days, taking one day off because we were so bushed.
If you could see what it looked like before, you’d be amazed 6 days was enough. And that included moving a lot of the furniture out of it, then back in in a different order, moving some heavy cabinets and shelves to a new spot and then clearing out every spider infested corner.
It’s not a pretty looking room now, but we can walk in it, which we barely could before, and we have a lot more open space, and will have even more after we have a yard sale and get rid of the hazardous waste.
I noticed something about myself while planning and overseeing this project.
One thing is that I didn’t do it the way my dad would have.
Sure, he would have pitched the idea and insisted we do it, he probably would have even helped…but I remember how it went when we moved and the same thing happened.
Stress, tears, and a lot of arguing. Also a lot of getting mad at us girls for not helping the way he wanted.
There was some arguing this time but only because my Grandmother didn’t want to get rid of literal trash or stuff she’d never even used (and she didn’t even buy it, it was left there by other people who lived in the house).
My grandma is a hoarder, unfortunately, so that I got her to agree to let go of any of it was a small wonder in of itself.
But I have learned something that my father never did, which was that if I pitch something a certain way, I get better results.
(At least if my father knows this, he only uses it in business. With personal stuff he just scares people into submission.)
But I don’t like to do that.
So I thought my Grandma would be more willing to get rid of the stuff if it was for a yard sale, which is going to raise money to cover my car expenses.
My grandma is a kind person who will help you out if she can, but she lacks imagination.
That being said, she’s willing to help us out but often had no clue where to begin. So, I came up with this idea.
Though, we did have some arguments ensue even so…but we worked around it.
It was a lesson for me too in what my family is best suited for. If I need someone to work fast and get rid of the most stuff, my mom is better. If I need someone to sort things out with details, my younger sister is better. If I need someone to just help me move things I can’t do by myself, my middle sister is best.
And they all admitted upfront that I was the only one with a clue how to organize everything, or a vision. My mom and my middle sister are both neat people (far more than I am, ironically) but they don’t have a lot of creativity when it comes to arranging stuff efficiently.
I’ve already made lot of changes around the house that maximized our space with very little effort, and they would never have done it, but they adapted to the new arrangement with gratitude.
Makes all our lives a bit easier.
But another thing I took over(to be honest, long before my dad moved out) was emotional health.
I am the first person to pick up on if anyone is not feeling well or is upset in my household. And usually the person who jumps to do anything to comfort them.
I remember I started helped my youngest sister deal with her nightmares or fear of the dark once my mom stopped doing anything about it.
I talk to my sisters about their dreams and problems, and my mom also. They don’t always listen to my advice, but I’m there.
I’ve never considered myself to be a very sympathetic person, it’s mostly been trial and error for me to learn how to help, but I know that if I don’t pick up on it, half the time, no one else will.
Right after my dad left, I was dealing with the emotional outbursts and mood swings almost every day because my mom was at work and I didn’t currently have a job…it was not fun.
But we got through it somehow.
Now I mediate stuff even between my dad and the rest of my family…Which is the crowning irony after he made it out like I was the one turning them against him.
Which he’s never apologized for saying or taken back, I doubt he remembers saying it now.
I think I started doing this stuff when I was a teenager, maybe younger, and once my dad left, it just became official.
And running all these projects, I’ve learned to compliment them and ask for their help respectfully, instead of doing what my dad did and bossing everyone around and berating them for not doing it fast enough.
I noticed a difference between myself and my dad when my sister was doing something that I didn’t really want her to do yet, and I said “I appreciate that you’re doing this, really, but right now I need this done faster because we have limited daylight.”
And she stopped and helped me, no issues.
And the funny thing is, I didn’t even really think of it as being a different way to handle it till I remembered that my father would never have said that to any of us.
I mean literally, never could I even imagine him using that approach. It would have been: “Come help me do this” at best and angrily saying “What are you doing that for? you’re supposed to be doing this” more often.
I also made sure they had breaks and tried to overlap so that someone could rest (including myself) and someone else tagged in.
Another thing my Dad never did. He once yelled at me for being lazy and told me to get off my “ass” (his words) when I was resting from moving stuff into our new house.
And that’s just one example.
But you know, I used to be way more like that. I used to talk to my family a lot like my dad did.
Till I realized that I sounded just like him, and I began to consciously choose to be kinder and more respect.
And I found that I really felt that way.
Doing the right thing actually felt pretty easy for me, because I’ve practiced the skills of guiding people more nicely and motivating them without threats.
I think that my family agreed with me that it needs to be done, but I’ve motivated them to do stuff they didn’t think about at first also, with the same method.
I felt weird about it at first though. Like, am I managing my own family? Is that really my job?
And I realized that parents do it all the time, but since I’m not a parent, I didn’t think of it in that light.
Of course, you may think it’s kind of sad that I, the oldest child, am in this role, instead of my mother, or my father.
And if I was honest, there are times I feel like I’m not getting fair treatment. Frankly, my emotional needs are often overlooked in my household because I’m the strongest personality. If I don’t spell it out for them, they will just not notice I’m upset.
But I notice even if they don’t tell me.
The price of being the most sensitive person is that you are usually giving out more than you’re getting in many situations.
There are things they do better than me. And more of. I do have shortcomings.
But it’s not want to say I kept the family together. I don’t think any of the rest of them would have or could have done what I did. Or still do.
To the point where I worry about moving out because I wonder who will take over. I hope that by then they’ll be more independent and it wont be as necessary. I know I can’t do this forever.
Some people would probably hate it. I don’t hate it. I like feeling like I can take care of people, and like I have an important role in the house.
I do resent it sometimes. I think all of us at times feel under appreciated and like we do more than we should have to.
And I dream of a day where I could live with someone who would want to put in as much as I do. I find it hard to picture. I know that my family is just not wired that way, thanks to years of abusive cycles.
We’re still way better than we used to be…but it may never be my ideal. I may have to start my own family to make that happen.
And it’s not that I expect perfection, (in case you’re getting that idea). I expect there will be tantrums and issues and fights even if I have my own family, I know my husband and I will not always agree.
But my wish is that it will be on my terms, that I can work out things without someone shutting me down or shutting me out, and that I can know we’ll at least have the same goal. Something I’m not sure of in my current household.
The one good thing about marriage is that you do get to pick your spouse, you can choose someone who has the same vision as you, you don’t get to choose your kids or anyone else in your family except them, so you need to choose wisely.
I think it will be good practice having run my current household.
The funny thing was, my dad always said from when I was a kid that Was the most mature one. More so than him. (Red flag by the way. A parent should never say that to a kid.)
I knew it was not true probably when I was 7 or 8…by the time I was 15 it was true. And by the time I was 20, it was saddeningly true. And now, it’s almost ridiculously true.
I’ve matured so much that I don’t really need my father anymore. I don’t mean this in a defiant way. I mean that I literally don’t need him. When we talk, there is nothing at all I feel like he can tell me or do for me, expect help out a little with money, that I can’t do better myself or find a better source for.
He seems like a small person in a way to me. I think love makes people seem larger when they do it well, but when they are selfish it makes them seem small, if you’re not under their control.
Since he lost his control of my life, I’ve flourished, though I’ve made mistakes and had dark days…but I’d never go back.
He was holding me back at 20, to be honest, and he’d really hold me back now.
That is not to say I’ve abandoned my father. I don’t plan to do that…but I know it’s never going to be the same…and I hope to goodness it’s never even close.
My family is aware of my position, but they really don’t like to acknowledge it. I think, in a way, it embarrassed them that so much got put on my shoulders. They don’t often thank me for it.
I’m hurt by this sometimes, but then I remember that it’s partly because the situation is so messed up that they find it hard to talk about. They’re glad I’m there, but if they try to face it, they fear it will crumble on them. Maybe sometime they’ll be ready to talk about it.
And I really don’t want constant affirmation about it, I find it awkward to think about too.
They have surprised me too, I’m not saying it’s one sided. But the power balance always has been in my favor
My dad became a self fulfilling prophecy. He also told me I was more mature then him, it’ll it became ture. He said I was trying to take care of the same from him, until he basically handed it to me by default.
I remember that he told me “you win” when he left.
I wan’t trying to win…but I was trying to protect my sisters and my mother from what I feared was going to be the same treatment I already got, or worse. It was turning into it before he left.
I played my dad masterfully to get him out of the house, and I didn’t even do it on purpose. I think God must have guided our actions, because we just went on blind instinct and it made our dad more and more angry till he exploded at my mom enough for us to point out to her how out of control the situation was.
I have to appreciate my mom for stepping up also. She’s not always been the perfect mom, but we certainly couldn’t have done it without her and she’s at least tried to change. Which is more than my father has.
I’ve learned that you get what you get, with your family. You can wish they were different, but to be honest, don’t you think they wish you were different too?
I know that my family finds me a little too driven and too pushy for comfort…and I try to rein it in, but I can’t always go with the flow either.
Family is just a balancing act, like most things. And I’m okay with that now, I wasn’t always.
So I’ve learned to accept things and not let them ruin my happiness.
I think I sound like a much older woman than I am, because of the responsibilities I had to take up…but you know, after I listen to my generation talking about how they feel like they have no purpose,and whine about every little hardship, and lack the basic skills to manage their own lives…I think I might have been Lucky.
Maybe God used all this to spare me from becoming someone with a victim mentality…which is the worst torture of all, though they don’t see it as such while they’re in it.
Sure, I would like to play the victim card sometimes, but…I know I shouldn’t. Society makes it easy for me to, but I try not to give in.
See, on this blog I can come to show only my good side, or I could do what many people do, and gripe about my flaws and struggles only, without ever balancing it out with my success.
I don’t think either extreme is really helpful to people or realistic. We all have our Ws, and our Ls. Our highs and our lows.
My story is unique, but that doesn’t mean other people can’t see themselves in it.
I don’t know how many people could do what I did, you’d have to have the circumstances line up the right way for it.
But you can generally do something, even if it’s small, to improve your life and take some control over it.
I find little changes lead to bigger ones.
And big changes often happen very fast and feel uncomfortable, till we get used to them.
My point in all this is that becoming the head of the family is the role that I grew into because of circumstances, and then in it, I found joy and the satisfaction of learning some of my own strengths, as well as weaknesses.
So whatever your thing is, your situation, your opportunity, I encourage you to make the most of it. Often the present is just a stepping stone to the future. Even if you don’t have the opportunities you want now, you may be able to get there if you use the ones you do have.
I try not to complain too much, but I have the usual things. Traffic, weather.
I have cut down on complaining by listening to stuff during traffic, so I don’t get as impatient. Sometimes when I’m in the groove, I’m almost sorry it’s over.
I think though, that my biggest complaints have been about people treating me in a belittling way, or like I’m wrong.
I have fairly good judgment (with some exceptions) and it annoys me to no end when people act like I’m not informed on something or not thinking about it the right way.
The car incident being the latest example of this.
Everybody said I was overthinking the problem. That it was fine. That it was just the car’s quirks.
Even the mechanic said that.
But they were wrong. And I almost listened to them.
Taking people’s advice is nothing I have a problem with. I ask for it all the time. But I always weigh the different advice I get against my own judgment and what sounds right. What feels right. Or what matches my faith.
I’m not really the type of Christian who takes the “It will all work out in the end even if we do nothing” approach to life. I don’t really think it’s a biblical approach, in most cases. Religion is not an excuse to be inactive.
I do recognize some things are out of my control.
But here’s one hard truth that not everyone is ready to hear:
Sometimes, you assume things are outside your control because you’ve grown up around people who just accept problems and never change them.
I realized the difference between myself and my parents over the last 6 years. Ever since my dad moved out.
I don’t complain about anything unless I intend to find a solution for it. If I accept it the way it is, there’s no point to complaining.
Grwoing up, neither o f my parents modeld that.
My dad complains about everything. Money, church, weather, his friends, his family.
Other than weather, all of those things are ones you can affect directly.
And I got real sick of hearing it even as an 11 year old, about when I realized it was kind of on him.
It was like, if you don’t like your relationship with your family so much, do something about it. Do something else to earn money.
He did eventually, but he complained for years before he finally came to that conclusion. I would have done it immediately. I know because I do it now as soon as I have a problem.
Churches can be changed (he did that too, still complains though, and he’s done it again even since he moved out, though he told us the church he was going to when he left was the best one).
And then all the either, little, petty things that he would get mad about.
The house being messy, but he never cleaned it, his areas were some of the most messy.
That type of thing.
Still, my dad is more proactive than my mom, and f I had to guess I get that trait from his side of the family more than hers.
With her, while she’s a nice lady, she doesn’t really fix problems. She just tries to work around them.
With my dad for one thing.
And with a lot of other stuff, she just takes the L.
Stressful work sitations.
Health issues.
I mean not always. We’re not totally out of touch. But it’s more often than not, basically.
If she talks about a problem, and I have a solution, she won’t usually do it unless I’m basically doing it myself.
I’m not sure if my compulsion to fix issues is because both my parents are inactive. I do know that it got on my nerves from when I was a pre-teen up till now.
I don’t want to be unfair to them. Mostly they are smart people who avoid getting into problems as it is, so they don’t usually need to get out of them.
It’s just that life can knock you down sometimes. And you have to find a way to get back up.
And with you can do it slow, or you can try to find a way to speed it up.
Many people are never taught to think that way, and they accept problems very passively, or with anger, but no real approach to solving them. Both my parents were taught that by their parents.
It’s a cycle.
I’ve noticed it in my sisters often too. The willingness not to change anything, even if they don’t like it.
Granted, I’ve gotten in trouble for jumping the gun and trying to change stuff. People don’t like to be told they’re wrong.
I’ve realized since this car issue started, that people also don’t like being told that you don’t need their help to fix it anymore.
See, when I help someone, I try to make sure they need it first. I don’t push them towards my solution past that point, usually. Im’ not perfect, I have don that.
But since I’ve been told off for it, I think I learned to think more careful about it.
I don’t like to bite people’s head off or tell them they aren’t really helping me. But sometimes I wish they’d pick up on my hints that I don’t really want them to tell me what to do.
I asked my middle sister if she was annoyed when people told her that, and she said it just doesn’t bother her the same way as me.
So I said. “That’s because I tell you what to do all the time, so you’re inoculated to it.”
And she said “yeah” without one second’s hesitation.
I guess the joke is on me there.
To be fair, my sister is the kind of person who forgets simple things so often you have to remind them a lot and procrastinator on taking action. She’s very good at working hard and she can do a job well, but that initiative that I have isn’t her thing.
Basically, I’ll try to improve any work environment I’m in in some way, whether I’m asked to or not. Been doing that since my first job–which makes a lot of people think I’m arrogant.
And maybe, sometimes, I can be. I suppose anyone can be who likes to put their own spin on things.
When I write, I often do it to improve on ideas I got from someone else.
There are whole careers you can make out of doing that, though. So I guess I’m not the only one.
Maybe I should become a life coach (lol).
Look, the point I’m making it sno tlen to brag on myself, though I think it praon sounds that way.
I never thought I was good at this stuff. It’s only because I’ve noticed that my decisions work out better consistently that I’ve learned I might be.
I didn’t always expect them to.
What I’m trying to say is that if you’re the type of person who is like that, who doubts yourself because other people seem to doubt you, you might want to consider if you have a good track record. Maybe you’re doing better than you think.
And then we won’t need to complain so much. Better to fix it than complain about it, I say.
A few weeks ago I would have said I didn’t really need to win the lottery.
Well, I don’t need a million dollars. Honestly, I wouldn’t even be able to use that much money except on something like a trip or as savings. And sure, I’d take it if I got it (I’m not an idiot).
But after the nervewracking last few weeks I’ve had, with an ER visit on my mini-vactaion, a new car that turned out to have a faulty engine (somehow the dealer disguised it so it didn’t become obvious till two weeks after purchase), and now repair costs reaching over $7000 (about the same as I paid for the dang thing), yeah, I could think of a few things I’d spend money on if I won it.
I’m not gonna buy any tickets, I believe in either working hard for money, or the generous support of friend or family who won’t attach strings to it. I don’t borrow money if I can help it, but I’ve been forced tos wallow my prde.
My family has been kind enough to help me in this hellish situiaotn, (and I know I could have it a lot worse because not everyone has that support), but I feel guilty for them needing to give me thousands of dollars just to pay for a mistake I made.
I mean, can I scream into the void a bit here?
This sucks.
I’m not going to have full blown crisis here. I know there’s some way to get around this. And if worst comes to worse, my family will wait till I can pay them off, unlike the bank will. They aren’t mean enough to hound me for it.
Still they have their own expensive and none of us are rich (Who is these days unless they were already?)
I have been brainstorming solutions to try to earn money. I’m attempting to start a second job, and I’m looking for any other side hustles I could manage.
As a person who has faith, this has been kind of difficult to pray about.
On the one hand, God is the only reason I didn’t have a full mental breakdown. When I pray or worship, I feel some measure of peace–when I don’t, I feel like I’m going to either throw up or have a fit.
On the other hand, I prayed about this purchase, and it looks like it backfired. I won’t say God is at fault here, we can always misinterpret or just hear what we want to hear.
And maybe, even, depends on the cost, the car isn’t a bad purchase. Sure it’s banged up, but where I live, cars are going electric only pretty soon, and buying one that’s not while you still can might have been the best choice. Goodness knows, I’d never afford new one unless I actually do win the lottery.
Hey, I was within my means when I bought the car. And I could even have afforded some repairs in a few months–this just all happened sooner than I was ready for. I thought I had more time.
We never have as much as we think, right?
The kicker is that it almost was even worse. The car is salvageable right now, at least it looks that way. If I’d waited much longer to get it inspected, it could have not been.
And everyone told me I was worried too much about the noise it was making (misfiring but quietly and only for a few seconds).
Turns out I was right. Something bad was wrong. I just wish I didn’t seem $500 going to three different mechanics before the 4th one finally figure it out.
I mean I would rather have had the money to go toward the repair itself…
Could it be worse? As I said, yes.
It could be a lot better too.
But, I’m not the type who stays down for too long (barring some highly traumatic experienced, which this isn’t).
I think if the situation was just to stop getting worse, I could adjust to it. They say you can face a thing you know.
So if things don’t progress from here, a $7400 cost for this might even up…seeming less bad once I have time to get past it.
That is more than my salary for 5 months would be. So I’ll be paying it off slowly.
And hope nothing else breaks immediately after this.
Someone said I should trade in the car or buy a different one…not sure they quite understood that this car already was the “different” one and it’s even more expensive to buy another one, even highly used, than it is ot fix it. You have to consider the total here. Any car that cheap is probably going to have issues.
Which I knew when I bought it–I just thought it would be the battery and breaks, not the gasket. I was prepared to fix those…this, not so much.
But even if we put all that dough towards another new car, if we still had to fix it up, that cost is more than fixing this one. I try to think of the long term.
I mean I have to view my car some credit–with a problem lie that, it was still running very smoothly and you could barely tell something was wrong, except when I started it up. Toyotas can take a lot of abuse before they shut down, I’ll give them that.
Which is another reason to stick with it. Sure it’s old and battered, but that it still runs smoothly at all with a big issue seems to me to show it is resilient. A cheaper, more poorly made car would just break down on me anyway, might as well keep the pricey one if it will last longer. And it could last me many years once its key parts are replaced. The body is mostly in good shape.
I’m not the only one with this experience who I know, my Grandma had to replace her engine once also, and a friend of mine had a used car that’s transmission blew right after she bought it. All of us risk takers don’t always get the best case scenario.
But that is why we call it a risk.
Anyway, the whole thing might make a good story someday.
(This is my way of laughing in the dark)
Well, if you all have similar stories, you can reply to this post with them if you want some sympathy.
If you feel moved at all to help me out, I do have a donation option on this blog. I won’t beg for it, but I never would say no to people wanting to be kind or generous. We all have to help each other through this world.
drybonestruth 